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Posted at 11:00 AM ET, 08/ 3/2009

Heidi, We've Got Your Back!

By Delece Smith-Barrow

Guest blogger Delece Smith-Barrow helps Heidi Montag prepare for her big day.


(Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images)

Okay, folks. We've only got 20 days until the Miss Universe Pageant, but I think that's enough time to help newlywed Heidi Montag Pratt. As you all know, she'll be belting out her latest song at the pageant on Aug. 23, but there's an elephant in the room that could stand in front of her success: She can't sing (as evidenced here and here)! As an avid fan of "The Hills," I do not want to see my favorite bimbo blonde bombshell crash and burn as she tries to pursue other opportunities. And since Heidi's skills as an entertainer lie more in the realm of reality TV villain than songstress, I've decided to give her some words of wisdom to prepare for her big day.


1

No matter how challenging the performance may be: don't quit! While ditching the show, then returning, then ditching the show again didn't get you stoned on "I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here," the producers of the pageant may not be as forgiving.

2

Get the dance moves down before the show. Stumbling through them, a la Britney Spears at the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards, won't push your new career in the right direction.

3

Don't be afraid to employ the help of a reputable stylist to help you look the part of a music star, even if your voice suggests otherwise. I know you'd prefer to wear pieces from your clothing line Heidiwood, but fashion doesn't seem to be your calling.

4

It's best if you learn the words before cameras start rolling, but should you forget, take a page from Jessica Simpson's book and smoothly yell "Ooops" and tell the audience how embarrassed you are. Hopefully, they'll have some sympathy.

5

Beware of lip syncing. If it can hurt Kanye West, Madonna and even Milli Vanilli, it can't do much good for you.

Have I missed anything? What other advice would you give Heidi to prevent the likely embarrassment she'll face because of the performance?

By Delece Smith-Barrow  | August 3, 2009; 11:00 AM ET
Categories:  Celebrity Life Lessons  | Tags:  Britney Spears, Heidi Montag, Heidi Pratt, Heidiwood, Jessica Simpson, Miss Universe Pageant  
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Comments

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Posted by: Osteph | August 3, 2009 11:07 AM | Report abuse

I'd rather see you!! :-)

Posted by: Oceanhighway | August 3, 2009 11:12 AM | Report abuse

Acting -- not her calling
Fashion --not her calling
Singing -- definitely not her calling.

Her calling -- taking Spencer with her to a remote, deserted island and staying there.

Posted by: epjd | August 3, 2009 11:14 AM | Report abuse

ep: Her calling -- taking Spencer with her to a remote, deserted island and staying there.

And don't forget the surgical masks!

Posted by: hodie | August 3, 2009 11:24 AM | Report abuse

I'd rather see the Gosslin kids sing the Sound of Music.

Posted by: hodie | August 3, 2009 11:25 AM | Report abuse

Or the Duggars doing anything but procreating.

Posted by: wadejg | August 3, 2009 11:42 AM | Report abuse

I'm thinking Daisy de la Hoya would be a good fit.

Posted by: MzFitz | August 3, 2009 11:46 AM | Report abuse

Is William Hung available?

Posted by: capital_tee | August 3, 2009 11:57 AM | Report abuse

If the performer has to be a reality TV star, how about the winner of last season's Pet Star over on Animal Planet (hosted by Mario Lopez, BTW). WAAAY cuter than Heidi! And more talented.

Posted by: northgs | August 3, 2009 12:31 PM | Report abuse

I was thinking more along the lines of Roseanne, wreaking her own special brand of havor on the proceedings. Now THAT might be TV worth watching!

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | August 3, 2009 1:04 PM | Report abuse

20 days may not be enough time for pitch training this http://www.silvawood.co.uk/pitch-intro.htm

But you have plenty of time to use auto-tune software like this
http://www.antarestech.com/

Whatever you do, no duets with this person
http://www.kimzolciak.com/

Posted by: mdreader01 | August 3, 2009 1:16 PM | Report abuse

I would tell Heidi she should either 1) Do a jig like Ashley Simpson did on SNL if the back up track suddenly cuts out. 2) Hire Spinal Tap as her back-up band as that could be comedy gold.

Posted by: kvs71 | August 3, 2009 3:46 PM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

 
 
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