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Posted at 10:42 AM ET, 04/20/2009

Jake Gyllenhaal, Ab-solutely Cheezy

By Liz Kelly

Note: We've had to remove the publicity still posted here today (you can see it here, though) after discovering that it was not an offiicially-sanctioned image.

Maybe because he was "Donnie Darko" I just always expected more from Jake Gyllenhaal. My faith was shaken, though, as he grew out of his gawky phase, buffed up and started palling around with Lance Armstrong. Sure, he's to be commended for his work in "Brokeback Mountain," but it's been four years -- four long years of pix like this and, worse yet, this one with third musketeer Matthew McConaughey.

So it should come as no surprise that a recently released publicity still from Gyllenhaal's upcoming movie, the video game-inspired "Prince of Persia," has been added to the collection here at the Gallery of Regrettable Publicity Stills. While Jake is probably trying to capitalize on the ab-fab success of Gerard Butler's look in "300," going for the Leonidas look, he comes off looking more like an updated "Beastmaster." And despite the fine acting done by Marc Singer in that classic fantasy flick, Marc Singer is no Leonidas.

So join me in welcoming Jake Gyllenhaal to the gallery, where his stringy hair, cultivated beard and manly pose will live forever.

By Liz Kelly  | April 20, 2009; 10:42 AM ET
Categories:  Regrettable Publicity Stills  
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Comments

I gotta ask after looking at that pix of jake and lance taking a break from riding:

Do bicycle pants actually offer any benefit -- comfort, aerodynamics, whatever -- to a bicycle rider?

Because so far the only effect I've ever discerned has been on the casual onlooker. They either lose a meal, skip a meal due to complete loss of appetite or are forced to substitute brain bleach for a meal.

And Jake, the abs definitely need more work.

(is there a friday list here: stars w/potential who turn to cheez when they fall in love)

Posted by: memphis1 | April 20, 2009 10:59 AM | Report abuse

I think Jake is a perfect candidate to replace Fabio in the "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" ads.

Posted by: hodie | April 20, 2009 11:01 AM | Report abuse

Biking shorts have lots of padding (often gel like stuff) where you sit, otherwise a few hours on a bike seat can cause pain and even brusing.

But attractive they are not.

Posted by: mcleve | April 20, 2009 11:12 AM | Report abuse

Could we please have the daniel craig photo link to help restore balance to the universe?

Posted by: memphis1 | April 20, 2009 11:16 AM | Report abuse

Amen, memphis1!

Hey Liz, just go ahead and start every post with the Daniel Craig link. Thankyouverymuch.

Posted by: jaybbub | April 20, 2009 11:19 AM | Report abuse

Oh yeah, and that movie pretty much promises to be a turkey. Gobble gobble, Jake!

Posted by: jaybbub | April 20, 2009 11:20 AM | Report abuse

So was this for his cover shoot for Details or for Honcho?

Posted by: yellojkt | April 20, 2009 11:46 AM | Report abuse

Give that man a hoodie and a ponytail holder.

Posted by: pras40 | April 20, 2009 12:12 PM | Report abuse

I'd rather see him with his shirt off than, say, Jack Black.

Still, that "Fitness Made Simple" pose is for fashion models and body building meat heads.

Posted by: mdreader01 | April 20, 2009 12:57 PM | Report abuse

Hey Liz, you forgot Jake's lead role in Jarhead in 2005. An okay performance in a GREAT movie.

One of the linked pix must really be interesting, because my Net Nanny said NO.

As cheesy as that Jake photo is, be glad that it's not a photo of some old, 20 lb overweight, balding, shirtless cryptid in bicycle shorts. I hear through the grapevine that such a photo was considered for use as an enhanced interrogation technique, but even john Yoo and David Addington considered it to be beyond the pale.

You want bike short? I got your bike shorts RIGHT HERE:

http://www.alivewithlove.com/cyclists.html

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | April 20, 2009 1:44 PM | Report abuse

I love Jake but that long stringy oily looking hair is so gross. It does not become him!

Posted by: dre7861 | April 20, 2009 1:44 PM | Report abuse

Could we please have the daniel craig photo link to help restore balance to the universe?

Posted by: memphis1 | April 20, 2009 11:16 AM | Report abuse

Yum. Or a photo of Andy in a swimsuit.

Posted by: jezebel3 | April 20, 2009 1:59 PM | Report abuse

Jake Gyllenhaal and Mattew McConaghey. Dude!

Liz, don't be hatin on the Beastmaster. That show was at least as good as Red Sonya, or Conan the Barbarian, though the mythology was not up to Hercules standards, or even Zena, Warrior Princess.

Posted by: reddragon1 | April 20, 2009 2:09 PM | Report abuse

Yum. Or a photo of Andy in a swimsuit.

Posted by: jezebel3 | April 20, 2009 1:59 PM
--------------------------------------------

Sorry, jez. this will have to do:

http://www.etonline.com/media/photo/2009/04/87183/400_bobama_mobama_090414_csomodevilla_85979976.jpg

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | April 20, 2009 2:10 PM | Report abuse

I mean Xena. How could I have screwed it up?

Posted by: reddragon1 | April 20, 2009 2:10 PM | Report abuse

Yum. Or a photo of Andy in a swimsuit.

Posted by: jezebel3 | April 20, 2009 1:59 PM
--------------------------------------------

Sorry, jez. this will have to do:

http://www.etonline.com/media/photo/2009/04/87183/400_bobama_mobama_090414_csomodevilla_85979976.jpg

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | April 20, 2009 2:10 PM | Report abuse

LOL! Clever.

Posted by: jezebel3 | April 20, 2009 2:25 PM | Report abuse

This is kind of like some sort of Patrick Swayze Syndrome (not talking about his current bout with cancer, stick with me - I'm not dissing The Swayze).

At his prime, I remember some critic pointed out that Patrick Swayze's Joffrey Ballet honed, Greek God-like body didn't quite match his "grease monkey" head. (I believe this right around the Chris Farley/Chippendale's skit on SNL, when he was sporting the huge mullet).

So I think we've got a disconnect between the obviously honed physique Jake has been working on (though I'm gonna say Swayze at his peak possessed the better physique :D ), and the Emo and/or Romance Novel Hero soulful look with long hair he's sporting here. Just doesn't quite inspire as much feminine ooooohing and aaaaahing as the Hollywood execs might think.

Posted by: Chasmosaur1 | April 20, 2009 2:27 PM | Report abuse

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2008/10/13/article-1077240-0217BD45000005DC-776_468x702.jpg

Annnnd the balance has been restored!

THAT IS ALL!!!

CARRY ON!!!

Posted by: wadejg | April 20, 2009 2:54 PM | Report abuse

The first thing that popped into my head on seeing this photo was Jesus of Nazareth. Who was that actor? Robert something.

Anyway, Jake is following the Madonna school of thought -- get into the best shape of your life, have photos taken without clothes, then spend the rest of your life thinking you can get that body back again even though you're older now.

As for the hair, cultivated beard and chest -- bottom line is he looks ridiculous.

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | April 20, 2009 3:00 PM | Report abuse

Actually, the more I look at that bad hair on him, the more I see either the Mona Lisa or Marlo Thomas as "That Girl"! Someone probably worked hard on that.

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | April 20, 2009 3:03 PM | Report abuse

The first thing that popped into my head on seeing this photo was Jesus of Nazareth.

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | April 20, 2009 3:00 PM | Report abuse

Jesus was buff? Who knew?

Posted by: jezebel3 | April 20, 2009 3:10 PM | Report abuse

wadejg:

Ah.... thank you.

Here's one to tip the balance away from cheesiness:

http://simplyazumi.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/michael-phelps-picture-3.jpg

Posted by: Chasmosaur1 | April 20, 2009 3:13 PM | Report abuse

If you're thinking Passion of the Christ Jesus of Nazareth, it's James Cavaziel.

mdreader, I am gagging on brain bleach--just MENTION of that Fitness Made Simple freak makes my skin crawl. Seriously, his head is a separate screw-on part to his body.

Posted by: sorcerers_cat | April 20, 2009 3:21 PM | Report abuse

"Jesus of Nazareth" mini-series:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0075520/

Posted by: jezebel3 | April 20, 2009 3:28 PM | Report abuse

Yum. Or a photo of Andy in a swimsuit.

Posted by: jezebel3 | April 20, 2009 1:59 PM
--------------------------------------------

http://cm1.theinsider.com/media/0/63/50/andy-roddick-shirtless_329x496.0.0.0x0.329x496.jpeg

You didn't say which Andy, Jez, so I humbly submit this one for your approval. (Although not quite a swimsuit, it's close enough for government work.)

Posted by: northgs | April 20, 2009 3:37 PM | Report abuse

wadejg,
thanks. i needed that.

Posted by: memphis1 | April 20, 2009 3:40 PM | Report abuse

but i needed *this* more!

http://johnozed.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/07/daniel_craig_300x400.jpg

Posted by: memphis1 | April 20, 2009 3:44 PM | Report abuse

At his prime, I remember some critic pointed out that Patrick Swayze's Joffrey Ballet honed, Greek God-like body didn't quite match his "grease monkey" head.

Posted by: Chasmosaur1 | April 20, 2009 2:27 PM

========
How do we know that the Greek gods didn't have grease monkey hair?


mdreader, I am gagging on brain bleach--just MENTION of that Fitness Made Simple freak makes my skin crawl.

Posted by: sorcerers_cat | April 20, 2009 3:21 PM
========
I'm sorry. I thought pasty Jack Black would neutralize the effects of tanorexic John Basedow.

Posted by: mdreader01 | April 20, 2009 3:47 PM | Report abuse

That photo of the cyclists in NON-black shorts makes me think cyclists are an under-represented population in romantic fiction...

Posted by: ishkabibbleA | April 20, 2009 3:47 PM | Report abuse

Robert Powell. Star of "Jesus of Nazareth."
http://www.excerptsofinri.com/images/494preach_temple.jpg

Something about the center part and the big eyes.

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | April 20, 2009 3:53 PM | Report abuse

mdreader:

Not my quote - I was actually paraphrasing the critic. I just remember the word play because it was amusing.

Posted by: Chasmosaur1 | April 20, 2009 4:16 PM | Report abuse

Ack! Are you trying to kill me? Now you've mentioned his NAME too! More bleach! More bleach! ;-)

Posted by: sorcerers_cat | April 20, 2009 4:20 PM | Report abuse

Sorcerers Cat, if you can tolerate looking at one more picture of he who shall remain nameless, then look at the caption, I think it'll make you smile:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/petroleumjelliffe/3074747/

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | April 20, 2009 4:38 PM | Report abuse

And here's a good April Fool story about he who shall remain nameless:

http://www.ramdac.org/2005/fitness-made-not-so-simple-anymore.html

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | April 20, 2009 4:40 PM | Report abuse

Oh God, Sas. I feel ill. Really. He's just so incredibly skeevy. Meet me in the Tiki bar--you owe me a double for sending me to those links.

Posted by: sorcerers_cat | April 20, 2009 5:00 PM | Report abuse

Yes, Ma'm! Coming right up!

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | April 20, 2009 5:03 PM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

 
 
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