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Posted at 11:12 AM ET, 03/ 4/2009

Celebritology 101: Secrets of Men's Celeb Crushes Revealed (We Hope)

By Liz Kelly

Fantasy fuelers Fox (left) and Fey. (AP)
Celebritology 101

Usually Celebritology 101 involves me copping a know-it-all attitude in the hopes of explaining some heretofore mystifying Hollywood myth. But today I am the student and -- hopefully -- the male portion of Celebritology's readership will school us in the surprisingly complex field of men and fantasy celebrity dates.

See, I'm confused. According to Asylum.com, there's no one men would rather party with more than Angelina-emulating "Transformers" star Megan Fox (maybe that's why she broke things off with B.A.G.). That's to be expected. She's built and gives guy-baiting interviews in which she talks about her bisexuality and wild streak.

But the majority of 83,000 respondents said that if Fox isn't available Tina Fey would be their second choice. That's right, smart, funny, sarcastic dynamo Tina Fey -- "SNL's" first female head writer and "30 Rock" mastermind. A woman who isn't afraid to cop a squat (fast forward to minute 7:35) in front of John Hamm and millions of TV viewers.

So -- what gives? Fey is the only one of her breed on a list rounded out by Paris Hilton, Penelope Cruz, Kim Kardashian and Lindsay Lohan.

I get the Fey attraction -- she's cute (no matter what Maxim says), smart and funny and the object of a million massive girl crushes. But I need some insight into how she the 38-year-old mother and self-confessed nerd fits into a list mainly comprised of 20-something bimbettes who (barring Cruz) rely more on their measurements than their wits to get ahead. We're dealing with some competing priorities here. It would be like women saying that barring Daniel Craig's presence, Jack Black would be a reasonable substitute -- without acknowledging that the vast difference between guests makes for a very different party.

Men, here's your mission: Explain to me -- in 50 words or less -- how one can reconcile a desire to party with both Megan Fox and Tina Fey and I'll highlight the best explanation here at the end of the day.

Update: The winning explanation as explained by karmadrome:

I'm going to go way out on a limb and suggest the obvious: The men who voted for Fey are not the men who voted for Fox. You see results like this in polls all the time. The person who finishes second isn't the second choice of the most people. They're the first choice of people with entirely different (and, in this case, vastly superior) tastes.

I'll buy that.

By Liz Kelly  | March 4, 2009; 11:12 AM ET
Categories:  Celebritology 101  
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Comments

Party with both Tina Fey and Megan Fox? Yes please.

Posted by: quintiliusvarus | March 4, 2009 11:29 AM | Report abuse

I would suggest serial partying, probably with Ms. Fox first, because little conversation would be involved (unless you wanted to compare girls you've dated).
Ms. Fey would be another kind of party altogether, involving conversation. I would suspect that without intellectual stimulation, no other stimulation would take place.

Posted by: reddragon1 | March 4, 2009 11:34 AM | Report abuse

Megan Fox is the girl that guys want. Tina Fey is the woman men think they'd have a shot at, even if they really don't.

It's a version of the "Date, Marry, Kill" game. Different woman fit in different categories of desirability.

I've blogged about my deep lust at different times for Angelina Jolie (http://livebythefoma.blogspot.com/2005/09/hottest-woman-ever.html), Melissa Etheridge (http://livebythefoma.blogspot.com/2006/05/im-mad-at-melissa.html) and Maureen Dowd (http://livebythefoma.blogspot.com/2005/11/hottest-columnist-ever.html). Not that I have a shot at any of them.

Besides, on any realistic scale, Tina Fey still ranks in the top 5% of hottest women around. Anyone that argues otherwise hasn't spent enough time at the DMV lately.

Posted by: yellojkt | March 4, 2009 11:34 AM | Report abuse

I'm going to go way out on a limb and suggest the obvious: The men who voted for Fey are not the men who voted for Fox. You see results like this in polls all the time. The person who finishes second isn't the second choice of the most people. They're the first choice of people with entirely different (and, in this case, vastly superior) tastes.

Posted by: karmadrome | March 4, 2009 11:38 AM | Report abuse

Pardon my plagiarism, but men want a lady in the streets but a freak in the bed. Megan Fox, totally the fantasy. Take her home and... Tina Fey, cute, funny, maybe inappropriate at times, but you could totally take her to meet mom and be ok. Best of both worlds.

Posted by: BrentwoodGuy | March 4, 2009 11:39 AM | Report abuse

seriously? i'm with karma on this one... fey makes my top 10 - megan is nowhere near it... too many bright dynamic women to crush on before you get to the walking centerfolds

Posted by: quintiliusvarus | March 4, 2009 11:44 AM | Report abuse

I reject the question on the ground of Megan Fox. She'd fall on my nice-but-meh list. Replace her with Scarlet or Anne Hathaway, but that would invalidate the question.

In short: I have no clue.

Posted by: tidalwv | March 4, 2009 11:55 AM | Report abuse

Tina Fey - rare combo of nice person (seemingly), pretty face, nice body, intelligent and funny.
Hilton, Kardashian, Lohan - vacuous bimbettes.
Megan Fox - probably vacuous as well, but too smokin' hot to be left off the list. Not to mention the geek cred, and the whole bi-curious thing.

Posted by: fft5305 | March 4, 2009 11:58 AM | Report abuse

OK - a woman posting here - Comparing Tina Fey to Jack Black?? Perhaps a "Say Anything" era John Cusack might be the more appropriate analogy. Tina Fey is actually pretty attractive on any normal scale.

Posted by: sdb1 | March 4, 2009 12:01 PM | Report abuse

This question seems perfect for our beloved Dorkus. Too bad he's off at basic training.

Posted by: jes11 | March 4, 2009 12:12 PM | Report abuse

Megan Fox is the ultimate in porn star beauty. Everything about her look is exaggerated. The implants, the huge tattoos, the arched pencil thin eyebrows. She wears way too much makeup. Tina Fey on the other hand is naturally pretty. Very little makeup and she has the sexy nerd in glasses look down perfectly.

Posted by: buffysummers | March 4, 2009 12:14 PM | Report abuse

What BrentwoodGuy said (I guess). That, and the likelihood that voters on Asylum.com are teenage boys. Note: Voters also want to party with Owen Wilson and George Clooney. Need more be said?

Penelope Cruz is too good for this list. I don't get Tina Fey's appeal at all.

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | March 4, 2009 12:16 PM | Report abuse

That's fine, td. All the more of her for me.

Posted by: yellojkt | March 4, 2009 12:19 PM | Report abuse

td, Tina Fey's appeal is just like Sarah Palin's. Only with brains.

Guess I should admit she's not my type. Though I would like to have coffee with her.

Posted by: reddragon1 | March 4, 2009 12:25 PM | Report abuse

Penelope Cruz on the other hand, is.

Posted by: reddragon1 | March 4, 2009 12:30 PM | Report abuse

btw, comparing Megan to Angie just isn't fair. Angie could be ambassador to any number of countries, given her wide diplomatic experience with the UN. She wouldn't even have to move, having so many overseas homes.

I wouldn't post Megan anywhere but Bangkok.

Posted by: reddragon1 | March 4, 2009 12:36 PM | Report abuse

RE:
"Pardon my plagiarism, but men want a lady in the streets but a freak in the bed. Megan Fox, totally the fantasy."


This is where I completely disagree. Meghan Fox knows how to do and say things in public that are "sexy." As we've learned from Paris Hilton and her past suitors, sexy does not equal sexual. Tina Fey is older, more experienced, and at her peak. I'd say that she's probably the freak in bed.

Posted by: MzFitz | March 4, 2009 12:38 PM | Report abuse

"It would be like women saying that barring Daniel Craig's presence, Jack Black would be a reasonable substitute."

With all due respect, Liz Kelly, this is a terrible analogy. Craig/Black works if the women were, say, Julia Roberts/Caroline Rhea. Ashton Kutcher & Jon Stewart is what you mean.

(Including your quote, that's 49 words. So let's just say of Ms. Fox, "boobies," and that will count as my 50.)

Posted by: byoolin1 | March 4, 2009 12:42 PM | Report abuse

Tina Fey's appeal is just like Sarah Palin's. Only with brains.

Posted by: reddragon1 | March 4, 2009 12:25 PM

****

And appeal, reddragon. Oh, and a complete absence of any desire to turn that halfwit loose on the tundra and then shoot her from a helicopter.

Posted by: byoolin1 | March 4, 2009 12:45 PM | Report abuse

I would have to say Sarah Palin's appeal had far more to do with her resemblance to Tina Fey than vice versa, proving once again that looks can be deceiving.

Posted by: yellojkt | March 4, 2009 1:06 PM | Report abuse

Scratch that last sentence. That was completely uncalled for, and helicopter rentals are very expensive.

Posted by: byoolin1 | March 4, 2009 1:07 PM | Report abuse

Meghan Fox is like that really hot chick from high school that every guy wanted. Tina is the chick that is really cool with all the guys (and their girlfriends), still cute, but you know she's not going to become the village bicycle (ahem, Paris and Kim).

So if you throw a party, of course you want the really really smokin' hot chick to come, especially because its rumored that if you give her enough Jack Daniel's Down Home Punch she'll probably make out with her slightly less hot friend.

But if she blows you off (and you know she will), Tina can still party with the guys, drink the crappy beer (so you can save your DHP in case Meghan does show up), and you know that she won't transform into A. Beer Tears Magee or B. Skanky McSkankerson which just ruins the party for everyone.

Posted by: dizzy_comet | March 4, 2009 1:27 PM | Report abuse

The Nationals have a mascot? Were there no deck chairs left to rearrange?

Posted by: yellojkt | March 4, 2009 1:30 PM | Report abuse

*sorry, Megan Fox. I kept seeing Meghan McCain all day, and somehow that version of Megan got stuck in my head.

Posted by: dizzy_comet | March 4, 2009 1:30 PM | Report abuse

Oops. Wrong WaPo blog once again.

Posted by: yellojkt | March 4, 2009 1:31 PM | Report abuse

So does this mean I am actually the only one who finds Jack Black attractive?

Posted by: Liz_Likes_Celebs_Not_Baseball | March 4, 2009 2:00 PM | Report abuse

I am a guy and I don't understand that list at all.
On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the best (and yes, I know it is wrong to rate women and I am probably only a 5 myself, yada, yada, yada)
Paris is a negative 1
L Lohan is a 2
Kim K is a 3
M Fox is a 5 (way too fake)
Tin F is a 6.5
Cruz is a 7

I can think of about 50 other "stars" that rate higher then a 7.

Posted by: Iowahoosier | March 4, 2009 2:12 PM | Report abuse

Liz - No, I also find Jack Black attractive. There's a direct connection between my funny bone and my.....

Posted by: duhneese | March 4, 2009 2:30 PM | Report abuse

Tina Fey: Too smart to be governor of Alaska.

Posted by: reddragon1 | March 4, 2009 2:53 PM | Report abuse

um - has nobody mentioned Tina Fey's nice bottom?

(conversation? really??)

Posted by: prime-marshal | March 4, 2009 3:04 PM | Report abuse

If Cruz is a 7 in some universe, I don't think my heart could handle an 8.5.

Posted by: yellojkt | March 4, 2009 3:10 PM | Report abuse

I am reminded of the joke told by I don't remember who.

Comedian says, "My friend asked me, 'If you could have [use your favourite word for you-know here] with any celebrity, alive or dead, who would it be?' So I said, 'Britney Spears. And dead.'"

Posted by: byoolin1 | March 4, 2009 3:22 PM | Report abuse

(Hope that was high-brow enough for you, yello.)

Posted by: byoolin1 | March 4, 2009 3:23 PM | Report abuse

You know what's scary? I saw that pic of the Angelina-wannabe and thought it was the Octomom.

Megan Fox/Angelina Jolie are the girls every other girl hated in high school and won't invite to dinner parties or anywhere else as adults, because they slept with all the guys and couldn't be trusted and had no female friends.

Posted by: Californian11 | March 4, 2009 3:43 PM | Report abuse

Female and straight, so I can't help with the female hotness explanations. I can only pick my preferred response among the guy explanations - that there are Megan Fox lusting men, and there are Tina Fey lusting men. And I'll take a Tina Fey lusting man, please.


Jack Black, yuck. Even when he's not sweaty, he looks sweaty.

Posted by: trichobezoar | March 4, 2009 3:44 PM | Report abuse

byoolin,
I've been known to indulge in dead baby jokes (as opposed to dead Britney jokes) so just about anything clears that bar.

Posted by: yellojkt | March 4, 2009 3:48 PM | Report abuse

megan, kim k and their ilk are just mid-riffs. exaggerated/idealized versions of today's popularly conceived notions of beauty. i would suggest that tina was a token selection by the people that created the list.

second, the poll was a list of the people with whom i'd like to "party." it was not a list of people with whom i'd like to "party" and maintain a long-term, deep and meaningful relationship.

Posted by: the_nap | March 4, 2009 4:29 PM | Report abuse

"Explain to me -- in 50 words or less...."

4 words: "Some Kind of Wonderful"
3 words: "Pretty in Pink"
2 words: "The Natural" / "Fatal Attraction"
1 word: "Casablanca"

(At least the first three.) Mary Stuart Masterson or Lea Thompson? Jon Cryer or Andrew McCarthy? Glenn Close safe or psycho? And now, Fox or Fey? Same concept.

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | March 4, 2009 4:52 PM | Report abuse

Oh no, Liz, you're not the only one! I spoke of my love for Jack Black the other day. I agree that, much of the time, funny = sexy. The exterior package has little to do with the "sexy" part. It's all about the brains and the sense of humor.

Posted by: jaybbub | March 4, 2009 5:19 PM | Report abuse

Speaking as a lesbian, I have to agree with the boys. They're both hot, but in completely different ways. Megan Fox is the woman you want to have a fling with, but Tina Fey is the woman you want to marry, because she's obviously way more interesting.

Posted by: moonwatcher13 | March 4, 2009 5:31 PM | Report abuse

Jack Black, yuck. Even when he's not sweaty, he looks sweaty

LOL trichobezoar, I totally agree! I am ashamed to say that I am vain enough that I couldn't find him attractive no matter how much I liked him. His appearance says he doesn't care for himself so why should I? As they say on WNTW, taking care of your appearance is respect for others.

Posted by: hodie | March 4, 2009 5:36 PM | Report abuse

primemarshal, as I said in my other incarnation, the same features as Sarah Palin, with brains. So yeah, conversation. If it were JLo's bottom, not so much.

Posted by: reddragon2 | March 4, 2009 7:07 PM | Report abuse

Can't there be men who are attracted to women for reasons in addition to looks? If I sat down with God and helped him build a woman who was my preferred physical type in every way the result would be something very close to Kim Kardashian. And I still would choose Tina Fey over her 10 times out of 10. Humor and brains are definitely more attractive than any physical attributes. I'm not saying appearance doesn't matter, of course it does, but Tina has that too. Just maybe not as much as the others on this list. Her personality more than makes up for it. I'm sure that's why so many men voted for it. The results should give us all a little more faith in male humanity.

By the way, I don't mean to insinuate that Kim Kardashian is unfunny or dumb. I really don't know. Tina Fey I know.

Posted by: THavas42 | March 4, 2009 8:52 PM | Report abuse

Wow. I had to do some research because I've never even heard of Megan Fox. Tina Fey, all the way. Her being a self-described nerd and a cutie to boot, its irresistible. Shes like Jen Kerwin without the red hair.

Posted by: lostinthemiddle | March 4, 2009 11:44 PM | Report abuse

Tina Fey is very smart and funny, but come on, she looks like a man. It also doesn't suit her to constantly show her cleavage--ya gotta have the face to go along with that, otherwise it's just gross.

Posted by: wangbang747 | March 5, 2009 12:49 AM | Report abuse

THavas, you must have wandered onto the wrong blog. The topic is celebrity crushes. There's not a helluvalot to go on besides looks. Think those of us who like Tina Fey do so because in this rare case we have a little more info.

I'd still choose Salma Hayek or Penelope Cruz, but I'm as shallow as Kim Kardashian.

Posted by: reddragon1 | March 5, 2009 7:59 AM | Report abuse

Thank you, Byoolin and Yellow jacket, for the Britney Spears Necrophilia Exchange.

As for which female celeb that respondents would want to boink, why can't a respondent take the perspective of a Cosmo Girl and say, "I want them all."?

For the record, I do NOT have the mind of a Cosmo Girl. I have the mind of a perverted old cryptid.

Props to Jack Black who has figured out that the best way to woo women is to voice cartoon characters who are better looking than he is. That way, any woman who is with jack Black can always fantasize that she is doing Kung Fu Panda.

Since reddragon already has Salma Hayek, I'll take Connie Britton, and we can party under the lights on Friday night.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | March 5, 2009 11:24 AM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

 
 
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