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Posted at 8:51 AM ET, 11/ 6/2009

Oprah headed to cable?; Sharon Osbourne slams Susan Boyle

By Liz Kelly

Claire Danes attends the 18th annual BAFTA/LA Britannia Awards in Los Angeles on Thursday. (Reuters)
Friday

Headlines: Oprah may move her show to cable by year's end... David Letterman extortion plot inspires "Law & Order" episode... Egyptian Islamic conservatives call upcoming Beyonce concert an "insolent sex party"... Alec Baldwin not ruling out plastic surgery... Morgan Freeman settles crash lawsuit... Lindsay Lohan says her dad once threatened to kill mom Dina... Elton John leaves the hospital after treatment for flu, e. coli infection... "Golden Girl" Rue McClanahan recovering from bypass surgery.

Crime Watch: Randy and Evi Quaid post bail in burglary case... Sixth suspect in Hollywood burglary gang turns himself in.

Rumor Mill: Fergie calls stripper's allegations of a relationship with Josh Duhamel "nonsense"... Paula Abdul and Arsenio Hall dating?... Agent says Penny Marshall not battling brain tumor.

Say What?
"She is a lovely lady. You just want to say 'God bless' and here's a Gillette razor. [God] gave her the talent. But he hit her with a f****** ugly stick." -- Sharon Osbourne on "Britain's Got Talent" sensation Susan Boyle


By Liz Kelly  | November 6, 2009; 8:51 AM ET
Categories:  Daily Mix  
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Comments

"[God] gave her the talent. But he hit her with a f****** ugly stick." -- Sharon Osbourne

Now, now, Sharon. Not a nice thing to say - especially after He used Kelly for batting practice.

Posted by: byoolin1 | November 6, 2009 9:13 AM | Report abuse

Sharon dear, have you looked at your family recently? Your little yappy dog is by far the handsomest one in the house.

Egyptian Islamic conservatives are just pissed because they can't afford tickets to that "insolent sex party." Otherwise, they so would be there.

Get well, Rue McClanahan.

Posted by: northgs | November 6, 2009 9:19 AM | Report abuse

Susan Boyle:Sharon Osbourne::Kettle:Pot

Posted by: yellojkt | November 6, 2009 9:25 AM | Report abuse

Top Ten Little-Known Details of the David Letterman Extortion Plot Used in that "Law & Order" Episode:


10: Talk-show host and intern used bald bandleader's head as a sexual fetish object.

9: There's a video of the host & intern naked recreating their favourite Stupid Human Tricks.

8: Their secret code for sex: "Time to interview Drew Barrymore."

7: Relationship ended when she asked him to "go easy on Dick Cheney with the jokes."

6: Remember Sirajul and Mujibur? She turned them in to INS.

5: The two weeks he missed for "bypass surgery" actually spent with her on a sex tour of Appalachia.

4: Larry "Bud" Melman's death made to look like natural causes after he threatened to expose them.

3: When asked about the plot, Jay Leno had no comment but the rest of America wished Leno were even 1/4 as interesting.

2: One of Jack Hanna's animals once did something on-stage that looked exactly like something host and intern had done earlier that day.

1: She came up with the title, "Know Your Cuts Of Meat," if you know what I mean.

Posted by: byoolin1 | November 6, 2009 9:31 AM | Report abuse

Can't believe Oprah is threatening a move to cable. Either she is POed at the network execs, or wants more money (is there such a thing, short of a govt. bailout?) or both.

Egyptian Islamic Conservatives give Beyonce the best review she's gotten since Kanye West's.

Alec, please see George Hamilton before you have (more?) plastic surgery. Don't visit him, just see him.

I don't remember Morgan Freeman in "Crash". Oh wait, it's not the movie...

Will Randy and Evi Quaid be on America's Most Wanted after they jump bail?

Strippers allegations of a "relationship" with most men are usually nonsense. Belongs under "not news," as does the lovely Penny Marshall.

Sharon, at least Susan Boyle is not famous for being married to somebody.

Liz, my celeb rankings won't post. This is after you deliberately goaded us by placing Levi Johnston above Brad Pitt.

Posted by: reddragon1 | November 6, 2009 9:47 AM | Report abuse

With all the plastic surgery Sharon has had to look like she does, I'm surprised and saddened she offers criticism of anyone's looks.

Posted by: sarahabc | November 6, 2009 9:50 AM | Report abuse

"Don't visit him, just see him."

Nicely done, reddragon, nicely done!

Posted by: byoolin1 | November 6, 2009 9:52 AM | Report abuse

"Alec Baldwin not ruling out plastic surgery..."

Whatever it takes for people to stop calling him Billy.

Posted by: MStreet1 | November 6, 2009 10:04 AM | Report abuse

Let me guess where Oprah's moving, the O network?

Note to D.L., as any fan of Law and Order (or any crime drama for that matter) know, victims AND perps can be identified by dental records. Don't leave bite marks, yours would be a cinch to identify!

Posted by: hodie | November 6, 2009 10:04 AM | Report abuse

"Don't visit him, just see him."
Posted by: reddragon1

HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA. Magnificent!

Note to Egyptian Islamic fundies: Calling something an "insolent sex party" INCREASES its appeal to ninety-five percent of the population. The next time a popular sexy artist comes to your country, try calling their concert "chaste and sober". The fans will stay away in droves.

On a related topic, I'd love to see these fun guys review other popular culture. Imagine what they'd say about Lady Gaga.

Posted by: Bawlmer51 | November 6, 2009 10:13 AM | Report abuse

There is no excuse for Sharon Osbourne's rude, crude, lying, incivil words. She needs to pay Susan and her fans the biggest apology ever and then be fired from every job she has. She is despicable. Susan Boyle is lovely, attractive, charming, well-mannered, and a delightful person all around, as well as being the best singer in the world. Sharon Osborne is a piece of turd.

Posted by: KateSaunders | November 6, 2009 10:28 AM | Report abuse

Uh-oh, it smells like a possible BKD from Boyle's Boils.

Posted by: MStreet1 | November 6, 2009 10:30 AM | Report abuse

possible BKD

I'll go make the popcorn!

Posted by: Bawlmer51 | November 6, 2009 10:41 AM | Report abuse

Somebody put the tip jar on the bar... today could be a moneymaker!

Posted by: dablues1 | November 6, 2009 10:46 AM | Report abuse

"Oprah may move her show to cable by year's end" -- Could she just move it to satellite radio instead? That way there's no chance I'd catch it by accident.

"Elton John leaves the hospital after treatment for flu, e. coli infection" -- Gave him a new meaning for Rocket Man, if you catch my GI drift.

"Lindsay Lohan says her dad once threatened to kill mom Dina" -- But they all decided to go clubbing instead.

"Paula Abdul and Arsenio Hall dating?" -- Well he was in that one video of hers back when she was relevant. Not that time, the time before that. Then.

"But he hit her with a f****** ugly stick." -- Sharon, do you kiss your kids with that mouth? Besides, from my vantage point, you've cracked a few mirrors in your time.

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | November 6, 2009 10:55 AM | Report abuse

"Claire Danes attends the 18th annual BAFTA/LA Britannia Awards in Los Angeles on Thursday." -- Angela Chase finally found her identity: she's Kelly Ripa!

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | November 6, 2009 10:58 AM | Report abuse

Am I the only one thinking Insolent Sex Party would make a great name for a band. Probably of the punk rock variety.


Arsenio and Paula dating? If only this was 1992 so they could still be relevant.


Agent says Penny Marshall not battling brain tumor. But she is still trying to get the theme song from Laverne and Shirley out of her head.

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | November 6, 2009 11:10 AM | Report abuse

I am going to have to revisit the expression "hit with an ugly stick." (With or without the Anglo-Saxon universal modifier) I always thought it was a colloquial American expression, but maybe it's Brit slang, too.

Posted by: reddragon1 | November 6, 2009 11:10 AM | Report abuse

Agent says Penny Marshall not battling brain tumor. But she is still trying to get the theme song from Laverne and Shirley out of her head.

Thanks Dorkus, I believe I will need brain surgery too to get it out of my head now.
Pass me a Schlitz, will ya?

Posted by: hodie | November 6, 2009 11:38 AM | Report abuse

An opportunity to perform brain surgery?


Give us any chance, we'll take it!

Posted by: byoolin1 | November 6, 2009 12:04 PM | Report abuse

Laverne and Shirley worked at the *Shotz* brewery. Tho you could trade Shotz for Schlitz, Pabst, Blatz, Milwaukee's Best, or Stroh's.

Comments Quiz--which of these beers is not like the others?

Posted by: jelo97 | November 6, 2009 12:23 PM | Report abuse

Q: Which of these beers is not like the others?


A: Schlitz - the others taste like cat's pee, but for some reason, Schlitz tastes more like the pee of a vicuña.

Posted by: byoolin1 | November 6, 2009 12:40 PM | Report abuse

Thanks Jelo, pass the Shotz.

Posted by: hodie | November 6, 2009 1:13 PM | Report abuse

Stroh's was brewed in Detroit. All the others were brewed in Milwaukee.

Posted by: mdreader01 | November 6, 2009 1:16 PM | Report abuse

Give us any chance, we'll take it
Give us any rule, we'll break it

Give us any beer and I'll take the Shotz with the glove on it.

Thanks.

Posted by: mdreader01 | November 6, 2009 1:18 PM | Report abuse

Stay classy, Sharon Osborne.

Well, Fergie gets an A for effort, anyway.

Posted by: Californian11 | November 6, 2009 1:27 PM | Report abuse

Having recently been Across The Pond, I can report that a commercial featuring Beyoncé herself inviting folks to her Port Ghalib show has been airing on commercial British TV (e.g., Sky News). The target audience for ticket sales seems to be non-Muslim foreign tourists in search of a warm weather respite from brisk late autumn temperatures and who would likely be (to put it mildly) unoffended by possible displays of a bit of skin.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | November 6, 2009 1:27 PM | Report abuse

hodie
Jelo...shotz

Well-played, Doc!

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | November 6, 2009 1:31 PM | Report abuse

Ding ding ding! mdreader got it right. You must be a midwesterner. All are now based in Milwaukee since Pabst has been going on a blue-collar-beer acquisitions spree.

Posted by: jelo97 | November 6, 2009 1:37 PM | Report abuse

Schlitz - the others taste like cat's pee, but for some reason, Schlitz tastes more like the pee of a vicuña.

Posted by: byoolin1 |

---------------------------------------------

Byoo, you did a taste comparison?

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | November 6, 2009 2:02 PM | Report abuse

Islamic conservatives prefer to have sex parties with meek, mild partners.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | November 6, 2009 2:05 PM | Report abuse

Sas, how does pee of cryptid compare?

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | November 6, 2009 2:09 PM | Report abuse

A source says, “This could be the perfect situation for the two of them. Paula and Arsenio know each other inside and out.”

I'll just bet they do.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | November 6, 2009 2:11 PM | Report abuse


Sas, how does pee of cryptid compare?

Posted by: Nosy_Parker |

---------------------------------------------

Seems to rate pretty well, hodie. Take a look:

http://www.ratebeer.com/beer/six-rivers-sasquatch-ale/34962/

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | November 6, 2009 2:26 PM | Report abuse

Sas, I'm not a Doc. I don't even play one on TV, let alone on Lizard Island.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | November 6, 2009 2:29 PM | Report abuse

Sorry, Nosy. Let me make it up to you.
Have a Sasquatch Ale. It's on me.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | November 6, 2009 2:41 PM | Report abuse

Sas
It's on me.

That's what I was afraid of.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | November 6, 2009 2:43 PM | Report abuse

Don't let the skullet scare you.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | November 6, 2009 2:57 PM | Report abuse

well, her agent may deny it, but Penny Marshall just had brian surgery

http://voices.washingtonpost.com/postmortem/2009/11/spotlight-penny-marshall.html

Posted by: egengle | November 6, 2009 2:59 PM | Report abuse

oh geez. BRAIN not brian. Heh

Posted by: egengle | November 6, 2009 3:00 PM | Report abuse

egengle, am I the only one to find it disquieting that Penny Marshall's surgery news is posted on the Post obituary webpage?

Sending out Friday love to Penny, a director who's definitely in a league of her own!

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | November 6, 2009 3:17 PM | Report abuse

I had the same reaction: I had to read twice to be sure she was not dead yet. (cue Monty Python Parrot Sketch)

Posted by: egengle | November 6, 2009 3:54 PM | Report abuse

Love love love Penny Marshall, get well soon.

Sharon. I'm just gobsmacked. An unattractive, untalented "celebrity by marriage" with a family portrait that scares the horses has no business criticizing anyone's looks.

Posted by: sorcerers_cat | November 6, 2009 4:13 PM | Report abuse

Hi, cat! Glad to be home, missed chatting with you and other Lizards. I hear there was flooding in your region, so hope you've managed to stay dry and safe.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | November 6, 2009 4:41 PM | Report abuse

Cat, do you have any Penny Marshall stories to share (at least that you've heard, if not first-hand experience)?

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | November 6, 2009 5:27 PM | Report abuse

For Frankie's pet human in Arizona, and other members of the Lizard Island legal firm:

"Welcome to Marikafka County, Arizona"
http://reason.com/blog/2009/11/03/welcome-to-marikafka-county-ar

Just appalling.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | November 6, 2009 5:40 PM | Report abuse

Hi Nosy. No flooding anywhere near me! And no I don't have any particular Penny Marshall stories, I just have seen a lot of her interviews and she's hilarious.

That court story is really something. Just wow.

It's Friday, I will be over to the Tiki bar VERY shortly--we are so close to being over the finish line here but I can't quite get ahead of my to do list!

Posted by: sorcerers_cat | November 6, 2009 7:25 PM | Report abuse

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