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Posted at 11:15 AM ET, 01/ 6/2009

How Webby is... 'Real Housewife' Kim Zolciak? (Who?)

By Liz Kelly

(Image courtesy kimzolciakonline.com)

Expending more than 50 words on a woman whose biggest claim to fame is an utterly contrived second-rate reality show strikes me as overkill, but would our Celebritology studies be complete with the occasional look at wannabes?

Enter Kim Zolciak. You may remember her (or not) as the zaftig blond aspiring singer (who can't sing) on Bravo's "Real Housewives of Atlanta" series. It should be noted that Zolciak is neither a housewife (unless playing mistress to married men of financial means counts) nor real (unless real somehow encompasses an enigmatic wig and spray tans). Still, she did add a bit of extra crunch to a show that was already a train wreck. Season two kicks off later this year. Yay.

Now, like many an aspiring "Real Wives" wannabe crossover before her, Zolciak has taken to the Web. Zolciak's site includes the usual -- personal pix, contact information for bookings and upcoming appearances (Sundance?).

Happily, Zolciak has also decided to blog. Here she writes about a family trip:

Recently I vacationed with my two girls for the Christmas holiday's in the Bahamas and found some photos that someone snapped of me while at the beach.

Lucky find. The photos in question are three cheesy, soft focus shots of a cougar print bikini-clad Zolciak doing her best to look provocative for the camera. One is reproduced above. No sign of those kids, though I'm sure they're somewhere just off camera holding mommy's Red Bull and Marlboros.

An otherwise unremarkable site is saved, somewhat, by the insightful comments section. A sampling:

-- "You need to go back to your Chili's clinic and get your saggy ta-ta's lifted."

-- "You are very pretty and clearly have a great body judging by the pictures but seriously get rid of the wig. It looks like it was made by Mattel. It's not doing you any favors."

-- "Why don't yuo [sic] just say that you are a media [expletive] and had your daughters snap these pictures so yuo [sic] could post them on your lame-[expletive] blog."

I think that about says it all. Carry on.

By Liz Kelly  | January 6, 2009; 11:15 AM ET
Categories:  How Webby is...  
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Comments

Good to see someone following through on the trail blazed by the likes of Darva Conger.

Since she's such a talented singer - i say we let her front Hole... it would be appropriate

Posted by: quintiliusvarus | January 6, 2009 11:32 AM | Report abuse

I'm so glad I never got sucked in this "real houswives" phenomenon.

That "True Beauty" show is another story. Who else watched THAT train wreck last nite?

Or even better, will someone else watch for me so I don't have to?

Posted by: wadejg | January 6, 2009 11:35 AM | Report abuse

Didn't someone recently ask whose photo should be displayed by the word "Narcissist"? This Kim creature would definitely fit the bill.

Posted by: hodie | January 6, 2009 11:40 AM | Report abuse

Thanks for that picture of Kim and "the girls," Liz Kelly. But I have a (very minor) quibble: M-W dictionary defines "zaftig" as "(of a woman) : having a full rounded figure : pleasingly plump"

She's not really full-figured or "plump," is she?

Posted by: byoolin1 | January 6, 2009 11:45 AM | Report abuse

Isn't this the same chick who claimed to have signed a "very lucrative deal" to pose nude in Playboy only to have Hef's people comeback with a simple "Kim Who?"?

I think the third quote at the bottom sums this chick up very well...

She's a media "ho" who's 15 minutes of fame should have been up before they started.

Posted by: ChaoticCracker | January 6, 2009 11:51 AM | Report abuse

Obviously, Byoolin, you did not watch The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Kim was very zaftig on that show.

Apparently, she's been working out. However, I'm not buying it. Everything about her is so fake that I refuse to believe that picture is current.

Also, the only thing we really want to know is how her country music recording career is going.

She's got a gift, you know.

Posted by: mdreader01 | January 6, 2009 11:54 AM | Report abuse

Quint, thx for mentioning Hole so I can post a perfect discription of Ms. Love per yesterday's clothing (or lack thereof)display. She is three hangers short of a closet.
Looks like that would also apply to today's subject, as well as the term "wiggy."
I actually watched an episode of "Real HW of Orange County", and am glad to see the criteria (not real, not housewives) hasn't changed with the change of venue.

Posted by: reddragon1 | January 6, 2009 11:55 AM | Report abuse

Third Quote from the Bottom would be a great name for a rock band. Red Bull and Marlboros would be a great name for a country band.

Posted by: reddragon1 | January 6, 2009 12:00 PM | Report abuse

YIKES! Either that cleavage is poorly airbrushed, or the display of surgical scars has become acceptable.

Posted by: northgs | January 6, 2009 12:10 PM | Report abuse

"Cougar print" says it all.

Posted by: yellojkt | January 6, 2009 12:13 PM | Report abuse

I'm with byoolin1 -- Kim's hardly zaftig, even on the show. Can't wait for it to return, tho. She and NeNe? The best of kind of trainwrecks.

Posted by: crissyfresh | January 6, 2009 12:25 PM | Report abuse

Real Housewives of Atlanta? I'd rather sit and watch paint dry, thanks.

As for whomever this chick is, her biggest claim to fame is an utterly contrived second-rate set of fake ta-tas, apparently.

Posted by: Californian11 | January 6, 2009 12:37 PM | Report abuse

That website is delicious. Let's see:

* "Season 2 of RHOA Announced" -- I say we refer to the show as "Real HOA" (say it out loud pronouncing HOA with two syllables).

* "I am so excited to be part of the festival in way of helping to give back to others while doing something I do very well, playing poker." -- obviously other talents are less lucrative in a charity tournament format

* "I will be joining several celebrities" -- what she didn't say is, "though I, myself, am not one." I can see her at a poker table introducing herself to Alec Baldwin, Anne Hathaway, and Demi Moore as they all think to themselves, "Who let her in here? Is she the drinks waitress?"

And that's just the homepage? Sadly, Kim is currently losing the "Which ATL Housewive Are You Most Like?" poll. Nene is sweeping the gigantic response (sample size: n = 21) has 57%.

Kim cannot even be first on her own website! Let's all vote for her now and watch the numbers change; after the Playboy letdown, perhaps she needs a little self-esteem boost.

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | January 6, 2009 12:38 PM | Report abuse

"An otherwise unremarkable site is saved, somewhat, by the insightful comments section"

Comments are the BEST part of the Net.

Yes, those tits are sagggy. Yuck.

Posted by: jezebel3 | January 6, 2009 12:46 PM | Report abuse

This is my favorite comment on her website:

"Anonymous said... Kim your wig needs its own blog. When can we hear your angelic voice again. I bet your wig tries to run away a night so you keep it on a leash. One day it's going to leap off your head onto an open flame to end it's misery."

OK, which one of you posted that? MoCo? MStreet? Fess up so we can all applaud.

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | January 6, 2009 12:50 PM | Report abuse

I wouldn't mention it, but Defamer brought it to my attention and I now can't bleach it out of my mind, so I might as well spread the misery. There is some serious cameltoe going on in those swimsuit shots. We are talking Lawrence of Arabia quality.

Posted by: yellojkt | January 6, 2009 12:57 PM | Report abuse

My fave comment on that blog is this:

Anonymous said...

Nice cameltoe wiggy.
January 5, 2009 10:22 AM

Hilarious.

Posted by: jelo | January 6, 2009 1:04 PM | Report abuse

Nice cameltoe wiggy.
January 5, 2009 10:22 AM

Hilarious.

Posted by: jelo | January 6, 2009 1:04 PM

Lose your appetite, lickity split. Oprah's zillionth weight-loss plan.

Posted by: jezebel3 | January 6, 2009 1:08 PM | Report abuse

Using "lickity split" in reference to cameltoe has to be the BEST double-entendre/Freudian slip EVER.

Posted by: byoolin1 | January 6, 2009 1:13 PM | Report abuse


Using "lickity split" in reference to cameltoe has to be the BEST double-entendre/Freudian slip EVER.

Posted by: byoolin1 | January 6, 2009 1:13 PM

We know the universe is in perfect working order when byoolin picks up on this so quickly.

Posted by: jelo | January 6, 2009 1:47 PM | Report abuse

Wow. Water all over keyboard. That was a great collaberative effort. Thanks, guys.

Posted by: aesully | January 6, 2009 2:14 PM | Report abuse

when i mentioned darva i wasnt kidding...

i guess you guys dont remember this (and it took some searching to find)

http://www.ccreativedesign.com/workbench/darvashouse2/home_flash.html

Posted by: quintiliusvarus | January 6, 2009 2:36 PM | Report abuse

quintilius, I should've tried harder to resist that catnip you posted! Now I'll need to use a hand-rail till I regain my equilibrium (or maybe I AM just hopelessly mediocre, although unlike Darva at least I can spell Montesquieu). BTW, isn't a conger an eel, or some other equally slippery critter?

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | January 6, 2009 2:43 PM | Report abuse

Quin: Appropriate, yes, but redundant

Posted by: karmadrome | January 6, 2009 2:44 PM | Report abuse

jez
Comments are the BEST part of the Net.

And now you all know the reason I don't have a comments section on my website! It's bad enough having to deal with the occasional crank email that comes over my virtual transom the "Contact us" icon.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | January 6, 2009 2:46 PM | Report abuse

Omitted a word. Should read, via the "Contact us" icon.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | January 6, 2009 2:48 PM | Report abuse

And now you all know the reason I don't have a comments section on my website! It's bad enough having to deal with the occasional crank email that comes over my virtual transom the "Contact us" icon.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | January 6, 2009 2:46 PM


Where is your website?

Posted by: jezebel3 | January 6, 2009 2:51 PM | Report abuse

jez
Where is your website?

On the, ahem, Internets.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | January 6, 2009 2:57 PM | Report abuse

I'm sorry, did you all say something? I was too busy reading "The beautiful poem 'Desiderata'" on Darva Conger's website. Now I'm all placid.

And I can't remember who Darva was in the first place. Help me out -- Survivor? The first Bachelorette? Gary Hart's mistress? Jim Bakker's floozie? "Project Runway" runner-up? I'm totally blanking.

Clearly I'm too exhausted after two days back in the office to find Wikipedia. And that durn Darva won't let me read her Bio unless I sign her guest book and ask her to keep in touch. No thanks.

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | January 6, 2009 3:33 PM | Report abuse

Ah, td. Darva Conger was the "winner" on Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire! Wow - think it's been about 10 years now, but it was a fantastic one or two hour special. Little did Fox know how many series they would create from this bizarre little concept, including Rock of Love and Flavor of Love...

Posted by: suzannepdc | January 6, 2009 3:37 PM | Report abuse

I thought Darva was one of those Fawn Hall-Donna The Lady Who Hid Documents In Her Panties During Iran Contra-Jessica Hahn--"Ladies" who sleep with politicians/evangelists bunch. No wonder I didn't know who she was.

Posted by: jelo | January 6, 2009 3:48 PM | Report abuse

Dammit! My Net Nanny won't let me into the Zolciak Zoo to view the camels and the pseudo pamplemousses. I guess I'll have to content myself with Gwynnie the Poo.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | January 6, 2009 3:48 PM | Report abuse

Would LiLo and Sam reconcile lickety split?

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | January 6, 2009 3:53 PM | Report abuse

Thanks, Suzanne. I was in the ballpark but not the row. Appreciate it!

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | January 6, 2009 3:53 PM | Report abuse

No problem td. I do and always have, watched terrible, terrible TV and that was fabulous. I think they were going to show it again, until they found out that the groom had been arrested and/or charged with beating his ex-wife or something, so I am not sure if they ever did re-air it. Just happy I knew enough to see it live!

Posted by: suzannepdc | January 6, 2009 4:24 PM | Report abuse

"zaftig" - Hardly. I'm sure you're not intentionally saying anyone who's collarbone doesn't jut out is fat, are you?

Posted by: Guyasuta | January 6, 2009 4:53 PM | Report abuse

Just to show my age and the fact that I am incredibly boring:

Darva Conger -- Who Wants to Mary a MultiMillionaire. Oh so much from that show, including multi=2, and he had a restraining order.

Fawn Hall was Col. North's secretary who the documents in her boots during Iran Contra.

Donna Rice sailed on the Monkey Business with Gary Hart after he told the press to follow him, they will be bored.

Jessica Hahn slept with Jimm Baker. Proving that power is an aphrodisiac especially if one keeps one's eyes closed.

And all of them were more interesting than this Kim Person.

Posted by: epjd | January 6, 2009 4:54 PM | Report abuse

Oh no, ep, old is remembering Fanne Fox and Elizabeth Ray. And being really decrepit is recalling Christine Keeler and Mandy Rice-Davies.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | January 6, 2009 5:00 PM | Report abuse

"zaftig" - Hardly. I'm sure you're not intentionally saying anyone who's collarbone doesn't jut out is fat, are you?

Posted by: Guyasuta | January 6, 2009 4:53 PM

====
We need to address this immediately. The Kim Z in the above picture appears to be a slimmer version of the Kim Z trainwreck that was on Season 1 of Real Housewives of Atlanta.

That Kim Z had a flabby belly that protruded from her low cut designer jeans, love handles for days, and big flabby arms. She also smoked a pack of cigarettes a day. She was trying to jump start a country music career by recording a demo tape with record producer Dallas Austin.

When Liz called her "zaftig" she was referring to Kim Zolciak v.1, who we saw on Season 1. Perhaps KZ v.2 is more fit. I would not call the gal pictured above zaftig at all...then again, I am not 100% sure I could call her Kim Zolciak circa 2008, either.

Posted by: mdreader01 | January 6, 2009 5:15 PM | Report abuse

Maybe we could call her cameltoe zaftig.

Posted by: jelo | January 6, 2009 5:48 PM | Report abuse

Maybe we could call her cameltoe zaftig.

Posted by: jelo | January 6, 2009 5:48 PM

____________________________

Are you sure Cameltoe Zaftig isn't a displaced Zappa child?

Posted by: MStreet1 | January 6, 2009 6:08 PM | Report abuse

For anyone still around, Bonnie Hunt and Niecy Nash's version of RHOA:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XxVFrXq5fnA&feature=related

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | January 6, 2009 9:15 PM | Report abuse

Just to show my age and the fact that I am incredibly boring:

,,>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Posted by: epjd | January 6, 2009 4:54 PM

Mission accomplished.

Posted by: jezebel3 | January 7, 2009 8:12 AM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

 
 
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