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Posted at 8:35 AM ET, 05/ 7/2009

Assault Charge Could Land Kiefer Sutherland Back in Jail

By Liz Kelly
Thursday

Headlines: Former spokeswoman sues Michael Jackson for $44 million... Jimmy Fallon wins Person of the Year Webby... Kirstie Alley blames skewed vegetarian diet for weight gain... Hayden Panettiere, Bristol Palin team up to talk about teen pregancy... Joel Madden blasts paparazzi for scaring daughter Harlow.

Crime Watch: Headbutt assault charge could land Kiefer Sutherland back in jail... Tyler Perry's alleged stalker indicted.

Pix: Victoria Beckham's new Emporio Armani ad... Lindsay Lohan channels Marilyn Monroe yet again.

Video: Zach Galifianakis interviews Natalie Portman on the latest "Between Two Ferns" (use headphones -- some slightly NSFW language):

Rumor Mill: Alleged Jon Gosselin mistress says her brother's lying... Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson in heated late night tete-a-tete... Did Miss California lie about topless photos?... Stanley Tucci loses wife to cancer... Ryan Reynolds "X-Men" movie in the works... Details of supposed Sarah Jessica Parker surrogate surface online... Reps deny secret meeting between Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt... Daniel Radcliffe newest buddy is kind of a drag.

Say What?
"I don't know. I'm assuming, like, whoever pays my bills. I never ask about that stuff." -- Paris Hilton, making it clear she's not the accountant.

Chat Day: Join me at 2 p..m ET for this week's Celebritology Live chat. Then, stick around for The "Lost" Hour at 3 p.m. ET.

By Liz Kelly  | May 7, 2009; 8:35 AM ET
Categories:  Daily Mix  
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Next: 'Lost' Dueling Analysis: 'Follow the Leader'

Comments

From what I'm hearing vis-a-vis my super comic book nerd friends...If they are going to give Ryan Reynolds his own (I'm assuming) "Deadpool" movie, they have a lot of "fixing" to do, appearantly they ruined the entire "Deadpool Story" in that Wolverine movie.

I'm not a comic book nerd (I'm other types of nerd) so I wouldn't know.

Is it 14:59 on Miss California yet? I couldn't be more over this chick, at least Miss Teen South Carolina from a few years ago was funny-stupid.

Posted by: VTDuffman | May 7, 2009 8:43 AM | Report abuse

"Jimmy Fallon wins Person of the Year Webby." Unless "Webby" means something that completely negates the previous seven words (like, "Psych!" or "NOT."), I didn't even know this could be an actual sentence in English.


"Kirstie Alley blames skewed vegetarian diet for weight gain." Just how much lettuce did she eat?


I suspect that Bristol Palin will tell us that the only 100% effective form of birth control is hypocrisy, but what is
Hayden Panettiere going to tell us? That boys will leave you alone if all you talk about is saving dolphins?


Another assault charge - you people need to send Kiefer Sutherland back to where he came from.


Lindsay Lohan's transformation is complete: the one-time up-and-coming star is now a celebrity impersonator.


"Did Miss California lie about topless photos?" Only if she said they were worth looking at.

Posted by: byoolin1 | May 7, 2009 8:57 AM | Report abuse

"Just how much lettuce did she eat?"

Kirstie Alley's "Vegetarian Diet" consisted of nothing but eggs, milk, and cheese.

Posted by: VTDuffman | May 7, 2009 9:06 AM | Report abuse

"Former spokeswoman sues Michael Jackson for $44 million" -- Ola Ray again?

"Hayden Panettiere, Bristol Palin team up to talk about teen pregancy" -- Well, girls, first you need to find a cute guy....

"Lindsay Lohan channels Marilyn Monroe yet again." -- Judging by her roots, I'd say she's channeling Madonna more than Marilyn. Ick. Nast.

"Reps deny secret meeting between Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt" -- What's all this "secret meeting" stuff? They were married once after all; maybe he's returning an Emmy he found in his car or something. "Secret meeting" makes it sound like they're Dick Cheney at an undisclosed location on Maryland's Eastern Shore. Or Jon Gosselin and that girl at the bar. Either way, whatevs.

"Daniel Radcliffe newest buddy is kind of a drag." -- Oh man, if he is gay (and I'm not saying he is), he'd better wait until the last Harry Potter movie comes out before he himself does. Emma and Rupert better move some of their money into bonds just in case the cash cow dries up.

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | May 7, 2009 9:14 AM | Report abuse

Kirstie Alley's "Vegetarian Diet" consisted of nothing but eggs, milk, and cheese.

Posted by: VTDuffman | May 7, 2009 9:06 AM

****

So *that* explains all those references to "World's Largest Omelettes" when you google her name.

Posted by: byoolin1 | May 7, 2009 9:15 AM | Report abuse

anyone who would boycott Harry Potter because Dan is gay is probably already doing so since JKR outed Dumbledore

Posted by: mcleve | May 7, 2009 9:22 AM | Report abuse

I am shocked that a big animal rights activist like Hayden Panettiere who have anything to with the Palins. Hayden risked her life to prevent Japanese fisherman from slaughtering dolphins. I'm sure the Palins would have shot the dolphins and eaten them for dinner.

Posted by: buffysummers | May 7, 2009 9:27 AM | Report abuse

Kirstie Alley's "Vegetarian Diet" consisted of nothing but eggs, milk, and cheese.

Posted by: VTDuffman | May 7, 2009 9:06 AM

****

If that's true, Kirstie can revive the old Cloverland Dairy jingle as a spokeswoman:

"Milk and butter and eggs and cheese
Fresh from the farm to you
If you don't own a cow
Call Kirstie A. now
At North 9-2222"

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | May 7, 2009 9:28 AM | Report abuse

Apparently Miss California's polaroids have perverts everywhere reconsidering things:

"Masked men set porn store alight" http://tinyurl.com/dnbqou

Posted by: byoolin1 | May 7, 2009 9:37 AM | Report abuse

"anyone who would boycott Harry Potter because Dan is gay is probably already doing so since JKR outed Dumbledore" - Not that I personally care either way but "outing" a character in a book and having your leading man "come out" are two very different things.

Kirstie Alley really needs to stop talking. A lot of the plus size actresses spend way to much time talking about loosing weight. And, the skin and bones actresses spend way to much time talking about how they really do eat.


Posted by: Vienna8425 | May 7, 2009 9:41 AM | Report abuse

Michael has a really big problem on his hands because he only has one scary Chucky's sister doll.

Hey Kirstie, deep-fried tempura veggies will not help you lose weight and I seriously doubt that the spare tire you have around the middle is due to 30lb grannie-panties.

Wouldn't have recognized Victoria Beckham without the Jackie-O sunglasses and 6inch heels.

Lilo, perhaps you can borrow Kirstie's 30lb grannie panties to help fill you out to complete the Marilyn Monroe look.

Paris, I heard Michael say the same thing just recently.

Posted by: hodie | May 7, 2009 9:50 AM | Report abuse

What does it say about our planet if Paris Hilton is the single busiest person on it?

Posted by: jes11 | May 7, 2009 10:00 AM | Report abuse

I always wanted to use 'tatooed bisexual rocker' in a sentence. Damn Star magazine beat me to it.

Posted by: jes11 | May 7, 2009 10:16 AM | Report abuse

LieLow doesn't look remotely like Marilyn, Zach Galifianakis isn't funny and Kirstie must have been on the Joel Robuchon diet of pommes puree: two pounds of potatoes and 2 sticks of butter.

Posted by: kabuki3 | May 7, 2009 10:34 AM | Report abuse

I want the WEBBYS broadcast on TV. Imagine, a awards show where winners' acceptance speeches are limited to five words.

That's all you need.

"Thank you very much" is four words and you still have one left over for the censors, which you can put anywhere you'd like.

Posted by: mdreader01 | May 7, 2009 10:38 AM | Report abuse

I have to say that is a really bad picture of Lindsay Lohan. Nothing glam about it.

Posted by: JLRGG | May 7, 2009 10:38 AM | Report abuse

Kirstie Alley's "Vegetarian Diet" consisted of nothing but eggs, milk, and cheese.

Posted by: VTDuffman | May 7, 2009 9:06 AM

****

So *that* explains all those references to "World's Largest Omelettes" when you google her name.

Posted by: byoolin1

And bread, you guys forgot the bread - whole bakeries of the stuff....are doughnuts vegetarian? I bet they are in Kirstie's world.

Posted by: VaLGaL | May 7, 2009 10:40 AM | Report abuse

'tatooed bisexual rocker'
***
sorry, haven't had coffee yet, thus can't help myself: tattooed.

Posted by: frieda406 | May 7, 2009 12:01 PM | Report abuse

Today's Celebritology, in verse.

Michael Jackson lawsuits
Dirty dish-blond hair roots
Abstinant Panitierre
Armani underwear
Pittiston had a secret meeting?
Mr. Gosselin, you've been cheating!
Jimmy Fallon says five-word thanks
and Kirstie Alley needs 30 lb Spanx!

Posted by: mdreader01 | May 7, 2009 12:01 PM | Report abuse

Glad to see there was no deterioration in the quality of discussion while I was in Chi-town (Chicagoans hate it when you call it that, just like Bay area people hate Frisco and St. Louisans hate "Saint Louie.")

WGAF if Radcliffe is gay or bi?

Speaking of which Lilo isn't so bad a Madgilyn, as long as you do not compare it to any actual person, living or dead.

Note to self: Don't ask Paris Hilton to do your taxes next year.

Posted by: reddragon1 | May 7, 2009 12:10 PM | Report abuse

PS,

It is too late for Kiefer. He keeps forgetting he's not on the set of "24." They should never have let him torture anyone. I demand a congressional investigation.

Posted by: reddragon1 | May 7, 2009 12:11 PM | Report abuse

Michael, when EVEYRONE sues you, it's time to stop being Peter Pan and start paying attention.

I don't know if Daniel Radcliffe is gay, but he does seem to be going the Macaulay Caulkin child star route. Someone should stop him soon.

Posted by: epjd | May 7, 2009 12:12 PM | Report abuse

mdreader,

Great pome. Too bad nothing rhymes with "Is Danny Radcliffe going all clayakin on us?"

Posted by: reddragon1 | May 7, 2009 12:51 PM | Report abuse

SJP and MB seem to be sane in a world of crazy celebs, so I hope that article isn't true and they didn't pick a crazy surrogate, and aren't trying the age-old "let's have a baby (or in this case, two) to try to fix our marriage." Amazing to me that people still think that will work in the long run.

What was funny was seeing the headline "The surrogate mother carrying Sarah Jessica Parker's twin girls is a tattooed bisexual rocker" with a photo of Angelina Jolie right below it. I swear I thought for a sec Angelina was their surrogate!

LiLo, you really need to get away from the celeb world. You're descending painfully rapidly into pathetic-ness.

Posted by: Californian11 | May 7, 2009 12:52 PM | Report abuse

Ep, I don't see the parallels between Radcliffe's and Culkin's careers. As for their "buddies," Culkin's was Michael Jackson. At least Radcliffe's is an *out* gay drag queen.

Posted by: northgs | May 7, 2009 12:53 PM | Report abuse

Californian11, reddragon,

Here's the REAL question of the day:

When SJP brings home the new tykes, who will Matthew Broderick want to go clubbing with? Jon Gosselin or Daniel Radcliffe?

Posted by: mdreader01 | May 7, 2009 2:00 PM | Report abuse

I liked the article headline in the LA Times that said "Paris Hilton is, like, deposed".

What a twit. Interchange vowels as needed.

Posted by: sorcerers_cat | May 7, 2009 3:55 PM | Report abuse

sorcerers_cat, which vowels are we to interchange? Sorry to be so obtuse.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | May 7, 2009 4:04 PM | Report abuse

Since we oft speculate about the sexual orientation of celebs here, I just found this link at TWOP today:
http://planetout.com/entertainment/2009/05/mash-actor-comes-out.html

This one was under the radar for me (I kill myself).

Posted by: epjd | May 7, 2009 4:24 PM | Report abuse

Nosy, you trade the "i" in "twit" for an "a".

Byoolin says, "Send Kiefer Sutherland back where he came from..."

http://instantrimshot.com/

Am I the only one who found Byoolin's comment to be hilarious?

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | May 7, 2009 4:41 PM | Report abuse

Was Kristen Wiig separated at birth from Victoria Beckham?

Compare this to day's picture of Victoira Beckham in the ad:

http://media.timeoutnewyork.com/resizeImage/htdocs/export_images/623/623.x600.ft.fp.intro.wiig.jpg?

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | May 7, 2009 4:47 PM | Report abuse

Re "twit": Thanks, Sas... I think.

Byoolin commentaries are so frequently hilarious that it's hardly news.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | May 7, 2009 4:52 PM | Report abuse

Sorry Nosy, I don't much like that word either, hence the delicate approach to it ;-)

Posted by: sorcerers_cat | May 7, 2009 5:22 PM | Report abuse

sorcerers_cat, I was/am tired from overwork, thus not so quick on the uptake lately. Sorry. (Don't care for that word much, either).

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | May 7, 2009 5:26 PM | Report abuse

S'okay Nosy, I'm yawning my way through the afternoon just now. Must caffeinnate, stat!

In fact, I'm so exhausted I think the byoo remark Sas was mentioning probably went right over my head--I'll have to go back and look again ;-)

Posted by: sorcerers_cat | May 7, 2009 6:13 PM | Report abuse

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