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Posted at 11:15 AM ET, 08/ 6/2009

Comic Book Characters Who Are Not Coming to a Theater Near You

By Nancy Kerr

Recently, the Morning Mix has been awash with news about casting for comic book movies -- Ryan Reynolds is getting a solo Deadpool movie! And he's going to be Green Lantern! Natalie Portman is the love interest for Thor!

Because of the success of relatively obscure heroes like Blade and Hellboy, other characters most comic book fans probably never dreamed would get their own movie are now hot commodities. When even Ant-Man has a movie in the pipeline -- because nothing says dynamic visuals like the powers of shrinking and ant telepathy -- it's fair to ask if any character is safe.

The answer is yes. I would argue that these five characters are the least likely to ever see the light of celluloid. But if they ever do, I've offered suggestions on who should play them.

Negative Man:
When his plane exploded, test pilot Larry Trainor was left horribly scarred and radioactive, and must be covered in special bandages at all times to avoid irradiating those around him. His "power" is that he can release a Negative-Energy being that bonded with him during the accident, but only for 60 seconds at a time, during which his body goes slack and his teammates have to carry him around.

So, let's review -- he's a radioactive burden whose powers only work for 1 minute at a time. You would think at some point the rest of the Doom Patrol would be all "No, it's okay Larry, you stay here and guard the base, we got this one."

Who could play him: The radioactive, burdensome, Jeremy Piven

Condiment King:
This enemy of Batman uses gimmicks based on toppings -- mustard gas, a ketchup gun, etc. Even if they make "Dark Knight MMCXII," the bad guy will not be Condiment King.

Who could play him: Dustin Diamond, who should have plenty of experience refilling condiment bottles by the time CK hits the screen.

Razorback
Marvel went through this weird phase in the early '80s where they tried to capitalize on the CB craze, hence trucker Buford Hollis, who hails from Texarkana, wears a costume with an electrified mane (effective as long as one is always attacked from behind) and drove a semi called the "Big Pig."

Who could play him: The most famous Razorback of them all, President Bill Clinton

Monsieur Mallah:
An evil, gun-toting, beret-wearing, French-accented gorilla with a genius IQ and a homoerotic relationship with his creator, a disembodied brain named The Brain.

I take it back. I would totally see a Monsieur Mallah movie.

Who could play him:
He would be CGI, but voiced by French butt-kicker Jean Reno. Note: If Jerry Orbach were still alive, it would be tremendous to have a homicidal, simian version of Lumiere from "Beauty and the Beast."


Arm Fall Off Boy
The Legion of Super Heroes was full of characters with odd powers -- Bouncing Boy, Matter-Eater Lad. But none dumber than Arm Fall Off Boy, whose power was to remove his left arm from his body and use it as a club. Really.

Who could play him: Channing Tatum, who just seems like the kind of guy who could casually rip off his own arm and use it to beat his enemies, as though it were no big deal.

When he's not reading comics (and sometimes while he is) Paul Williams produces Live Q&As for The Washington Post.

By Nancy Kerr  | August 6, 2009; 11:15 AM ET
 
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Comments

How about Nancy and Sluggo?

Katie Holmes could play Nancy (heck, even Wee Tom could play Nancy).

Sluggo would be, of course, Jack Black.

Demi Moore is Aunt Trixie.

As ever,

Curmudgeon

Posted by: bmschumacher | August 6, 2009 11:40 AM | Report abuse

You know Producer Paul, you could combine Negative Man and Monsieur Mallah and have one crazy Doom Patrol movie. I could see Keifer Sutherland playing Mento.


Of course an Ambush Bug movie would just be trippy.


Personally I'm waiting for the Booster Gold movie.

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | August 6, 2009 11:55 AM | Report abuse

Little Lulu=Janine Garafolo

Whenever I see Channing Tatum's name, I always think of Stockard Channing and Tatum O'Neal. I've been told there were a bunch of sexually-oriented "underground comics" in the 60s, and surely one of them would have the right characters for a menange a trois.

Posted by: reddragon1 | August 6, 2009 11:55 AM | Report abuse

I was thinking of the comics I used to read as a kid, Casper, Richie Rich, and they have had movies already made. But I can't remember an Archie movie. Jim Carey (except he may be too old) could be Jughead. I see Megan Fox (sorry) as Veronica. Hillary Duff as Betty. Not sure who would be Archie.

Posted by: hodie | August 6, 2009 12:09 PM | Report abuse

hodie, Ryan Seacrest as Archie. Beats (or at least ties) your Megan Fox.

Posted by: reddragon1 | August 6, 2009 12:22 PM | Report abuse

Culled from the afternoons of my mispent youth comes Captain Caveman and the Teen Angels.

They were part of the Scooby Doo All Stars or something like that.

Cap'n Caveman was discovered by Brenda, Dee Dee and Taffy in a block of ice. Luckily for the good Cap'n, blow driers had just been invented. They thawed him out and together solved mysteries.

This cheesy television series is screaming out to be made as a full length feature film.

We can "update it for today" like they're doing to Gunsmoke and cast one of those too self aware Geico cavemen along with whatever bimbos du jour are hanging out with Hugh Hefner.

Posted by: mdreader01 | August 6, 2009 12:25 PM | Report abuse

Matter-Eater Lad (DC Comics) comes from a planet (Bismoll--yes, it's a pun!) where microbes destroyed real food and everyone evolved to eat stuff in order to survive.

Setting the overly simplified principles of Darwin aside, Matter Eater Lad teams up with Calorie Queen, who can convert calories into super human strength.

Why Captain Canuck has a movie deal and not Matter Eater Lad is beyond me. Josh Rogan would be perfect for the role. As for Calorie Queen, perhaps Rosanne Barr is available.

Posted by: mdreader01 | August 6, 2009 12:35 PM | Report abuse

And WAPO didn't send Producer Paul to ComicCon WHY?????????

Posted by: epjd | August 6, 2009 1:08 PM | Report abuse

I still hold out hope for a Power Girl movie, possibly even starring Scarlett Johansson.

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | August 6, 2009 1:15 PM | Report abuse

How about Wonder Warthog, played by Woody Harrelson?

Posted by: justmike | August 6, 2009 1:21 PM | Report abuse

The only comic i recall from the 60s is Robert Crumb's "Truckin'" man...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keep_on_Truckin'_(comics)

John Cleese would have the legs for it...

Posted by: memphis1 | August 6, 2009 2:10 PM | Report abuse

Fritz the Cat!

Posted by: memphis1 | August 6, 2009 2:11 PM | Report abuse

Trivia question of the day: Who played Charlie Brown in the original off-Broadway production? Hint: he went on to much greater success in a major movie and then on TV.

Kristin Chenoweth has already played Sally Brown (a character added to the original musical especially to suit her talents) in the 1999 revival of "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown." You'll probably need to look it up to see who played Linus in the revival (he's been in a major TV series for several years lately).

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | August 6, 2009 2:12 PM | Report abuse

Wasn't there also a long-ago musical based on the Al Capp comic strip "Li'l Abner"? Gotta look that one up.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | August 6, 2009 2:21 PM | Report abuse

Not to mention "Annie," whose title role was portrayed by, among others, SJP.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | August 6, 2009 2:22 PM | Report abuse

And WAPO didn't send Producer Paul to ComicCon WHY?????????

Posted by: epjd | August 6, 2009 1:08 PM |

*********************************************

I'll go to Comic Con for WAPO. I'll even dress up as a character.

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | August 6, 2009 2:23 PM | Report abuse

Dorkus
I'll go to Comic Con for WAPO. I'll even dress up as a character.

We're wise to you, Dorkus! You're probably just hoping that ScarJo will be there next year too, and get into another squabble with Ryan beforehand so he'll sulk and refuse to accompany her.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | August 6, 2009 2:35 PM | Report abuse

I, too would pay to see a Monsieur Mallah movie.

/reads up on Razorback..."was able to drive any vehicle instinctively"? That is possibly the worst mutant ability ever. Did the X-Men ever get together just so they could all point and laugh at him?

Posted by: Bawlmer51 | August 6, 2009 2:55 PM | Report abuse

Bawlmer-Did the X-Men ever get together just so they could all point and laugh at him?

*********************************************

There is coffee all over my keyboard because of you.


And Nosy, it's not just ScarJo, Rosario Dawson also goes to Comic Con, and there's always the Princess Leia gold bikini contest.

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | August 6, 2009 3:05 PM | Report abuse

"Harvey Birdman: Attorney At Law" is an excellent showcase of ridiculous Hanna-Barbera characters (including Captain Caveman! That's where I knew him from, mdreader). I'm still waiting on the "Secret Squirrel" feature film.
I don't think any of them top "Arm Fall Off Boy", though. (Okay, maybe Jabberjaw.)

Posted by: Bawlmer51 | August 6, 2009 3:15 PM | Report abuse

Dorkus- You, me, Comic-con next year. We can go as the Wonder Twins (I call the non-lame one!).

Posted by: Bawlmer51 | August 6, 2009 3:16 PM | Report abuse

Sniff, thrown over for a gold bikini, sniff.

Posted by: epjd | August 6, 2009 3:21 PM | Report abuse

I just googled Proty and Chameleon Boy.

And I really wish I hadn't.

Add them to your list immediately.

Posted by: mdreader01 | August 6, 2009 3:21 PM | Report abuse

Nobody has stated the obvious Comic Character Not Coming to a Theater Near You:

Mary Worth

I'd prefer a snarky Mary Worth, played by Betty White.

Posted by: mdreader01 | August 6, 2009 3:24 PM | Report abuse

ep, just grad a Wonder Woman costume and join us.

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | August 6, 2009 3:30 PM | Report abuse

grab, not grad...

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | August 6, 2009 3:37 PM | Report abuse

mdreader01,

. . . or Bette Midler as Mary Worth.

Too bad Ron Howard grew up. He would have made a good Archie.

VTY,

Curmudgeon

Posted by: bmschumacher | August 6, 2009 3:51 PM | Report abuse

hodie, Ryan Seacrest as Archie. Beats (or at least ties) your Megan Fox.

Posted by: reddragon1 | August 6, 2009 12:22 PM | Report abuse

Excellent, reddragon. That would work.

mdreader, Didn't Pauly Shore do a Captain Caveman of sorts in Encino Man. Except he did not have super powers. I loved that he could fly with his club. "CAPTAIN CAVEMAAAA'ANNNN!"

Posted by: hodie | August 6, 2009 3:52 PM | Report abuse

Ziggy!

Posted by: hodie | August 6, 2009 3:54 PM | Report abuse

Wait a minute - no one's brought up Zippy the Pinhead. There are so many who could play Zippy, I don't know where to start....

Posted by: GroovisMaximus61 | August 6, 2009 3:55 PM | Report abuse

Pearls before Swine would be hilarious, but only if they don't excise all the sarcasm and dark humor like they did to Over the Hedge.

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | August 6, 2009 3:56 PM | Report abuse

Nobody else knows who played the original title character in "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown" (without looking it up)? Sniff.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | August 6, 2009 4:00 PM | Report abuse

I was thinking of the comics I used to read as a kid, Casper, Richie Rich, and they have had movies already made. But I can't remember an Archie movie. Jim Carey (except he may be too old) could be Jughead. I see Megan Fox (sorry) as Veronica. Hillary Duff as Betty. Not sure who would be Archie.
Posted by: hodie | August 6, 2009 12:09 PM | Report abuse

Hodie: Conan O'Brian could play Archie even though he's technically not an actor (but then again neither are Hilary or Megan)....Jim Carrey is actually the only somewhat real actor mentioned

Posted by: irishone | August 6, 2009 4:29 PM | Report abuse

CRAP!!!!!!

The summer of death continues.

John Hughes of a sudden heart attack. His work has been well-chronicled in this column.

Posted by: epjd | August 6, 2009 5:02 PM | Report abuse

Only 59.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | August 6, 2009 5:13 PM | Report abuse

Guys, is this about comics or about superheroes?

Why hasn't Green Arrow or Plastic Man been made into a full-length film?

Posted by: bs2004 | August 6, 2009 5:25 PM | Report abuse

I continue to be amazed that we have not yet seen Jessica Simpson in Dazzler: The Movie.

Posted by: katenonymous | August 6, 2009 5:45 PM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

 
 
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