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Posted at 8:31 AM ET, 08/11/2009

Jackson Autopsy Sealed; Octomom Gets TV Special

By Liz Kelly
Tuesday

Headlines: Michael Jackson autopsy results to remain sealed (for now)... Jackson tribute concerts canceled... "Dancing with the Stars's" Mark Ballas wouldn't welcome Paula Abdul... Jessica Simpson rocked by Japanese earthquake... Malawian acting troupe parodies Madonna's Malawi adoptions... Octomom gets two-hour TV special... Mischa Barton returns to work... Miley Cyrus auctions off chance to be a roadie for a day... "Twilight's" Ashley Greene has nude pix removed from Internet... Hugh Hefner sells property next door to Playboy mansion.

Pix: Kate Hudson and A-Rod smooch in public.

Video: Keanu Reeves reports from 1984 teddy bear convention [via BuzzFeed]...

More: Miley Cyrus's Teen Choice Awards pole dance.

Rumor Mill: Britney Spears's sons, 2 and 3, curse... Kate Gosselin denies having affair with bodyguard... From the "Ick Nast" Files:Jaime Pressly denies urinating in public... Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson "on" again?

Say What?
"We had plans to travel together, to live together, and to be together. He made his decision in the Hamptons. He wanted to be with me." -- Ex-tabloid reporter Kate Major on Jon Gosselin, who she now calls a "liar" for denying their romantic involvement.

"No, I can't play these games. My life was a book and I wrote an autobiography." -- Barbara Walters, when asked what literary theme best represents her life.

List: College Majors of Celebrities

By Liz Kelly  | August 11, 2009; 8:31 AM ET
Categories:  Daily Mix  
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Next: Woman Claims Jacko Gave Her Baby to Tom Cruise

Comments

Between the autopsy results being sealed and the tributes canceled, there can be only one hastily-drawn and ill-considered explanation: he's not dead!!! You head it here folks. Michael Jackson is still alive!


Jessica Simpson rocked by Japanese earthquake - or, as the Japanese call it, "Jessica Simpson dances in Tokyo."


"Twilight's" Ashley Greene has a, shall we say, flawed, understanding of how the Internet works, I'd say.


"Britney Spears's sons, 2 and 3, curse..." So, the same reaction as everyone else to those K-Fat pictures, then?

Posted by: byoolin1 | August 11, 2009 8:57 AM | Report abuse

Liz, sorry to veer off topic, but will there be a LOST chat this week? I have burning questions/observations to submit! Can't find the link...

Posted by: yumdonuts | August 11, 2009 9:02 AM | Report abuse

Byoolin
You head it here folks. Michael Jackson is still alive!

And hanging out with one of his ex-fathers-in-law, may one presume?


Rumor: Britney Spears's sons, 2 and 3, curse.

As Oscar Hammerstein Jr. penned, You've got to be carefully taught.


Ex-tabloid reporter Kate Major on Jon Gosselin, who she now calls a "liar" for denying their romantic involvement:
"...He wanted to be with me."

Uh, only long enough to get what he wanted. Some things never change, dearie.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | August 11, 2009 9:10 AM | Report abuse

Yumdonuts -- Yup, we'll be hosting the Lost Hour chat Thursday at 3 p.m. ET. The link will be posted in a few.

Posted by: Liz Kelly | August 11, 2009 9:14 AM | Report abuse

Top Ten Instantaneous Reactions To The Sentence "Octomom gets two-hour TV special":

10: Is there a punctuation mark more interrobangy than the interrobang? Because a mere "WTF!?" just isn't going to suffice here.

9: I would rather watch my mom get an enema.

8: That's it, I'm moving back to Canada.

7: Just knowing that this is on another channel makes me feel like I'm wasting the $13 a month I spend on Basic Cable.

6: I'm pretty sure it's just going to be a rip-off of Part One of Monty Python's "The Meaning Of Life."

5: Well, if they get Scott Hamilton to co-host and call it "Disney's Clown Car Vagina On Ice" I'm sure it will do well.

4: Somewhere, a production assistant is wondering, "How is spending three weeks changing diapers on someone else's *@$&@$^^#% kids going to help MY career?!?"

3: [Four minutes of head-shaking vigorous enough to cause a contrecoup injury.]

2: Even if only Octomom and her kids watch it, the thing's going to be a ratings HIT!

1: It still can't be worse than that live Rosie O'Donnell thing.

Posted by: byoolin1 | August 11, 2009 9:21 AM | Report abuse

My only reaction to the Octomom special: Boycott. Sto the child exploitation.

And the Idiot of the Year award goes to Katie Majors. You're a tabloid reporter for goodness sakes and you believed what someone told you?

Other Jackson news that did not make the Mix (you only have so much room Liz) -- Guardian Ad Litem appointed for Jackson children. Katherine objected to the price for the Jackson rehearsal video footage. The judge now thinks her interests (she gets some of the trust too) may not be the same as the children's. It's gonna get messy.

finally, the summer of death continues -- Eunice Kennedy Shriver, founder of Special Olympics and mother of reporter Maria Shriver.

Posted by: epjd | August 11, 2009 9:41 AM | Report abuse

ep
The judge now thinks her interests (she gets some of the trust too) may not be the same as the children's.

Excellent point, ep. Though I wonder whether ANY member of the Jackson family is able, no matter how well-intended, to shelve their own interests entirely. I suspect the situation is just inherently filled with conflict-of-interest.


ep, again
My only reaction to the Octomom special: Boycott.

Dang right. You can't make me watch, and I ain't gonna. Especially if byoolin's prediction is correct and it's "three weeks [of] changing diapers on someone else's *@$&@$^^#% kids" Ick. Nast.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | August 11, 2009 10:30 AM | Report abuse

I remember when Barbara Walters was a real resporter. That is probably the main difference between her and Kate Major.

How much will Miley bid to be my roadie?

Posted by: reddragon1 | August 11, 2009 10:33 AM | Report abuse

My bet is Michael Jackson entered a cryogenics chamber like Walt Disney.

Jessica Simpson: "In Tokyo and just had a 6.6 earthquake!" she Tweeted. "And a 7.6 earthquake in the Indian Ocean! I woke up thinking I was in a fish tank!" Then she swore never to borrow the cumcumbers from her sushi for her facial mask again.

Item 486, Miley Cyrus Roadie experience, Sold! To the 52yo gentleman in trench coat!

ep, on the Kate Major comment: Isn't the irony wonderful?

Aw come'on Bawbwa, you ask stupid questions like that for years yet you won't play when you get asked?


Posted by: hodie | August 11, 2009 10:38 AM | Report abuse

Suggesting that professional choreographer Paula Abdul be a contestant on DWTS has to be the ultimate snarky putdown.

Ashley Greene had photos removed from the internet? Now THAT'S power! Ladies and gentlemen, I present the next POTUS.

The first thing Daren Metropoulos (new owner of Hef's next-door property) is going to do is install a surveillance system on the fence. The cameras will point the other way, toward the Playboy Mansion's pool.

Kate Gosselin should star in that proposed "Bodyguard" remake. It'd be worth it just to hear her sing, "I Have Nothing."

Never mind what book. I want to know what TREE Baba Wawa would be.

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | August 11, 2009 10:42 AM | Report abuse

byoolin, while "Disney's Clown Car Vagina On Ice" is inspired, I'm not sure I'd buy the souvenir program. (Well, maybe, but only if it includes a photo of Tonya Harding and Jeff Gilooly showing up with a present for Octomom's agent.)

The current bid for one day of quality time with Hannah Montana is $6,600. (What recession?) Right now, Hilary Duff is waving her own autographed photos on a street corner trying to attract attention, thinking, "Damn! Why didn't I come up with that roadie idea when I was Lizzie McGuire all those years ago?"

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | August 11, 2009 11:06 AM | Report abuse

Ashley - as we all know from our Spiderman movies, with great power comes great responsibility. You need to use your powers for the greater good rather than your own personal gain...
i suggest Ashton Kutcher's twitter acct. next

Posted by: quintiliusvarus | August 11, 2009 11:07 AM | Report abuse

hodie and td, you guys rock today, while my snark is lame. I keep getting distracted by work, which interferes with life in general and lizardry in particular.

quint, does this mean Jessica will be posting pictures of her OWN butt online?

Posted by: reddragon1 | August 11, 2009 11:11 AM | Report abuse

"The current bid for one day of quality time with Hannah Montana is $6,600."

Posted by: td_in_baltimore

*****

What creeps me out about that: aren't the roadies the ones who - ahem - "pre-screen" the groupies?

Posted by: byoolin1 | August 11, 2009 11:23 AM | Report abuse

byoo, you seem to know way too mch about what roadies do.

Posted by: reddragon1 | August 11, 2009 11:37 AM | Report abuse

Reddragon, everything I know I learned from the Grand Funk song, "We're An American Band," the Frank Zappa song "Crew Sl*t," and the collected writings of Pamela Des Barres.

Posted by: byoolin1 | August 11, 2009 11:54 AM | Report abuse

. . . also "What's Your Name" by Lynyrd Skynyrd.

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | August 11, 2009 11:57 AM | Report abuse

JHud just had her baby and, get this, Lizards, named him David Daniel Otunga Jr. (after his father, who's her fiance). David Daniel... just imagine the terrible teasing that poor child will have to endure all through life for bearing such conventional given names.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | August 11, 2009 12:19 PM | Report abuse

Re naming a child David Daniel, I almost forgot the Lizard rallying cry: Owe, the Humanity!

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | August 11, 2009 12:57 PM | Report abuse

That kid in the bear video looks a hell of a lot like my older brother.

Posted by: Caitlin41282 | August 11, 2009 2:16 PM | Report abuse

JHud just had her baby and, get this, Lizards, named him David Daniel Otunga Jr. (after his father, who's her fiance). David Daniel... just imagine the terrible teasing that poor child will have to endure all through life for bearing such conventional given names.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | August 11, 2009 12:19 PM |


Congratulations to Jennifer Hudson, after what she's been through this year she deserves all the happiness a new baby can bring.

I hope she releases a photo of the baby for us to coo at.

Posted by: newengland1 | August 11, 2009 2:23 PM | Report abuse

newengland1, agreed!

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | August 11, 2009 2:31 PM | Report abuse

But, if JH doesn't give her kids unusual names, does this mean that she loses her celebrity status for not following the celebrity baby naming rules?

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | August 11, 2009 2:34 PM | Report abuse

Dorkus, this was part of my concern.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | August 11, 2009 2:37 PM | Report abuse

Well, if they get Scott Hamilton to co-host and call it "Disney's Clown Car Vagina On Ice" I'm sure it will do well.
(byoolin1)

-----------------------------
Does anybody remember what they called the ice-skater version of "Finding Nemo"? To my everlasting regret, it was *not* "Finding Nemo on Ice". That would have been a souvineer program worthy of framing.

Posted by: northgs | August 11, 2009 2:40 PM | Report abuse

northgs, I'm stuck here behind my computer all day doing fact-checking, so took a quick break from the monotony to check your inquiry. The skating show's just listed on their website as "Disney on Ice: Finding Nemo." Although, I confess to finding your alternative, "Finding Nemo on Ice," more amusing (evocative of a fishmonger, perhaps?).

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | August 11, 2009 3:00 PM | Report abuse

I would rather watch my mom get an enema.
****
comment of the day and may i say, the week's winner. hat tip and deep genuflect to byoo.

Posted by: frieda406 | August 11, 2009 3:02 PM | Report abuse

the summer of death continues -- Eunice Kennedy Shriver
***
indeed. from all accounts, a remarkable person who changed the world via special olympics. the power of one.

Posted by: frieda406 | August 11, 2009 3:07 PM | Report abuse

Re naming a child David Daniel, I almost forgot the Lizard rallying cry: Owe, the Humanity!

Posted by: Nosy_Parker

He could always be called "Double D"

Posted by: zn123 | August 11, 2009 3:08 PM | Report abuse

"He could always be called "Double D" "

Not if he doesn't want Joe Simpson showing up at his door, slobbering.

Posted by: Californian11 | August 11, 2009 3:28 PM | Report abuse

Then there's this quote from South Carolina's Gov. Sanford, who's spiraled down from Presidential timber to Celebritology-level stank this summer:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/08/11/AR2009081100838.html?hpid=moreheadlines

"I've got a busy life, and I've tried as best I can - within the context of the current mess-up, that has been more than well-chronicled, and more than well talked about - to be a reasonable father, while at the same time, being a good governor... I can't tell you the number of sporting events I've missed, of theirs."

Mel Gibson would be so proud. What a shame the Luv-Guv didn't miss some of his own, ahem, sporting events (like hiking the Appalachian Trail, maybe?).

"I've tried as best I can... to be a reasonable father... I can't tell you the number of sporting events I've missed"

Well, which is it?

And what's this "within the context of the current mess-up" mitigation? It doesn't count if the "mess-up" is of one's own making.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | August 11, 2009 3:48 PM | Report abuse

Don't forget NP, the "luv guv" (love that) spent Father's Day with his mistress rather than his sons. I think he is definately a contender for Father of the Year.

Posted by: zn123 | August 11, 2009 4:45 PM | Report abuse

Gov. Sanford: that has to be one of the worst-constructed run-on sentences I've ever read.

My nieces love "Hannah Montana". If there is even a hint of pole-dancing, it's gonna be time for a sit-down and a parental control on the TV ... some "role model" for kids that skank-in-training is. Ugh.

Posted by: Californian11 | August 11, 2009 4:46 PM | Report abuse

The main thing about Gov. Sanford is ... he's just quite simply an idiot. I mean seriously, his huge scandal breaks and you just know the media was in salacious salivation mode (and sure to adopt, as we lizards did, the euphemism "hiking the appalacian trail" forevermore in connection with sex scandals) and then Michael Jackson dies and poof! Sanford might have been last YEAR'S news much less last week's. Does he lie low? Does he hunker down with his family and do his job? Hell no, he does a bloody press conference where he waxes whipped about his "soul mate" and asking permission from his wife to visit his mistress and wanting to try to fall in love with his wife again (boy, doesn't that sound like something she would feel validated about?) blah blah blah. Pathetic. Whipped. Idiot.

Posted by: sorcerers_cat | August 11, 2009 7:11 PM | Report abuse

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