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Posted at 10:42 AM ET, 07/ 1/2009

Poetic Justice: Lindsay Lohan, Birthday Girl

By Liz Kelly




Lindsay Lohan at her Vegas birthday fest/tanning lotion promotion. (Getty Images)

Lest we forget, this week we celebrate an important American milestone: Lindsay Lohan's birthday. The one-time tween star turned tabloid darling will be 23 (which is like 87 in Lohan years). Lilo has already kicked off the festivities -- she was reportedly paid $70,000 to host a pool party at Las Vegas's MGM Grand. Today we'll join in the fun by making Lohan our muse.

Compose your poetic birthday wishes to Lindsay below. Haiku, double dactyl, Seuss-ian, free verse -- your choice. Just keep your submission to 12 lines or shorter. The best submission (which will be determined by the highly scientific formula of me guffawing and taking your faves into consideration) will win a coveted May 1984 (Note: Lilo wasn't even born yet) issue of Tiger Beat/Star featuring Duran Duran's Nick Rhodes on the cover, a hard-hitting Q&A with Ralph Macchio, who explains his charmed "Karate Kid" life wasn't "all glamour" and a wicked hot centerfold of a bat-wielding John Stamos wearing a "Coke is it!" T-shirt.

To prime the pump, here's a double dactyl from columnist Gene Weingarten:

Higgledy Piggledy
Lindsay D. Lohan is
Hawking a product to
Make our skin fried.

Here is our birthday gift:
Spanking her skanky butt
Extra-judicially
Tanning her hide.

-------
Update: Amidst the budding poets among you (and the "Daisy of Love" tribute), themegnapkin's simple haiku -- riffing on Lilo's recent assertion that she's a hard-working girl -- won the day (despite the fact that none of us -- not even lawyers -- work 40-hour days):

Lindsay, you think you
Work hard? Come to my law firm
for forty-hour days.

Meg -- send your address to me at liz.kelly@wpost.com.

By Liz Kelly  | July 1, 2009; 10:42 AM ET
Categories:  Lindsay Lohan  
Save & Share:  Send E-mail   Facebook   Twitter   Digg   Yahoo Buzz   Del.icio.us   StumbleUpon   Technorati   Google Buzz   Previous: Michael Jackson Will Surfaces; Farrah Fawcett Laid to Rest
Next: Karl Malden Dead at 97

Comments

Wow. Seventy grand?
Nice work if you can get it,
Workaholic girl.


Posted by: byoolin1 | July 1, 2009 11:07 AM | Report abuse

Lindsay, getcher cloves on, girl! Don't just stand there in your underwear.

--------------------
Once such a cute kid
"The Parent Trap" showed promise
What the hell happened?

Father goes to jail
Mother takes her out to clubs
Daughter stars rehab

One-time "drama queen"
Now she thinks she's Marilyn
Get over yourself

Lindsay Dee Lohan
Hardest working girl she knows
Yet, her career? Done.
--------------------

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | July 1, 2009 11:33 AM | Report abuse

Liz: before I turn on the poetic juices, I need to know if it's worth it: Is John Stamos wearing anything else besides a "Coke is it!" t-shirt?

Posted by: FallsChurch4 | July 1, 2009 11:56 AM | Report abuse

lindsay d. lohan
turning 23 this week
please please retire soon

------

one star two star three star four star
red star blue star lindsey lohan no star

--------

roses are red
violets are blue
happy birthday lindsay
we've had enough of you

Posted by: memphis1 | July 1, 2009 12:07 PM | Report abuse

Miss Lindsey Lohan
the birthday girl.
They say in her drawers
lives a red squirrel.
Oh so very camp,
and truly a tramp,
her "talent" makes us want to hurl.

Posted by: woowoo | July 1, 2009 12:11 PM | Report abuse

The 12-line limit automatically cuts out sonnets. Surely such an event as this calls for poetry of Shakespearean sublimity.

Posted by: mouse4 | July 1, 2009 12:50 PM | Report abuse

You were really hoping for a Michael Jackson free zone today.

WELL, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET IT.

In honor of the gloved one, this song should be sung to the tune of "Human Nature"

LINDSAY LOHAN

Looking out
Across the night-time
Ms. Lohan winks a sleepless eye
Hear her voice
It sounds so husky
She's either drunk or high.

Get her out
Into the night-time
Four walls wont hold her tonight
Wait,is that Sam
texting on Twitter?
There's gonna be a fight.

If they say -
Why, why, tell em that it's Lindsay Lohan
Why, why, does she do it that way?
If they say -
Why, why, tell em that it's Lindsay Lohan
Why, why? Is she really still gay?

Reaching out,
the paparrazzi's
electric eyes are everywhere.
Lindsay knows
the world is watching.
She shows her underwear.

If they say -
Why, why, tell em that it's Linsay Lohan
Why, why, does she do it that way.
If they say -
Why, why, tell em that it's Linsay Lohan
Why, why? She's got nothing to say.
She likes livin this way.
She works hard every day.

Lindsay needs
another movie
to help pay off her Visa card.
Though she spends
her time in nightclubs
She's working really hard.

If they say -
Why, why, tell em that it's Lindsay Lohan
Why, why, is she holding that can?
If they say -
Why, why, tell em that it's Lindsay Lohan
Why, why? She looks orange, not tan.
Is SamRo still a fan?
Will she party in Cannes?

Posted by: mdreader01 | July 1, 2009 12:52 PM | Report abuse

LiLo, Birth Day-o?
Who was there?
Sam Ro?
No no?
Ruh Roh!
Changed the lock on you again-o?

Posted by: Osteph | July 1, 2009 12:54 PM | Report abuse

My apologies to Blake...

Lindsay, Lindsay, burning bright
In the wee hours of the night
What immortal girl or guy
Could view thy awful artistry?

In what distant LA manse
Didst thou forget thy tiny pants?
With what hope dost thou aspire
To be a star, to be afire?

'Tis not acting, 'tis not art
Burnt out so young, we did our part
And thus we watched thy promise flee
On TMZ, & Us Weekly.

Posted by: NCgirl1 | July 1, 2009 1:57 PM | Report abuse

Well done, NCgirl1!

Posted by: mdreader01 | July 1, 2009 2:04 PM | Report abuse

Here is your winner....

Lindsay, Lindsay, can't you see
your coked out glare just hypnotizes me
I love the clothes you wear and your
glassy stare
But your leggings are wack, how fake is your hair?

Red bull and cigarettes are so nasty
but not half as bad as your white trash family
Are you straight? Are you gay? Does anyone care?
You have fallen so far, its almost not fair

Get your shi* together and dump that DJ
She looks like a dude and not a cute one anyway
Eat a hamburger and put on some weight
Get back on some penis, it will change your fate

Posted by: PhilliesPhan | July 1, 2009 2:29 PM | Report abuse


By 23, you've
slept with Jeremy Piven;
don't do it again.

Posted by: info_stuporhighway | July 1, 2009 2:37 PM | Report abuse

LiLo
LiLo
It's off to work you go.
To snort some coke
And be a 'ho
LiLo
LiLo

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | July 1, 2009 2:50 PM | Report abuse

Continuing the 'death comes in threes' motif, Mollie Sugden (Mrs. Slocombe from the BBC's "Are You Being Served?") has died.

May her purple hair rest in peace.

Posted by: byoolin1 | July 1, 2009 2:52 PM | Report abuse

Thanks, Sas: now I've got "LiLo, LiLo," playing in my head.

Posted by: byoolin1 | July 1, 2009 2:56 PM | Report abuse

Thanks, Sas: now I've got "LiLo, LiLo," playing in my head.

Posted by: byoolin1 | July 1, 2009 2:56 PM
-------------------------------------------
Laddie, ya need a piper to play ya some clan dancin' tunes from Cape Breton.

Either that or you can figure out which dwarf you would be. Me? I'm Grumpy.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | July 1, 2009 3:07 PM | Report abuse

sas wins

Posted by: reddragon1 | July 1, 2009 3:26 PM | Report abuse

Now Karl Malden's dead. What the hell is in that celebrity drinking water?

Posted by: byoolin1 | July 1, 2009 3:51 PM | Report abuse

The Almighty saw that Michael Jackson needed a nose and said to St. Peter, "Get me Karl Malden."

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | July 1, 2009 3:59 PM | Report abuse

Got me, byoolin. Though at the moment that idea of nominating 10 films for the Best Picture Oscar is looking worse by the day. At this rate, the 2010 Academy Award ceremonies will be held in a cab.

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | July 1, 2009 3:59 PM | Report abuse

There once was a girl named Lohan,
who was always out ho-in'.
She always did coke,
while getting a smoke,
and if not paid, wouldn't be goin'.

Posted by: GoldenBozos | July 1, 2009 4:04 PM | Report abuse

Lie-Low

What'll you do now that you're older
'n no one cares if you live or die
No one wants to take your picture
So you can close your skinny thighs

Lie-Low, why won't she
Lie-Low, please please please
Lie-Low, your time is gone

You tried to act just like an actress
But you were just another tween
Famous for being famous
Tryn' way too hard to be seen

Chorus

You can't sing, you can't dance
And you ain't smart
You're just one half
Of a pop tart.

Chorus

Posted by: kabuki3 | July 1, 2009 4:14 PM | Report abuse

LiLo, LiLo, where art thou, LiLo?
It is the east, and girl it's time to get out of bed. No more late parties for you, honey.
C'mon, find your underwear and let's go get some lunch.

The small l Lilo's on Disney
The cap L LiLo frightens me
And I will bet my silk pajama
When LiLo's here, expect some drama

LiLo, whoa-oh-oh-oh....
She's for the money, she's for the show
LiLo's a-waitin' for another go
LiLo, whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh....
She said, "one more job oughta get it"
"One last shot, we quit it"
"One more for the road"

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | July 1, 2009 4:32 PM | Report abuse

John Inman a couple years ago, Wendy Richard a couple months ago, now Mollie Sugden. Woe is I.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | July 1, 2009 4:33 PM | Report abuse

Also, I gathered that Karl Malden was a pretty nice guy.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | July 1, 2009 4:34 PM | Report abuse

td, What did Ogden Nash ever do to you in order to deserve such desecration?

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | July 1, 2009 5:06 PM | Report abuse

Lindsay, you think you
Work hard? Come to my law firm
for forty-hour days.

Posted by: themegnapkin | July 1, 2009 5:09 PM | Report abuse

No poetry here-
Just stay away from the blow Linds!
Luv,
Plamar

Posted by: plamar1031 | July 1, 2009 5:17 PM | Report abuse

LiLo
LiLo
It's off to work you go.
To snort some coke
And be a 'ho
LiLo
LiLo

_________________
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner. And a song that is now stuck in my head...

Posted by: Osteph | July 1, 2009 9:12 PM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

 
 
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