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Posted at 6:57 AM ET, 01/26/2009

Morning Mix: Paul McCartney Set for Marriage No. 3?

By Liz Kelly

'Benjamin Button''s' Taraji P. Henson (left) and 'The Office's' Mindy Kaling arrive at the 15th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards held at the Shrine Auditorium on Sunday Los Angeles. (Getty Images)
Monday

Headlines: Meryl Streep and Sean Penn take top honors at Screen Actors Guild awards; Heath Ledger wins for "Dark Knight"; Alec Baldwin takes daughter Ireland to awards show... British TV host quizzes Tom Cruise about flatulence... Prince Harry splits from longtime girlfriend... Kanye West says Web site hackers tried to link him to gay porn... Zsa Zsa Gabor loses $7 million in Madoff scam... Rumer Willis says she once had posters of stepdad Ashton Kutcher on her wall... Molly Ringwald pregnant with twins... No new reality show for Nicole Richie.

Pix & Vid: Lindsay Lohan continues to shrink.

Crime Watch: Three arrested in Travolta extortion plot; accused senator resigns; family friend says he was not involved.

Rumor Mill: Gisele Bunchen denies rumors of engagement to Tom Brady... Paul McCartney planning third wedding?... Megan Fox to take over Lara Croft role from Angelina Jolie?

Say What?
"Just buck up and get over it. Stop being such a f---king pansy." -- Scientologiest Bijou Phillips's advice for people on antidepressants.

By Liz Kelly  | January 26, 2009; 6:57 AM ET
Categories:  Daily Mix  
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Next: Celebritology 101: Red Carpet Moments from Hell

Comments

HOST: "So, Wee Tom, let's talk about you and stinkers."
CRUISE: "Sorry, I never talk about 'Losin' It.' Not even on my official bio."
HOST: "I am referring to flatulence."
CRUISE: "So am I!"

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | January 26, 2009 7:27 AM | Report abuse

Wee Tom wants to be in a musical!! Except he needs to be taller, know how to sing and dance, be better-looking and not afraid to co-star with Academy Award-winning actresses like Nicole and Renee. Sorry, Wee Tom, but you know what that's called? Ewan McGregor.
(Brought to you by the Possum Island Ewan Fan Club...we also like Charley,but he farts too much.)

Posted by: possum_pouch | January 26, 2009 7:41 AM | Report abuse

You know, Bijou, some might suggest the same 'medicine' for your choice of 'religion'... wouldn't be me though, i don't want to be sued.

Posted by: quintiliusvarus | January 26, 2009 7:56 AM | Report abuse

Hmmm, Sir Paul getting married again? If he gives up half 'is fortune for each marriage and subsequent divorce, he may only afford to get married 17 more times.

Posted by: elias_howe | January 26, 2009 8:13 AM | Report abuse

I hope Bijou Phillips gets Lyme or some hormonal imbalance causing illness so I can tell her to buck up and get over it, f'ing pansy.

Rumer, we're not really surprised. See: Katie Holmes re: Tom Cruise, except with more of an Electra complex thrown in.

That's right, Kanye, blame it on "hackers."

Posted by: eet7e | January 26, 2009 8:37 AM | Report abuse

Based on Bijou Phillips' comments I'm guessing Scientology isn't a religion that's strong on compassion.

Those pics of LL are disturbing. She'd have to wear about 10 pair of her leggings for her legs to look normal.

Posted by: pras40 | January 26, 2009 8:56 AM | Report abuse

So if Bijou sees a car accident and is compelled to stop and render aid (seeing as she, as a scientologist, is the only one capable of rendering the necessary aid), does her aid consist of telling the car accident victim to just 'get over' their severed limb?

Posted by: LTL1 | January 26, 2009 9:07 AM | Report abuse

Is American Justice Dead? Hopefully not for Georges Marciano Co-Founder of Guess


Is American justice dead? Well, as I have been working on getting Georges story out to anyone and everyone for the last couple of days. I am baffled at the lack of response from agencies that are supposed to be there waiting to jump on the chance at serving up justice due. I have contacted multiple news agencies and I have received only one response and even that was only because there was a connection to another story (attorney Dreyer arrested). I am going through my list today of news networks and other types of media that I can contact to see if they want to perhaps do a “True Hollywood Story” or Entertainment/ Celebrity news show on this incredible story. I wonder why it is so hard to get justice for a man who worked his whole life to achieve great things for himself and his family, employed thousands with his efforts and yet…. If the story isn’t hot they don’t seem to care ….well to him, his family and others who have met him this is a hot story. Is that what you really need to get justice done?
In many of my discussions with Georges I have heard of how many he has approached in the past three years and yet still nothing. Georges has done things that none of us dare, such as begging the IRS to audit him…in search of justice without knowing if this would put him in a worse position, yet no response even from the IRS. He has had multiple subpoenas issued from the court to Bank of America to get his own copies of his accounts and they still after three years…refuse to give him all of his statements, receipts, withdrawal slips. Georges came from a financially modest upbringing like most of us these days, but as he says, he was blessed. In my opinion yes he was blessed but he also worked from scratch to where he is today. Isn’t that the “American Dream”? Just think if all you have worked and struggled for over the last 45 years was taken from you. You turned to the authorities (court system), law enforcement, lawyers, CPA’s and each and everyone has either stole from you, turned his back on you or used you.
This is not the America I know and love and it is not the America Georges knows and loves either.
I ask this question: where do we go from here? I send this on behalf of Georges Marciano Co-founder of Guess
http://o8justiceforall.wordpress.com/

Posted by: o8justiceforall | January 26, 2009 9:10 AM | Report abuse

Ah, Scientology...the snarker's gift that keeps on giving.

Posted by: KevFromArlington | January 26, 2009 9:12 AM | Report abuse

According to the article, Bijou Phillips also said, "My grandparents didn't take any pills, and they were fine."

(But her dad, Papa John Phillips, took enough pills for the whole family all by himself.)

The only consolation to draw from Bijou's comments is that she demonstrates $cientology's inherent Cruisiness more convincingly than any detractor ever could. Keep up the good work, Bijou!

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | January 26, 2009 9:16 AM | Report abuse

British TV host quizzes Tom Cruise about flatulence...

What the article actually says is, "[controversial British host Jonathan] Ross went on to ask a stunned Cruise if he passed wind while sharing a bed with wife Katie Holmes."

I wonder if Ross's REAL question here was how often Cruise and Holmes share the same bed. It immediately evoked this classis scene in "The Pink Panther":

Sir Charles [David Niven]: Are you?

Princess Dala [Claudia Cardinale]: What?

Sir Charles: What they call you—the Virgin Queen?

Princess Dala: I’m not a queen.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | January 26, 2009 9:31 AM | Report abuse

"Pink Panther" dialogue snippet source: http://www.bartleby.com/66/4/18504.html

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | January 26, 2009 9:32 AM | Report abuse

So much snark to catch up on.....


I so would do Molly Ringwold....from 1984...


As if we needed more evidence of the creepiness of the Kutcher/Willis/Moore clan.


Hey ep, do you have any legal advice for Sir Paul and his third marriage?


According to the article, Megan Fox would like to "lock lips" with Angelina Jolie....I think I just blacked out there for a second.


Oh Bijou, Bijou, Bijou, you were so great in...in...now wait, hold on it'll come to me...any second now....

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | January 26, 2009 9:38 AM | Report abuse

Bernie, Dahling, vat eez this you do to me, dahling? Now my dahling pool boy has called off zee wedding!

Oh Lilo, someone give that girl a sandwhich.

Recognizing Wee Tom is full of hot air, I think it was perfectly natural for that British talk show host to question him about his nightly eructations. (but personally, TMI!)

Bijou goes on to prove that there is no Science in Scientology. What an idiot.

Posted by: hodie | January 26, 2009 9:48 AM | Report abuse

"Illinois' beleaguered Gov. Rod Blagojevich said today that when he was deciding who would take President Obama's Senate seat he considered appointing talk show queen Oprah Winfrey."
http://www.abcnews.go.com/Politics/US/story?id=6730220&page=1

Show of hands: How many folks think Oprah would have accepted the offer? Maybe Bijou Phillips could arrange for Blago to get some $cientology treatment for his delusions at the celebrity center in LA...

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | January 26, 2009 9:50 AM | Report abuse

hodie
eructations

As opposed to er*tions?

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | January 26, 2009 9:52 AM | Report abuse

Dr. hodie, is there a pill for eructations?

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | January 26, 2009 9:57 AM | Report abuse

Dorkus
is there a pill for eructations?

Yes, but $cientology doesn't believe in taking them. They tell people who eat beans for dinner, "Just buck up and get over it."

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | January 26, 2009 10:01 AM | Report abuse

Nosy - I'm guessing Miss O would have taken the Senate seat. Then upon her arrival in DC, would have expected to have whatever committee chairmanship she desired. The fact that seniority rules in the Senate would be completely lost on her. She would make the Senate all about her.

Posted by: JLRGG | January 26, 2009 10:10 AM | Report abuse

"My grandparents didn't take any pills, and they were fine."

No they weren't, Bijou Phillips. According to your father's biography, his dad (which would make him your grandpa) was a heavy drinker and very unhappy.

But then again, don't you think it's kind of funny that you have to skip an entire generation to attempt to prove your point?

Posted by: mdreader01 | January 26, 2009 10:14 AM | Report abuse

Dr. hodie, is there a pill for eructations?

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | January 26, 2009 9:57 AM

Yes, It is called Beano!

Posted by: hodie | January 26, 2009 10:33 AM | Report abuse

You know, it could have been nice if Oprah got that senate seat. She likes to give everyone in the audience gifts. Think of all the pork that would be distributed to the masses! Look under your seats people, there may just be a tax credit or financial bailout there for you!

Posted by: hodie | January 26, 2009 10:38 AM | Report abuse

Anyone else notice the weird difference in head size between Bijou and her boyfriend? Is he from outer space? Or is she just made out of plastic?
Also, word on the street is that Tom and Katie have separate bedrooms. I think the reason is more serious than mere flatulence.

Posted by: possum_pouch | January 26, 2009 10:41 AM | Report abuse

"In Torre’s Book, Rodriguez Comments Stand Out":
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/26/sports/baseball/26torre.html?hp

Insights into A-Rod's unslakable thirst for attention, in new book "The Yankee Years" by former manager Joe Torre.

Sounds like A-Rod and Madge deserve one another.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | January 26, 2009 10:43 AM | Report abuse

Today's thoughts...

I'm thinking the Paul McCartney beach picture is totally Photoshopped. That's his face, but it's someone else's torso and I'm sure I saw those legs on Amy Winehouse's beach picture last week.

Poor Kanye...he's designing shoes for Louis Vitton. How DARE anyone accuse him of being bi-sexual! You haven't even seen the shoes yet.

Rumer sounds like a down-to-earth gal. However, she also sounds like someone who might be saving up some cash for a chin job. If her voice is as good as she says it is, she may wish to have a talk with Barbara Streisand.

Posted by: mdreader01 | January 26, 2009 10:56 AM | Report abuse

Wow. I was planning to contribute some seriously pithy snark today, but everybody's got it pretty well covered.

Good work, lizards. Now I can just sit back and watch the magic.

Posted by: memphis1 | January 26, 2009 10:58 AM | Report abuse

Oh,Bijou, my dear. I fear you are so mistaken.

I live with depression every day, chemical, not situational - it runs in my family.

How dare you, in your ignorance, decide that all I have to do is "get over it" Believe me, if I could "snap out of it" I would in a second.

I hope you never experience the pain my husband and I exprience every day. He lives with a depressed loved one and he is a prince because of it. I can't help the way I feel, but because I adore him and appreciate how he deals with my illness, we will be together for another 25 years.

Grow up.

Posted by: jhershelredpuppy1 | January 26, 2009 11:05 AM | Report abuse

Bijou might want to watch out at the next family gathering. I think big sis McKenzie can take her.

Posted by: jes11 | January 26, 2009 11:13 AM | Report abuse

Hidey-ho!

Would it be too much to hope for that the new administration would declare $cientology a Ponzi scheme rather than a religion?

VTY,

Curmudgeon

PS: Welcome home, Elias_Howe

Posted by: bmschumacher | January 26, 2009 11:18 AM | Report abuse

Dorkus, I only have the same advice any reasonably competent attorney would have for Sir Paul -- get a darn prenup this time.

Having second thoughts, Gisele? Worried he won't be the football stud next year? Maybe that knee injury is worse than thought. Too bad, you can't deny an engagement that was confirmed in Sports Illustrated. All you can say is the engagement is off.

Scene at the SAG Awards:
Press person: So, Ireland, I see you and your dad made up over that little incident.
Ireland: errr, ummm.
Alec: No, the little pig only agreed to come up if I bought her a car. Just like her mother, spoiled and selfish.

Posted by: epjd | January 26, 2009 11:19 AM | Report abuse

As I'm sure Bijou would be the first to tell us, recreational pharmacology is much more fun than bucking up and getting over it. How old was she when she first went to rehab? 14? Give me an effing break.

Posted by: northgs | January 26, 2009 11:20 AM | Report abuse

jhershelredpuppy1
We Lizards are with you! Please, if you haven't already done so, talk a doctor you feel comfortable with. They can help you. I personally think it takes more strength and character to ask for help than ignoring the problem as the Scientology nuts would have you do. Sounds like you already know that. Also laughter is definitely the best medicine and you are certainly in the right place. We're here for you.

Posted by: hodie | January 26, 2009 11:22 AM | Report abuse

See, we are the celebrity blog of love and support.

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | January 26, 2009 11:39 AM | Report abuse

Outstanding Word of the Day: "cruisiness"

If I wore a hat, it would be off to you, Nosy_Parker.

Posted by: jaybbub | January 26, 2009 11:51 AM | Report abuse

Dear Paul McCartney,

You are an idiot.

Fondly,
Everyone

Posted by: jaybbub | January 26, 2009 11:51 AM | Report abuse

Dear Bijou Phillips,

You too are an idiot.

And, uh, who are you exactly?

Not so fondly,
Everyone

Posted by: jaybbub | January 26, 2009 11:53 AM | Report abuse

Dr. hodie, is there a pill for eructations?

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | January 26, 2009 9:57 AM

Yes, It is called Beano!

Posted by: hodie | January 26, 2009 10:33 AM

I stopped taking Beano after I had an eructation that lasted for four hours.

Posted by: rashibama | January 26, 2009 11:53 AM | Report abuse

rashibama, brilliant!


jaybbub, I didn't invent "Cruisiness," although I wish I had. Maybe it's time for Curmudgeon to published an updated edition here.

Which reminds me of another phrase I wish I'd coined, which I encountered recently on another Post blog re a certain Fox News host: "Owe, the Hannity!"

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | January 26, 2009 12:04 PM | Report abuse

Updated edition of the Lizards' dictionary, that is.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | January 26, 2009 12:07 PM | Report abuse

rashi, I'm so glad I wasn't drinking water when I read your comment. It was bad enough when my coworkers looked in on me after hearing me bust out laughing.

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | January 26, 2009 12:07 PM | Report abuse

Maybe it's time for Curmudgeon to publish an updated edition of the Lizards' dictionary here.

Ack, clearly need midday nourishment re raise blood sugar level a bit.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | January 26, 2009 12:15 PM | Report abuse

Of course, Heath Ledger couldn't be there to receive his award, so Mary-Kate Olsen sent her personal assistant to accept it.


Cruise? Flatulence? Surely Scientologists don't fart!


"Gisele Bundchen denies rumors of engagement to Tom Brady." Man, that's some slow reaction time on that girl.


"Just buck up and get over it. Stop being such a f---king pansy." Oddly enough, that's also what Tom said to Katie when she asked, "Aw, geez, who died in here?"

Posted by: byoolin1 | January 26, 2009 12:31 PM | Report abuse

"Just buck up and get over it. Stop being such a f---king pansy."

I figured that was what Katie would more likely say to Tom, albeit with a different meaning.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | January 26, 2009 12:57 PM | Report abuse

All,

I submitted the Lizard Universe Glossary of Terms for posting. A message appeared saying the owner of the blog is reviewing its contents.

Stand by . . .

Yours in snark,

Curmudgeon

Posted by: bmschumacher | January 26, 2009 1:10 PM | Report abuse

Mudge
the owner of the blog is reviewing its contents

Hmmm, you don't suppose there's anything objectionable in our dictionary, now do you?

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | January 26, 2009 1:19 PM | Report abuse

Excellent snark today Lizards.

Someone please tell me how, in a room including Kate Winslet, Meryl Streep, Susan Sarandon, Sally Field, Shirley MacLaine hell, even Angelina and Penelope, does the honor of awarding best actor fall to Katie Holmes? She's a BLIP. She barely has a career. I was appalled. I mean, Ralph Feinnes presented best actress--at least his a notable and celebrated film actor with three acclaimed films in the last year? (In Bruges, The Duchess, The Reader).

Ireland Baldwin is only THIRTEEN? Sheesh. She's nearly six feet tall.

Posted by: sorcerers_cat | January 26, 2009 1:32 PM | Report abuse

Giselle also denied the People report that they plan to wed in Costa Rica.

"This talk of Costa Rica must be for the fact I have a house there," she said. "I don't know yet if it's going to be here or in another country, but what I know is that it's going to be something small, a simple ceremony. I don't like parties, I prefer something more intimate, just for the closest people."

Okay, so you may not be officially engaged, but when you talk about your upcoming wedding in this way, it's no wonder everyone keeps assuming it.

Posted by: sorcerers_cat | January 26, 2009 1:39 PM | Report abuse

sorcerers_cat
how...does the honor of awarding best actor fall to Katie Holmes?

I fear an answer can be found on the left-hand column of this very page, where under "Archives By Category" Queen Liz lists as topics Britney Spears and TomKat, though none of the other impressive and more deserving actresses you cited.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | January 26, 2009 1:45 PM | Report abuse

Beano is not for everyone. Beano cannot eliminate eructation caused by Scientology and closeted homophonia. Side effects of Beano include nausea, sweating, dizziness, bloating, and all those other "side effects" that are listed in the literature for every pharmaceutical on the market. If you get an eructation episode lasting more than 4 hours, make sure that you have three extra packs of matches and a full can of Febreeze on hand. Seek immediate medical attention if your sphincter feels like Larry Craig is getting personal with you.

Now you can eat the foods you want without worry about embarrassing intestinal gas. Beano. It's what's for dinner.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | January 26, 2009 2:04 PM | Report abuse

Someone please tell me how, in a room including Kate Winslet, Meryl Streep, Susan Sarandon, Sally Field, Shirley MacLaine hell, even Angelina and Penelope, does the honor of awarding best actor fall to Katie Holmes?

Posted by: sorcerers_cat | January 26, 2009 1:32 PM

She was the only one who wasn't up for an award??? Just my guess.

Posted by: eet7e | January 26, 2009 2:06 PM | Report abuse

Sas
closeted homophonia

Is that someone making puns in private?

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | January 26, 2009 2:12 PM | Report abuse

I knew it - Paul McCartney isn't as blameless as he plays in the whole Heather Mills drama. He craves drama in his life. He craves women who are demanding and controling - Linda sure was. Ever read an interview she gave in years past?

Linda turned out to be intense and dramatic about issues other than herself (animal rights, etc.) but she was still intense and controlling. Heather was intense and dramatic about herself - more like Oprah.

Paul's out for more drama. Why else would he even consider marrying again after the Heather debacle? And where's their little girl? Out flying economy class somewhere, huh?

Posted by: Amelia5 | January 26, 2009 2:13 PM | Report abuse


Sas
closeted homophonia

Is that someone making puns in private?

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | January 26, 2009 2:12 PM

--------------------------------------------
Yes. Or it could be someone making bad puns about Tom's Cruisiness.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | January 26, 2009 2:15 PM | Report abuse

ANNOUNCER: It's 7th Inning Stretch Time at the McCartney Mating Game. Let's all serenade Sir Paul by standing up and singing "It's One
Two
Three strikes
You're out
At the old ball game."

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | January 26, 2009 2:19 PM | Report abuse

Bijou Phillips thinks that the solution to all her life's issues lies between Danny Masterson's legs....
..or so Danny tells her.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | January 26, 2009 2:21 PM | Report abuse

Bijou Phillips thinks that the solution to all her life's issues lies between Danny Masterson's legs....
..or so Danny tells her.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | January 26, 2009 2:21 PM

*******************************************

Well maybe they could start a trend where scientologists start to only date each other and not steal normal people for their cult.

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | January 26, 2009 2:29 PM | Report abuse

Too bad, you can't deny an engagement that was confirmed in Sports Illustrated. All you can say is the engagement is off.

Posted by: epjd | January 26, 2009 11:19 AM
=====
Confirmed in Sports Illustrated? Perhaps Giselle heard about the SI curse!

Posted by: mdreader01 | January 26, 2009 2:46 PM | Report abuse

And a very good day to you also, Curmudgeon.

Is someone leaving, Dorkus or some one? I feel I have missed some news somewhere.

Posted by: elias_howe | January 26, 2009 2:46 PM | Report abuse

Yeah, elias, I'm leaving in a few weeks to do four months of training for the National Guard, but we don't like to bring it up because it upsets ep.

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | January 26, 2009 2:58 PM | Report abuse

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: epjd | January 26, 2009 3:19 PM | Report abuse

******
"Just buck up and get over it. Stop being such a f---king pansy."

I figured that was what Katie would more likely say to Tom, albeit with a different meaning.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | January 26, 2009 12:57 PM
*******

Thanks, Nosy, I've got iced tea dribbling down my screen now!! Too funny!!

I, too, was shocked to see Katie Holmes out there presenting an award, especially one of the Big Three. I was even more shocked when she opened her mouth: good grief, she sounds like she's about 12 years old. Which casts an even weirder and more disgusting light on that shammarriage TomKat has going on. Ewww.

-The Poster Formerly Known As Snarky Squirrel

Posted by: 7900rmc | January 26, 2009 3:22 PM | Report abuse

I would tell ep to "Just buck up and get over it. Stop being such a f---king pansy" but I am a nice guy! So I won't.

Posted by: elias_howe | January 26, 2009 3:36 PM | Report abuse

Yeah, elias, I'm leaving in a few weeks to do four months of training for the National Guard, but we don't like to bring it up because it upsets ep.

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | January 26, 2009 2:58 PM

Hey, and I sincerely thank-you, Dorcus. We all feel safer knowing you are there to protect us. Afterall, what are chiefs for?

Are you going to appoint someone else as Lizard Island Chief or will you put it up for the highest bidder?

Posted by: hodie | January 26, 2009 3:51 PM | Report abuse

Sorry, folks, but I've been lost in a drug-induced haze after having to take a muscle relaxer for a bad back. About those awards last night......were they given out for actors and actresses whose boobs SAG?

Posted by: angelos_peter | January 26, 2009 3:56 PM | Report abuse

I humbly suggest, the new Lizard Island Motto:

"Just buck up and get over it. Stop being such a f---king pansy."

We can have it embroidered on the Island pennant (sort of like "Live Free or Die" but not).

As ever,

Curmudgeon

Posted by: bmschumacher | January 26, 2009 3:57 PM | Report abuse

Mudge, that motto would give us the opportunity to have custom tee shirts that read :F@#$ing Pansy.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | January 26, 2009 3:59 PM | Report abuse

Dorkus,

What exactly is it they are going to train you to do?

Whatevery you learn, I'm sure the technology will be transferable to Lizard Island infrastructure.

Carry on, Soldier,

Curmudgeon

Posted by: bmschumacher | January 26, 2009 4:01 PM | Report abuse

I thought it was "Live Free and Have a Cocktail"?

Posted by: elias_howe | January 26, 2009 4:03 PM | Report abuse

hodie
Are you going to appoint someone else as Lizard Island Chief or will you put it up for the highest bidder?

Well, we know what Blago would do...

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | January 26, 2009 4:03 PM | Report abuse

Sas,

YES!

Then people reading the shirt wouldn't know if "f__king" were used as a gerund, an adjective, or a verb.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Yours on the same page,

Curmudgeon

Posted by: bmschumacher | January 26, 2009 4:06 PM | Report abuse

sidenote to Dorkus,

Just remember the wisdom (motto) printed on Claymore mines.

"FRONT"
"Towards Enemy"

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/c1/US_M18a1_claymore_mine.jpg

Posted by: elias_howe | January 26, 2009 4:06 PM | Report abuse

Actually, it's kind of nice to see Bijou Phillips (who?) trashing psychiatric medicine. She doesn't talk about having studied the secret history of psychology; she doesn't tell us we're "glib"; she doesn't claim to be able to treat mental illnesses with a pair of tin cans hooked to a battery. She just unloads her personal opinion on us like so much ripened manure. Thanks, Bijou! In your own way, you're engendering more sympathy for the cause of mental illness than any charity ball could. It's a real pity your career won't last long enough for you to see it.

Posted by: Bawlmer51 | January 26, 2009 4:08 PM | Report abuse

F@#$ing Pansy

Is that anything like Pushing Daisies?

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | January 26, 2009 4:10 PM | Report abuse

I am open to bribes, luckily the ethics laws on Lizard Island are lax.

I am going initially for Basic training, but then I am going to train in Aviation Operations, basically flight path planning, logistics, air traffic control. Which is to say that it is more or less a brief stop on my way towards possibly getting into the UH-60 (Blackhawk) pilot program. So hopefully in a few years I'll be a helicopter pilot.

Who wants an island helicopter tour?

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | January 26, 2009 4:10 PM | Report abuse

Dorkus
Who wants an island helicopter tour?

Well, once you return, it sounds like you might want to run the island helicopter tour franchise, as well as rendition of the condemned to the Manhattan Project.


Can someone get the Lizards a wholesale deal on yellow ribbon, in honor of young Dorkus' impending departure?

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | January 26, 2009 4:14 PM | Report abuse

A helicopter pilot, awesome! And if the Manhatten Project doesn't work out, you can just drop the unwanted celebutards into the island volcano to appease the Gods.

Don't sweat basic training. If I can do it, so can you! (I am former Air Force).

Ok, who will start the bidding for interim Lizard Island Chief?

Posted by: hodie | January 26, 2009 4:18 PM | Report abuse

Who wants an island helicopter tour?

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | January 26, 2009 4:10 PM

--------------------------------------------
5 passengers set off that day
for a 3-hour tour
a 3-hour tour

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | January 26, 2009 4:22 PM | Report abuse

Ok, who will start the bidding for interim Lizard Island Chief?

Posted by: hodie | January 26, 2009 4:18 PM

-------------------------------------------
Ummm, hodie, don't you have a boatload of lightly used Administrator hours available?

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | January 26, 2009 4:23 PM | Report abuse

Maybe PFiddy's Station Break Dancers could stop by Dorkus's farewell fête to serenade him with a chorus or five of the Shirelles' "Soldier Boy."

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | January 26, 2009 4:33 PM | Report abuse

Dammit Sasquatch, I'm a doctor, not a snarky Island Chief!

(Hodie doing her best to channel Dr. James McCoy)

Posted by: hodie | January 26, 2009 4:36 PM | Report abuse

Hello all and Happy New Year! It's been awhile since I've left a comment but I just wanted to wish Dorkus the best at training and to also say THANK YOU! You'll definitely be missed.

I got really pissed when I read Ms. Bijou's so-called advice but everyone's comments have simmered me down and now I'm LMAO. Thanks bunches!

FKA SlackingAgain who brought you the word "krazar"

Posted by: linda1413 | January 26, 2009 4:39 PM | Report abuse

Hey Dorkus,

I know some airplane pilots who swear that helicopters can't really fly - they are just so ugly that the Earth repels them...

You be careful out there, you hear?

Formerly known as
sunnydaze

Posted by: VaLGaL | January 26, 2009 4:40 PM | Report abuse

Hi, SlackingAgain and sunnydaze! Great to hear from you, for an influx of fresh snark.

Isn't there a claim that helicopters are like bumblebees, in that supposedly according to principles of engineering neither should be able to fly? Or am I confusing that with some other story?

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | January 26, 2009 4:45 PM | Report abuse

This pesky work thing has been keeping me away...oh, no! Here it comes again!

Posted by: VaLGaL | January 26, 2009 4:54 PM | Report abuse

If Dorkus becomes a helicopter pilot I sure hope he takes Katie up for a ride...she needs airing out.

Posted by: possum_pouch | January 26, 2009 4:58 PM | Report abuse

Maybe Wee Tom's methane expulsions could be converted to fuel.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | January 26, 2009 5:04 PM | Report abuse

Man you guys are awesome. Dr. hodie, can you prescribe me anything to help with the withdrawal symptoms I'm going to experience when I can't get my daily dose of snark?

You know, they kept trying to tell me in college that helicopters are able to fly, but no one was ever that convincing and we never stayed on that subject very long.

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | January 26, 2009 5:07 PM | Report abuse

Dorkus, I'll call something into the Lizard Island Pharmacy for you. How long do you have before you have to go? And FYI, drill sargents typically don't have a sense of humor so lay off the snark with them unless you enjoy scrubbing floors with toothbrushes. Oh and don't lock your knees when standing at attention.

Posted by: hodie | January 26, 2009 5:16 PM | Report abuse

hodie, I ship out on the 17th. Friday is my last day of work. The Guard has what's called the recruit sustainment program (RSP) where we go and drill with the recruiters until we ship out so I've been doing that the last 8 months. My Master Sergeant is a former DS so he gives us good advice. But i am definitely going to have to watch my snark while in Basic.

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | January 26, 2009 5:22 PM | Report abuse

Hello Nosey! LOL @the methane expulsion conversion...I think I'll put that up there w/the 4hour eructation in total hilarity!

FKA SlackingAgain

Posted by: linda1413 | January 26, 2009 5:25 PM | Report abuse

SlackingAgain, hasn't there been research into converting methane emissions from huge livestock installations into fuel?

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | January 26, 2009 5:28 PM | Report abuse

I vaguely remember hearing something like that. Hmmmm...as a Scientologist...shouldn't Tom investigate more closely??? ;)

Posted by: linda1413 | January 26, 2009 5:30 PM | Report abuse

Dorkus
we go and drill with the recruiters until we ship out

You mean you all just march up and down a parade ground every day for hours on end? Owe, the monotony!

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | January 26, 2009 5:32 PM | Report abuse

SlackingAgain, I think it depends on whether Wee Tom's eructations are proportionate to his height.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | January 26, 2009 5:35 PM | Report abuse

It's not all bad Nosy, this past weekend we were out in the middle of a field in 40° weather with 20 mph wind learning hand to hand combat. And sometimes we do a land navigation course.

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | January 26, 2009 5:39 PM | Report abuse

Ahhhhh...it could be possible...it's not like he's average height...I can't believe I went there!

Posted by: linda1413 | January 26, 2009 5:47 PM | Report abuse

Dorkus, 40°F sounds pretty darn good to some of us this time of year!

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | January 26, 2009 5:59 PM | Report abuse

Maybe we should just offer the Chieftanship to Oprah and forget about it until Dorkus comes marching home again (hurrah, hurrah).

Blago seemed to think it might be a good idea . . .

VTY,

Curmudgeon

Posted by: bmschumacher | January 26, 2009 6:00 PM | Report abuse

Man, I hate that I missed the afternoon round. Good stuff. Anybody still there? Do we have a Lizard-in-chief?

Posted by: rashibama | January 26, 2009 6:21 PM | Report abuse

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