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Posted at 11:15 AM ET, 07/28/2009

Five-Minute Memoir: Joel Madden

By Liz Kelly

(Photo: Getty Images)

Word comes this morning that Joel Madden, who students of Celebritology know best as Nicole Richie's baby daddy, is penning a memoir (Madden says he's not). I hope he is, though -- I'll finally have something to put on the shelf next to this. But what could the 30-year-old Good Charlotte singer possibly have to say? I bet we can sum it up in less than 300 seconds:

I was born in Waldorf, Md., as one half of a set of twins who would go on to get lots of tattoos and, unlikely as it sounds, land a few hits on the pop charts with our generic brand of Green Day derivative whiny-punk-pop. My band's name is Good Charlotte (which was ironic, see, because neither my brother nor I are named Charlotte and plenty of folks thought our music wasn't that good) and for a while there we were really big with kids that shop at Hot Topic. By now I would probably be doing time on the celeb-reality TV circuit if I hadn't happened to meet Lionel Richie's daughter. At first I thought she was just some kind of pudgy second fiddle to Paris Hilton, but an eating disorder made quick work of the pudge. Hell, I can't resist a girl in a maxi dress and a diadem, so before I knew it we were expecting. I'm not crazy about the name Nicole picked for the kid. "Harlow" is just so Hollywood. I had been pushing for "Dundalk" or "Terp," but what Nicole wants, Nicole gets. The whole kid thing worked out really well for our tabloid exposure, so we're doing it again. I'm thinking "Hammerjacks" for a boy, but we'll see.

Now I Twitter, DJ, pose with Harlow and Nicole and rock out with the band (catch us on Aug. 1 at the North Dakota State Fair).

The end?

By Liz Kelly  | July 28, 2009; 11:15 AM ET
Categories:  Celebrities  
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Comments

"The highlight of my career was becoming a virtual trading card in the game Madden 2003 when some obviously disturbed fanboy at EA Sports felt stuffing our overplayed pop-punk 'The Anthem' into the soundtrack just wasnt good enough. To all of you who played the game, and put up with that song over and over and over again - a torture almost as bad as being tied to a chair and forced to watch Beastmaster 2 - I dont apologize. You could always replace the music - I know I did."

Posted by: quintiliusvarus | July 28, 2009 11:49 AM | Report abuse

Hammerjacks. Would that be Hammer or Jack for short?

Posted by: hodie | July 28, 2009 11:58 AM | Report abuse

It would be Ham, as in hamming it up for the tabloids.

Posted by: Guest1234 | July 28, 2009 12:00 PM | Report abuse

Predictably vapid although it would have worked better for the brother, Benji. I say this because wasn't Joel the one to tell ol'Rachel Zoe to get lost because he was worried about Nicole's health?

Posted by: IrishFox | July 28, 2009 12:41 PM | Report abuse

Nice Balmer reference with "Hammerjacks", Liz. That picture of Nicole with the diadem is... well, yeesh. Is she part Muppet?

Posted by: daveydog | July 28, 2009 12:54 PM | Report abuse

daveydog, She does look Muppet-esque. I'm just trying to figure out which one.

Posted by: anonymouslurker | July 28, 2009 1:25 PM | Report abuse

Gotta think Joel is too young to have any genuine memory of Hammerjacks in any of its incarnations. But Dundalk is a great name for a boy. Hon, if it's a girl.

Posted by: yellojkt | July 28, 2009 1:28 PM | Report abuse

anonymouslurker, I believe that would be Janice.

Posted by: MzFitz | July 28, 2009 1:45 PM | Report abuse

daveydog, She does look Muppet-esque. I'm just trying to figure out which one.

Posted by: anonymouslurker
---------------------------------
Janice from the


http://muppet.wikia.com/wiki/File:Janice-MuppetsTV.png

Posted by: yellojkt | July 28, 2009 1:55 PM | Report abuse

MzFitz sniped me. It's Janice from the Electric Mayhem featuring Dr. Teeth.

Posted by: yellojkt | July 28, 2009 1:56 PM | Report abuse

Forward

For those of you picking up this book and expecting to read about my exciting football career and how I became a winning coach, you will be sorely disappointed. I'm just a rock star who knocked up a celebrity daughter. Then again, I don't thing you'd really want to read about John Madden banging Nicole Richie, would you?

Posted by: mdreader01 | July 28, 2009 1:59 PM | Report abuse

I thought we decided yesterday that Donatella Versace was Muppet Janice? I think she is more like Betty Lou from Sesame street.

Posted by: hodie | July 28, 2009 2:38 PM | Report abuse

mdreader.... i for one would buy that book. hell, i'd send copies out for xmas

Posted by: quintiliusvarus | July 28, 2009 2:43 PM | Report abuse

Based on my exhaustive Google image researching, Janice the Muppet also resembles Donna Versace and reality TV 'stars' New York and Daisy.

http://livebythefoma.blogspot.com/2009/07/separated-at-sewing-machine.html

Posted by: yellojkt | July 28, 2009 2:49 PM | Report abuse

hodie,
I can't catch a break on this comment posting. Dang work keeps interfering.

Posted by: yellojkt | July 28, 2009 2:50 PM | Report abuse

I thought we decided yesterday that Donatella Versace was Muppet Janice? I think she is more like Betty Lou from Sesame street. (By she, I mean Nicole.--I really should proofread).

Posted by: hodie | July 28, 2009 3:00 PM | Report abuse

yellojkt- me too!

Posted by: hodie | July 28, 2009 3:02 PM | Report abuse

hodie,
I gave you a shout-out in the blogpost I blatantly blog-{euphemism for prostitution}-ed above. Good call. You know your muppets.

Posted by: yellojkt | July 28, 2009 3:13 PM | Report abuse

So many excellent baby name choices from the State of Maryland (or Merlin, for you locals, also an excellent boy's name). How to choose?

As Liz pointed out, Dundalk is an excellent choice (be sure you pronounce that last syllable as the proper "dock").

Name that girl Anna(polis) or that boy (Bal)Tim(ore). Joel being from Waldorf invites Charles (County) or nearby Calvert (County).

But Hammerjacks? Classic. HEY, HAM! Or combine two defunct area concert venues and name the child Hammerjacks Bohagers Madden. HamBo to you.

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | July 28, 2009 3:28 PM | Report abuse

It always disturbs me when someone in a position of trust, like a rock star, takes advantage of someone weak and vulnerable, like a starlet. I am also a little upset that this blog has made fun of two of my farorite places, Waldof, MD (no R, just like Vajanya) and the North Dakota State Fair, home of the Norsk Hostfest.

Posted by: reddragon1 | July 28, 2009 3:34 PM | Report abuse

Other B-More names:

Natty Bo
Essex
Canton Hiro
Zinc
Hampden
Phillips Crabs
No-Snitchin'
Harbour
Pigtown
Camden
Bertha

Posted by: yellojkt | July 28, 2009 3:37 PM | Report abuse

Balto. name: Willie Don?

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | July 28, 2009 3:41 PM | Report abuse

They could just got the NY borough route and name the child Staten Island.

I'm not seeing New York in Janice, but New York certainly has Muppet features. She's kind of a Miss Piggy.

Posted by: MzFitz | July 28, 2009 3:43 PM | Report abuse

What about:

LaPlata?

Posted by: memphis1 | July 28, 2009 3:44 PM | Report abuse

memphis
LaPlata?

Oooh, you really served that one up on a silver platter, didn't you?

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | July 28, 2009 3:47 PM | Report abuse

Hahaha, these are excellent Bawlmer names! I like Loyola Madden and Towson Madden; they roll so attractively off the tongue. If you really want the experience though, I'd go for the name "Waters". Or possibly "Flamingo".

Hmmm...Flamingo Madden...that would be a good stage name.

Posted by: Bawlmer51 | July 28, 2009 4:10 PM | Report abuse

What does elias howe say about this? I thought he invented the baby namer. Haven't heard from him in eons. Are you lurking out there?

Posted by: hodie | July 28, 2009 4:28 PM | Report abuse

Balto. name: Willie Don?

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | July 28, 2009 3:41 PM
----------
No. But we'll always have Parris.

Posted by: mdreader01 | July 28, 2009 5:30 PM | Report abuse

Well played, mdreader! Sorry not to have seen this till so late, er, early.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | July 29, 2009 9:27 AM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

 
 
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