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Posted at 10:42 AM ET, 03/ 6/2009

Friday List: 'Flirtexting' Advice for the Celeb Set

By Liz Kelly

(Skyhorse Publishing)

Critics of celebrity news often accuse devotees and their favored publications (and blogs) of lowering the level of public discourse. But, listen, there is plenty of stupid to go around without factoring Paris Hilton, Jeremy Piven or the entire celeb-reality genre into the equation.

Yesterday in the mail, I received a copy of what may be the most dimwitted, inane book ever printed (and, yes, I did stop to consider Nicole Richie's "novel" before making that pronouncement). "Flirtexting" promises 184 pages of breathless advice for "anyone who has a cell phone and wants to get it on."

From the back cover:

"It's official. Boys text, therefore girls must learn how to flirtext! Like it or not we live in a culture that accepts dates, heart-to-heart talks, and late night invites via text. Embrace it -- flirtexting is the way to his heart!"

The book's two authors -- Debra Goldstein and Olivia Baniuszewicz -- describe themselves as successful graduates of "The Rules" and "He's Just Not That Into You" and their only credentials seem to be the fact that both were undergrad communications majors and own cell phones. Debra and Olivia promise to teach you how craft the BPT (Best Possible Text), how to decode his text (Is it a "booty text"?), how long to wait before responding (not immediately!) and provide "examples of sassy, flirty and funny responses to his generic texts."

Here are a few:

His text: "Hi."
Your "Flirtexting" engineered response: "Hey yourself." Or, if you're feeling "flirty": "Hey handsome."

His text: "You are so cute. I miss you when you're not around."
Your "Flirtexting" engineered response if you happen to be a total dolt who has never seen "Casablanca": "Are you reciting lines from 'Casablanca' again?" Or, if you're feeling "sassy": "I know, aren't I adorable?"

His text: "Are you still mad at me?"
Your "Flirtexting" engineered response: "Ask me again when you show up on my door step with a fro-yo and 'The Notebook.'" Or, if you're feeling "sassy: "Is Al Gore GREEN?"


It goes on -- there is advice on texting under the influence and "sexting" (yes, it is what you think it is -- and the authors recommend including sexy photos) -- but I won't torture you with more excerpts. What the book doesn't seem to include, although it is arguably the biggest by-product of the texting age, is how to break up with someone via text.

Today's mission, should you choose to accept it, is to construct a fictional flirtext between two celebs using the exchanges above as models. A few examples:

Guy Ritchie: "Is It still mad at me?"
Madonna's "Flirtext" engineered response: "Ask me that when you're on my door step with a bottle of Kabbalah water and a 20-something-year-old Brazilian model."


Justin Gaston (Miley Cyrus's 20-year-old boyfriend): "Hey, what's up?"
Miley's "Flirtext" engineered response: "I'm going to pull your endocrine system out of your body and make a hat out of it."

(After reading the response in some confusion, Gaston realizes he accidentally texted Gary Busey.)

Add yours below...

By Liz Kelly  | March 6, 2009; 10:42 AM ET
Categories:  Books, Friday Lists  
Save & Share:  Send E-mail   Facebook   Twitter   Digg   Yahoo Buzz   StumbleUpon   Technorati   Google Buzz   Previous: Pitt Meets the Prez, Pelosi; Chris Brown Charged, Rihanna Reportedly Avoiding Family
Next: Morning Mix: Brangelina Do D.C.; Kimmel and Silverman Reportedly Split Again


Hold on a sec-I need to text myself a pencil with which to stab myself in the eyeballs.

Posted by: ASinMoCo | March 6, 2009 11:08 AM | Report abuse

low hanging fruit....

Blake Fielder: You still mad at me?
Amy Winehouse's 'Flirtext' engineered response: idonwanw1itpho iareutalkingabout have another jack&coke 15yr old grl? call me

Posted by: quintiliusvarus | March 6, 2009 11:17 AM | Report abuse

Tom Cruise: Hi
Katie Holmes's 'Flirtext' engineered response: Praise the great Xenu, the check for the church is on the kitchen table.

Posted by: ASinMoCo | March 6, 2009 11:23 AM | Report abuse

Ozzy Osbourne: Call me a cab.
Bartender's 'Flirtext' engineered response: You're a cab.


Posted by: memphis1 | March 6, 2009 11:23 AM | Report abuse

or of course...

Chris Brown: Matthew 5:39 baby
Rhianna's 'Flirtext' engineered response : You've changed! wait... nvrmnd. call me

Posted by: quintiliusvarus | March 6, 2009 11:24 AM | Report abuse

Ozzy Osbourne: Call me a cab.
Bartender's 'Flirtext' engineered response: It's not like in the commercial - I STILL can't bloody understand a word you say.

Posted by: byoolin1 | March 6, 2009 11:29 AM | Report abuse

Brad Pitt: Hi, how's it going?
Nancy Pelosi: Hi, hunkmeister. Wanna work on some legislation?

Posted by: aallen1 | March 6, 2009 11:31 AM | Report abuse

Sam Ronson: Yo! We good?
Lilo's "Flirtext" engineered response: Hardly, Be'atch, I like boys now. See ya at the club.

Posted by: hodie | March 6, 2009 11:52 AM | Report abuse

Chris Brown: Matthew 5:39 baby
Rihanna: Exodus 21:23–27 sucker

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | March 6, 2009 11:59 AM | Report abuse

Rocco: will u be home for dinr?
Madonna: no pilates then ribbon lift chkup
Rocco: c u at kaballah

Brad: u still mad @ me?
Jen: wrong#
Brad: glad i m not footing $55k hair bill lol
Jen: u had ur chance. call from john. l8r, oscr losr

Janet: michael let go n sell the old cr@p plz
Michael: i m back sis new tour
Janet: do you need $
Michael: need u2 float me til auction k?

Lourdes: mom stop skeevng out my frnds
Madonna: brb call from jesus
Lourdes: y cant u b a normal mom

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | March 6, 2009 12:05 PM | Report abuse

With apologies to ep if she's lurking...

Barack: Hey Hodie, will you be my Surgeon General?
Hodie's "Flirtext" engineered response: Hey, back at ya, Mr. President. But what about MamaBama, will she approve?

W: Howdy, Cowgirl!
Laura's "Flirtext" engineered response: Get a job, already.

Posted by: hodie | March 6, 2009 12:13 PM | Report abuse

SASQUATCH: Selma, luv yer boobs.


SASQUATCH: Im rick james, btch!

SELMA HAYEK: Suk it sas.


Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | March 6, 2009 12:27 PM | Report abuse

Cautionary tale re: sexting

Posted by: BraleyPJ | March 6, 2009 12:29 PM | Report abuse

Flirtexting in the real world (non-celeb) ... yep, been there, done that. Fun at first but gets old. Why go for margarine when you can have real butter?

Posted by: Californian11 | March 6, 2009 12:52 PM | Report abuse

Let's have a big round of applause for td, who's extra sassy today!

Angie: Guess what, hon?
Brad: Mine, or adopted?

Posted by: trichobezoar | March 6, 2009 2:05 PM | Report abuse

Had to go look it up, but Nosy_parker's was pretty damn good there....

(Now to go get a paper towel to get the soda off the monitor.)

Posted by: | March 6, 2009 2:19 PM | Report abuse

Inspired by the blog I decided to text-flirt with my husband. I thought it was oh so sexy when I typed "enjoyed practicing the French arts with you last night." his response, "french arts?" is he lame or am I? Do I need this book?

Posted by: L8yF8 | March 6, 2009 2:24 PM | Report abuse

L8yF8, it could depend on whether you were referring to dîner or après.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | March 6, 2009 2:56 PM | Report abuse

Pope: Kommen Sie zur Sitzung oder?

Cardinal: Ci avete detto di dare in su texting per prestato.

Posted by: mdreader01 | March 6, 2009 3:27 PM | Report abuse

BARACK: U R so hot in sleeveless, baby!!

MICHELLE: I can put kids 2 bed early Whats in it 4 me?

BARACK: I got stimuls pckg 4 u, right here!

MICHELLE: Im yer personal economy.

BARACK: Lets get it on, baby!

MICHELLE: Oooo mr predident! Is this a booty call?

BARACK: Word! Gotta get 2 u while i can still walk

MICHELLE: Not 2 worry. I can take care of your 3rd leg. Can ny1 else read these msgs?

BARACK: Hope..... not

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | March 6, 2009 5:28 PM | Report abuse

I had to take another crack at Brad and Nancy...

Brad: Really like ur stimulus package, hon.
Nancy: thnkx babe urs is bigger, lmao.

Posted by: kvs71 | March 6, 2009 6:29 PM | Report abuse

Jimmy Kimmel: Uncle Frank thinks we should try again.
Sarah Silverman: No. I'm FN Matt Damon.

Posted by: doobrah | March 9, 2009 2:40 PM | Report abuse

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