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Posted at 1:15 PM ET, 12/ 4/2009

Hot Messes: Distaff Dirtbags

By Liz Kelly

Last Friday, I listed my top 10 most desirable dirtbags. In the interest of fair play, this week we give the same treatment to the female equivalent. For definition purposes, we're calling our nominees "hot messes": Women who, despite a skanky reputation or rough exterior, still command some serious sex appeal.

Who would be on my list? Well, I'm thinking chicks like Megan Fox, who has gone out of her way to trash up her reputation to compete with one-time wild child Angelina Jolie. Or Lindsay Lohan, who amidst what seems like a slow-motion shame spiral, still manages to exude some sex appeal.

But since my tastes may not actually jibe with that of the average chick admirer, I've asked for help from one: Paul Williams -- The Post's live discussion guru and producer of my weekly chat. His list -- and reasons for each inclusion -- follow below. And, as you'll see, his idea of a hot mess is way different from mine.

Here then, in his own words, is Paul's list of 10 hot messes: Vamps, tramps and man-eaters he would not kick out of, well, you know.

Left to right: Katee Sackhoff (Syfy), Melissa George (HBO), Heather Locklear (The CW Network), Madonna (AP), Gina Gershon (Reuters)

1. Katee Sackhoff as "Battlestar Galactica's" Kara Thrace: Self-destructive, drunk, violent and so unfaithful she tried to sleep with her fiance's brother the same night she met him. In her defense, she's an awesome pilot (a highly skilled woman is very hawt) and helped save humanity.

2. Melissa George as "In Treatment's" Laura: When you show up at your psychologist's office wearing the little black dress you had on from the night before, eyes rimmed with smeared makeup, and proceed to describe how you just had sex with a stranger in a bar bathroom, you might as well have a flashing "Danger!" sign around your neck. And yet, you can totally understand why Gabriel Byrne wants to leave his wife for her.

3. Heather Locklear: Has perfected playing the grown-up version of the evil prom queen/sorority girl. (Would you want to cross Amanda on "Melrose Place"?) Amazing while you're making her happy, cold as ice the minute you stop.

4. Madonna: Over the last 30 years, Madge has raised skankiness to an art form (a coffee table book, even), and remained popular because she made the joke on us, not her (something the current rank of Paris Hilton/Lindsay Lohan types has yet to figure out how to do).

5. Gina Gershon: Because of "Bound." And because when you heard those rumors about her and President Clinton, your reaction was, "Yeah, okay, that makes sense."

Left to right: Bai Ling (Getty Images), Chelsea Handler (AP), Madeline Kahn (AP), Heather Graham (ABC), Jessica Rabbit (Touchstone Pictures)

6. Bai Ling: Despite her questionable mental stability, fashion sense, personal hygiene, she's just so appealingly exotic. I would fully expect any date with her to end with defending her honor in some divey bar. On Mars.

7. Chelsea Handler: Has made a living finding the funny side of drunkenly sleeping with strangers.

8. Madeline Kahn: Not a fall-down mess, but a great vamp. Imagine if she was in her prime during this Cougar trend: how awesome would she be in a role where she teaches a younger guy about the ways of the world? (Maybe a guy named "Paul," eh? -- Liz)

9. Heather Graham: Has managed to balance her almost cartoonish good looks and a string of slutty roles (think: "The Hangover" and "Boogie Nights") with a sweetness and girl-next-door naiveté.

10. Jessica Rabbit: Because she's not bad, she's just drawn that way. And because she's attracted to quirky types.

Agree? Disagree? Add your thoughts -- and nominees -- below...

By Liz Kelly  | December 4, 2009; 1:15 PM ET
Categories:  Friday Lists  
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The phrase "rank of Paris Hilton/Lindsay Lohan types" will stick with me forever. Or at least the rest of the day.

To me, Michelle Rodriguez is the ultimate Hot Mess. Will work on completing the list.

Posted by: reddragon1 | December 4, 2009 1:27 PM | Report abuse

Good list Producer Paul. I'd like to add Joan Jett to that as well.

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | December 4, 2009 1:35 PM | Report abuse

It's time for truth-in-advertising moment: the list of "Who *Wouldn't* You?" is much, much, much, much, MUCH shorter than the list of "Who Would You?"

I mean, there's Susan Boyle, Roseann, and Rosie.

And that's pretty much it, I think.

For some reason, I'm reminded of a joke:

If there was one celebrity you could [sleep with], living or dead, who would it be?

Britney Spears. And dead.

Posted by: byoolin1 | December 4, 2009 2:01 PM | Report abuse

From this we can tell

1. Byoolin is brilliant, as usual, even tho he misses the point of the list being Who You Should Not Want To But Do Anyway

2. Dorkus is old, and also makes me jealous because he got Joan first causing me to list as

3. Pat Benatar

2. Megan Fox (I know, no originality)

1. Michelle Rodriguez.

Posted by: reddragon1 | December 4, 2009 2:30 PM | Report abuse

Almost none of those are dirtbaggy types, except for Gina Gershon and maybe madonna who is more like 10 miles of hard road. It should be someone who might easily be seen as setting your car on fire and then flirting with you at the bar afterward. Hard women. Ellen Barkin, Kathleen Turner, that sort of thing. So i'm thinking Gershon and Tilly, Turner, Barkin, Graham and Billy Bob Thornton era Angelina Jolie. And perhaps pre total flameout-junkietown Amy Winehouse. Somebody whose tats are real.

Posted by: keepwastingmoney | December 4, 2009 2:38 PM | Report abuse

Err, dating myself a bit, but Shirley Manson.

Posted by: daveydog | December 4, 2009 2:38 PM | Report abuse

I'll throw in Jenny McCarthy, but back in her pre-antivaccine Jim Carrey days.

And reddragron, I'm willing to bet I'm the youngest one here. But I will also add Grace Slick (maybe I have a predilection towards rocker chicks).

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | December 4, 2009 2:45 PM | Report abuse

ooo. Meg Tilly. Good! I mean Bad!

How about Lisa Bonet in Angelheart?

Posted by: reddragon1 | December 4, 2009 2:47 PM | Report abuse

ooo. Meg Tilly. Good! I mean Bad!

How about Lisa Bonet in Angelheart?

Posted by: reddragon1 | December 4, 2009 2:47 PM |

No, No, No, Jennifer Tilly. Though Meg may now qualify since her collagen in the lips straight to the brain flakeout.

Posted by: keepwastingmoney | December 4, 2009 2:50 PM | Report abuse

Back in the day: Jeanne Moreau. Betty Davis. In the right context, Kate Hepburn.

Posted by: reddragon1 | December 4, 2009 2:50 PM | Report abuse

How about Lilly Allen, Cat Power, and and young Debbi Harry.

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | December 4, 2009 2:55 PM | Report abuse

So it's a Tilly two-fer!

Maybe we can add Natalie Portman, now that she is really smokin'

I was thinking of Courtney Love for the rocker chicks, but she's not so bad she's good, but rather, just bad.

Posted by: reddragon1 | December 4, 2009 2:57 PM | Report abuse

Oh, Nurse Veronica Callahan from Mercy played by Taylor Schilling. I want all my nurses to look like that.

Posted by: DorkusMaximus1 | December 4, 2009 3:00 PM | Report abuse

Clearly I must research this Taylor Schilling further. Obviously I am older, perhaps too old.

Posted by: reddragon1 | December 4, 2009 3:20 PM | Report abuse

As further proof that I am old, I missed this in 2000, and must therefore add the name of Carla Perez:

December 19, 2000
Web posted at: 9:28 PM EST (0228 GMT)

RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil (Reuters) -- A Brazilian judge said on Tuesday he had ordered the naked bottom of this month's Brazil Playboy cover girl on billboard ads in Rio de Janeiro be covered up to protect children from obscenity.

Judge Siro Darlan ordered that official black-and-white notices be plastered over the backside of Carla Perez, a well-known television presenter and dancer.

"The law states that no magazine or publication can expose material not suitable for under-18s without complying with certain legal conditions," Judge Darlan told Reuters.

Darlan, who oversees a court for the protection of minors, said Playboy would be ordered to remove the three billboard ads from the streets of Rio. He also plans to prosecute the magazine for corruption of minors.

The ads feature a horizontal Perez showing off her bikini tan marks and carrying the slogan: "Father Christmas won't be running around with those little deer again." The word for "deer," veado, also means "homosexual" in colloquial Brazilian Portuguese.

Playboy, published by Brazil's Editora Abril, said it had not been informed of the judge's action. "But Abril would never deliberately do anything that was against the law," Playboy spokeswoman Marilia Schumann said.

She said she was not aware of legal action against the ads in other cities. Darlan's jurisdiction only covers Rio, where nudity is commonplace during the annual Carnival.

The billboard ban was Darlan's latest swing at Playboy's December issue, which also has pictures of Santa Claus clutching a partially nude Perez. He earlier ordered officials to confiscate issues displayed at newsstands without legally-mandated opaque packaging.

Posted by: reddragon1 | December 4, 2009 3:28 PM | Report abuse

Guys, once you expand the candidates to include people from the past, there's no end to Whom -- objective pronoun -- you'd do as a Hot Mess. it's a lot easier to go with Byoolin's approach of Management by Exception.

Byoo' could you qualify your response to the Britney question? Who would have to be dead? Britney? You? Both?

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | December 4, 2009 3:44 PM | Report abuse

Don't we need to distinguish between the Hot Mess in her roles, and what she's like in real life?

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | December 4, 2009 4:01 PM | Report abuse

Yes. However, from previous comments, it's enough if someone can distinguish alive from dead.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | December 4, 2009 4:43 PM | Report abuse

You had me until Chelsea Handler. UGH. (Not if I were the last man on earth. Humanity would just have to die.)

I'll second Debbie Harry, but circa the time she was on "Wiseguy". Rapture.

Kari Wuhrer, when she was on "Class of '96" (which, I think, I am the only person who watched).

What, no one's said Samantha Fox yet?

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | December 4, 2009 4:52 PM | Report abuse

Pam Anderson and Carmen Elektra, no?

Posted by: mdreader01 | December 4, 2009 5:11 PM | Report abuse

Would Producer Paul be upset if ScarJo was on the list?

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | December 4, 2009 5:27 PM | Report abuse

Can't believe that Sharon Stone didn't make the list.

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Posted by: nikejordans1 | December 9, 2009 5:11 AM | Report abuse

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