Jake Gyllenhaal, Ab-solutely Cheezy

I gotta ask after looking at that pix of jake and lance taking a break from riding:

Do bicycle pants actually offer any benefit -- comfort, aerodynamics, whatever -- to a bicycle rider?

Because so far the only effect I've ever discerned has been on the casual onlooker. They either lose a meal, skip a meal due to complete loss of appetite or are forced to substitute brain bleach for a meal.

And Jake, the abs definitely need more work.

(is there a friday list here: stars w/potential who turn to cheez when they fall in love)

I think Jake is a perfect candidate to replace Fabio in the "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" ads.

Biking shorts have lots of padding (often gel like stuff) where you sit, otherwise a few hours on a bike seat can cause pain and even brusing.

But attractive they are not.

Could we please have the daniel craig photo link to help restore balance to the universe?

Amen, memphis1!

Hey Liz, just go ahead and start every post with the Daniel Craig link. Thankyouverymuch.

Oh yeah, and that movie pretty much promises to be a turkey. Gobble gobble, Jake!

So was this for his cover shoot for Details or for Honcho?

Give that man a hoodie and a ponytail holder.

I'd rather see him with his shirt off than, say, Jack Black.

Still, that "Fitness Made Simple" pose is for fashion models and body building meat heads.

Hey Liz, you forgot Jake's lead role in Jarhead in 2005. An okay performance in a GREAT movie.

One of the linked pix must really be interesting, because my Net Nanny said NO.

As cheesy as that Jake photo is, be glad that it's not a photo of some old, 20 lb overweight, balding, shirtless cryptid in bicycle shorts. I hear through the grapevine that such a photo was considered for use as an enhanced interrogation technique, but even john Yoo and David Addington considered it to be beyond the pale.

You want bike short? I got your bike shorts RIGHT HERE:

http://www.alivewithlove.com/cyclists.html

I love Jake but that long stringy oily looking hair is so gross. It does not become him!

Could we please have the daniel craig photo link to help restore balance to the universe?

Posted by: memphis1 | April 20, 2009 11:16 AM | Report abuse

Yum. Or a photo of Andy in a swimsuit.

Jake Gyllenhaal and Mattew McConaghey. Dude!

Liz, don't be hatin on the Beastmaster. That show was at least as good as Red Sonya, or Conan the Barbarian, though the mythology was not up to Hercules standards, or even Zena, Warrior Princess.

Yum. Or a photo of Andy in a swimsuit.

Posted by: jezebel3 | April 20, 2009 1:59 PM
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Sorry, jez. this will have to do:

http://www.etonline.com/media/photo/2009/04/87183/400_bobama_mobama_090414_csomodevilla_85979976.jpg

I mean Xena. How could I have screwed it up?

Yum. Or a photo of Andy in a swimsuit.

Posted by: jezebel3 | April 20, 2009 1:59 PM
--------------------------------------------

Sorry, jez. this will have to do:

http://www.etonline.com/media/photo/2009/04/87183/400_bobama_mobama_090414_csomodevilla_85979976.jpg

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | April 20, 2009 2:10 PM | Report abuse

LOL! Clever.

This is kind of like some sort of Patrick Swayze Syndrome (not talking about his current bout with cancer, stick with me - I'm not dissing The Swayze).

At his prime, I remember some critic pointed out that Patrick Swayze's Joffrey Ballet honed, Greek God-like body didn't quite match his "grease monkey" head. (I believe this right around the Chris Farley/Chippendale's skit on SNL, when he was sporting the huge mullet).

So I think we've got a disconnect between the obviously honed physique Jake has been working on (though I'm gonna say Swayze at his peak possessed the better physique :D ), and the Emo and/or Romance Novel Hero soulful look with long hair he's sporting here. Just doesn't quite inspire as much feminine ooooohing and aaaaahing as the Hollywood execs might think.

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2008/10/13/article-1077240-0217BD45000005DC-776_468x702.jpg

Annnnd the balance has been restored!

THAT IS ALL!!!

CARRY ON!!!

The first thing that popped into my head on seeing this photo was Jesus of Nazareth. Who was that actor? Robert something.

Anyway, Jake is following the Madonna school of thought -- get into the best shape of your life, have photos taken without clothes, then spend the rest of your life thinking you can get that body back again even though you're older now.

As for the hair, cultivated beard and chest -- bottom line is he looks ridiculous.

Actually, the more I look at that bad hair on him, the more I see either the Mona Lisa or Marlo Thomas as "That Girl"! Someone probably worked hard on that.

The first thing that popped into my head on seeing this photo was Jesus of Nazareth.

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | April 20, 2009 3:00 PM | Report abuse

Jesus was buff? Who knew?

wadejg:

Ah.... thank you.

Here's one to tip the balance away from cheesiness:

http://simplyazumi.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/michael-phelps-picture-3.jpg

If you're thinking Passion of the Christ Jesus of Nazareth, it's James Cavaziel.

mdreader, I am gagging on brain bleach--just MENTION of that Fitness Made Simple freak makes my skin crawl. Seriously, his head is a separate screw-on part to his body.

"Jesus of Nazareth" mini-series:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0075520/

Yum. Or a photo of Andy in a swimsuit.

Posted by: jezebel3 | April 20, 2009 1:59 PM
--------------------------------------------

http://cm1.theinsider.com/media/0/63/50/andy-roddick-shirtless_329x496.0.0.0x0.329x496.jpeg

You didn't say which Andy, Jez, so I humbly submit this one for your approval. (Although not quite a swimsuit, it's close enough for government work.)

wadejg,
thanks. i needed that.

but i needed *this* more!

http://johnozed.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/07/daniel_craig_300x400.jpg

At his prime, I remember some critic pointed out that Patrick Swayze's Joffrey Ballet honed, Greek God-like body didn't quite match his "grease monkey" head.

Posted by: Chasmosaur1 | April 20, 2009 2:27 PM

========
How do we know that the Greek gods didn't have grease monkey hair?

mdreader, I am gagging on brain bleach--just MENTION of that Fitness Made Simple freak makes my skin crawl.

Posted by: sorcerers_cat | April 20, 2009 3:21 PM
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I'm sorry. I thought pasty Jack Black would neutralize the effects of tanorexic John Basedow.

That photo of the cyclists in NON-black shorts makes me think cyclists are an under-represented population in romantic fiction...

Robert Powell. Star of "Jesus of Nazareth."
http://www.excerptsofinri.com/images/494preach_temple.jpg

Something about the center part and the big eyes.

mdreader:

Not my quote - I was actually paraphrasing the critic. I just remember the word play because it was amusing.

Ack! Are you trying to kill me? Now you've mentioned his NAME too! More bleach! More bleach! ;-)

Sorcerers Cat, if you can tolerate looking at one more picture of he who shall remain nameless, then look at the caption, I think it'll make you smile:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/petroleumjelliffe/3074747/

And here's a good April Fool story about he who shall remain nameless:

http://www.ramdac.org/2005/fitness-made-not-so-simple-anymore.html

Oh God, Sas. I feel ill. Really. He's just so incredibly skeevy. Meet me in the Tiki bar--you owe me a double for sending me to those links.

Yes, Ma'm! Coming right up!