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Posted at 10:42 AM ET, 11/12/2008

Sick Day: Contemplating Celebrity Care

By Liz Kelly

If you're a Facebook friend, you've probably seen my recent crush of whiny status updates lamenting my state of health. Or unhealth, as the case may be. Despite my best efforts to keep germs out of my system, some nasty pathogen managed to breach my defenses over the weekend and for the past few days, my body has been wracked by coughing fits, chills, sneezes and ridiculous amounts of something we'll call "fluid."

Surprisingly, this scourge has given me a new insight into the lives of celebrities. In my delirium I finally see that there may be some benefits to a lifestyle that I had heretofore dismissed as shallow, invasive and fleeting. For in the throes of a feverish dream yesterday afternoon I awoke determined seek the help of a higher power -- cold medication. But where was my faithful toady, ever-ready to deliver pseudoepinephrine and soup? Non-existent. And where, I ask you, was Madonna -- who graciously injected Justin Timberlake with B12 when he was feeling run down earlier this year? She wasn't in my bedroom, that's for sure. And where was celebrity mom Lynne Spears when I needed her? In Louisiana with that attention hog Britney, no doubt.

So while the rest of the country contemplates possible socialization of our health care system, I began to contemplate celebritization of health care. What would this mean? I compare and contrast with president-elect Barack Obama's campaign talking points.

Obama wants to make health insurance affordable and accessible to all. Celebrity Health Care would make regular Botox treatments and rehab affordable and accessible to all.

The Obama plan will lower health care costs by $2,500 for a typical family by investing in health information technology, prevention and care coordination.
The celebrity plan won't lower costs. In fact, costs may go up, but you'll be able to call in prescriptions anytime for pretty much anything in any amount and be the first to find out when Oprah adopts a new diet regime.

Obama would require coverage of preventive services, including cancer screenings, and will increase state and local preparedness for terrorist attacks and natural disasters.
Celebrity plan would get into preventative care, too. We'd have prevent Tara Reid from getting liposuction in the first place, which means she never would have had to go back for corrective surgeries.

And the best part of the celebrity health care model? Inspirational advice from life guru Gwyneth Paltrow.

By Liz Kelly  | November 12, 2008; 10:42 AM ET
Categories:  Miscellaneous  
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Comments

Liz, I would've gladly brought you dayquil and soup had I not considered it weird and stalkerish. i draw the line at B12 shots, though. Maybe you could teach Andy or Page how to give those.

Posted by: eet7e | November 12, 2008 11:10 AM | Report abuse

Feel better, Liz.

I found myself getting sucked into the link for Gwynneth Paltrow's advice. It's a fine reminder but hardly revolutionary stuff (drink water, exercise, do yoga, watch what you eat). Big duh.

The idea of fasting 12 hours a day, though (8 for digestion, absorption and assimilation and 4 for detoxification), might just send me over the edge.

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | November 12, 2008 11:29 AM | Report abuse

I have always wondered how to find one of those pliable physicians that all the stars have, for my various uppers and downers. So, under your plan, I won't have to lie about back pain to get happy-making vicodin?

On the downside, I assume that the new plan would require regular teeth whitening and "cleansing" (didn't we used to call that an enema?). And I'm not so keen on that.

Call me undecided, I guess.

Posted by: WDC2 | November 12, 2008 11:33 AM | Report abuse

"A Celebrity RX menu for Liz Kelly"

Madonna: Drink 6-8 glasses of Kaballah water.
LiLo: Spend a few days at Promises in Malibu.
TomKat: Send $100K, will arrange Xenu removal.
Amy W: Cheese on toast?

Feel better...

Posted by: byoolin1 | November 12, 2008 11:49 AM | Report abuse

Feel better, Liz!

If, under the Celebrity plan, either "preventive care" or "detox" include spa treatments, sign me up and book me a ticket to the St. Regis Bora Bora.

The Celebrity plan should also pay for personal nutrition counseling: I'll take Tyler Florence for breakfast and Bobby Flay for supper, please.

Posted by: northgs | November 12, 2008 12:04 PM | Report abuse

Liz, I just want you to know I am taking a sick day in the spirit of solidarity.

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | November 12, 2008 12:06 PM | Report abuse

I just got a flu shot. Does that make you feel better?

Posted by: BMore_Cat_Lover1 | November 12, 2008 12:24 PM | Report abuse

Liz! My son is also home sick. It was just a normal cold until he ate 3 pieces of chicken, rice, and a baked potato. Now he feels "weak." Must have been that third piece of chicken.
I suggest (to you, not my son) lots of rum, the darker the better, at frequent intervals. Probably you will start to channel Hunter S. Thompson, but hey, that's OK.

Posted by: possum_pouch | November 12, 2008 12:26 PM | Report abuse

Liz! My son is also home sick. It was just a normal cold until he ate 3 pieces of chicken, rice, and a baked potato. Now he feels "weak." Must have been that third piece of chicken.

Posted by: possum_pouch | November 12, 2008 12:26 PM

Fried chicken. Yum. I don't blame your son.

Posted by: jezebel3 | November 12, 2008 12:41 PM | Report abuse

Under Celebricare

- buy the first two stints in rehab, get the third one free.

- all botched plastic surgery photos would come accompanied with the name of the surgeon.

- nicotine gum and birth control pills would be over-the-counter.

Posted by: mdreader01 | November 12, 2008 1:22 PM | Report abuse

Besides fluoride, add tooth-whitener to the Hollywood water supply.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | November 12, 2008 4:17 PM | Report abuse

I am assuming Gwyneth's newsletters would serve as an emetic?

Posted by: Bawlmer | November 12, 2008 4:19 PM | Report abuse

I envision a Jiffy Lube/Starbucks-drive-thru hybrid where the limo pulls up, the team runs around the sides of the car like a pit crew pulling here, spray-tanning there, and injecting over there. In 15 minutes or less, the limo driver waves the celebrity's ezPass-type insurance card at a reader in time to head off to the next red-carpet event.

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | November 12, 2008 4:42 PM | Report abuse

td, you are a true visionary!

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | November 12, 2008 5:14 PM | Report abuse

Betcha that Liz is the picture of health compared to my 401(k).

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | November 12, 2008 6:10 PM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

 
 
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