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Posted at 8:35 AM ET, 09/ 3/2009

Jon Gosselin Says He 'Took a Lot of Abuse'; Chris Brown to Clean Up Graffiti

By Liz Kelly

Headlines: Jon Gosselin says he "took a lot of abuse" from Kate; that she called him a "lame fish"... Cate Blanchett gets head wound on stage... Michael Jackson to be buried today... Diane Sawyer leaving "GMA" for evening anchor chair... Levi Johnston drops (alleged) Palin family bombshells in Vanity Fair... Kathy Griffin dishes about plastic surgery, diet pills... Katherine Heigl taking leave of absence from "Grey's Anatomy"... Jay-Z opens up to Oprah... Former chef sues Simon Cowell over a pair of sneakers.

Pix: Lourdes Ciccone recreates mom's "Like a Virgin" look... Al Pacino as Jack Kevorkian.

Crime Watch: Chris Brown to clean up graffiti... Hayden Christensen's brother arrested for assault... Boy George's ankle tag taken off... "Three's Company's" Joyce DeWitt charged with DUI.

Video: Christopher "Kid" Reid (of Kid n' Play) wants you in a suit:

Rumor Mill: Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo back together?... Madonna helping Sean Penn through divorce?... Kate Hudson and A-Rod already cohabitating?

Say What?
"I told her there's a divorce or adoption. If she's not down with the adoption, I think it's divorce." -- Spencer Pratt shares his plans in the event wife Heidi Montag gets pregnant.

Chat Day: Join me at 2 p.m. ET for this week's back-to-school edition of Celebritology Live. Then, stick around for detention: The "Lost" Hour at 3 p.m. ET.


Finally, the winner of yesterday's Name Spencer Pratt contest is: Spencer for Hire Pratt from reader dstu. Alison-in-TN also gets an honorable mention (and a "Brad Pitt for Mayor" sticker) for crowd favorite Princess Consuela Banana Hammock and his wife, Crap Bag. Send me your addresses at and I'll get your loot in the mail.

By Liz Kelly  | September 3, 2009; 8:35 AM ET
Categories:  Daily Mix  
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Next: Creative Captioning: A Piven Worth a Thousand Words


Gonna defend Jon here for a second -- psychological abuse is abuse. But, that doesn't justify dating a bimbo.

Levi Johnston -- proof of being a celebrity without actually doing anything beyond procreating. Really. Why are we still talking about this guy?

The Heigl Thing takes a leave of absence from Grey's. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief. Wanna bet the "leave of absence" becomes permanent?

Spencer, divorce as an option to pregnancy? That doesn't end the pregnancy or make the kid go away right? Scientology even knows better than that.

Posted by: epjd | September 3, 2009 8:53 AM | Report abuse

while i still love, love, love it, "Princess Consuela Banana Hammock and Crap Bag" can be attributed to the crazy names Phoebe and new hubby Mike call themselves in an episode of Friends.

Posted by: hgar | September 3, 2009 9:04 AM | Report abuse

Can't believe I am actually feeling a bit of sympathy for Heidi Montag. So wrong.

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | September 3, 2009 9:05 AM | Report abuse


Posted by: dstu | September 3, 2009 9:07 AM | Report abuse

Wait, I figured as good little Christians who completely misunderstood the point of Bible, I figured they'd be all about the whole "Go forth and multiply" bit. But anything to help keep those genes from being passed on, I suppose.

Posted by: DCCubefarm | September 3, 2009 9:08 AM | Report abuse

Madonna has just gotten creepier - with a 22-year-old boyfriend, she has tarted up her daughter to look like herself in her 20's. And "Like a Virgin" look for a 13-year-old? Please. Are we supposed to be contemplating the child's virginity?

YUCK. Where is that child's father? I know he was paid off to drop out of her life, but I think it's time to go for custody.

Posted by: Amelia5 | September 3, 2009 9:10 AM | Report abuse

When I look at that photo of Jon Gosselin, the term "lame fish" doesn't come to mind, but "flunky" does.

Good on Diane Sawyer. Lets hope she does real news and not that softball cheesecake horse-caca the morning "news" shows typically dole out.

Posted by: jelo97 | September 3, 2009 9:12 AM | Report abuse

So Katherine Heigl takes a leave of absence from Grey's. Remember LOA contains the first two letters of "loser"!

Posted by: ronjaboy | September 3, 2009 9:13 AM | Report abuse

"Michael Jackson to be buried today" -- And you'll be able to bid on the shovels on eBay by noon.

"Jay-Z opens up to Oprah" -- Please, warn me about these double entendres before I've finished digesting breakfast.

"Diane Sawyer leaving 'GMA' for evening anchor chair" -- No offense to Diane, but you'd think only two people worked at ABC News. Honestly. Were there no other candidates for Charlie Gibson's job? It's organic, see....

"Joyce DeWitt charged with DUI" -- No worries. Suzanne Somers has developed a plan that promises instant sobriety AND great thighs!

"Lourdes Ciccone recreates mom's 'Like a Virgin' look" -- No. No. NO. This is how it starts. Now it's a cute wedding dress, but before you know it, she'll be hitchhiking naked and wielding razors with Vanilla Ice.

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | September 3, 2009 9:13 AM | Report abuse

(Whoops. My organic comment was supposed to go with the Joyce DeWitt item.)

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | September 3, 2009 9:16 AM | Report abuse

Re: Princess Consuela: Producer Paul advanced this clip as the inspiration:

Posted by: Liz Kelly | September 3, 2009 9:26 AM | Report abuse

"Al Pacino as Dr. Jack Kevorkian" sounds like it should be the centerpiece of an anti-healthcare-reform media campaign. I'd be scared...

I'm so conflicted! I never expected to feel the least bit of pity for Heidi Montag, but the above quote is beyond obnoxious. Yesterday's fantastic names aside, Spencer Pratt really is a d0uchebag. On the other hand, for these two, *not* breeding is a very good thing.

Katherine Heigl taking a LOA from "Gray's" - I'm not sure which is more exciting, that The Heigl will (hopefully) be going away for a while, or that Izzy will be.

Jon Gosselin, yes, you probably did take a lot of abuse from the fishwife you married. That doesn't excuse your present behavior, however.

Thirteen-year-old Lourdes Ciccione in the "Like a Virgin" wedding dress has to be this week's Ick. Nast. award-winner.

Posted by: northgs | September 3, 2009 9:36 AM | Report abuse

You like us, you really like us! :)

Umm, yeah - we were WELL aware that the names came from Friends - kinda what makes it funny :) Thanks go mainly to Ronda, who made the connection in the first place, I just added my two cents and posted it. BRAD PITT FOR MAYOR! Woohoo!

Posted by: Alison-in-TN | September 3, 2009 10:00 AM | Report abuse

In light of today's ming-boggling comment, perhaps we should have another day of re-naming the man who would be King.... also perhaps he should read the story before changing his name.

Posted by: agog1 | September 3, 2009 10:12 AM | Report abuse

Before Jon took the "high road", I used to feel sorry for him. Now I just wish they would "hit the road and don't come back".

Michael to be buried? " but eee's not quite dead yet!"

Levi Johnston's news is not a big bombshell. Really, is anyone suprised?

Better check out Simon's feet. He probably thought those sneaks went well with his grey V-neck, and comfy too!

Come'on, it is not strange that Lourdes is trying the "Like a Virgin" get up. You know we all did when we were teenagers. It is more disturbing that she is resurrecting that awful 80's hair! (I think I had the same hair my senior year).

"I told her there's a divorce or adoption. If she's not down with the adoption, I think it's divorce..." -- Spencer Pratt. (I'll finish the quote) "...because if she's pregnant, that would mean we would have to have actual sex."

Posted by: hodie | September 3, 2009 10:22 AM | Report abuse

Lourdes Ciccone recreates mom's "Like a Virgin" look.

Anybody else recall the outrage over Teri Shields allowing Brooke to be cast in Louis Malle's "Pretty Baby"? I think Brooke was only 11 or 12 at the time.

Spencer Pratt shares his plans in the event wife Heidi Montag gets pregnant.

Misread this as Spencer Pratt shares his plans to get his wife Heidi Montag pregnant. As in, will he also be taking away her shoes and consigning her to the kitchen? Yes, I'm starting to be (slightly) on Team Heidi on this one.

Chris Brown to clean up graffiti.

"Breakin' rocks in the noonday sun" would've been my preference, but at least this isn't just a public-speaking community service gig.

Madonna helping Sean Penn through divorce?

Does that euphemism still mean what it used to?

Ruth Marcus, admittedly no fan of Sarah Palin's, puts it well in her blog "Levi Johnston's Smarmy Tale"

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | September 3, 2009 10:45 AM | Report abuse

Yet another reason for even Palin's harshest critics to feel a twinge of sympathy, "Sanford Empathizes With Palin in Bizarre Interview"

I tell ya, Gov. Mark Sanford is spiraling downward something scary. (Note: Despite the misplaced modifying prepositional phrase, it's Sanford who gave the bizarre interview, not Palin. I'm not claiming that she's incapable of it, but I'm just sayin', fair is fair).

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | September 3, 2009 10:58 AM | Report abuse

I am not a big fan of Kate or Jon, but I agree with Kate on this one. Jon is a lame fish.

As to Spencer/Heidi, yuck. How dumb are these people that they entered into a marriage without discussing the topic of chidren?

Kate Hudson now cohabiting with A-Rod? I've said it before, but jeez that girl really gets around.

Posted by: newengland1 | September 3, 2009 11:02 AM | Report abuse

With appolgies to the great Ernie K. Doe...

mother-in-law, mother-in-law
mother-in-law, mother-in-law

The worst person I know
-mother-in-law, mother-in-law
She worries me so
-mother-in-law, mother-in-law
She tried to run for VP
then told her daughter to break up with me.

-sent from down below
mother-in-law, mother-in-law
mother-in-law, mother-in-law

She sits around her house
-mother-in-law, mother-in-law
she never talks to her spouse
-mother-in-law, mother-in-law
She says she hunts for fun
but doesn't know how to fire her gun

-asked me to show her how
mother-in-law, mother-in-law
mother-in-law, mother-in-law

Being governor's too tough
-mother-in-law, mother-in-law
She makes money, but not enough
-mother-in-law, mother-in-law
She makes her kids to all the housework
and has the nerve to call me a jerk.

she's such a piece of work...
my mother-in-law, mother-in-law.....

Posted by: mdreader01 | September 3, 2009 11:07 AM | Report abuse

Oprah really knows her audience. While that interview with Jay-Z is extremely enlightening and poignent, he's relegated to the bottom right hand corner, underneath "DR. OZ WILL SEE YOU NOW!" and "BEHOLD THE $30 BAG!"

Posted by: mdreader01 | September 3, 2009 11:13 AM | Report abuse

Lame duck, cold fish, hon. How can fish be lame when they have no limbs? If you continue to mix metaphors, Pacino will arrange for you to sleep with the fishes. And they're all cold.

Posted by: kabuki3 | September 3, 2009 11:25 AM | Report abuse

spencer pratt is really going to have to keep coming up with some more outlandish celinedion to keep getting his name in the papers. and we're just helping feed the hydra. make. it. stop.

Posted by: nachomama1 | September 3, 2009 11:29 AM | Report abuse

Here's a piece of brilliant filet of snark from the comments on Ruth Marcus' Levi Johnston/Sarah Palin blog today, though goodness knows it applies equally to Heincer, Kardashians, Winehouse, and ever so many other celebs who are mainly famous just for being famous.

"Pfft. If you are going to live your life like a 20-car pileup, don't be surprised when people slow down and gawk."

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | September 3, 2009 12:15 PM | Report abuse

Diane Sawyer recently endorsed an amazing book by a paralyzed school shooting survivor (at even though it talks about controversial issues such as guns and God. That's what I like about DS. She is not afraid to tackle controversial issues. She's tough, yet sensitive. She's a throwback to what journalists used to be. She'll be great in her new role.

Posted by: apr1185 | September 3, 2009 12:19 PM | Report abuse

Yeah, Jon, we feel abused when we have to watch that too!

I <3 Kathy Griffin! (that's meant to be "heart"...hopefully I got it right)

Lourdes Ciccone - just what every mom wants to see her young teen do....

I guess Gray's Anatomy figured they could get a mannequin as a stand in for Heigl for a lot less $ and best part - the mannequin doesn't talk.

Posted by: anonymouslurker | September 3, 2009 12:21 PM | Report abuse

Ack, need to preview when rewriting. Should read, Here's a piece filet of snark, or better yet, filet-o'-snark.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | September 3, 2009 12:21 PM | Report abuse

so true!
Thank you for pulling that!

Posted by: anonymouslurker | September 3, 2009 12:23 PM | Report abuse

Here ya go, anonymouslurker, just for you. Copy and paste to your heart's content: ♥ (sorry I can't get the red to appear)

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | September 3, 2009 12:24 PM | Report abuse

Here's a piece of brilliant filet of snark from the comments on Ruth Marcus' Levi Johnston/Sarah Palin blog today, though goodness knows it applies equally to Heincer, Kardashians, Winehouse, and ever so many other celebs who are mainly famous just for being famous. -- nosy_parker

nosy, love ya and all, but please don't include Amy Winehouse with those other losers. She was actually famous for being a singer before she became a trainwreck.

Posted by: zn123 | September 3, 2009 12:32 PM | Report abuse

zn, I think Winehouse's singing career has long-since become eclipsed by her train-wreck identity. It's a shame, though.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | September 3, 2009 12:42 PM | Report abuse

"lame fish"

maybe she's comparing part of Jon to an eel?

Or maybe he's forgotten that there can only be one master of malapropism, and it's Yogi Berra.

Posted by: memphis1 | September 3, 2009 12:58 PM | Report abuse

"I'm a baby. I'm not prepared," he says. "And I'm not sure the world wants a Spencer Pratt spawn."

Oh my god, there are signs of intelligent life in their universe. Praise be, an iota of sense.

Posted by: Centava2007 | September 3, 2009 1:19 PM | Report abuse

signs of intelligent life in the[] universe

Thanks for reminding me, centava. I meant to send a Happy Birthday shout-out on Tuesday to new-septagenarian Lily Tomlin!

One ringy-dingy, two ringy-dingy...

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | September 3, 2009 1:32 PM | Report abuse

I'm totally shocked that Spencer Pratt isn't INSISTING that any children be from his seed--his megalomania would tend to make it an imperative, wouldn't you think? On the other hand, he might as well just come out and say he can't deal with it if Heidi gets fat, even if it is a baby. He is such a revolting waste of space.

Jon Gosselin was briefly known for being a father of 8 on reality tv. Now he's getting divorced and doesn't see his kids, so he no longer qualifies and father of 8 on TV. Therefore he is nothing. nobody. and no one cares what happens to him. he should just fade away properly. lame fish? how about ugly troll? The harpy and the ugly troll. Sounds like a good children's book title.

Posted by: sorcerers_cat | September 3, 2009 2:02 PM | Report abuse

Nosy, that is a great quote! Love it.

Hmm, sounds to me like Kathy Griffin still has a heck of a lot of work to do on her self-esteem.

From what I've seen, there is a great deal of "psychological abuse" in the average suburban marriage w/ kids. Wife nagging, whining and putting the husband down? Check. Treating him like one of the kids? Check.

Posted by: Californian11 | September 3, 2009 2:26 PM | Report abuse

Where is everyone today?

Posted by: sorcerers_cat | September 3, 2009 4:17 PM | Report abuse

Would you believe working? Nah, didn't think so.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | September 3, 2009 4:23 PM | Report abuse

Well, I'm working! Sort of. Heading out for the dentist shortly.

Typical chat day, everyone goes over for the chat and doesn't come back!

Posted by: sorcerers_cat | September 3, 2009 4:41 PM | Report abuse

Cat, Give my regards to the Tooth Fairy.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | September 3, 2009 5:01 PM | Report abuse

She was actually famous for being a singer before she became a trainwreck.
famous for about 2 seconds before it all came crashing down. she suffered from an eating disorder way before her recording career took off. didn't take much to pushher over the proverbial edge.

Posted by: frieda406 | September 3, 2009 5:28 PM | Report abuse

The next full moon isn't until September 4, so I predict yet another delay in nailing down the coffin lid on Whacko.

Posted by: yellojkt | August 21, 2009 9:40 AM

So close, yet so far.

Posted by: yellojkt | September 3, 2009 6:51 PM | Report abuse

I'm just relieved the *family* is picking up the funeral expenses. I was worried after that whole Staples Center extravaganza.

Posted by: Californian11 | September 3, 2009 7:10 PM | Report abuse

Jon Gosselin says he took a lot of abuse. What he doesn't say is that most of the abuse was self abuse.

Posted by: angelos_peter | September 4, 2009 11:09 PM | Report abuse

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