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Posted at 10:42 AM ET, 11/13/2008

The Madge-o-Lator: Making Snappy Sausage from the Scraps of Madonna's Relationships

By Liz Kelly

When the Madge-o-Lator speaks, we listen. (Getty Images)

This morning's alleged Madonna quote -- the one likening supposed boyfriend A-Rod to a buff Shakespeare -- got me thinking. How might Madge describe others who have touched her life? Using the Rodriguez example as a model, we attempt to get inside Madonna's head (where, yes, it is sticky and sweet) by putting more of her acquaintances through the Madge-o-Lator:

Our Example: "[Alex Rodriguez] has the heart of a poet trapped inside an insanely gorgeous body."

Now, we'll apply that model to...

Soon-to-be-ex Guy Ritchie:
He has all the charm of dysentery trapped inside the body of a wildly stupid mistake on my part.

Ex-husband Sean Penn:
He has the smell of an ashtray trapped inside the husk of an extremely stale Twinkie.

BFF Gwyneth Paltrow:
She has the insouciance of a trite Austen-inspired heroine trapped inside the brain of a budgie.

Old friend Rosie O'Donnell
She has the chutzpah of a hungry squirrel trapped inside the body of, well, Rosie O'Donnell.

Brother (and tell-all writer) Christopher:
He's got all the discretion of Judas Iscariot wrapped up in a tidy little voodoo doll.

Herself:
She has the transplanted heart of a teenager* trapped inside the body of a preternaturally sinewed cyborg. (*I'm serious, I really do!)

You get the idea. Keep the Madge-o-Lator engine fired up by adding your own stylings below. No need to confine yourself to Madonna's galaxy of friends. Branch out. The Madge-o-Lator is an equal opportunity insult generator.

By Liz Kelly  | November 13, 2008; 10:42 AM ET
Categories:  Celebrities  
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Next: Morning Mix: Michael Jackson Says Goodbye to Neverland (Kind of)

Comments

"Former New York Ranger Mark Messier has the body of a Greek God wrapped up in a homoerotic subtext with Wayne Gretzky."


"Dennis Rodman had the nose ring of a Bull, the romantic technique of a Piston, like to wear Spurs and had the morals of a Worm."


"My own movie career had the money of a Hank Paulson and the knowing-what-to-do-with-it of, well, a Hank Paulson."

Posted by: byoolin1 | November 13, 2008 11:09 AM | Report abuse

Michael Jackson:

Has the relationship standard of a Catholic priest stuck in the body of a melted Crystal Pepsi bottle.

Sarah Palin:
Has the heart of a drag-queen decorated bully breed inside the body of Tina Fey.

Posted by: eet7e | November 13, 2008 11:14 AM | Report abuse

Gene Weingarten:
Has the sense of humor of a 12 year-old Boy Scout who delights in lighting his farts packaged inside the rumpled body of Jimmy Breslin, circa 1980.

Liz Kelly:
Has the intelligence and compassion of Albert Schweitzer shining through a body by Kat von D.

Byoolin:
Has a rapist's....errr....rapier wit lurking within the body of a 40-something body of a former wing who has been cross-checked into the boards a few too many times.


Sasquatch:
Has the intellect of Homer Simpson inside a body that makes Homer Simpson look like a hottie.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | November 13, 2008 11:24 AM | Report abuse

Hmmmm.
After that, I got nothing.

Posted by: dablues1 | November 13, 2008 11:31 AM | Report abuse

Tom Cruise has the mind of a leather-chaps- and-string-vest clad Savonarola inside the body of Mini Me.

Posted by: possum_pouch | November 13, 2008 12:12 PM | Report abuse

Dick Cheney-- An insanely sinister mind trapped inside a heart by Johnson & Johnson.

George Bush-- The body of an athelete trapped inside the intellect of...an athelete.

Celine Dion--The voice of an air raid siren trapped inside the body of a chain smoking runway model.

Amy Winehouse--The body of Keith Richards trapped inside the sensibility of Sid Vicious.

Posted by: mdreader01 | November 13, 2008 12:32 PM | Report abuse

Savonarola?

Possum would seem to have the esoteric intellect of a polymath like Jefferson, Malraux or Tagore combined with the prosaic interests of a Perez Hilton.

Posted by: byoolin1 | November 13, 2008 12:38 PM | Report abuse

Why are Madonna's legs so strange-looking in that photo? Are those her femur bones we can see?

Posted by: Californian11 | November 13, 2008 12:50 PM | Report abuse

I am incapable of a creative suggestion because whenever I see the Madge-o-lator I hear the voice of Marvin the Martian talking about his Space Modulator...

Posted by: LTL1 | November 13, 2008 12:54 PM | Report abuse

Ah Have ONE!

Carlos Leon - he has the sperm of a power seeder (the mind boggles as it tries to figure out what it takes to fertilize that piece of gristle) wrapped in the body Madge is trying to rework hers to look like...

Posted by: LTL1 | November 13, 2008 12:57 PM | Report abuse

Eeeeww, you're right, Californian...I think I can see her skeleton.

Posted by: Bawlmer | November 13, 2008 1:20 PM | Report abuse

Daniel Craig has the body of Michealangelo's David wrapped up in some awesome swim trunks. (cue swimsuit pic!)

Posted by: pras40 | November 13, 2008 1:26 PM | Report abuse

William Shatner has the emotional intelligence of a drunken prom date crossed with the natural acting skill of an NFL quarterback.

Posted by: Bawlmer | November 13, 2008 1:27 PM | Report abuse

oops. Michaelangelo

Posted by: pras40 | November 13, 2008 1:29 PM | Report abuse

George Bush-- The body of an athelete trapped inside the intellect of...an athelete.

Posted by: mdreader01 | November 13, 2008 12:32 PM

See, I was going to say:
George Bush: The intellect of Curious George stuck in the body of Curious George.

And because I saw her on TV a little while ago:
Victoria Jackson: The personality of Tammy Fay Baker in the body of Tammy Fay and Cindy Lauper's love child.

Posted by: eet7e | November 13, 2008 1:29 PM | Report abuse

Oh, pras, you're so good to us. /goes starry-eyed

For the gentlemen!
Scarlett Johannsen combines the elegance of a white-tie ball with the sheer hotness of an erupting Kiluea.

Posted by: Bawlmer | November 13, 2008 1:31 PM | Report abuse

Oprah Winfrey has audacity of Barack Obama and the bank account of Warren Buffett trapped inside the body of Mrs. Butterworth.

Posted by: pras40 | November 13, 2008 1:36 PM | Report abuse

I can't think of anything at the moment, but I thought I would do one for myself to go along with the day I'm having:

Dorkus the luck of Wile E. Coyote trapped in an ever increasingly sleep deprived body.

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | November 13, 2008 1:47 PM | Report abuse

I don't usually post on here, but I read all the time. This is my plea:

Oh please, please, please stop posting pictures that show these images of Madonna's thighs and crotch on this tour. This is the second time! The pics are horrifying and scary! I want to rip my eyes out of my head and erase from my memory.

THANK YOU!

Posted by: rkrush | November 13, 2008 1:57 PM | Report abuse

Madonna's kids:
The confusion and disorentation of apocolypse survivors trapped in all natural, organically clothed Kabbalistic bodies.

Posted by: 44west | November 13, 2008 2:00 PM | Report abuse

Celebritology: The high concept of the (patent-pending) Madge-O-Lator and the low humour of the dead Lindbergh baby.

Posted by: byoolin1 | November 13, 2008 2:38 PM | Report abuse

Personally, I have the spirit of a wine-soaked, cafe-in-Paris sitting artist inside the body of a small, furry (and wine-soaked) marsupial.

Posted by: possum_pouch | November 13, 2008 2:47 PM | Report abuse

Possum, Wine-Soaked Marsupial would be an excellent name for an Australian rockabilly band. I see you on lead vocals and sas on bass, with byoo coming in for the occasional digeridoo solo.

Posted by: Bawlmer | November 13, 2008 3:11 PM | Report abuse

Bawlmer, I like your band idea, particularly Byoolin on the digeridoo. Considering the ton of our conversations, would a Byoolin solo on the digeridoo be a digeridoo-do?

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | November 13, 2008 3:30 PM | Report abuse

"Dorkus the luck of Wile E. Coyote trapped in an ever increasingly sleep deprived body."

Dorkus: Are you my ex-husband or one of his many lovers?

Posted by: DMaswell | November 13, 2008 3:43 PM | Report abuse

Dorkus: Are you my ex-husband or one of his many lovers?

Posted by: DMaswell | November 13, 2008 3:43 PM

******************************************

As far as i can tell, I am no one's ex-husband, but now my curiosity is piqued.

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | November 13, 2008 3:48 PM | Report abuse

Byoolin solo on the digeridoo be a digeridoo-do?

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | November 13, 2008 3:30 PM

***

In preparation for my solo, I've gone ahead and ordered one. You could say I have a didgeridoo due.

The solo will be an special arrangement of a song by the Police; the adapted version is called De-didgeridoo-doo-doo, De-didgerida-da-da.

As for my playing, I'm sure you'll all agree that it will sound like didgeridoo-doo.

But it will be worth it if for just one shining moment I am your didgeridoo dude.

Posted by: byoolin1 | November 13, 2008 3:56 PM | Report abuse

Byoo, bravo; you've won the record for most puns in a post. Somewhere, Oscar Wilde and Dorothy Parker are applauding over a round of stiff drinks, and Groucho is lighting a cigar and winking in your direction.

Posted by: Bawlmer | November 13, 2008 4:20 PM | Report abuse

Beyonce - the acting chops of a gnat wrapped in the unfortunate designs of her mother.

Elizabeth Hasselbeck - the brain of a gnat in the body of a Cindy doll.

Posted by: petalceleb | November 13, 2008 4:20 PM | Report abuse

byoolin-

"Former New York Ranger Mark Messier has the body of a Greek God wrapped up in a homoerotic subtext with Wayne Gretzky."

This is the perfect description for a guy I knew in college, only I wasn't privy to the madge-o-lator at the time. Blast!

Posted by: aesully | November 13, 2008 4:43 PM | Report abuse

But it will be worth it if for just one shining moment I am your didgeridoo dude.

Posted by: byoolin1 | November 13, 2008 3:56 PM
-------------------------------------
I'd like to see and hear a punning contest between you and my old boss/colleague. You and he could really stink out the joint.

And why, after your string of digeridoo puns, do I hear in my mind's ear, Brian Wilson and the Beach Boys singing,
"She's my digeridoo. You don't know what I got"?

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | November 13, 2008 5:07 PM | Report abuse

OK, if it's Australia, we might want to call the band
"Wine-Pissed Marsupials".
And if we want to play in intellectual circles we could be the "Neo-Proustian
Wine-Pissed Marsupials."
I can't really sing except when pissed with the wine as I drunk it out in the garden watching my grandmother walk in the rain her hair a halo of misty yuck my mother ignoring me and refusing to kiss me before bedtime my father beating me with a soggy Madeline cookie.

Posted by: possum_pouch | November 13, 2008 5:15 PM | Report abuse

Beyonce: the voice of Whitney Houston plus the soul of Tina Turner trapped in a Borg. Resistance is futile.

Chris Martin: the voice of Beck, the soul of Clay Aiken trapped in the safe room of his London flat. Resistance is fatal.

Angelina Jolie: the talent of Marilyn Monroe, the humanitarianism of Audrey Hepburn, trapped in a traveling nursery. Resistance is fetal.

Posted by: mdreader01 | November 13, 2008 5:19 PM | Report abuse

Amy Winehouse: Take the brothel childhood of Edith Piaf, add two tablespoons of Sid and Nancy, mix in four dashes of Hendrix's vomit, and cram it into the body of a bulimic, acid-riddled Wilma Flinstone. Resistance is feral.

Posted by: possum_pouch | November 13, 2008 5:28 PM | Report abuse

Possum is on fire today!

Posted by: sorcerers_cat | November 13, 2008 5:37 PM | Report abuse

Possum is channeling Joyce today! And it ain't even Bloomsday.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | November 13, 2008 5:42 PM | Report abuse

I know! Who spiked the marsupial? We've got some great Celebritologist talent here today.

Posted by: Bawlmer | November 13, 2008 5:56 PM | Report abuse

byoolin et al., shouldn't the band play "Tie me kangaroo down, sport"?

Sorry to have been AWOL after the online chat this afternoon and to have missed all this shameless punning, but work sometimes interferes with my virtual persona.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | November 13, 2008 6:20 PM | Report abuse

Okay, Nosy, you're on the wobble board for "Tie Me Kangaroo, Down, Sport."

The breadth and depth of cultural literacy on this blog is stupifying.

Lord knows I'm stupified. Just call me Stupid, or Stoop for short.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | November 13, 2008 6:49 PM | Report abuse

Hey, Stoop for short,

Didn't I see you at the Outback eating a bloomin' onion while waltzing your matilda?

VTY

Curmudgeon

Posted by: bmschumacher | November 14, 2008 9:16 AM | Report abuse

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