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Posted at 11:42 AM ET, 02/10/2009

Diane Keaton: Future Nobel Laureate?

By Liz Kelly

Dear Nobel Literature Prize committee:

I am writing you today to inform you of Diane Keaton's forthcoming book. Although I may find her personally detestable and comically affected, I am sure you will want to review her book for potential inclusion among your 2010 nominees.

If you are not familiar with Ms. Keaton (I've included a snapshot at right) and her oeuvre, allow me to provide a brief summary:

In the '70s, after a forgettable performance in "The Godfather," she wore baggy clothes and played her neurotic self in movies made by a man who eventually married his adopted daughter. From the '80s onward, she starred in a series of dippy chick flicks -- each one more vapid than the last. The most recent was "Because I Said So," in which she played Mandy Moore's mom. I wouldn't watch it, though. Not relevant.

She did make a brief detour in 1983's "Mrs. Soffel" in which she played a repressed Victorian era prison warden's wife who scandalously rubbed herself up against Mel Gibson. It was kind of upsetting, so maybe don't watch that one, either.

I'm not even going to bring up "Mad Money" because I just don't see how her part in a movie co-starring a young woman who has been brainwashed by a sci-fi inspired cult really comes in to the whole nomination process.

But, listen, in 2007 you lauded that hack Doris Lessing as an "epicist of the female experience." Just tell me what she's got that Diane hasn't? It doesn't get more epic than "Father of the Bride" AND "Father of the Bride II."

According to William Morris agent Bill Clegg, who for his next coup will sell boxes of air, Diane's book, "could be an enduring book about mothers and daughters and the choices that women of her generation and her mother’s could make and did."

Could be. Or it could be a stream-of-consciousness paean to her fashion icon, Buster Keaton (no relation).

Thank you for your consideration.

Liz

(Photo: Reuters)

By Liz Kelly  | February 10, 2009; 11:42 AM ET
Categories:  Books, Celebrities  
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Comments

Liz Kelly, just because they share a surname is no reason - no reason at all! - to go dragging Buster into this.

Michael Keaton, *maybe*. Buster, no.

- heartbrokenly yours,
byoolin

Posted by: byoolin1 | February 10, 2009 12:11 PM | Report abuse

So much snark in one little post. No wonder you are our Queen.

Posted by: epjd | February 10, 2009 12:31 PM | Report abuse

What about "Reds"?

Posted by: jezebel3 | February 10, 2009 12:34 PM | Report abuse

Is Bill Clegg HER book agent? Cause he doesn't sound very impressed with what she's writing:

Diane's book, "could be an enduring book about mothers and daughters and the choices that women of her generation and her mother’s could make and did."

Or it could be drivel. But he doesn't tell us what it "will be" or why we should buy it b/c, honestly, the only woman whose choices I'm less interested in than Diane's would be her mother's.

I think the seller of Britney's mom's book was more impressive.

Posted by: Amelia5 | February 10, 2009 12:36 PM | Report abuse

Liz, you out did yourself on this one. How on earth did you find the most unflattering Diane Keaton photo of all? She has obviously been lax on her Loreal hair color promotion. And get that girl some whitestrips.


Posted by: hodie | February 10, 2009 12:42 PM | Report abuse

Now I suddenly get what they mean by "long in the tooth."

Posted by: memphis1 | February 10, 2009 12:49 PM | Report abuse

Amen, Liz. Amen.

Posted by: undercover_hon | February 10, 2009 12:55 PM | Report abuse

Yay Liz! By the way is that a picture of Diane Keaton or Emperor Palpatine?

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | February 10, 2009 1:01 PM | Report abuse

It's the Octopussy mother in 6 months!

Posted by: jezebel3 | February 10, 2009 1:04 PM | Report abuse

Liz, I am all for your Diane Keaton antipathy (see Gwynnie), but it's probably not fair to blame her for Woodie marrying his stepdaughter. Apparently that sort of behavior is required by graduates of the Roman Polanski film school.

Come home, Roman, San Quentin misses you.

Posted by: reddragon1 | February 10, 2009 1:24 PM | Report abuse

Americans are reading even less than previous low standards. Publishing houses are dropping like flies. Diane Keaton autobiography in the works.

Coincidence?

Posted by: 44west | February 10, 2009 1:26 PM | Report abuse

I wouldn't say her work in "The Godfather" was forgettable. In all three movies she ... um ... well ... yeah, maybe forgettable is a good word.

(Kinda makes me wish Sofia Coppola wasn't the one who jumped in front of Al Pacino at the end of "The Godfather, Part III.")

You omitted Diane's stellar work in such classics as "The Other Sister" (speaking of fashionplate Juliette Lewis) and "Baby Boom."

Can we name her book, canwehuhcanwe?

* Mrs. Awful
* Looking for Mr. Stanislavski
* Crimes of the Page

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | February 10, 2009 1:31 PM | Report abuse

Wow, Liz Kelly, who knew you were such a Diane Keaton fan. You forgot to mention the gloves she normally wears.

I have to agree with Amelia. Poor Bill was forced to read that book and his comment is the only way he let his anger be known.

Posted by: petalceleb | February 10, 2009 1:39 PM | Report abuse

Liz, have you finished beating Diane Keating with that Ugly Stick? I need to borrow it. I have a closed door meeting with Chris Brown.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | February 10, 2009 1:40 PM | Report abuse

I'd like to throw my support behind a redux of the "Stars We Love to Hate" bit. Also, excellent smackdown.

Posted by: Bawlmer51 | February 10, 2009 2:03 PM | Report abuse

Can we name her book, canwehuhcanwe?

* Mrs. Awful
* Looking for Mr. Stanislavski
* Crimes of the Page

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | February 10, 2009 1:31 PM


Lovers and Other Stranglers

Posted by: jezebel3 | February 10, 2009 2:06 PM | Report abuse

"could be an enduring book about mothers and daughters and the choices that women of her generation and her mother’s could make and did."

That book has been written already. It's called "The Joy-Luck Club."

Posted by: mdreader01 | February 10, 2009 2:22 PM | Report abuse

"could be an enduring book about mothers and daughters and the choices that women of her generation and her mother’s could make and did."

The Octopussy Mom's book!

Posted by: jezebel3 | February 10, 2009 3:34 PM | Report abuse

Liz, you are truly brilliant, not only do you manage to skewer more than Diane Keaton with this post, but your timely references really made it.

The remastered Godfather series will be shown from Feb. 27-March 1 at a theater in Hollywood. This can only boost Ms. Keaton's Nobel Prize chances. (and the person who brings an end to the infighting in SAG gets the Peace Prize this year).

Posted by: epjd | February 10, 2009 4:48 PM | Report abuse

Touche!

Posted by: pras40 | February 10, 2009 6:00 PM | Report abuse

Hey,
I'm no Keaton fan, but in her defense, the director did a horrible job in writing roles for women. Name me one female role in the Godfather trilogy that stood out or had more than, like 10 sentences. In the first Godfather, Al Italian wife is barely there. The mother barely exists, the sister is hysterical, etc. So, just remember all of the so-called great directors of the 70s clearly were not interested in women.

Posted by: jinez1 | February 11, 2009 2:52 PM | Report abuse

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