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Posted at 9:34 AM ET, 01/ 2/2009

What Would Gwyneth Do... in the Bathroom

By Liz Kelly

Gwyneth Paltrow wants adults to eat this goop. Hehe. (Image courtesy GOOP)

Dear Gwyneth Paltrow,

This GOOP thing has taken on a whole new meaning with your latest weekly dispatch. And I'm telling you, it is not a good meaning. Let me be blunt:

If I want advice about bowel movements I'll ask a "Gray's Anatomy" cast member, vet, real doctor, my mom, but -- trust me on this -- the last thing I need, want or expect from an Oscar-winnng actress (even if that was just beginner's luck) is folksy, new age blathering about sluggish bowels. I mean, please -- no wonder your husband has a soundproof panic room. Where else can he evacuate in peace?

And, no, I didn't write you just so I could post an open letter which would forever link your name to "bowel movements" in Google search, but lady, you have got to stop with this stuff. We've already had this talk, but you persists in sending these missives each week telling me how to eat, shop, dress, travel and now how to makeover my digestive tract. Enough. At least your buddy Madonna has the good sense to keep her whackadoodle Kaballah stuff to herself. (Well, mostly -- unless you happen to be a minor in Malawi or an embittered ex-husband.)

Oh, and by the way: I don't care how much ginger you add, beet juice will never pass these lips.

How about instead of writing about elimination, you just eliminate GOOP? Happy New Year!

By Liz Kelly  | January 2, 2009; 9:34 AM ET
Categories:  Celebrities  
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Next: John Travolta's 16-Year-Old Son Dies

Comments

Wow, I knew Paltrow is that many sandwiches short of a picnic. She is certifiable.

Posted by: Guyasuta | January 2, 2009 10:10 AM | Report abuse

She may call it "detox". I call it "starvation". This looks like something posted on an anorexia website.
However, I agree clear liquids are more easily digested than chunky foods. Straight Bourbon has always done more for me than those Pina Colada-type drinks.

Posted by: possum_pouch | January 2, 2009 10:20 AM | Report abuse

Good way to start the year, Liz! You had me cackling out loud with the line of being linked by Google with bowel movements.

An aside, our town is experimenting with beet juice as a rock salt substitute to de-ice our roads. Does this sound like something you would like to consume?

Posted by: hodie | January 2, 2009 10:22 AM | Report abuse

Google + Gwynneth's bowel movement advice = (a heaping pile of) GOOPle.

A simplified version of her DAY ONE menu: Water, herbal tea, smoothie, coconut water, salad w/carrot-ginger dressing, pumpkin and sunflower seeds, broccoli and arugula soup

What's that, 100 calories total? Where is her protein coming from, sunflower seeds? She's a few leaves short of an herbal teabag with this "meal" (ha!) plan.

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | January 2, 2009 10:36 AM | Report abuse

Puts me in mind of a list:

Celebs whose photos are most likely next to the word "narcissist" in the dictionary.

Posted by: memphis1 | January 2, 2009 10:43 AM | Report abuse

SHE has to lose a few pounds? WHERE? Her fat head I suspect.

Posted by: wadejg | January 2, 2009 11:57 AM | Report abuse

There were a bunch of articles all over the web last week about not taking health advice from celebs. Guess they knew this was coming.

Seriously, what is it with celebs and our food intake? Do they want to not look so starved by making the rest of us look like concentration camp survivors? Not to mention this detoxifying affects the digestive tract in a less than roselike way, if you know what I mean.

Posted by: epjd | January 2, 2009 12:13 PM | Report abuse

Holy crap. BM advice from Gwyneth. That's worse than TP advice from Sheryl Crow (you use your one square, Sheryl... just don't expect me to shake your hand no matter how much antibacterial, animal-safe, biodegradable, recycled, low VOC, non-toxic, no more tears, bumper-to-bumper warrantied soap you use.).

Posted by: Left_of_the_Pyle | January 2, 2009 12:20 PM | Report abuse

Yo, Gwynnie: how can your bowels be sluggish on a 500-calorie-a-day mostly liquid diet like this one? Are you secretly binging on massive quantities of string cheese?

Posted by: byoolin1 | January 2, 2009 12:26 PM | Report abuse

At first, her dispatch seemed to be merely puzzling. Why does she need to lose weight? She's thin as it is; I can't see her consuming 10-12 fruitcakes during the holiday season. Then there was the asterisk next to her doctor's name. It seemed like there would have been a footnote like, "Used steroids during his intern period", but the book explanation was almost as good. However, she completely lost me at the phrase, "This dressing is the jam!"

"Is the jam"?!?

What in the name of Noah Webster does that mean? Is this the new "is da bomb"? Does it play music? Does it cause paper to get stuck in the printer? Or is it that she's never had actual jam and can't tell the difference?

Posted by: CentrevilleMom | January 2, 2009 12:45 PM | Report abuse

"Please, Sir, I want some more."

Nah, on second thought, not even starving Oliver would want more of this GOOP.

Posted by: MStreet1 | January 2, 2009 1:15 PM | Report abuse

What in the name of Noah Webster does that mean? Is this the new "is da bomb"? Does it play music? Does it cause paper to get stuck in the printer? Or is it that she's never had actual jam and can't tell the difference?

Posted by: CentrevilleMom | January 2, 2009 12:45 PM

I think she means all the strawberry jelly we will have to put on the dishes to make it palatable!

Posted by: hodie | January 2, 2009 1:26 PM | Report abuse

Um, correct me if I'm wrong, but you have to sign up for the GOOP newsletters to receive them...so what you have done is basically solicited the newsletters from GOOP knowing full well that they were based on advice about a variety of topics from an actress and are not gleefully criticizing them because it makes you feel superior.

Happy New Year.

Posted by: inspired3 | January 2, 2009 1:38 PM | Report abuse

Thanks for the caption, Liz. Otherwise I would have been certain Gwyneth wanted us to crap that mush, not eat it.

Posted by: yellojkt | January 2, 2009 1:44 PM | Report abuse

Liz, I think you use the beet juice and ginger for your high colonic irrigation. Perhaps at your Friday night enema party with Madge.

Posted by: possum_pouch | January 2, 2009 2:33 PM | Report abuse

Liz,

I think inspired3 got you there.

You say to Gwennie, "You persists [sic] in sending these missives each week." Well, you get them only if you sign up for them.

I agree wholeheartedly with your comments, observations, and opinions about this silly creature. But I do have to wonder why you ask for this stuff...

Posted by: kjohnson3 | January 2, 2009 3:25 PM | Report abuse

Okay, for all the folks confused about why Queen Liz gets the GOOP Newsletter, let me explain. It's her JOB. She reports on celebrity info. Therefore, she has to know what the celebrities are doing. Since the point is to snark on them, if a celebrity is stupid enough to create a website and create an email list to send out waaay too personal information, well, Liz would be remiss in her duties if she did not sign up. She would be missing a HUGE snarking opportunity.

Posted by: epjd | January 2, 2009 3:30 PM | Report abuse

Yeah! what ep said! Plus she/we don't need to make ourselves feel superior because we already know we are! ;-)

Happy New Year!

PS. If you can't make fun of a blog dedicated to bms, what can you make fun of??

Posted by: hodie | January 2, 2009 3:35 PM | Report abuse

What a way to start off the year, by talking poop!

BTW, it's funny too, cuase google the ads --> are all about Colon clensing.

Happy New Year's!

Posted by: Guest1234 | January 2, 2009 3:43 PM | Report abuse

Is this the same person who went on a gastronomic tour of Spain with Mario Batali? How is that possible?

Posted by: wdrudman | January 2, 2009 4:09 PM | Report abuse

Breaking news: John Travolta's son Jett dead at 16. http://www.ktla.com/landing_topstories/?John-Travoltas-Son-Dead-at-16=1&blockID=175437&feedID=1198

Condolences to the family. But, I have to say it, maybe if the family didn't belong to such a whackdoodle religion, he could have gotten real help for his condition. Then he would still be alive.

Posted by: epjd | January 2, 2009 4:59 PM | Report abuse

ep, of course it's a personal and human tragedy for the Travoltas, of a magnitude that one wouldn't wish on (just about) anyone, including them. As to whether $cientology exacerbated Jett's condition, or prevented him from getting treatment that would have helped him significantly, consider this:

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,475324,00.html
"Jett had a history of seizures. Travolta has said that his son suffered from Kawasaki Syndrome. Jett has also been reported to suffer from autism, but Travolta denied those claims."

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | January 2, 2009 5:08 PM | Report abuse

Wow, that diet really blows. How about posting something useful like recipes for an entire family instead of just for yourself, Gwyneth? But then again you probably don't do your own cooking anyway.

Posted by: collielover | January 2, 2009 5:24 PM | Report abuse

"Gwyneth? But then again you probably don't do your own cooking anyway."

Does nobody remember the scene in Extras where Chris Martin says that he has to get home because Gwyneth is making Shake and Bake tonight? Or was is drumsticks? You get the idea.

Posted by: TonyMostyn | January 2, 2009 6:16 PM | Report abuse

Re Gwinnie the Poo(p). In fact, I officialy start the rumour that that's how she came up with Goop. The photo looks suspiciously like it really was leek puree a dish I make every Chrismas with turkey: leeks "melted" in butter and glace de canard, pureed with creme fraiche, passed through a fine seive, finished with butter. I serve it alongside another puree of orange sweet potatoes, ancho chili powder & more creme fraiche.

I bet one could take a pretty unappetizing photo of a bowl of mashed potatoes too, and unless you were wearing a fat suit (unspanx?)during that Holoween video, those almost certainly have passed your lips. They certainly did mine.

Which is precisely why people detox. Turing with Molto Mario not required. And why I'm doing it.

Should beets ever pass your lips (I slow roast Chioggias for two hours, bathed in olive oil, wrapped in heavy foil, peel them & thin slice them), don't eat too many, or, to put it delicately, you may conclude that you have internal bleeding.

Posted by: kabuki3 | January 2, 2009 8:13 PM | Report abuse

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/7808348.stm

according to bbc, "detox" is crap.

Posted by: skitch00 | January 5, 2009 12:58 PM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

 
 
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