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Posted at 11:03 AM ET, 08/26/2009

What Would Gwyneth Do? I DON'T KNOW!

By Liz Kelly

AWOL GOOP guru Gwyneth Paltrow. (AP)

So here we are in the last lingering days of summer and I've got several problems: too many tomatoes, a wardrobe not ready for a fall transition, I'm flummoxed as to what type of toilet bowl cleaner to buy to avoid speeding the planet on its way to utter environmental collapse and, most frightening of all, my upper arms are getting flabby.

How can things have gotten so messed up so quickly? It seems like it was merely a month ago that I was happily tossing summer salads and contemplating the joys of a high colonic. It was, in fact, Aug. 5 -- the last time Gwyneth Paltrow posted any instructions to us, the faithful subscribers of her weekly newsletter, GOOP.

The only celebrity guidance I've had is from that walking skeleton Rachel Zoe who yesterday did her best to convince me that $430 sequined leggings will be the linchpin of my fall wardrobe. ("They'll bring out the David Bowie flamboyant glamour in anyone.") Unfortunately, I was unable to act on this directive after dropping $1,400 on Monday's Zoe recommendation, this tangle of pearl strands and faux bling.

Where has Gwynnie gone? When will she return? How could she leave us hanging when we needed her most? What will I eat for dinner tonight? You see my point, of course. If one -- f'rinstance one transplanted Yank Oscar winner who now makes her home in London and likes it bestest of all -- puts oneself forward as a lifestyle expert, then she should not just up and stop posting when life takes her to the "Iron Man 2" set or because her home has been turned upside down for a multi-million dollar renovation.

Marthas-in-training do not get a vacation. In fact, Gwyneth should take a lesson from the real Martha who is such a fierce advice animal that she even posted tips for making the perfect martini to her Twitter feed.

By Liz Kelly  | August 26, 2009; 11:03 AM ET
Categories:  Celebrities, Celebrity Life Lessons, Insouciance  
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Maybe Chris said "if you give up GOOP, I'll give up Coldplay" and Gwynnie called his bluff?

Posted by: hodie | August 26, 2009 11:09 AM | Report abuse

Just like Gwynnie. She convinces you that you can't muddle along without her, then leaves you to muddle along without her.

Posted by: epjd | August 26, 2009 11:16 AM | Report abuse

As much as I love fake bling, I'll pass on Ms. Zoe's "shipwrecked princess" look. Urgh.

Posted by: undercover_hon | August 26, 2009 11:49 AM | Report abuse

Given that her most recent GOOPs were about cleansing, cooking and reading, I'm guessing she's on a strict regiment of just that: an end of summer eating binge, book marathon followed by a quick and easy colon cleanse.

Godspeed Gwynnie!

Posted by: fairfaxcty | August 26, 2009 11:57 AM | Report abuse

Hey Liz, I will take some of those tomatoes off your hands... The gal who lives in a condo and cannot grow her own always longs for the refreshing home grown tomato taste!

Next summer in my new house there will be tomatoes!

I'm sorry, what were we talking about again???

Posted by: Osteph | August 26, 2009 12:11 PM | Report abuse

Everyone over the age of 5 should stay faaar away from sequined leggings.

Gwennie will never be Martha Stewarts because 1)She has no sense of humour & 2)She'd be eaten alive in prison.

No really, they'd put her on a spit & roast her. But I bet she'd be tough since she's got zero body fat thanks to all those colonics.


Posted by: wadejg | August 26, 2009 12:29 PM | Report abuse

Doesn't Gwynneth have a personal assistant? Who could -- I dunno, but here'a random idea -- plan a calendar of blog postings to ensure regular content and perhaps even -- I know, it's crazy but humor me -- execute it? Honestly.

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | August 26, 2009 12:34 PM | Report abuse

I'm scared. I just pictured sequined leggings in a size 3X.

Posted by: kbockl | August 26, 2009 12:40 PM | Report abuse

Tomatoes: Can't you throw them at Weingarten?

Toilet bowl cleaner: Baking soda

Upper arms: Throwing tomatoes at Weingarten is good for that, too.

This should get you through the dog days of August, in time for Gwynnie's next post.

In the meantime, fire up an MP3 of "Cruisin'" and get to work on that toilet bowl!

Posted by: mdreader01 | August 26, 2009 1:16 PM | Report abuse

Liz, as long as you have bacon, lettuce, toast and mayonnaise, there is no such thing as too many fresh, homegrown tomatoes.

Martha would probably tell you to can the tomatoes, and then use the canned (well, jarred) results while doing triceps curls, to take care of the flabby arms. Although scrubbing one's toilet with baking soda has to be a good arm workout, too.

I have no words on the wardrobe. I'm a New Yorker - we do four-season black, thankyouverymuch. But the sequined tights are *definitely* to be contained to the under-four and David Bowie-impersonator crowds.

Posted by: northgs | August 26, 2009 1:59 PM | Report abuse

Well, she does have the $80 pair of sequined leggings listed too. You could probably dig that up just by selling tomatoes on the side of the road.

How could Blythe Danner have such a creepy daughter?

And the toilet stuff? Baking soda doesn't kill germs people.

Posted by: chocolatetiara | August 26, 2009 2:48 PM | Report abuse

I'm scared. I just pictured sequined leggings in a size 3X.

Posted by: kbockl | August 26, 2009 12:40 PM | Report abuse

Oh, nooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Posted by: jezebel3 | August 26, 2009 3:18 PM | Report abuse

Gwyneth's mother, Blythe Danner, is hotter than Gwyneth, and I'm closer to Gwyneth's age. Older women aren't a fetish for me, just saying it as a matter of fact. I think Gwyneth is one of Hollywood's most overrated "beauties".

Posted by: greenfuture | August 26, 2009 3:43 PM | Report abuse

Liz has bingo wings?

Posted by: kabuki3 | August 26, 2009 9:29 PM | Report abuse

She said in her last newsletter that Goop was going on vacation and would be back in September.

Posted by: madtwn | August 27, 2009 1:21 PM | Report abuse

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