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Posted at 11:55 AM ET, 06/17/2009

Heidi and Spencer's Guide to Fame

By Liz Kelly

Famous people Heidi and Spencer Pratt. (AP)

Heidi (nee Montag) and Spencer Pratt (aka Speidi, aka Heincer), the vapid, yet scarily demented "Hills" bimbos who recently turned "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here" into their own personal PR machine have gone all magnanimous on us. Yesterday -- in what could mark the first instance of a "For Dummies" book written by dummies -- the ditzy duo announced plans to co-write a book on how to get famous.

Said Heidi to Access Hollywood: "We co-wrote this book. It's going to be a life-changing book to civilization."

To which Spencer replied: "Very good quote. Thank you Heidi."

Though sure to become required reading for aspiring reality show dimwits, the rest of us will likely take a pass in favor of something less painful. Like a colonoscopy or an inner eyelid tattoo. Still, it might be worth prognosticating Speidi's likely guidance in all things fame-related.

Below, my suggestions for points to include in the book:

1

Too much schooling makes for bad reality. When was the last time you saw a big brain pull in big-time reality ratings? My point, exactly. The dumber, the betterer.

2

Take an interest in politics and popular social causes, like humanitarian aid or the Second Amendment.

3

Nothing says famous like rage-aholic religious nut.

4

Take advantage of a burgeoning pandemic to ensure your honeymoon is amply covered in the press. Bonus points for getting snapped wearing surgical masks or biohazard suits.

5

If you're going to record a pop song, a beach-writhing video is mandatory.

6

For the guys, this fame stuff is simple: patchy flesh-toned facial hair, delusions of grandeur and a rap song that makes K-Fed look like Dr. Dre.

7

Pose for Playboy. Duh.

8

If attacked by a morning show anchor, immediately accuse him of demonic possession.

9

When all else fails, cry.

10

[Add your suggestions in the comments section below.]

By Liz Kelly  | June 17, 2009; 11:55 AM ET
Categories:  Celebrities, Celebrity Life Lessons  
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Comments

Torture is a hot topic right now in Washington. Bring more attention to yourself by claiming you have been tortured by your producers.

Posted by: hodie | June 17, 2009 12:06 PM | Report abuse

Get sick. Failing this, adopt a child with a disease - the more obscure, the better. Then talk about it so much you attain the status of "expert" as designated by Oprah.

Posted by: northgs | June 17, 2009 12:28 PM | Report abuse

Before embarking on your relationship, be sure your names can be combined into a cute, easy to remember "couple name."

Posted by: northgs | June 17, 2009 12:35 PM | Report abuse

Threats of a lawsuit from Sarah Palin thwarted their plans to add chapter 10: "Pick a fight with a late night TV talk show host."

Posted by: mdreader01 | June 17, 2009 12:37 PM | Report abuse

Do you really think they are THAT stupid? I ask in seriousness, not in a snarky way. How do we know we are not all in on some Andy Kaufman type of prank? I mean, no one can really be that dumb, right? The more quotes I read from them, the more I think this is some elaborate scam.

Maybe I am giving them too much credit... but think about it...

Posted by: Osteph | June 17, 2009 12:41 PM | Report abuse

Hone your public speaking skills so that you cannot verbalize more than two coherent sentences within resorting to "Celeb Speak."

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | June 17, 2009 12:44 PM | Report abuse

In my personal experience, whenever we try to idiot-proof something, someone builds a bigger idiot. So yes, they are that stupid.

Posted by: reddragon1 | June 17, 2009 12:45 PM | Report abuse

My case in point:

Said Heidi to Access Hollywood: "We co-wrote this book. It's going to be a life-changing book to civilization."

To which Spencer replied: "Very good quote. Thank you Heidi."

Really? ..... I mean, Really?

Posted by: Osteph | June 17, 2009 12:45 PM | Report abuse

Osteph, given that just yesterday I heard a teenager expressing genuine, un-ironic shocked disbelief that the New York City subway runs through tunnels (there's a wall outside the train!), while riding on said subway... I'm gonna say yes, there really are humans that dumb out there. (Although she might just have been a slower-than-average tourist: she had a wicked Lon-Giland accent.)

Heincer really did accomplish a work of genius in becoming recognized as "celebrities."

Posted by: northgs | June 17, 2009 12:58 PM | Report abuse

"In my personal experience, whenever we try to idiot-proof something, someone builds a bigger idiot."

WELL said. I'm going to borrow that, reddragon.

Posted by: ishkabibbleA | June 17, 2009 1:00 PM | Report abuse

I was just thinking these two are either the most stupidest people on earth or the most brilliant...there is definately no middle ground. But I'm gonna have to go with northgs, people ARE just that stupid. I should know, I work with a few.

Posted by: zn123 | June 17, 2009 1:10 PM | Report abuse

In other news, Conquest, War, Famine, and Death, better known to the Western world as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse from the Bible's Book Of Revelations, have announced their retirement.

In a prepared statement, the Feared Four said their retirement was for unspecified "personal reasons," immediately renewing speculation that the announcement by Heidi and Spencer Pratt that they were writing a book was behind the Horsemen's move.

Unnamed sources close to the four have said that some of the group viewed the Pratts' book as proof that their services were no longer required. One Horseman is said to have uttered in frustration, "How can we [expletive deleted] compete with THAT?" when told of the book deal.

Heincer have declined to comment directly on the news of the Four Horsemen's retirement, but Heidi Pratt did say that she was looking forward to riding a horse while topless during an upcoming photo shoot for Playboy magazine.

Posted by: byoolin1 | June 17, 2009 1:12 PM | Report abuse

Announce you will run for president in 2028.

Posted by: hodie | June 17, 2009 1:18 PM | Report abuse

byoo - I have no words.

Posted by: LTL1 | June 17, 2009 1:24 PM | Report abuse

Wait a minute.

The ratings for "The Hills" are dropping.

Album sales have dropped off 45% from last year.

"I'm a Celebrity" experiences it's lowest ratings ever.

Book sales are down nationwide.

Playboy just narrowly avoided Chapter 11.

What's next for Heincer? Designing sport utility vehicles?

Posted by: mdreader01 | June 17, 2009 1:30 PM | Report abuse

Osteph, does it matter? Andy Kaufman's schtick got old, too. Not to mention, it killed him.

Posted by: memphis1 | June 17, 2009 2:35 PM | Report abuse

Make sure you go to the jungle and wave your new dry hair shampoo product (even without the label) in front of the camera at every opportunity while crying that someone stole said label.

Posted by: jackdmom | June 17, 2009 2:36 PM | Report abuse

mdreader, you may be on to something. think we could get them to sign on to the memphis' mayor's congressional campaign?

Posted by: memphis1 | June 17, 2009 2:36 PM | Report abuse

Yes, memphis, it doesn't really matter, it is just that everytime I hear anything about them , I get this nagging feeling like they are sitting at home, laughing their arses off at everyone. It just interests me a bit, I suppose.

Posted by: Osteph | June 17, 2009 2:41 PM | Report abuse

Well, I think we can all safely assume that "Have any discernable talent whatsoever" will NOT be a chapter in said book.

Posted by: VTDuffman | June 17, 2009 2:43 PM | Report abuse

Heincer have declined to comment directly on the news of the Four Horsemen's retirement, but Heidi Pratt did say that she was looking forward to riding a horse while topless during an upcoming photo shoot for Playboy magazine.

Posted by: byoolin1 | June 17, 2009 1:12 PM

---------------------------------------------
Byoolin, is there any truth to the rumor that Heidi asked if Mister Ed is one of the Four Horsemen?

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | June 17, 2009 2:54 PM | Report abuse

I've been doing a journeyman's job of avoiding these twits so far. I'm going to continue to do so no matter how difficult it becomes.

Posted by: yellojkt | June 17, 2009 3:07 PM | Report abuse

Hold on! Perhaps someone can capitalize on Heincer's love of firearms to persuade them to enter the revived Twit of the Year Contest.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k5ba1OKY7Xc

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | June 17, 2009 3:22 PM | Report abuse

I think Heidi dated Mr. Ed, but then found out after the 12th date that he was a gelding.
I also think he's a she and she's a he...some sort of Victor/Victoria thing going on, which will be sorted out during the Playboy shoot.

Posted by: possum_pouch | June 17, 2009 4:00 PM | Report abuse

Folie a deux...shared psychotic disorder.

Posted by: jen8 | June 17, 2009 4:50 PM | Report abuse

Separately or together they represent the best example for a new organ donation program - First living brain donors.

Clearly neither of them is using any of their grey matter for anything useful. Hopefully whoever gets one of their brains will put it to a much better purpose - like curing cancer or bring peace to the Middle East.

Guess I would even settle for a coherent sentence about something other than either one of them.

Posted by: meoconnell81 | June 17, 2009 5:02 PM | Report abuse

"Clearly neither of them is using any of their grey matter for anything useful."

O'Connell, I worry that the opposite is true - that what we see is Heincer using every last bit of brain power available to them after the autonomic nervous system gets its cut.

They may very well be all stem, no brain.

Posted by: byoolin1 | June 17, 2009 5:12 PM | Report abuse

I know it's kind of late in the day, but does anyone know why SJP has a surrogate bun oven?

Yours truly,

Curmudgeon

Posted by: bmschumacher | June 17, 2009 5:51 PM | Report abuse

OK, Lizards. Liz asked for help with #10 and we're not just letting her down, we're letting Heincer down. They could really use the expertise of trained, experienced celebritologists.

So I will contribute a few new milestones on the path to fame that Heincer so covets to trod:

- Develop a substance abuse problem

- Launch a clothing line

- Develop a fragrance (something nicer than the one you developed in Costa Rica, please)

- Date a NY Yankee

- Blog and Twitter 24/7 + friend SamRo on Facebook. I hear she has an opening.

- Come out of the closet

- Join Scientology

Posted by: mdreader01 | June 17, 2009 5:57 PM | Report abuse

Mudge, Isn't SJP kind of old to be carrying a pregnancy, especially since I seem to recall it's twins?

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | June 17, 2009 5:58 PM | Report abuse

mdreader, how about Heincer get matching tattoos, or renew their vows?

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | June 17, 2009 5:59 PM | Report abuse

how about Heincer get matching tattoos, or renew their vows?

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | June 17, 2009 5:59 PM
========
Or better yet, divorce!
But then, there would be twice as many TV appearances....

Posted by: mdreader01 | June 17, 2009 6:49 PM | Report abuse

mdreader, even better yet, divorced then remarried to one another.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | June 17, 2009 9:24 PM | Report abuse

I think the best thing to do is follow E!'s example and start referring to them as "Herpes" and take a poll about whether we ever want the hear about them again or not.

Also, for Liz, LOOK at E!'s homepage! Shannon is back! Claire is back! Charlie is back? Eh, of course he will be.

Hurry it up with the Lost coverage. Please.

Posted by: NotForYou1 | June 18, 2009 2:26 AM | Report abuse

10. Fool everyone into thinking you're as dumb as you look. This only works if you are IN FACT dumber than you look, which Speidi is.
The impression makes a far better claim for fame than the actual intent. Speidi seem to have this down pact. They are smarter than they seem, yet as vapid and misguided as ever.

Posted by: shaggyaggie | June 22, 2009 11:50 AM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

 
 
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