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Posted at 10:33 AM ET, 04/ 3/2009

Friday List: Being [Insert Celebrity's Name Here]

By Liz Kelly

This is where I would be, helping GOOPy Gwyneth Paltrow live up to her true potential as a lifestyle maven (Hot Pocket casserole, anyone?), coming clean about Chris Martin and renaming those kids. (Getty Images)

Friday List

If you had the ability to inhabit the body of one celebrity for one day, who would it be and why? What would you do with your day?

That was the genius question that sparked an outpouring of creativity in yesterday's Celebritology Live discussion. The original poster went on to detail his plan:

I would be Nicolas Cage so I could change the name of his poor son. Then I would announce my retirement from stage and screen forever.

This was followed by an avalanche of equally fabulous ideas:

-- I would be Katie Holmes, All the Way: I need answers about Tom and his madness.

-- I'd be Lindsay Lohan. I'd dump SamRo and Dina, serve a lifetime restraining order against Michael forbearing him to ever speak of me publicly, snarf down a couple of cheesesteaks and maybe a large milkshake, and check into rehab.

-- I would like to be Oprah for one day. Then I could find out the truth about Gail and Steadman.

-- If I could be a celebrity for a day, I would be either Sean Hannity or Rush Limbaugh. I would use my 24 hours to apologize for all the cruel, nasty things my celebrity has said over the years. I would also use the 24 hours to donate all the celebrity's assets to various causes that the celebrity has disparaged.

-- Could I be Derek Jeter and intentionally tear my ACL, putting me out for the season?

You get the idea. Add your ideas below. The five best proposals will be highlighted in this space on Monday.

The Rules:
1. I make the rules. Just 'cuz.
2. There is a method to our madness: Your choice of celebrity host must be in service to acheiving a specific end that would make the world (in your estimation) a better place.
3. That end may not be, as a few randy posters attempted yesterday, to get closer to Scarlett Johansson by jumping inside her skin.
4. While you inhabit your chosen celeb's body, the real life you is in a state of suspended animation. So this means, among other things, that jumping into Robert Pattinson's body and speeding to your own house to seduce yourself is impossible.
5. More rules may be added (by me) as the day progresses, depending on how this thing goes.

By Liz Kelly  | April 3, 2009; 10:33 AM ET
Categories:  Friday Lists  
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Comments

I would jump into the body of a rich, popular, powerful person with ties to both New Orleans and Barbara Bush and ask her why she thought the plight of the Katrina victims was so darned funny.

Posted by: dwbl@ix.netcom.com | April 3, 2009 10:50 AM | Report abuse

I'd be Liz Kelly and get a real job.

Posted by: kabuki3 | April 3, 2009 10:56 AM | Report abuse

For starters:

Octomom, just long enough to schedule an emergency hysterectomy.

On a similar note, could I body surf for 24 hours and get lots of vasectomies? Eddie Murphy, for example?

OJ - I bet I could find that killer in 24 hours!

Posted by: trichobezoar | April 3, 2009 11:01 AM | Report abuse

I would be Britney Spears. I'd shave my head, wear a pink wig, talk with a British accent, lose custody of my children, practically derail my career, and ...oh wait...

Posted by: pras40 | April 3, 2009 11:01 AM | Report abuse

I'd be Amy Winehouse and quit smoking and have myself committed to a top-notch psychiatric facility.

Posted by: mdreader01 | April 3, 2009 11:03 AM | Report abuse

Boo to the Derek Jeter comment. I don't care if A-Rod tears his ACL, but let's leave my future husband out of this, ok? :)

And Boo to kabuki! Uncalled for.

I'd be any famous fashion designer and order designs for "traditionally built" or "real" women. I would also make them more cost-friendly.

Or:
I'd be Sarah Palin and have my vocal chords removed.

Or:
I'd be Bill O'Reilly and have my vocal chords removed.

Or:
I'd be Greta Van Susteren, abdicate from Scientology and have my vocal chords removed.

Posted by: eet7e | April 3, 2009 11:07 AM | Report abuse

I'd be John Malkovich of course. I'd order towels, take a shower, and have two dozen or so old folks take up residence inside my head.

Posted by: jelo | April 3, 2009 11:08 AM | Report abuse

I know who I wouldn't be - Jack Bauer. He always seems to have the worst day ever. And they seem to go on for months!

BTW - the original poster was a she, not a he. XO New Haven

Posted by: Puddin34 | April 3, 2009 11:08 AM | Report abuse

eet7e, well-played!!!

I'd be Andy the Cat, so I could be gorgeous, be treated like royalty and be a celeb without any of the drawbacks of same. Actually, wouldn't that elevate me to deity status?

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | April 3, 2009 11:15 AM | Report abuse

Also, well-played, trichobezoar!!!

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | April 3, 2009 11:16 AM | Report abuse

Adding to my Octomom schedule:

Realizing I'd be laid up and out of commission following the spaying, I'd turn all the children over to CPS for safekeeping.

Posted by: trichobezoar | April 3, 2009 11:17 AM | Report abuse

I'd be one of Brangelina's kids. Then I could act like a little hellion while finding out the truth about what goes on behind those closed doors. Why does mommy keep yelling at daddy?

Posted by: dragnchic9 | April 3, 2009 11:18 AM | Report abuse

I'd be Katherine Heigl and have my jaw wired shut.

Posted by: ASinMoCo | April 3, 2009 11:35 AM | Report abuse

I would be Gayle King so that I could experience the Oprah lifestyle without actually having to be Oprah. I would be Gloria Allred and give up speaking for Lent.

Posted by: avidwpreader | April 3, 2009 11:44 AM | Report abuse

I would be Demi Moore. Who would then have lunch with Jennifer Aniston and would teach her how to keep quiet about her celebrity divorce.

Posted by: Chasmosaur1 | April 3, 2009 11:46 AM | Report abuse

I'd be Denise Richards. I would make a very public vow of chastity and announce that I was moving my entire family to a convent for an extended period of personal growth and reflection.

Posted by: StuckatWork | April 3, 2009 11:49 AM | Report abuse

I would be Ann Coulter.

And would out myself. At CPAC.

Posted by: Chasmosaur1 | April 3, 2009 11:50 AM | Report abuse

I'd be Elisabeth Hasselbeck so I could quit my day job, get pregnant, and donate the stem cells to science. Oh, and have my vocal chords removed!

Posted by: fe12971 | April 3, 2009 11:51 AM | Report abuse

My husband is chiming in with this one:

He would be Eric Benet.

And then he would spend 24 hours banging his head against the wall for cheating on Halle Berry.

Posted by: Chasmosaur1 | April 3, 2009 11:58 AM | Report abuse

I'd be Blythe Danner, and have a little sit-down with my daughter about graciousness, humility and GOOP-iness. Once I got that mess straightened out...

I'd be Gretchen Rossi (Real Housewives, OC), and I'd pledge myself to a cloistered convent. The Cistercians, if they'd have me.

Posted by: northgs | April 3, 2009 12:00 PM | Report abuse

I'd be Morgan Freeman, so I could walk around a city all day narrating things: Starbucks menus, bus schedules, and whatever else came to hand.

Posted by: CentrevilleMom | April 3, 2009 12:11 PM | Report abuse

Thanks Nosy!

And as Andy, you would have the most perfect whiskers ever!

And CentrevilleMom, I think the same would work for James Earl Jones. :) Then you'd also get to be Darth Vader and say "This is CNN."

Posted by: eet7e | April 3, 2009 12:16 PM | Report abuse

ooooh! Another one! I'd be Billy Mays and fly over North Dakota (or anywhere else there's flooding) and drop planeloads of Shamwows in order to sop up the flooding.

Posted by: eet7e | April 3, 2009 12:20 PM | Report abuse

Lighten up, eet7e. She's a celebrity, she's fair game, and I'm not suggesting she removes her body parts. Well, maybe part of the nose & some of the hips...

Posted by: kabuki3 | April 3, 2009 12:21 PM | Report abuse

eet7e:

You want to be Vince Offer, not Billy Mays. Gotta get your infomercial ad men right.

Besides, you don't want to be Vince Offer right now...

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2009/0327092sham1.html

Posted by: Chasmosaur1 | April 3, 2009 12:33 PM | Report abuse

If I could choose a celeb...I'd be Britney! I would tell K-Fed that he is and always will be a LOSER that can't rap no matter how much he wants to follow in Mr. Mather's footsteps, slap Lindsay Lohan in the face, run over Paris Hilton with my gorgeous new Mercedes and tell my little sister to close her legs.

Posted by: kt_muhree | April 3, 2009 12:33 PM | Report abuse

"I'm not suggesting she removes her body parts."


Hey, some body parts are a force for evil, not good.

Posted by: trichobezoar | April 3, 2009 12:35 PM | Report abuse

I would be GWB and admit that I knew there were no WMD and did it all for Dad.

I would then be Rhianna and go to my lawyer to let him know I want to testify.

I would then be Candace Olson and go to hodie's house for a big home makeover.

And last but not least....I would be Bill Gates and direct the Bill and Melinda Gates foundation to buy and actual island, complete with Tiki bar for the lizards.

Posted by: hodie | April 3, 2009 12:57 PM | Report abuse

Yeah, kabuki, but she does have a real job, one I wish I had. And if she didn't have this job, we wouldn't have this chat. But if we go back in time and try to stop her from creating this blog, it wouldn't have mattered because whatever happened, happened and....oops, sorry, got Lost on the brain.

Thanks, Chas! Totally screwed that one up. And I *did* see the thing about him beating up the hooker the other day, but totally forgot it was him. Yikes!

Posted by: eet7e | April 3, 2009 1:00 PM | Report abuse

i dont need a day.

Joaquin Phoenix for 5 minutes with a razor and a hammer for my sunglasses.

Posted by: quintiliusvarus | April 3, 2009 1:15 PM | Report abuse

I think that I would probably be Kurt Cobain. Because, you know, popping back up out of the ground and being a zombie and stuff would really freak people out. They'd be like "Oh my god, it's Kurt Cobain and he's a zombie" and I'd be like "Yes! I am dead and I must have brussel sprouts! Bring me your brussel sprouts!" Then everyone would be like "Wait, don't you mean 'brains?'" and I'd be like "No! The undead draw their dark powers from brussel sprouts! Muahahahaha!" People would totally freak out and burn all the brussel sprouts since that's what the undead eat. Which would be awesome, because I hate brussel sprouts.

Posted by: karmadrome | April 3, 2009 1:27 PM | Report abuse

Yeah, ee7e, and I'm sure you have a life, too, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't get one.

Posted by: kabuki3 | April 3, 2009 1:30 PM | Report abuse

Yeah, ee7e, and I'm sure you have a life, too, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't get one.

Posted by: kabuki3 | April 3, 2009 1:30 PM | Report abuse

No need to flame me, I'm warm enough already, thanks! Plus, you wouldn't want the heat to melt that white makeup.

And hodie, good call on the Gates Foundation. Make them decide to move their government affairs department back to DC while you're at it!

Posted by: eet7e | April 3, 2009 1:41 PM | Report abuse

I would be Chris Brown. I would apologize to everyone (especially Rhianna) for my actions, start therapy, and use all my fame and fortune to raise awareness about domestic violence.

Posted by: manning1 | April 3, 2009 1:42 PM | Report abuse

I'd be karmadrome.

'Cause I wanna have some of whatever he's putting in his food (but not Brussel Sprouts, obviously).

Posted by: Chasmosaur1 | April 3, 2009 1:45 PM | Report abuse

I would be Tom Cruise so I can divorce Katie, and let Katie and Suri go lead normal lives, and I would tell all the members of Scientology the truth about the cult, and set them free.

Posted by: yummytunnel | April 3, 2009 1:51 PM | Report abuse

The two comments that made me lol was trichobezoar's octomom hysterectomy comment (without a doubt the best here) and Centreville Mom's Morgan Freeman comment (struck me funny!!!)

Posted by: hodie | April 3, 2009 1:57 PM | Report abuse

I would be Donald Trump, and I would shave my head.

I would be Sarah Palin, and I would challenge John McCain to a knife fight to decide the leadership of the Republican party. Then I would be John McCain, and I would accept, but show up with a hunting rifle.

I would be David Miscavige, and I would dissolve the Scientology organization and donate the whole of the profits to worthy charities. Then I would have "Lose Thetans Now, Ask Me How" tattoed across my back. He'd attempt to destroy me and my reputation afterwards, but it would be worth it.

Posted by: Bawlmer51 | April 3, 2009 2:03 PM | Report abuse

He'd attempt to destroy me and my reputation afterwards, but it would be worth it.

Posted by: Bawlmer51 | April 3, 2009 2:03 PM | Report abuse

Don't worry Bawlmer, there is no way he can know it's you.

Posted by: hodie | April 3, 2009 2:11 PM | Report abuse

I'd be mAnn Coulter and finish the reassignment surgery already. Then I'd take a vow of silence and a vow of poverty and move to a monastery.

Posted by: jes11 | April 3, 2009 2:12 PM | Report abuse

I would be Linsay Lohan and eat some real food.

Posted by: mdreader01 | April 3, 2009 2:25 PM | Report abuse

Nosy already took Andy the Cat, dammit! And I don't think I would want to be Page, because I don't want to know what the Kelly family butts smell like.

Since the mind meld cannot be used for personal lascivious activity -- Liz, please remind Producer Paul about this when he asks if he can be ScarJo's husband for a day -- that precludes many interesting choices.

For example, I am precluded from being Salma Hayek's baby for a day. No breasfeeding? Damn!

Could I be Paris Hilton's dog, Tinkerbell, so I could take a dump in her purse? Would that be precluded? I consider it to be a noble act.

If I must act for the betterment of mankind in my mind melds, here are some of my choices:

I would be Pope Ratzie...errr Benedict, and declare an end to celibacy for the clergy. I would also order the Vatican to open a eBay store that sells indulgences.

I would be Osama Bin Laden. I would make a live appearance in Islamabad, broadcast on Al Jazzera, during which I would renounce radical Islam, jihadist terrorist practices, and sharia. At the end of this statement, I would command that all my followers to join me in a journey into eternity, at which time I would pull out a handgun and shoot myself. Hopefully I would be transported to a suitable exit on the New Jersey Turnpike.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | April 3, 2009 2:37 PM | Report abuse

And last but not least....I would be Bill Gates and direct the Bill and Melinda Gates foundation to buy and actual island, complete with Tiki bar for the lizards.

Posted by: hodie | April 3, 2009 12:57 PM

-------------------------------------------
Hodie, I'd be happy if Bill and Melinda let the Lizards occasionally use their house for happy hour.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | April 3, 2009 2:40 PM | Report abuse

Given these discouraging economic times, I would be Woody Allen and concentrate on making funny movies instead of trying to win acclaim from artsy critics.

Posted by: Sigma60 | April 3, 2009 2:48 PM | Report abuse

I would be Michael Jackson and take off all the makeup, fake hair, sunglasses & band-aids and sit in the sun for a change.

I would be Sarah Palin and apologize to big-city America for being a brainless hick.

I would be Dick Cheney and take it like a man.

I would be Hillary Clinton and kick Bill in the cojones. Repeatedly.

I would be Pat Robertson and apologize for usurping the voice of God.

I would be Michael Vick and give whatever money I had left to the ASPCA.

Posted by: doobrah | April 3, 2009 3:04 PM | Report abuse

I'd like to be Queen Elizabeth for a day so I could smack Prince Philip around for all his stupid comments. Then I'd visit an animal shelter and get a nice big dog.

Posted by: memphis1 | April 3, 2009 3:04 PM | Report abuse

Memphis,

I don't think you'd do anything the Q hasn't already done. Except for the big dog part. She likes lots of little dogs.

Posted by: reddragon1 | April 3, 2009 3:37 PM | Report abuse

I’d be Angelina Jolie. The first thing I would do is eat a big cheeseburger with French fires and a chocolate shake. Then, I would probably pen letters to all the women I have stolen men from over the years saying that I was sorry.

I would make up with my dad because what he said it true: I am crazy. Lastly, I would take out a world map, throw a dart at it and then decide that I didn’t actually need to adopt another child.

Posted by: supersonic1 | April 3, 2009 3:42 PM | Report abuse

Some of these are really great--Lizards and lurkers are on a roll today!

Do the rules preclude personal gain? Like, could I be Angelina Jolie and sign on to do all of sorcererscat's screenplays in the coming years?

I like all of the ridding the world of hateful people ideas--what a noble sacrifice to go inhabit someone loathsome. Wonder what the equivalent of having a bad taste in your mouth is for full coporeal inhabitation?

Posted by: sorcerers_cat | April 3, 2009 4:05 PM | Report abuse

Wonder what the equivalent of having a bad taste in your mouth is for full coporeal inhabitation?

Posted by: sorcerers_cat | April 3, 2009 4:05 PM

Really bad indigestion!

Posted by: northgs | April 3, 2009 4:24 PM | Report abuse

I would be George Lucas, and I would apologize.

Posted by: northgs | April 3, 2009 4:41 PM | Report abuse

Wow you all are awesome and this is why I love you and your brilliant snark. I am afraid I am not all that creative today, more blood thirsty - my shot over the bow...

I think I would spend an hour inside the body of each greedy evil african country dictator or rebel leader, I'd order the corporeal dismemberment of each and every other crook in the country (including the rebel leaders fighting against me), then I'd open all of the jails where I keep the intellectual dissenters, unlock the doors, hand over 72 cattle prods and ask them to kill me slowly then take over the country, establishing a fair democracy dedicated to the health and education of my country's people.

Aw heck, I might be a little ambitious, I think I'll need at least an hour and a half for each dictator.

Posted by: LTL1 | April 3, 2009 4:41 PM | Report abuse

Oh, LTL, wouldn't you want to follow the way of Bishop Tutu and Nelson Mandela, and establish a Truth & Reconciliation Commission? There's something to be said for shaming people by taking the high road.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | April 3, 2009 4:57 PM | Report abuse

The rational part of me would aspire to be like such amazing men, but I see the absolute amorality in these dictators and I doubt any of them are capapble of shame...

There truly are monsters among us and to paraphrase Nietzsche - I guess theoretically in our little Friday exercise - I'd be willing to give myself up to the abyss - if it meant we could give the people of that continent a fighting chance.

Well I guess this pokes holes in my self image as the optomistic peace loving liberal I believe myself to be... There is something about the defenselessness of wonderful, beautiful, loving people and how wrong it all is that just sets me in to a rage...

I was able to participate in the development of a film called "Women in War" that talked about the impact that war has on women and their role as the community glue. I will never forget the story of this 10 year old (hell I can't call her a girl, you look in her eyes and she's older than I will ever be thanks to her experiences).

She talked of how she lost her parents to the Janjaweed and had to care for her two younger brothers. They walked for a year to get to the Darfur Refugee camps, she spoke of how she had to sell their goat and that she was so very hungry and she wished that there was something other than pulling up dried grass from the ground to eat.

I felt sick.

Posted by: LTL1 | April 3, 2009 5:14 PM | Report abuse

so I guess while a nice reconciliation committee would be lovely, I'd vote for expediency if it got food to that little girl faster.

That isn't to say that the Kurt Cobain post wasn't absolutely hysterical...

Down with brussel sprouts - I give them up as a new years resolution every year, and every year I succeed!

Posted by: LTL1 | April 3, 2009 5:17 PM | Report abuse

LTL, agreed on all points, especially the Brussels sprouts (nasty things!). It's just the Mr. P got to meet Bishop Tutu on one of his (Tutu's) visits to the US, and was highly impressed.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | April 3, 2009 5:30 PM | Report abuse

"I would be George Lucas, and I would apologize." --northgs

BRAVO! Best one yet.

Me, I'd be Robert Wagner. I'm reading his autobiography (mentioned here a few weeks ago). Man, what a life....

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | April 3, 2009 7:14 PM | Report abuse

Sorry, I should have said mean things to other people. That is more acceptable than saying I'd like to...

See Brad Pitt in the morning.

Posted by: chunche | April 3, 2009 11:19 PM | Report abuse

Scarlett Johansson "actress"actually is a clone from original person,who has nothing with acting career.Clone was created illegally using stolen biomaterial.Original Scarlett Galabekian last name is nice, CHRISTIAN young lady.Original family didn't authorize any activity with stolen biomaterials,no matter what form it was created in,it's all need to be back to original family control in Cedars-Sinai MedicalCenter in LA.Controlling clones is US military operation.Original Scarlett never was engaged,by the way

Posted by: ABHFGTY | April 4, 2009 4:36 AM | Report abuse

I would be Perez Hilton. I'd put my fat ass on a treadmill for half the day, go to my hair stylist and ask for a natural hair color and look in the mirror before I thought about wearing what I usually wear out of the house.

I'd then call SaMAN and Lindsey and all the other celebrities who are famous for no reason and serve no purpose to better humanity and ask them to punch me in the face. Repeatedly. They would take photos of me and post them to my website, complete with my usual MSpaint markups. I'd make a mockery of myself for once, instead of redirecting my self-hate and ugliness onto others.

Posted by: sarahvowellstwinsister | April 5, 2009 12:55 PM | Report abuse

I would be Baroness Emma Nicholson for half a day so I could apologize publicly to all the adoptive parents I called child traffickers and child organ sellers and for forcing Romania to ban inter-country adoption and writing the worst child welfare legislation in Europe. I'd then resign from the EU and donate my millions to building group homes for the Romanian mentally disabled and abandoned children I condemned to hell. I'd sell my home and donate that money to the Mental Disability Rights International. In the afternoon I'd become J.K. Rowling and call a press conference to announce I had been misled by Baroness Nicholson and to apologize to all of the adopted children whose money I took while I donated my millions to an anti-adoption charity that I co-founded with Nicholson. I'd then call for inter-country adoption to be reopened in Romania and every country that has banned it. I'd then donate $200MM to the NGO's working with the abandoned and disabled children I caused to suffer needlessly by my actions.

Posted by: RIPRussert | April 7, 2009 9:40 AM | Report abuse

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