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Posted at 10:42 AM ET, 02/ 4/2009

Wednesday List: A Rap Name for Joaquin Phoenix

By Liz Kelly

Joaquin Phoenix. (AP)

Joaquin Phoenix says his budding rap career (captured on tape) is no hoax. Okay, good. Glad that's settled. Now we can all move on to the uneasy anticipation of his first release and the inevitable comparisons to Kevin Federline and scores ill-advised actors turned musicians (Eddie Murphy, Don Johnson, Scarlett Johansson).

Phoenix may know a lot about acting, but he's already made a huge blunder when it comes to the music industry and we may be the only thing separating him from a botched entree onto the hip-hop charts. He hasn't yet re-dubbed himself with a catchy handle. Think Federline's snappy "K-Fed" or Sean Combs's "Puff Daddy" (or "P. Diddy." Or just "Diddy.")

Today we'll rectify that by brainstorming an MC name for Phoenix. And it's a good thing; considering his image management lately (see photo above), he can use all the help we can give.

A few suggestions to get you started:

Make It Short: All the best rappers have quick two or three syllable names (Snoop Dogg, Lil' Wayne, Mike Jones) and the word "ice" seems to be a surefire winner (Ice Cube, Ice-T). Doubt my reasoning? When was the last time you heard anything from Pacemaster Mace or Del Tha Funky Homosapien?

Avoid Maker-Uppers: Although Puff Daddy seems to have blundered his way into becoming a brand name, include at leaast one recognizable word that evokes the image you're trying to get across. Take inspiration from rappers like Doug E. Fresh (he's fresh). Slick Rick (he's slick) and Coolio (you get it, right?).

No Weird Syntax: While I'm sure Will.I.Am. patted himself firmly on the back for coming up with his clever moniker, his label's marketing department in all likelihood silently cursed the guy for coming up with a name so hard to get right in Google and iTunes searches.

Do all this and maybe one day Joaquin (or should we call him "Papa Beard?" "MC No Joke?") will be the subject of his own biopic.

Updated 6:16 p.m. ET...
Thanks for all the pants-wettingly funny submissions. The top 10 submissions:

1. DJ Dirty Beard
2. MC Kaczynski
3. Sasquatch
4. Mighty McSkeevy
5. Phoenix
6. MC Poseur
7. Tal I Ban
8. Lil' 2 Crazy
9. Fozzie B
10. The Artist Formerly Known as Sane.

---

A little inspiration: Hip-Hop artists and their real names.

By Liz Kelly  | February 4, 2009; 10:42 AM ET
Categories:  Celebrities, Friday Lists  
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Comments

J'Pee would violate most if not all your rules. Plus, it's border line scatological.

Posted by: advocate2 | February 4, 2009 11:13 AM | Report abuse

Sir Hirsute-a-lot?

Posted by: polyester | February 4, 2009 11:16 AM | Report abuse

He could reference his childhood stage name while simultaneously explaining his behavior by using Puff Leaf.

Posted by: otherliz | February 4, 2009 11:23 AM | Report abuse

How about just plain "Harry" or "Hairy"

whatever.

(Big Foot Bob?)

Posted by: elias_howe | February 4, 2009 11:24 AM | Report abuse

Joaquin Phoenix looks like Mr. Grizzly...Where is his face?

Posted by: earlysun | February 4, 2009 11:28 AM | Report abuse

Please. Just call him by his prior first name, "Leaf." Or throw in his birth last name and call him "Leaf Bottom" (or "Leaf B" -- as in leave him be?).

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | February 4, 2009 11:30 AM | Report abuse

Judging by that scary pic, I'd dub him
MC Kaczynski.

Posted by: plamar1031 | February 4, 2009 11:40 AM | Report abuse

MC Scary

Posted by: hodie | February 4, 2009 11:48 AM | Report abuse

Phony Jo

Posted by: SugarMagnolia22 | February 4, 2009 11:50 AM | Report abuse

Quit Actin'

Posted by: mannc | February 4, 2009 11:50 AM | Report abuse

Walking

Posted by: mannc | February 4, 2009 11:51 AM | Report abuse

MC Blo' Leef

Posted by: northgs | February 4, 2009 11:51 AM | Report abuse

Phoenix. Like the famed bird Joaquin shall rise from the dying embers of his first try to soar to the heights of Vanilla Ice, K-Fed and any band DiddyPoop produces. The albums drops with a thud heard round the world on...........ummm.

Posted by: petalceleb | February 4, 2009 11:51 AM | Report abuse

I swear that's a fake beard and Groucho Marx nose/glasses...

Posted by: northgs | February 4, 2009 11:52 AM | Report abuse

Mighty McSkeevy

Posted by: mwerts | February 4, 2009 11:53 AM | Report abuse

DJ DB

(dirty beard)

Posted by: megtheegg | February 4, 2009 11:55 AM | Report abuse

Jay-No
Psych-O
Kra-Zee
Lil' Hope
Hip-Flop
2Stoned
Kid Cash
Run AWAY

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | February 4, 2009 11:56 AM | Report abuse

J.P. Firebird. (doubt rap will raise this career from the ashes)
J.P. Crazar
The artist formerly known as sane.

Posted by: hodie | February 4, 2009 11:58 AM | Report abuse

I was thinking along the same lines as petal. Either MC Phoenix or just plain Phoenix.

DJ Cash or the like would probably be appropriate as he will be forever remembered as portraying the Man in Black.

Judging on that picture, I'd probably have to go with MC Homeless-Guy-Selling-the-Washington-Times-on-14th-Street.

Posted by: eet7e | February 4, 2009 11:58 AM | Report abuse

Wack-Joaquin.

Posted by: byoolin1 | February 4, 2009 11:59 AM | Report abuse

MC Poseur?

Posted by: CentrevilleMom | February 4, 2009 11:59 AM | Report abuse

J-Bird

an obvious play on Pheonix, tinged with old-school, teenage naughtiness with a whiff of trying too hard. Or not hard enough.

Posted by: sassyfrassy | February 4, 2009 12:02 PM | Report abuse

Pheon-X and Team Quin*

*a la Snoop Dog's Dog Pound

Posted by: Osteph | February 4, 2009 12:11 PM | Report abuse

Why rap???? He looks like he is auditioning for a new spot in ZZ Top.

Posted by: hodie | February 4, 2009 12:19 PM | Report abuse

Sky Harbor

Posted by: quintiliusvarus | February 4, 2009 12:19 PM | Report abuse

That's Joaquin Phoenix, who used to be so hot? Dude looks like he's been out in the wilderness for a couple decades. Maybe his rap name should be Sasquatch (if our esteemed blogger doesn't mind).

Posted by: Californian11 | February 4, 2009 12:20 PM | Report abuse

MC Bro-Oh-Deed

And Quin? I see what you did there.

Posted by: karmadrome | February 4, 2009 12:25 PM | Report abuse

hahahah you're a bad person

Posted by: quintiliusvarus | February 4, 2009 12:27 PM | Report abuse

Master P-NOcchiYO
MC Pantz on Fire
Hollyweird Beard
HoaxMasterBlaster

Posted by: flippityflop | February 4, 2009 12:28 PM | Report abuse

Hair-lip (pronounced Nelly-style like "her-lip")

Posted by: vjld | February 4, 2009 12:29 PM | Report abuse

1. Phee-line (as a nod to that great rapper Federline)
2. Homeless Joe
3. Daddy Nix
4. Maximum P
5. Baby Got Beard

Posted by: doobrah | February 4, 2009 12:34 PM | Report abuse

Simple is better. I'd stick with MC White Boy (pronounced Boy-yeeeee)

Posted by: fft5305 | February 4, 2009 12:35 PM | Report abuse

Puff Daily

Hairy-o

Tal I Ban

Posted by: mdreader01 | February 4, 2009 12:37 PM | Report abuse

MC UnaBomb

Posted by: ChaoticCracker | February 4, 2009 12:42 PM | Report abuse

Hodie, I agree on the beard. So, I give you:

ZZ P (hey, it's easy to spell)
ZZ Ice

Posted by: epjd | February 4, 2009 12:42 PM | Report abuse

Commodus.
Isn't it ironic that the name of his character in Gladiator is also the Latin word from which the term commode is derived. As in "Joaquin's career is down the commode".

Posted by: hodie | February 4, 2009 12:43 PM | Report abuse

To carry on the hairy theme:

JP Melenudo

Nix

L'ice

Posted by: mdreader01 | February 4, 2009 12:46 PM | Report abuse

Snuff
(which could either be a play on his looking like Snuffy Smith or that his performance makes everybody scream S'nuff!)

Beardo Weirdo

At the risk of offending a certain cryptid:
S.Quatch

Dude Redux

Posted by: memphis1 | February 4, 2009 12:56 PM | Report abuse

Joaq Tha Fuq


As in "What the F???"

Posted by: asbloom | February 4, 2009 12:57 PM | Report abuse

U-Na-Bomma

Posted by: moosemom | February 4, 2009 1:00 PM | Report abuse

Very simple: Bye Good

Posted by: atb2 | February 4, 2009 1:00 PM | Report abuse

petalceleb: I like Phoenix.

hodie: I'm loving the use of crazar (or krazar, whichever floats your boat).

I submit J-King...inspired by Joaquin...get it?

I don't like that beard.

SlackingAgain

Posted by: linda1413 | February 4, 2009 1:08 PM | Report abuse

Dog-P

Posted by: cjbriggs | February 4, 2009 1:20 PM | Report abuse

Thanks, Linda. I've never been good at spelling. Glad the Spelling and Grammar cop has retired.

I like Pheon-X, ZZ Ice, Daddy Nix (or may I suggest Nix Daddy) and L'Ice. All of these fit Liz's requirements and/or describe him well.

Posted by: hodie | February 4, 2009 1:23 PM | Report abuse

epjd, I like ZZ ice in reverse - Ice-zzz. Cause I think it'll be a cold, boring day before I listen to his C rap.

Posted by: kbockl | February 4, 2009 1:32 PM | Report abuse

How about...Jaq AZ?

Jaq for Joaquin
AZ as in Arizona (Phoenix)

But make sure you pronounce it properly...

Posted by: BMore_Cat_Lover1 | February 4, 2009 1:32 PM | Report abuse

How about: Johnny Crash

Posted by: johnny8 | February 4, 2009 1:36 PM | Report abuse

2 Cent
DJ Wannabe
Lil' 2 Crazy
Lice T (brewed directly from his beard)
MC Hairy
Sir Stinksalot

Posted by: kvs09 | February 4, 2009 1:37 PM | Report abuse

JoPho

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | February 4, 2009 1:45 PM | Report abuse

"White Joaquin", thus further seperating him from one of his most famous roles as "The Man in Black".

Posted by: cee_jay3 | February 4, 2009 1:51 PM | Report abuse

I'd like inform you that Scarlett Johansson "actress"actually is a clone from original person,who has nothing with acting career.Clone was created illegally using stolen biomaterial.Original Scarlett Galabekian last name is nice, CHRISTIAN young lady.Original family didn't authorize any activity with stolen biomaterials,no matter what form it was created in,it's all need to be back to original family control in Cedars-Sinai MedicalCenter in LA.Controlling clones is US military operation.Original Scarlett never was engaged,by the way

Posted by: galabs2000 | February 4, 2009 1:59 PM | Report abuse

Memphis1,

He does resemble a famous bowler, doesn't he?

how about:

Wis-kers and just call him Wiz for short!

Posted by: elias_howe | February 4, 2009 2:01 PM | Report abuse

how about "LOOZA"

Posted by: pepicat | February 4, 2009 2:09 PM | Report abuse

i vote for:
MC Poseur
Joaq the Fuq

my submission:
JP the Mad Specialist (tribute to ODB)
Jackass and the Cameraman (duo with Affleck the younger)

Posted by: the_nap | February 4, 2009 2:11 PM | Report abuse

Sasquatch, is that you??


If not, my vote is: "I Watched My Brother Die of an Overdose and It's Messed With My Mind."

Posted by: possum_pouch | February 4, 2009 2:14 PM | Report abuse

I have to use 3 words for his rap name.

Career Ending Mistake or C.E.M. for short.

Posted by: Iowahoosier | February 4, 2009 2:21 PM | Report abuse

Joaq the Line

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | February 4, 2009 2:23 PM | Report abuse

Twitty Milk?

Posted by: MStreet1 | February 4, 2009 2:30 PM | Report abuse

Um, "ice" is no surefire winner: Vanilla Ice anyone?

Posted by: ROEL8021 | February 4, 2009 2:31 PM | Report abuse

LOL Hodie!

I like Pheon-X and L'Ice...LMAO @L'Ice...dang that beard!

SlackingAgain

Posted by: linda1413 | February 4, 2009 2:39 PM | Report abuse

BRAP

pronounced BrrrrrrrrrRapppppp

(meaning bad rap!)

Posted by: elias_howe | February 4, 2009 2:40 PM | Report abuse

Why rap???? He looks like he is auditioning for a new spot in ZZ Top.

Posted by: hodie | February 4, 2009 12:19 PM
-------------------------------------------
Nope. Beard's not long enough.

Possum, that picture is NOT me...not even on a bad fur day.

-------------------------------------------
Hmmmm....a Rap name for Joaquin Phoenix....a lot of good suggestions already. Not sure I can compete. Here goes:

Rip Rap
Bearded Clam
Hash Sheesh
Nix-Nox
BC Bud
Dooooood
So Crates
US Bong
Roach Clip
MR Spliff

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | February 4, 2009 2:45 PM | Report abuse

galabs2000,

I am glad to know the "apparent" truth about ScarJo. But I must apply the old Reagan theorem "Trust but Verify."

I had always heard that ScarJo was possibly a clone of Kim Jong-il's beloved and late feline.

To this end, I will dedicate my lab. I feel this is my duty to the Island, indeed the world as the official inventor of the Lizards. Someone just keep Mrs. Howe away. Sas, where are you?

I MUST obtain the ScarJo of movie fame to so I can do her---errr, I mean perform non-invasive tests to confirm all of our suspicions.

Posted by: elias_howe | February 4, 2009 2:49 PM | Report abuse

Sas
Possum, that picture is NOT me...not even on a bad fur day.

1. Actually, in that photo he looks like he's gone into the Witness Protection Program & donned a disguise in order to testify behind a silhouette screen in court.

2. I'm sure Sas keeps his coat is well-groomed and silky.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | February 4, 2009 2:51 PM | Report abuse

delete "is" from item 2.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | February 4, 2009 2:52 PM | Report abuse

Nosy,

I think you mean Wilderness Protection Program? Don't cha?

Posted by: elias_howe | February 4, 2009 2:55 PM | Report abuse

More like "Witless Protection Program"

Elias, let me get this straight: you want me to protect you from Ms Howe while you conduct an up-close and personal examination of ScarJo in the name of science?

What's in this for me?

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | February 4, 2009 2:59 PM | Report abuse

Brother J would sum him up nicely.

Posted by: hesaid | February 4, 2009 3:00 PM | Report abuse

J-Pho.

Posted by: dstu | February 4, 2009 3:00 PM | Report abuse

Sas,

Yes, I believe you are correct about witless.

As for the other, you will be amply rewarded with the enduring gratitude of the Island and this nation in the name of science. Do I hear an "honorable mention" for you for the 2010 Noble prize for Science? Maybe, just maybe!

I could tell you of a more tangible reward but a gentleman never kisses and tells!

Posted by: elias_howe | February 4, 2009 3:08 PM | Report abuse

"non-invasive" eh, elias? Just make sure you do the proper informed consents. You got any Clooney clones and I'll be glad to assist.

Sas, give him time and he'll fit right in with them ZZ top boys.

Posted by: hodie | February 4, 2009 3:09 PM | Report abuse

Nosy I just saw yours...LOVE IT! It can even be the name of his first album!

Posted by: linda1413 | February 4, 2009 3:09 PM | Report abuse

I could tell you of a more tangible reward but a gentleman never kisses and tells!

Posted by: elias_howe | February 4, 2009 3:08 PM
--------------------------------------------
So you're offering me Sloppy Seconds and I'm supposed to be happy about it?

Shouldn't you consult the would-be ScarJo and ask her opinion of the protocol before proceeding?

One more Rap Name:

Reefer

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | February 4, 2009 3:13 PM | Report abuse

Ok, I just googled our ScarJo crazy guy. He tends to post that message anywhere on the internet that mentions Scarlett Johansson. It's a little creepy.

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | February 4, 2009 3:13 PM | Report abuse

Fozzie B

Posted by: MStreet1 | February 4, 2009 3:14 PM | Report abuse

Ok, I just googled our ScarJo crazy guy. He tends to post that message anywhere on the internet that mentions Scarlett Johansson. It's a little creepy.

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | February 4, 2009 3:13 PM

--------------------------------------------
Dorkus, thanks for the research.

In that vein, I move that Joaquin Phoenix's rap name be Galabs 2000.

All in favor.....

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | February 4, 2009 3:22 PM | Report abuse

A little creepy? He's entering serious tinfoil hat territory.

Posted by: epjd | February 4, 2009 3:23 PM | Report abuse

Aye!

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | February 4, 2009 3:24 PM | Report abuse

Beardntwang
Nestovoles
NestaRasta
Rastabutt
Tokinsmokin
HairE.Balz

Posted by: possum_pouch | February 4, 2009 3:35 PM | Report abuse

JoaqJob, although I like Fozzie B and some of the others.

Posted by: reddragon1 | February 4, 2009 3:41 PM | Report abuse

Witless Protection Program is a good name for a rock band.

Posted by: reddragon1 | February 4, 2009 3:51 PM | Report abuse

Joaq the Toke

Posted by: cjbriggs | February 4, 2009 3:57 PM | Report abuse

Witless Protection Program is a good name for a rock band.

Only if Dave Barry fronts it!

And Sas, like I say, a gentleman.....

Posted by: elias_howe | February 4, 2009 3:59 PM | Report abuse

Faux-next

Posted by: 44west | February 4, 2009 4:33 PM | Report abuse

Phoenix stinkin'

phoenix sinkin'

Posted by: newagent99 | February 4, 2009 5:06 PM | Report abuse

Really, his name used to be Leaf Phoenix?? Those parents were messed up, man: more bong hits than Michael Phelps. . .

Leaf E.
Leaf Peeper
J. Nix
J. Fee

But I have to say, my favourite is Sky Harbor!

-The Poster Formerly Known as Snarky Squirrel

Posted by: 7900rmc | February 4, 2009 5:08 PM | Report abuse

I think Sas and Mrs. Snatch need to take him down to Cryptids 'R' Us and get him a hairy body grooming kit.
Then, I think he should have an album called "Jesus in Shades."

Posted by: possum_pouch | February 4, 2009 5:13 PM | Report abuse

Yung Joaq (so what if Yung Joc gets mad)

Phoe-nom

Posted by: dcgirly | February 4, 2009 5:14 PM | Report abuse

Sasquatch, dear, is that our long-lost son?

Posted by: mssnatchquatch | February 4, 2009 5:47 PM | Report abuse


Sasquatch, dear, is that our long-lost son?

Posted by: mssnatchquatch | February 4, 2009 5:47 PM

---------------------------------------------
According to Possum, it's Jesus in Shades.

That would make us God and Goddess.

Hmmmm...........

Nah!

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | February 4, 2009 6:00 PM | Report abuse

Tobey McGuire returns from a long camping trip.

Posted by: jezebel3 | February 4, 2009 6:34 PM | Report abuse

Sas,
Bearded Clam really does have a nice ring to it.

Posted by: memphis1 | February 5, 2009 10:42 AM | Report abuse

JQ

Posted by: TonyFo | February 5, 2009 11:30 AM | Report abuse

I'm late to the comments, but how about: JoaPhool (pronouced "waffle," with an emphasis on the second syllable)?

Posted by: cmiller4 | February 5, 2009 1:33 PM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

 
 
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