Morning Mix: No Brit, JT Reunion at Madonna Show (At Least on Stage)

Is it me, or is Madge starting to look like she's venturing into Baby Jane territory? For her first encore, she sings "I've Written a Letter to Daddy."

Who would've guessed that Britney would be the conservatively dressed performer?

Rebecca Romijn on Jerry O'Connell's parenting skills:"I knew early on he would be a fantastic dad. He's a pragmatic, smart, savvy, enthusiastic person. He really lives his life with tremendous integrity..."

I'm guessing she hasn't seen Tom Cats, Carpoolers, or Do Not Disturb,otherwise she might rethink that whole smart, savvy, integrity thing.

Apparently the kids want Aston gone, they can get in line behind the rest of us.

T.R. Knight, maybe the people who spit on you just think Grey's Anatomy sucks.

Has Beyonce been raiding the prop department of Stargate?

http://stargate.wikia.com/wiki/Kara_kesh

(By the way I did not know there was a Stargate wiki till this morning)

I know we are trying to start a petition to get Suri Cruise some pants and such, but at this point in time, wouldn't it be better to get Madonna to wear some pants?

T.R., those Prop 8 supporters were spitting on *you* because George is a wuss. The others in line with you, well, yeah, they got it for being gay.
(Dorkus, apologies for treading the same path as you.)

Taylor Swift's blog says the rumour that she's pregnant is "the most IMPOSSIBLE thing on the planet." More impossibler than getting the image of a pantsless Gute out of my head? I don't think so. (Please make it stop!)

Larry King catches wife cheating, asks, "How could you do this to me?" and twenty or thirty more insipid questions.

Jennifer Aniston headed for permanent "30 Rock" gig? Look for Judah Friedlander to wear a hat that says "Show me the twins".

Ashton Kutcher's team "think he doesn't know what he's talking about and can't stand his tough-guy attitude." Over in Oakland, Al Davis is reading that and licking his lips.

[That last image just replaced the one of a pantsless Gute out of my head. (Please make it stop!)]

For those of you wondering, the rescheduled discussion of "Catch-22" is due to Maj. Minderbinder trading the internet to the Germans in exchange for 200 tons of powdered eggs, which he flipped in Malta for some parachute silk, which he will sell to the Italians for broccoli, which...

Ummm, since when is diabetes so scandalous that they can't show someone with it on Hannah Montana? *smells like Miley Cyrus needs to do another Vanity Fair shoot to keep the show in the press* Silly silly people

Aw man, Dorkus, you beat me to the punch re: T.R. Knight.

Lisa Rinna -- the before/after shots don't look all that different to me, frankly. She needs to be careful though -- a mixup with a helium tank and those lips could send her skyward.

"Obama-inspired" songs? Dear God, isn't it enough that all three morning shows yesterday had segments on "presidential dogs"? I am not ready for "inspired by Barack" mp3s. Stop the madness now.

Disney really should focus on the audience rather than the scripts if they're worred about sugar shock.

Miley Cyrus can scrub toilets? Quick, someone call Kate Winslet and get a framed shot of the two of them for Halle Berry's foyer.

You're right Dorkus. I feel bad for Suri, but seeing Madonna makes me feel like she's fit me in between workouts. I feel violated.

Why in the world was Miley Cyrus working cleaning toilets at age 11? Aren't there laws against this sort of thing?

Madonna's top hat made me think of Marlene Dietrich in "The Blue Angel," although I seem to recall that la Dietrich in her final performing years was more dignified (and better lit).

Best wishes to Christina Applegate on her reconstructive surgery. Admire her non-self-pitying, carpe-diem attitude.

Dorkus, re Jerry O'Connell's putative parenting skills, the good news is that an actor doesn't necessarily equal his or her roles (just think of him channeling Tom Cruise on that hilarious video).

Actually, it's good for Miley Cyrus to have once had a "real" job. Maybe it helps her appreciate what she has now better than all those whiny celebs do who complain too much (apparently afflicted by selective amnesia, since so many have had to take menial work in order to support themselves before their acting careers take off).

Thank you Liz. I appreciate the change in the Lost chat. Look at it this way, you got an extra week to finish the book (it really is good. I read it twice).

What is it with football players and dating girls who fall heavily into the "put that down everyone knows where its been category?" I know they want to brag they got a Playboy model, but you date them, you don't bring them home to mamma. Plus, do you want every other guy on the team having seen your wife naked?

Okay, fellow Lizards, your mission today should you choose to accept it is to be even more brilliantly snarky than normal. Results come out at 4:30. I will be here sobbing by 5. Until then, please, please, please distract me. Thank you.

Not till 4:30? ep, that's just plain sadistic of them!

Jay-Z writing presidential tunes -- yes, what the world needs is more brilliance from the guy who rhymed "monster" with "Iran-Contra."

Isn't Mariah Carey the one who sleeps with a dozen humidifiers around her bed to preserve her voice? Maybe that accounts for some of the luggage -- because, of course, humidifers don't exist in the U.K.

Larry King: "Hector from Los Angeles, go ahead with your question."
Hector: "Hi, Larry. I'm shtupping your wife."
Larry: "Bang the Drum Slowly, great movie, Michael Moriarty--"
Hector: "No, Larry, did you hear me? I said I'm ban---"
Larry: "We'll be back after this message."

Madonna looks like a Bizarro Slash. Maybe she can play guitar on the Chinese Democracy Tour.

OK, I blew that Larry King bit. I meant to start with "banging" your wife.

Larry King: "Hector from Los Angeles, go ahead with your question."
Hector: "Hi, Larry. I'm banging your wife."
Larry: "Bang the Drum Slowly, great movie, Michael Moriarty--"
Hector: "No, Larry, did you hear me? I said I'm ban---"
Larry: "We'll be back after this message."

There. Much better.

Oh, and when did Melissa Etheridge get an Academy Award? Did she buy the one for sale on eBay or something?

Everyone, everyone...can we, please, just take a moment to look at the picture of Britney & Madonna and sit back in wonder. Britney looks clean, mature, clothed, effortless...
Madonna looks like she's trying waaaayyy too hard and failing badly.

Ding dang, y'all! I, for one, am proud of Brit-Brit.

td, she got an Oscar for best original song in An Inconvenient Truth.

Beyonce wants to sing at the Inauguration? Someone better alert the air traffic controllers at Reagan National to expect strong wind gusts. One more reason for all DC commuters to "work from home" that day.

Besides, wouldn't it be more fun to drag Aretha Franklin and her big-ol' fur coat out of mothballs instead like Clinton did in 1992? I'd actually brave Metro that day just to see that in person.

I like the "Bizarro Slash" description. But seeing her with a guitar is just unnatural - like when Mick Jagger picks one up.

TD, brilliant excerpt from Larry King Live.

Here, epjd - to take your mind off things, spend the rest of your day red-lining this lawyer joke:

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

The steps described below may be performed at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."

Whereas Lawyer and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein Light Bulb shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of Light Bulb and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1. Lawyer shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp Light Bulb and rotate Light Bulb in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
2. Upon reaching a point where Light Bulb becomes separated from the party of the third part (Light Socket), Lawyer shall have the option of disposing of Light Bulb in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, Lawyer shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part (New Light Bulb). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, and not in a counter-clockwise direction as before, this point also being non-negotiable.

Byoolin, you are truly evil. Thank you.

Oh and Melissa, you have to pay taxes as long as you live there, whehter you like the policies or not. Even if you can sing.

Madonna looks like a Bizarro Slash. Maybe she can play guitar on the Chinese Democracy Tour.

Posted by: MStreet1 | November 7, 2008 9:26 AM

Another contender for comment of the week! Dorkus, I will contribute to the buy Madonna some pants fund. Checks in the mail.

ep, for endless hours of entertainment you could also try Googling on these (in quotes, as shown here):

"How many * does it take to change a light bulb?"
"How many * does it take to change a lightbulb?"

"you have to pay taxes as long as you live there, whehter you like the policies or not. Even if you can sing."

I wonder if Joe the Plumber knew this before he got a Nashville agent.

Lisa Rinna doesn't want to "look weird". Uh.......

Britney actually looks adorable in the photo with Madge. Keep it up Britney! Madonna, however, is now appearing quite desparate. Not gonna do her any favors in convincing judges that she is good Mommy material either.

Rinna's new upcoming film, A Fish called Lisa.

Imagine the baggage fees Mariah Carey paid for her 3night trip. Would have been cheaper to just buy new stuff when she got there.

Speaking of airports and Divas, check out Naomi Campbell's huge metal dog collar. How do you get through the metal detectors with that on. Do you think she just wore it so she could punch out the security officers when they had to use the hand scanners on her?

Me, I was partial to jelo's quip:

---
Is it me, or is Madge starting to look like she's venturing into Baby Jane territory? For her first encore, she sings "I've Written a Letter to Daddy."

Posted by: jelo

FIVE QUESTIONS FOR REBECCA ROMIJN

1. Why didn't you change your name to Rebecca Romijn-O'Connell (like when you were Rebecca Romijn-Stamos)?

2. How can you say, "I knew early on [Jerry] would be a fantastic dad" if the baby isn't even born yet?

3. Did you come up with that "beached whale" analogy yourself or did you have help?

4. If you are so self-conscious about your appearance, why are you posing for magazine photos of your very-pregnant self?

5. Is Mystique in the running for a baby name?

Melissa Etheridge seems to be getting her tax advice from Wesley Snipes these days.

Why in the world was Miley Cyrus working cleaning toilets at age 11? Aren't there laws against this sort of thing?

Posted by: earlysun | November 7, 2008 9:12 AM

*****************************************

I'm guessing all that 'Achy Breaky Heart' money didn't get properly invested.

td
1. Why didn't you change your name to Rebecca Romijn-O'Connell (like when you were Rebecca Romijn-Stamos)?

I thought it was determined here that a star hyphenating the couple's last names was a sign of the impending doom of the marriage (if not as dire as tattoos of devotion, or reiteration of marriage vows).

For fans of "CBS Sunday Morning," sad news that longtime cultural critic John Leonard has died:
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/07/arts/07leonard.html

ep,
this keeps me busy for hours....

http://punditkitchen.com/

it's about time katie put a coat on that child. i was about to call new york dcs.

Damn you, byoo. I sent the joke to the lawyers that I work with, it started (so far) a 10 email string over how a light bulb can't be a party if it is intangible. We've decided to rename the joke "how many billable hours does it take to dissect a light bulb joke?" Thanks

I thought Britney was Elizabeth Hasselbeck in that photo. Seriously. But I've just decided that Madonna is through with being cutting edge. Britney and JT? So five years ago.

I want Bruce at Obama's inauguration!!

Love to Christina Applegate.

Please no more Suri updates. She's not a celebrity. Just not.

Melissa sweetie, I see your point but you have to pay taxes. You don't want to end up in the slammer.

Vh1 has got to be all over this, if played right they've got programming for most of next year. The Bonaduce show, another for Larry King and the inevitable Charm School for both of them.

Lisa Rinna you non-biodegradable woman you, admitting to having too much plastic surgery is like that time when Clay shocked the world with his revelation.

Dorkus, excellent line about Melissa Etherage and Wesley Snipes! Thanks also for the Oscar info about Melissa.

Nosy, good point. Just seems ironic that she's not repeating the hyphenation, especially considering they're having kids together. Call me old-fashioned.

And I'm sure Naomi Camphell got preferential treatment because she's a Southwest Airlines frequent flyer -- I have one of those A-List Member cards too, but I try not to flaunt my privileged security status.

Plus, Melissa, yawn, there has already been Supreme Court cases directly on point - as to federal taxes, and guess what? If you refuse to pay taxes as a form of protest (as opposed to b/c you are refusing to pay ala Al Capone) you still go to jail as a penalty. Your 1st Amendment rights to protest are not violated by your jail sentence for the crime.

So I guess your only option is to move out of state. Try England! There's room now that Madonna's moving back here!

Ya know, Melissa could move to Alaska, they don't pay taxes and actually get paid to live there.

Perhaps Melissa has no "income" on which to pay taxes; or maybe she wants to go to jail; or maybe Miley should keep her toilet brush handy in case Melissa needs to re-train for a job.

or not . . .

VTY

Curmudgeon

By the way byoolin, that joke was not written by a lawyer-it's only about a page long and there are no internal cross references.

Oh, by the way epjd, we're all finger-crossing in your general direction today.

VTY

Curmudgeon, who once went through this agony with her son

epjd - and post your results please!! So we can congratulate you!!

Rebecca Romijn on Jerry O'Connell's parenting skills:"I knew early on he would be a fantastic dad. He's a pragmatic, smart, savvy, enthusiastic person. He really lives his life with tremendous integrity..."

I'm guessing she hasn't seen Tom Cats, Carpoolers, or Do Not Disturb,otherwise she might rethink that whole smart, savvy, integrity thing.

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | November 7, 2008 8:57 AM

Dorkus, you forgot Kangaroo Jack.

Given Naomi's track record at airports, you'd think that people would be more than happy to get out of her way when she goes to board a plane.

By the way byoolin, that joke was not written by a lawyer-it's only about a page long and there are no internal cross references.

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | November 7, 2008 11:07 AM

****

Only because I clipped all the HIPAA, GLBA & confidentiality language, limitation of liability, automatic renewal, jurisdiction, right to arbitration, Pricing Schedules, Exhibits, and sections already marked "Intentionally Deleted."

They just weren't funny.

Dietrich and Madge.

Actually a pretty good comparison, except for the talent part. Dietrich scandalously did not care with whom she bagged the viper (or not, apparently).

However, she was famous for, among other things, wearing pants, whereas Madonna...

"There's room now that Madonna's moving back here!"

Hosh*t, she is?! Oh, right, A-Rod. Maybe she do strip dances on the foul pole at Yankee Stadium.

Geez, I can't even tell how many double entendres I just accidentally set up with that foul pole joke. We'll be busy for hours.

And good luck ep, we're keeping our fingers crossed.

Miley, honey those are called chores. Normal kids do those sorts of things every day

Miley, honey those are called chores. Normal kids do those sorts of things every day

Posted by: jes11 | November 7, 2008 12:02 PM

jes, you must tell me your secret! I wonder if I tell them Miley does it, they will be happy to do their chores?

I wonder if I tell them Miley does it, they will be happy to do their chores?

Posted by: hodie | November 7, 2008 12:38 PM

******************************************

Yeah, but hodie, then what will you tell them when Annie Liebowitz wants them in a photo shoot?

Lisa Rinna: "I see that it's too much," she said, "so I'm going to lay off. I don't want to look weird!"

Um, honey, I think that ship has sailed.

"I know we are trying to start a petition to get Suri Cruise some pants and such, but at this point in time, wouldn't it be better to get Madonna to wear some pants?"

I'm just glad Britney is finally wearing pants.

Lisa Rinna: "I see that it's too much," she said, "so I'm going to lay off. I don't want to look weird!"

Don't collagen injections and Botox resorb after about 6 months?

Regarding Larry King's "cheating" wife:

Maybe she got tired of the usual necrophilia.

Excellent snark today. Seems that many people are bringing their A-Game to today's blog.

Wow! Highlights include, but are not limited to, the following:

Miley and Kate on the toilet, Mudge dancing on A-rod's foul pole, Bizarro Slash, the Cath-22 commodity carry trade, and of course, Byoolin's redaction of all the "boring"clauses in the lawyer-lightbulb joke.

Plus, we see cause for hope in Britney's senssible stage garb and Christina Applegate's refusal to surrender her life to cancer.

All in all, a great day here on the Island.

As opposed to chicken kebabs, otherwise known as fowl poles.

Foul Poles: smelly Prussians?

That's what they call the foul poles at Houston's Minute Maid Field, "fowl poles". They're sponsored by Chick-Fil-A.

Didn't Minute Maid Field used to be called Enron Field?

Didn't Minute Maid Field used to be called Enron Field?

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | November 7, 2008 1:17 PM

****************************************

Yes it was, and I still call it that, just to piss off the Astros fans (Go Rangers!)

Not to p!ss you off much, Dorkus, but will a certain soon-to-be-former-President reclaim partial ownership of the Rangers? Is it true that Bob Schieffer's brother is also a part-owner?

Ooo Madonna...you're so sexy..sticky n sweet and hard candy....
FOR GOD's SAKE! no wonder her husband left her.... I agree with the comments that she is looking like Whatever Happened to Baby Jane on steroids.... Britney better look out or she'll be tied to a wheelchair and fed rats for dinner.

Bob Schieffer's brother was part owner, is now ambassador to Japan (I kid you not).

I'm guessing that Schieffer-sibling is no Mike Mansfield, even with the sublime Bob for a brother.

I hate to say it, but the Rangers actually began to do fairly well when Bush was at the helm. But I am hoping he just goes back to Connecticut where he belongs.

Maybe A-Rod can return to Dallas to help the franchise? And take Madge with him.

Oh don't even joke about that Nosy.

Why does Madonna always look like she's humping something?

Larry King's wife cheated on him? What took her so long?

You've heard of FDS for women? How about Umpire. It's for baseball officials with foul balls.

Lisa Rinna doesn't look weird. She's just drawn that way.

Are you kidding, Dorkus? Madonna could make you the King of Snark.

We can't let Madge move here, once Bush moves to Dallas we'll have reached our quota on washed up has-beens for the state of Texas.

Well, then, maybe Brangelina will reprise their "Flying Dutchman" act by moving there for a few months for a film-shoot.

Bush and the Rangers deserve each other. Why do I hate the Rangers? The answer lies in the team's former name, and the &$^%ing owner (Bob Shortdick) who took the team away from it's original home.

Hey can someone check on ep, make sure she hasn't passed out from holding her breath and all?

Not yet Dorkus. But close. My chest is all tight and my arms are tingly. I may not make it this next hour.

ep, I'm sending some virtual Xanax your way. Think positive.

Don't worry ep, you'll do fine. I'm sending you good vibes from Austin.

ep, the Lizard Lounge, AKA the Celebritology Island Tiki Bar, has the champagne on ice.

Rebecca Romijn cannot legally claim to be a beached whale until she and Jerry O' Connell produce a YouTube video in which Captain Ahab sees Rebecca going South with the Mouth on Jerry, at which time Ahab cries, "Thar she blows!"

Tiki bar drummer hits rimshot again for Sas.

Bartender. Please make something for ep.

Ep, we're rooting for you! Are you partying later?

EP, if you're done with the redline, amuse yourself with the lawyer jokes here (a slightly different version of this may appear later, depending on the vagaries of the filter software):

http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/jklaw.html

Representative examples:

How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.

Friends of mine who took Illinois got sworn in yesterday. One of them said he looked around at 1700 lawyers in one room and got overwhelmed. I said some people would see it as an opportunity.

If there are any typos, please mentally fix. I doubt I am coherent right now.

1700 lawyers in one room.

There's got to be a punchline in that somewhere.

ep, for another laugh, read Byoolin's Blog entry, "Sanitize This," from October 24. It is hilarious.

Don't sweat the typos, ep, I have the Grammar Sheriff playing a game of Beirut Hostage in the trunk of my car.

1700 lawyers in one room.
Punchline:

Where's the pony?

What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Hang in there ep!

Here's my contribution:

A man browsing in an antique store comes across a bronze statue of a rat. He's intrigued because it's so very lifelike. He decides to buy it. As he's walking along with his new rat statue, he hears a noise and looks behind him and there is real rat. He walks faster. He looks back and there are more real rats and they are following him. He begins to run. He looks back and there are hundreds, maybe thousands of rats chasing him. He runs to the dock (luckily he's in a port town) and flings the rat statue as far out into the water as he can. All the rats plunge into the water and drown.
He returns to the antique shop. The owner, with a gleam in his eye, asks if there was any problem with the statue. The man says, "No, I just wanted to see if you have any statues of lawyers."

Also, why don't lawyers get shark bitten?
Answer: Professional courtesy.

Harharhar!
Only about a half hour to go, ep!

Oh, and regarding typos, that is why lawyers have staff. Obviously, my staff doesn't edit my posts and guess what? I don't give a rabid rats tail...

Here's a golden opportunity for submitting snark. Outside Online has a web page for submitting questions to ask Lance Armstrong.

Here's the link:

http://www.zoomerang.com/Survey/survey.zgi?p=WEB228G3NDJPR9

Some questions that Lizards may wish to submit to Mr. Armstrong include, but are not limited to, the following:

Do you dress left or dress right?

Have you done both the Olsen twins? At the same time?

Would you please provide a urine sample?

Do you fantasize about your mother when you're with a girlfriend?

Do you wait until you're leading a paceline to pass gas?

Have you ever considered a codpiece?

Sas
Have you ever considered a codpiece?

You mean bacalhau?

No, Nosy. I mean this:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codpiece

Seems like it's open-mike afternoon at the Lizard Island Comedy Club today.

Sas, I was trying to be dense.

where i live it's 4:32...
any news??

Come on the suspense is killing me!

I PASSED!!!!!!!!

BREAK OUT THE CHAMPAGNE!!!!!

ep?

CONGRATULATIONS! Woo hoo!

TD, that is EP, esq. now.

Yay!!!! Corks popping everywhere!
Congrats ep. *sniff* *sniff* Your pa and I are so proud.

Oh, ep!

Congratulations on years and years of hard work and sacrifice, all coming to fruition for this magic moment!

Salut!

Congrats ep, esq!!!

Sas, I was trying to be dense.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | November 7, 2008 4:27 PM

----------------------------------------
Nosy, you'll never be as dense as me. And I mean that as a compliment.

Time to fill up the champagne flutes and toast the newest member of the Texas bar.

I know there's a drink called a Side Car. is there a lawyer's drink called a Side Bar?

ep, are you going to Disney World now?

The picture of Brit & Madge is so disturbing. It looks like the small-town head cheerleader is on stage with the hottest drag queen in Soho.

congrats ep!

Thank you everyone. I really want to meet you all at the Mixer in December (if you are an out of town Lizard send a picture). Your support this summer and through the months of waiting has really helped.

Ah, lawyer jokes. My fave still the old stand by:

What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

One is a bottom-dwelling scum-sucking lowlife, the other is a fish.

Present company excluded, of course.

Note to self, refresh before posting.

WAY TO GO, EP! Congrats.

CONGRATS EP !!!!!!!

Congrats Ep. I'll have a drink in your honor tonight.

Congratulations, ep, Esq.!!!!!! I'm raising a virtual glass of champers in your direction!

-The Poster Fomerly Known as Snarky Squirrel

Congrats, EP.

Now, then, I'd like to sue the CIA for sending coded radio messages to UFOs through my head. Can you get me an appointment with Justice Berger?

One that sneaks up on you:

A mechanical engineer is killed in a freak car accident. An error in the records result in his being sent to Hell. Resigned to his fate, he sets about making Hell a better place to be. Before you know it, they've got refrigeration, air conditioning, comfortable recliners, all kinds of amenities.

St. Peter gets word that things are rather pleasant in Hell and discovers the mistake. He confronts Satan.

Tough, says Satan. He's ours.
But he belongs with us! shouts St. Peter.
Not my problem.
I'll sue! roars St. Peter.

"Oh yeah? And where are you going to get a lawyer?"

Byoolin, umm, Berger is dead. Maybe the CIA can send him a message via you head?