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Posted at 10:43 AM ET, 12/23/2008

Celebrity Excess: A Little Piven-spiration

By Liz Kelly

Mercury man Jeremy Piven. (AP)

Jeremy Piven, whose unadventurous taste buds were apparently sated by a steady diet of twice-a-day sushi and random Chinese herbs, has become the poster child for Mercury poisoning. I love how he just lucks into these things. First John Cusack movies, then acclaim for basically playing himself on "Entourage," and now a cause to call his very own.

Using Piven's example, I've assembled a short list of stars below who may also turn their excesses into the next cause celebre:

Lisa Rinna: Elephantiasis of the Lips
Poised to pose for Playboy early in the new year, the 45-year-old mother of two and wife of Harry Hamlin has repeatedly denied using collagen or other synthetic fillers to give her lips an increasingly freakish fullness. Rinna should seize the opportunity to come clean and carry the banner for trout-lipped women the world over.

Nicole Kidman: Botulism
Plastic surgeons long ago deduced how to turn a scourge of the human race into the perfect facial de-wrinkler and Australian actress Nicole Kidman has long been rumored to be one of the facial-freezing toxins biggest users. If she came forward, she could inspire legions of addicts to put down the needle.

Pete Wentz: Clogged Pores
Not even the fey-est of rockers can keep up a daily make-up regime without paying in the form of clogged, acne-prone skin. Wentz should put down the eyeliner and pancake make-up and strike a blow for a return to au natural male skin.

Tom Cruise: Psychosis
We all know Scientology has made Tom Cruise a little weird (couch jumping, etc.), but who'd have thought that his crazy-eyed devotion to the belief system founded by sci-fi writer L. Ron Hubbard could lead to deep psychosis? According to some sources, the group's techniques include activities that increasingly cut adherents off from reality. This could be Tom's biggest role ever.

Gwyneth Paltrow/Kanye West: Megalomania
Paltrow and West could join forces -- egos permitting -- to raise awareness of their plight. Paltrow, who recently started evangelizing her lifestyle via new site GOOP, and West, with a history of awards show hissy fits, could change the way we treat raging self-absorption.

Additional candidates/conditions? Add yours below...

By Liz Kelly  | December 23, 2008; 10:43 AM ET
Categories:  Celebrities  
Save & Share:  Send E-mail   Facebook   Twitter   Digg   Yahoo Buzz   Del.icio.us   StumbleUpon   Technorati   Google Buzz   Previous: Morning Mix: Brit's Dad Gets a Pay Raise
Next: Morning Mix: Jennifer Hudson to Make First Appearance Since Family Tragedy

Comments

Pamela Anderson can speak out on the dangers of becoming a real-life used-up silicon sex doll.

Posted by: MStreet1 | December 23, 2008 11:02 AM | Report abuse

Early this week I expressed alarm at finding out just how far Lisa Rinna has taken her lip-enhancing collagen shots. Mind bleach, pronto.

Posted by: yellojkt | December 23, 2008 11:10 AM | Report abuse

It doesn't take a genius to figure out just which 'Chinese herbs' are included in a Colombia roll.

Posted by: yellojkt | December 23, 2008 11:12 AM | Report abuse

Madonna: Red Cross blood donation. With veiny arms like hers, giving is a snap.

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | December 23, 2008 11:13 AM | Report abuse

Katherine Heigl: Patroness of humility.

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | December 23, 2008 11:25 AM | Report abuse

Is it me, or does Pete Wentz look like Lisa Marie Presley in that photo?

Pete:
http://www.im-net.hu/images/wallpaper_images/1_pete_wentz1024.jpg

Lisa:
http://judithvankas.punt.nl/upload/756_(382_x_295).jpg

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | December 23, 2008 11:31 AM | Report abuse

Oprah Winfrey: Fatass who never shuts up about stuff she knows jack about - marriage, parenting.

Posted by: jezebel3 | December 23, 2008 11:51 AM | Report abuse

Add Madonna to the list of Megalomaniacs. She was recently quoted something to the effect of (sorry can't be bothered to look up the exact quote) "I used to want people to look like me. Now I want them to THINK like me". Heaven forbid.

Posted by: hodie | December 23, 2008 11:55 AM | Report abuse

Brangelina could be the poster children for people who collect poster children. Madonna may also wish to join this cause.

Michael Jackson and his battle against Peter Pan syndrome.

Billy Mays (the As Seen on TV guy) and his apparent battle with hearing loss.

Posted by: hodie | December 23, 2008 12:04 PM | Report abuse

Don't forget William Shatner on the meglomania list!

Posted by: cjbriggs | December 23, 2008 12:13 PM | Report abuse

"Billy Mays . . . and his apparent battle with hearing loss." --hodie

That is so funny you said that. Last night I saw his (new?) commercial for the make-five-sliders-at-once stovetop gadget and my son turned to me and asked, "why is that man shouting?"

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | December 23, 2008 12:18 PM | Report abuse

That is so funny you said that. Last night I saw his (new?) commercial for the make-five-sliders-at-once stovetop gadget and my son turned to me and asked, "why is that man shouting?"


Posted by: td_in_baltimore | December 23, 2008 12:18 PM

My son (16) just asked me to get the gadget! Mmm those sliders look good.

Posted by: hodie | December 23, 2008 12:28 PM | Report abuse

I've never seen that ad, so decided to Google on "five sliders" and "stovetop" in hopes of elucidating myself. And what should pop up as the first listing?
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=%22five+sliders%22+stovetop
Yup, hodie's comment which had just been posted TEN MINUTES earlier! Now, THAT's scary (and yes, I AM shouting). I still don't know what a slider is, though, other than a baseball pitch.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | December 23, 2008 12:42 PM | Report abuse

Jennifer Anniston: The inability to let go

Posted by: spartan123 | December 23, 2008 12:47 PM | Report abuse

Sliders: 1) Little teeny hamburgers (think White Castle) 2) Sci-fi show with Jerry O'Connell and John Rhys-Davies, pre-LOTR.

It's very important not to confuse the two unless you truly want that many John Rhys-Davies on your stovetop.

Posted by: CentrevilleMom | December 23, 2008 12:50 PM | Report abuse

Thanks, CentrevilleMom!

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | December 23, 2008 12:54 PM | Report abuse

Sliders: 1) Little teeny hamburgers (think White Castle) 2) Sci-fi show with Jerry O'Connell and John Rhys-Davies, pre-LOTR.

It's very important not to confuse the two unless you truly want that many John Rhys-Davies on your stovetop.

Posted by: CentrevilleMom | December 23, 2008 12:50


------------------------------------------
SPLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!

There goes my coffee....all over the screen.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | December 23, 2008 12:54 PM | Report abuse

The tried and true condition known as "Exhaustion"
Potential poster children: Elizabeth Taylor, Liza Minelli, Britney Spears, and lately, Samantha Ronson.

It's a condition brought on by having too much money and time on your hands.

Posted by: pras40 | December 23, 2008 12:55 PM | Report abuse

No stove top can hold that many John Rhys-Davis. The man cannot be described as teeny.

A few weeks back we described the condition of neediums as those who crave media attention. Most celebrities could be the billboard children for that one.

Posted by: epjd | December 23, 2008 1:01 PM | Report abuse

It's very important not to confuse the two unless you truly want that many John Rhys-Davies on your stovetop.

Posted by: CentrevilleMom | December 23, 2008 12:50

*******************************************

And CentrevilleMom has just brightened my day, and made my coworkers look at me funny.

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | December 23, 2008 1:04 PM | Report abuse

Hey! John Rys-Davis is a good guy. He produced my biography in 2006.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | December 23, 2008 1:05 PM | Report abuse

I do like John Rhys-Davies; I just wish he'd be a bit more selective instead of doing films like "The Unnameable 2" (scripted from Lovecraft's last grocery list) and "Sabertooth" (that also featured Sawyer from "Lost"... whose name I can't remember at the moment).

On the other hand, I'm a bit ambivalent about Jeremy Piven. I think I could respect him a bit more if he were a Freddie Mercury Man or even a Mercury Theatre Man. :\

Posted by: CentrevilleMom | December 23, 2008 1:11 PM | Report abuse

Speaking of "legions of addicts putting down the needle" --

The Madden brothers, various others:

Tattoo Dependency

Posted by: 44west | December 23, 2008 1:13 PM | Report abuse

Actually I'm a fan of both kinds of sliders. (Hey, I'm easily entertained).

It's actually td's comment that was at the top of the Google search. But hey that is so cool (and you are right Nosy, a little scary).

Posted by: hodie | December 23, 2008 1:24 PM | Report abuse

The entire NFL could lead the fight against gun violence.

Posted by: hlabadie | December 23, 2008 1:30 PM | Report abuse

Is there a medical term for the form of dementia which causes young starlets to forget their underwear?

Posted by: CentrevilleMom | December 23, 2008 1:31 PM | Report abuse

Britney -- the physical, mental, and spiritual consequences of eating Crisco straight from the can.

Posted by: TheBoreaucrat | December 23, 2008 1:40 PM | Report abuse

Is there a medical term for the form of dementia which causes young starlets to forget their underwear?

Posted by: CentrevilleMom | December 23, 2008 1:31 PM

-------------------------------------------
Commandolusion

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | December 23, 2008 1:46 PM | Report abuse

P.S. to Liz and others with ink: I am not talking about the coordinates of your childrens' birthplaces or "Wino Forever" -- I'm talking about the people who are left with their foreheads as the only free real estate (if that).

Not meaning to offend during this festive season!

Posted by: 44west | December 23, 2008 1:47 PM | Report abuse

This is what Billy Mays is hawking (warning, site loads with sound and Billy immediately begins yelling): https://www.bigcityslider.com/flare/next

---------
"Is there a medical term for the form of dementia which causes young starlets to forget their underwear?" --CentrevilleMom

Good question. That should be a Friday list topic. My suggestions:

* Lingeroops?
* Lingeritis?
* Tackycardia?
* Myopantia?
* Celebrisemperubisububia?

Needs work. . . .

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | December 23, 2008 1:57 PM | Report abuse

(OK, if I'd seen Sasquatch's comment about Commandolusion I wouldn't've bothered with mine. Bravo, Sas.)

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | December 23, 2008 1:59 PM | Report abuse

td, I think you meant
Mynopantia...

Happy Christmas everyone!

Posted by: VaLGaL | December 23, 2008 2:18 PM | Report abuse

Underwhoops?

Labiamnesia?

Kodak Moment?

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | December 23, 2008 2:21 PM | Report abuse

Nice, VaLGaL! I was going for the Myopia angle (I didn't see that I wasn't wearing underwear), but MyNo works even better.

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | December 23, 2008 2:31 PM | Report abuse

td, I think your Friday List idea is great. I was going to write "spot on", but that seemed to describe a young female celebrity who forgets to wear her underwear during that time of the month.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | December 23, 2008 2:38 PM | Report abuse

For the starlets without undies:

Koochievision

Posted by: spartan123 | December 23, 2008 2:47 PM | Report abuse

Tackycardia is too close to the name of an actual medical condition, tachycardia (aka rapid heart rate). Certainly though, an attractive young female with the former condition can cause epidemic bouts of the latter in young boys and dirty old men.

Posted by: hodie | December 23, 2008 3:10 PM | Report abuse

"Commando Starlets" would be a good name for a (probably bad) rock band. I had thought of suggesting "Starlet Commandos" but I am afraid that might lead to a distressing line of "action" figures which would wind up next to GI Joe in the toy section.

One could argue the concept has been used before, but the capacity for acceptance of recycled concepts under slight different names seems to be inexaustible.

Posted by: reddragon1 | December 23, 2008 3:26 PM | Report abuse

For the starlets without undies:

Koochievision

Posted by: spartan123 | December 23, 2008 2:47 PM

--------------------------------------------
That would be the pay-cable HD channel, yes?

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | December 23, 2008 3:32 PM | Report abuse

So now do we not only have a band, but a media outlet(hoochievision) and commercial spinoffs. To avoid copyright infringement suits we'll have to go the character knockoff route and call the Starlets "Normandie Javelins," "Iona Iowa", and "Brussels Ritz." Other than that, we have not just a Friday List (on Tuesday, cause its a short week) but an entire marketing concept.

Posted by: reddragon1 | December 23, 2008 3:44 PM | Report abuse

Other than that, we have not just a Friday List (on Tuesday, cause its a short week) but an entire marketing concept.

Posted by: reddragon1 | December 23, 2008 3:44 PM

---------------------------------------------
Here's the high-tech aspect to the marketing mix: Starlets without undies blog about their pantless exploits via the cell phone service called Twatter.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | December 23, 2008 4:09 PM | Report abuse

Sas, you've outdone yourself. (Cell phone service indeed!)

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | December 23, 2008 4:13 PM | Report abuse

Thanks, td. Can you tell that I'm avoiding a major debrief that I need to write?

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | December 23, 2008 4:20 PM | Report abuse

Sas
Can you tell that I'm avoiding a major debrief that I need to write?

A cryptid after my own heart! I managed to dawdle long enough that now it's too late to get some mailings to the Post Office today. I'm so proud of my indolence.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | December 23, 2008 4:37 PM | Report abuse

After all, it couldn't arrive before Friday regardless of whether I mailed it today or tomorrow...

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | December 23, 2008 4:38 PM | Report abuse

Better than being "debriefed". Good night everyone!

Posted by: hodie | December 23, 2008 4:38 PM | Report abuse

G'night, hodie. G'night Sas. G'night, JohnBoy.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | December 23, 2008 4:42 PM | Report abuse

The Scientology cult/criminal organization uses Tom Cruise and other Scilon celebritards to entice new paying customers. They count on the ignorant/gullible masses to believe that perhaps all the chatter about Scientology being "weird" is not true; after all, look at highly successful heterosexual celebrity Tom Cruise; perhaps this merits a visit to the Scientology "org" for a free personality test.

Unfortunately, Scientology is not merely weird. The simplest thing to say is that it is much, much worse than most people believe it to be. It is a multi-national criminal network whose stated goal is to "obliterate" the mental health profession and to "clear the planet" of "suppressive persons," i.e. people who do not want to become Scientologists. This cult runs secret prisons for dissenters; forces abortions upon women who have signed a "billion year contract"; practises "fair game" revenge upon any critic; commits tax fraud, visa fraud, and medical fraud on an epidemic scale; and much more.

I encourage anyone whom this makes curious to visit http://www.youfoundthecard.com

Posted by: lilly_von_marcab | December 25, 2008 9:54 AM | Report abuse

think aerosmith:

kittyswinging

Posted by: memphis1 | December 29, 2008 11:56 AM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

 
 
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