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Posted at 11:15 AM ET, 07/13/2009

Monday List: Trying on Celeb Souls for Size

By Liz Kelly

Jessica Simpson's soul? (Liz Kelly for washingtonpost.com)

Paul Giamatti, the actor best known for his portrayal of an anal wine enthusiast in 2005's "Sideways" (but who also memorably portrayed the apoplectic Pig Vomit in "Private Parts" and a surprisingly stoic John Adams on HBO), talked to the New Yorker about his new movie, "Cold Souls."

The movie chronicles Giamatti's character after having his soul, which resembles a chickpea, extracted and placed in a soul storage facility. In the New Yorker, Giamatti muses about what the souls of other celebs might look like:

Al Pacino: "It's a liquid, an oily liquid that gets into cracks and crevices, but also has some body to it, so he can do that 'Hoo ha!' thing."

Willie Nelson: "It would be like an ear of roasted corn."

Merle Haggard: "It'd be an engine block. Powerful, but kind of rusty, with lots of buildup."

Donald Trump: "A nice set of whitewall tires."

Jessica Simpson: "I can't get a read off of her, which is why I'm curious. Her soul might just be a tape measure."

Korea's Kim Jong Il: "A crazy box of crabs."

Giamatti may just be king of soul-assigning, but let's see if we can come up with an expanded list of celebs and what image or item each one's soul conjures, or most resembles.

I can't wait to read on.

By Liz Kelly  | July 13, 2009; 11:15 AM ET
Categories:  Celebrities, Friday Lists  
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Comments

Paris Hilton's soul is an unpopped kernal of corn. It was nothing before the heat was applied and it's still nothing after.

Posted by: jes11 | July 13, 2009 11:32 AM | Report abuse

I have to disagree about Donald Trump. His soul is an old bit of orange shag carpet remnant. Not the new stuff that's popping up in stores as throw rugs for dorm rooms, but something like what my grandparents finally pulled up out of their basement after 30+ years of kids and dogs.

Posted by: crunchyfrog | July 13, 2009 12:03 PM | Report abuse

Sarah Palin: An old fan that oscillates erratically and blows only hot air, sometimes containing sparks from its electrically unstable motor.

Posted by: memphis1 | July 13, 2009 12:05 PM | Report abuse

Michael Jackson was a bottle of white-out.

Posted by: hodie | July 13, 2009 12:06 PM | Report abuse

Yes, I'm sure it is white-out because I saw a colleague moonwalk after sniffing it.

Posted by: hodie | July 13, 2009 12:08 PM | Report abuse

Thomas Jane's soul is a 9-inch ruler that is really only a 6-inch ruler.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | July 13, 2009 12:09 PM | Report abuse

Lindsey Lohan - an empty and dried mascara applicator

Bjork
A enamel squid's beak attached to a single copper wire

Posted by: molsonmich | July 13, 2009 12:10 PM | Report abuse

If you believe Dickipedia, the soul of Spencer Prat must be a cabbage patch doll.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | July 13, 2009 12:12 PM | Report abuse

Ok, let's try this again. I'm back from falling off the radar.

Scarlett Johansson would be the red heart pillow with arms that they sell at Ikea.

Jennifer Aniston would be a box of tissues.

Posted by: eet7e | July 13, 2009 12:19 PM | Report abuse

Lindsay Lohan's soul is an aerosol spray. Spray it into a spark and it explodes into a ball of flame. Spray it at a bug and is an insecticide. The Consumer Product Safety Commission is currently investigating the toxicity of Ms. Lohan's soul, so please exercise caution.

Jon Gosslin's soul is a tiny dandelion seed carried into the winds aloft...to St. Tropez and other exotic places. Or maybe I'm just mistaking his soul for his brain.

Kate Gosslin's soul is a deep, dark pit. If her kids are anything like mine, all the flashlights have dead batteries. Run to CVS, Kate!

Madonna's soul is an exquisitely sewn, leathery handbag into which much baggage is stuffed. It's unbelievably heavy and carrying it will give you awesomely muscular forearms.

Britney Spears' soul is like a glob of lubricating jelly, perfect for assisting with births, extricating ex-beaus from tight predicaments, and sliding through from one career disaster to another. It's good for pole dancing too.

Mel Gibson's soul is a remnant of fishnet, keeping the predjudices in while letting the common sense slip out.

Gwynneth Paltrow's soul is like a refreshing bowl of honeydew melon soup--low in calories, chilly, a bit translucent, faintly sweet, and in large doses, purgeative.

Larry King's soul is like an elastic waistband around an old pair of boxer shorts--only resilient enough to avoid embarassment but so loose it no longer chafes.

Posted by: mdreader01 | July 13, 2009 12:20 PM | Report abuse

Not sure what Gwennie's sould would look like, but I am sure it would be properly cleansed and de-toxed.

Posted by: Osteph | July 13, 2009 12:21 PM | Report abuse

I mean soul

Posted by: Osteph | July 13, 2009 12:23 PM | Report abuse

Courtney Love's would be a smoking spent 12-gauge casing... with lipstick around the rim.

Posted by: quintiliusvarus | July 13, 2009 12:26 PM | Report abuse

Paul Giamatti says of Jessica Simpson "I can't get a read off of her, which is why I'm curious. Her soul might just be a tape measure."

Mr. Giamatti should pay the extra money to let Next Day Blinds measure the window treatments.

Posted by: mdreader01 | July 13, 2009 12:28 PM | Report abuse

Katie Holmes' soul is a ShamWow! It is highly absorbant and hyped by a loudmouth pitchman.

Michael Jackson's soul was (is?) a funhouse with weird, uneven floors and a mirror maze which distorts your image and tricks you into thinking you're going somewhere when you are just walking in circles.

Oprah's soul is a glass of V8 fruit juice-- 8 servings of fruits and vegetables with none of the fiber or essential nutrients and only the illusion of consuming something healthy and meaningful.

Posted by: mdreader01 | July 13, 2009 12:39 PM | Report abuse

Oooh, nice take on Katie Holmes, mdreader.

Posted by: Liz Kelly | July 13, 2009 12:46 PM | Report abuse

George Will's soul is an old pair of pleated khaki trousers -- not pants -- with built-in woven fabric belt.

Charles Krauthammer's soul is a bottle of augusta bitters.

Dick Cheney's soul is a miniature black hole.

Donald Rumsfeld's soul is naked GI Joe doll.

George Bush's soul is a late model SUV full of drunken frat boys yelling "Moooo!" at the cows in the field they are passing by. No one in the SUV notices that the fuel gauge is on empty, or that they're in the wrong lane, about to hit an 18-wheeler, head-on.

Angelina Jolie's soul is a scoop of rice pilaf on an otherwise empty Lenox Continental Dining Gold dinner plate that is missing its gold ring.

Dane Cook's soul is....oops, I think I flushed it this morning.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | July 13, 2009 1:03 PM | Report abuse

I could characterize ScarJo's soul as the wet spot on Producer Paul's bed.

But that would be wrong.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | July 13, 2009 1:08 PM | Report abuse

Sas
Donald Rumsfeld's soul is naked GI Joe doll.

You forget to mention some missing limbs, my cryptid friend.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | July 13, 2009 1:15 PM | Report abuse

Sas
Donald Rumsfeld's soul is naked GI Joe doll.

You forget to mention some missing limbs, my cryptid friend.

--------------------------------------------

Those are the other GI Joe dolls that were sent into combat.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | July 13, 2009 1:23 PM | Report abuse

Mdreader, you are a genius. I am in awe.

Posted by: northgs | July 13, 2009 1:30 PM | Report abuse

Angelina Jolie's soul is a butterfly caught in the jet stream, landing only long enough to get swept away by the next updraft, but leaving happiness and good cheer wherever it lands.

Jerry Bruckheimer's soul is a well-choreographed fireworks display; Michael Bay's is a strung-together bunch of cheap (but LOUD) firecrackers. George Lucas' has been tinkered with a few times since its original release, and is best viewed in a digital, wide-screen, THX-certified environment.

Posted by: northgs | July 13, 2009 1:49 PM | Report abuse

Tom Cruise: a Mexican jumping bean

George Bush (ok, he's no celeb but he is infamous): an empty corral

Candy Spelling: Joan Crawford's hanger

Posted by: caroleg1 | July 13, 2009 1:59 PM | Report abuse

Candy Spelling: Joan Crawford's hanger

Posted by: caroleg1 | July 13, 2009 1:59 PM
================
Ooooo....the images that conjures up. [[[shudder]]]

Posted by: mdreader01 | July 13, 2009 2:09 PM | Report abuse

Oh...Sas is getting all political on this little funtime snark-o-rama.

George W. Bush: his soul is like the thin paper used to wrap certain mind altering substances for inhalation consumption, after igniting. It's not the thing that causes the giddy, childlike high, just the tool that delivers it.

Dick Cheney: his "soul" the black hood used at Abu Ghraib. It's designed to keep you in the dark and to keep him from having to confront the pure evil he authorized.

Don Rumsfeld: his soul is Agent Orange.

Posted by: mdreader01 | July 13, 2009 2:17 PM | Report abuse

Chelsea Handler's soul is a disassembled sports car that cannot be put back together.

Bill Kristol's soul is a Methamphetamine lab.

Bernie Madoff's soul is a counterfeit $100 bill.

Angelo Mozilo's soul is an entry for a foreclosure sale on a Muliple Listing Service.

Diane Keaton's soul is a beat up red hat priced at $1 on the leftovers table at a suburban estate sale.

Megan Fox's soul is a case of crabs. Yeah. Those crabs.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | July 13, 2009 2:36 PM | Report abuse

I love! mdreader on Gwyneth:

Gwynneth Paltrow's soul is like a refreshing bowl of honeydew melon soup--low in calories, chilly, a bit translucent, faintly sweet, and in large doses, purgeative.

Posted by: Fruitfly1 | July 13, 2009 2:54 PM | Report abuse

Pamela Anderson's soul is two large (I'm thinking 3 or 4 carat) Cubic Zirconia. Large but not real.

Posted by: hodie | July 13, 2009 2:56 PM | Report abuse

Let me try again.
Pamela Anderson's soul is two large, 3 or 4 carat Cubic Zirconia. Dazzling but not real.

Posted by: hodie | July 13, 2009 2:57 PM | Report abuse

Sas, Here I was thinking you meant a crate filled with crustaceans. Oh, never mind.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | July 13, 2009 2:59 PM | Report abuse

I believe my definition of Paris Hilton's soul would work equally well for Sarah Palin's.

Posted by: jes11 | July 13, 2009 3:05 PM | Report abuse

Dick Cheney's soul looks like whatever George W. sold him so that George could win not one, but TWO elections.

Posted by: jes11 | July 13, 2009 3:06 PM | Report abuse

jes, I was thinking Palin's soul was more like a melting ice sculpture.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | July 13, 2009 3:08 PM | Report abuse

Robert DeNiro's soul is like an old Buick. Once solid and reliable and following a clear path, but now so grateful when the engine turns over it will go anywhere.

Whitney Houston's soul is like an imaginary piano, hyperkinetic and active when you play it yet yielding music no one can hear nor sadly wants to any longer.

Ryan Seacrest's soul is like a cloud of drugstore cologne. Confident yet ephemeral, stimulating yet noxious, and ultimately harmless and forgettable.

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | July 13, 2009 3:11 PM | Report abuse

jes, I was thinking Palin's soul was more like a melting ice sculpture.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | July 13, 2009 3:08 PM | Report abuse

I like that, it's getting smaller and losing form in the heat.

Posted by: jes11 | July 13, 2009 3:18 PM | Report abuse

jes, I was thinking Palin's soul was more like a melting ice sculpture.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | July 13, 2009 3:08 PM | Report abuse

I like that, it's getting smaller and losing form in the heat.

Posted by: jes11 | July 13, 2009 3:18 PM | Report abuse


I assume the sculpture was of a moose. Maybe a dead moose?

Posted by: ASinMoCo | July 13, 2009 3:21 PM | Report abuse

Cheech Marin's soul is a cloud. A fragrant, low-hanging cloud. (Happy birthday, Mr. Marin!)

Posted by: northgs | July 13, 2009 3:26 PM | Report abuse

ASinMoCo, I assume that, at least in Palin's own mind, it was originally Venus.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | July 13, 2009 3:35 PM | Report abuse

Jennifer Anniston soul could be represented by a Kleenix. Nice, soft, but used and tossed away.

Sasha Baron Cohen is the epitome of the bad penny.

Posted by: hodie | July 13, 2009 3:59 PM | Report abuse

Liz, I think you have the representation of Jessica Simpsons soul wrong. I don't think it is one of those retractable measuring tapes, but one of those light flimsy ones a seamstress uses.

Posted by: hodie | July 13, 2009 4:02 PM | Report abuse

The soul of Billy Mays is the headset of the phone of the operator who is standing by to take your order.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | July 13, 2009 4:17 PM | Report abuse

Liz, I think you have the representation of Jessica Simpsons soul wrong. I don't think it is one of those retractable measuring tapes, but one of those light flimsy ones a seamstress uses.

Posted by: hodie | July 13, 2009 4:02 PM
================
Hodie, it's Paul Giamatti's interpretation. Liz is only the conduit here. I'm much more disturbed by the fact that Paul Giamatti has trouble reading a tape measure.

Posted by: mdreader01 | July 13, 2009 4:20 PM | Report abuse

I know this is small-time, but... The soul of Pedro Espada, Jr., newly-named New York State Senate majority leader, is a dirty pair of flip-flops.

Posted by: northgs | July 13, 2009 4:21 PM | Report abuse

The soul of Tony Romo is a pair of cold feet.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | July 13, 2009 4:38 PM | Report abuse

Jennifer Anniston soul could be represented by a Kleenix. Nice, soft, but used and tossed away.

Sasha Baron Cohen is the epitome of the bad penny.

Posted by: hodie | July 13, 2009 3:59 PM | Report abuse
--------------

Hodie, love, I said that earlier. I may have gone away for a while, but I didn't disappear completely. Or, at least, I hope I didn't!

Posted by: eet7e | July 13, 2009 4:40 PM | Report abuse

I really like the dirty flip flops comment.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | July 13, 2009 4:44 PM | Report abuse

Liz liked my Katie Holmes as ShamWow! that I must continue in that vein...


The soul of Rev. Al Sharpton is a generous scoop of Oxy Clean. Just disolve in water and a drug addicted, suspected child molester becomes a model father and noted humanitarian. Rub a little into the contested estate of the late Godfather of Soul and it becomes a good natured family disagreement. And if you choose to use it as a condiment while listening to Don Imus, everything you hear will sound racist.

The soul of Alex Rodriguez is the Hurcules Hook, with the amazing ability to hold ex-wives, major league baseball careers and torrid affairs with aging superstars without cracking your wallboard--with no stud in sight.

And the soul of John Mayer is a snuggie--comfortable at first, until you look at yourself in the mirror and see how ridiculous you are. And just try to walk across the carpet without throwing sparks of static electricity.

Posted by: mdreader01 | July 13, 2009 5:14 PM | Report abuse

sorry eet7e, I truly thought it was my own. My fellow Lizards have permanently seeped into my subconscious. So everyone, credit goes to eet7e.

Posted by: hodie | July 13, 2009 5:15 PM | Report abuse

Ooooo....the images that conjures up. [[[shudder]]]
+++++++++++++++++++++++
Yes--Joan Crawford is scary and so is that Spelling woman ;-)

Posted by: caroleg1 | July 13, 2009 5:30 PM | Report abuse

Daniel Craig's soul is a --- oh, who cares? With that body, who needs a soul.

Victoria Beckham's soul is half a carrot stick and a broccoli floret ("Does this soul make my butt look fat?")

The soul of Megan Fox is a tiny little Angelina Jolie voodoo doll.

-The Poster Formerly Known as Snarky Squirrel

Posted by: 7900rmc | July 13, 2009 6:10 PM | Report abuse

Snarky Squirrel
("Does this soul make my butt look fat?")

And I believe we have our winner, ladies and germs!

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | July 13, 2009 7:01 PM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

 
 
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