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Posted at 7:18 AM ET, 02/19/2010

Tiger Woods preps for presser; Elton John says Jesus was gay

By Liz Kelly

Chris Brown and Usher sit courtside at the Los Angeles Lakers vs. Boston Celtics game on Thursday in Los Angeles. (AP)
Friday

Headlines: Tiger Woods expected to make public apology at today's press conference... Woods to return to therapy, says PGA official; could return to golf next month... Golf writers vote to boycott press conference... Elton John envisions Jesus as a gay man... Simon Cowell says neither Howard Stern nor Madonna could replace him on "Idol"... Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban to fund school in Haiti... Robert Pattinson talks life beyond "Twilight"... Should John Mellencamp or Kendra Wilkinson be tapped to take over Indiana Senate seat?... Lisa Rinna apologizes for Heidi Montag surgery remarks... Montag designs clothes for her new body... Octo-mom Nadya Suleman to make "View" appearance next week... J.K. Rowling to fight plagiarism charges... Judge says Chris Brown complying with probation... Ditto for Lindsay Lohan.

Crime Watch: Judge sentences Ashanti stalker to two years in jail.

Rumor Mill: Is something amiss with Angelina Jolie's face?... Brangelina Venice family photos staged?... Patrick Swayze's widow plans to sell New Mexico ranch... Hefty traveler Kevin Smith opts for private plane.

Say What?
"Homey made this bed, now he has got to lay in it." -- Stephen Baldwin comments on Barack Obama's presidency.

By Liz Kelly  | February 19, 2010; 7:18 AM ET
Categories:  Daily Mix  
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Next: Tiger Woods Apology: Live-blogging the event

Comments

RIP Kathryn Grayson.

Posted by: jezebel3 | February 19, 2010 7:48 AM | Report abuse

Among the many other reasons the Kendra for senate campaign won't get off the ground is that she isn't old enough to run for Senate. She's 24, and the minimum age to be a senator is 30.

Posted by: TigerLily81 | February 19, 2010 8:08 AM | Report abuse

"Elton John envisions Jesus as a gay man." And yet the phrase "dirty Sanchez" *never* appears in the Bible.


Simon Cowell: What about Howard Stern's head grafted onto Madonna's body? Would that work?


John Mellencamp's election slogan: "A Little Pink House In Every Garage."

Kendra Wilkinson's election slogan: "It wouldn't be the first time someone utterly unqualified for office got elected."

(TigerLily's comment is hereby noted, but if a Kenyan can defeat a Panamanian for the presidency, then anything is possible, right?)


"Montag designs clothes for her new body." And now we know why Alexander McQueen hanged himself.


Prediction: Octo-mom flees the set of "The View" after five minutes and heads back to the peace and quiet of a house filled with her 14 children.


"J.K. Rowling to fight plagiarism charges." Using the exact same arguments George Harrison used in the "My Sweet Lord" case.

Posted by: byoolin1 | February 19, 2010 9:11 AM | Report abuse

Did you ever notice any time Brangelina has a movie to flog, the rumor mill gins up about a break-up? Who's playing who here?

Posted by: hlchappell | February 19, 2010 9:15 AM | Report abuse

Tiger Woods to return to therapy after press conference. To tide him over until then, he has brought an inflatable Heidi Montag doll with him to the Sawgrass Country Club.

Heidi Montag herself wants to broaden her new eponymous fashion line, saying, "And I really would love to do a low end line [for my] fans..." There is no word whether K-Mart, Wal-Mart, Ross or Marshall's will carry the Montag line of low end clothing. Montag has yet to respond to the question of whether her clothes will come with inflatable tops.

Meanwhile, Lisa Rinna apologizes for implying that Montag is the bigger scanque of the two. "It was a fit of jealousy," Rinna admitted.

If Nadya Suleman wears a short skirt and spreads her legs on The View, it will be a View of cosmic proportions.

If Kendra Wilkinson ever becomes a member of the US Senate, she could star in a reality series, "The Senator Next Door."

Jesus was gay, eh? Hmmmm....I always wondered about those 12 Apostles.

Simon Cowell says no one can take his place. I don't know about that. I think that Mike Rowe has encountered a funkier horse's rear end somewhere in his Dirty Jobs.

Kevin Smith opts for a private plane: a C-17 Globemaster.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | February 19, 2010 9:19 AM | Report abuse

sasquatchbigfoot | February 19, 2010 9:19 AM
"If Nadya Suleman wears a short skirt and spreads her legs on The View, it will be a View of cosmic proportions."
Oh so ICK NAST of cosmic proportions.

Stephen Baldwin, please go away.

Friday love and support to Lisa Niemi.

Posted by: badgerfan1 | February 19, 2010 9:27 AM | Report abuse

steven baldwin...drugged and drunk for 30+ years, and now he has a new addiction, conservatism.
Insane, man.

Posted by: newagent99 | February 19, 2010 9:27 AM | Report abuse

I envision Elton John as a gay man

Posted by: asbloom | February 19, 2010 9:44 AM | Report abuse

Golf writers vote to boycott press conference...

...demonstrating who has the real balls. Evidently Tiger thought he was a chess player and the golf press were his pawns.


Stephen Baldwin
"Homey made this bed, now he has got to lay in it."

Presumably he prefers Sarah Palin's grasp of grammar and syntax?

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | February 19, 2010 9:56 AM | Report abuse

lisa niemi is consulting a psychic to ease her pain after patrick swayze's death. i wonder if it's whoopie goldberg?

Posted by: nachomama1 | February 19, 2010 10:00 AM | Report abuse

No Elton, it was Joseph who was gay. That was why he needed Mary as a beard.

Posted by: Roxie1 | February 19, 2010 10:27 AM | Report abuse

Homey made this bed, now he has got to lay in it." -- Stephen Baldwin

Baldwin was a mortgage deadbeat, lost his house, and now doesn't have a bed to lie in...unless you count a late-model minivan in the parking lot of a Nyack mall as a bed.

One more thing, Mr. would-be born-again opera singer Baldwin.....the verb you should have used is "lie." You know, the homonym of the word that can be used to characterize the "facts" cited by your right wing-nut cohorts.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | February 19, 2010 10:50 AM | Report abuse

Good on ya', Nicole and Keith. Props also to the golf writers for not being tools.

Stephen Baldwin, why am I reminded of the SNL skit with Chevy Chase and Richard Pryor? (You, of course, are the ignorant white guy - we wouldn't want you to stretch for a role.)

Heidi, that's what happens when your chest is three sizes larger than your waist - off-the-rack is, well, off the rack. Good luck pitching a line of clothing to a low-end retailer, though: most of their customers are big but *in proportion*. Maybe Bobbie Jo's Truck-Stop and Stripper Emporium out east on I-10 would be interested...

Lisa Rinna disses Heidi Montag. Sounds like a case of the lips calling the ta-tas overblown to me.

John Mellencamp for Senate! Just what we need, a little R.O.C.K. to shake up Washington. Too bad that when he fights authority, authority always wins.

Kevin Smith opts for private plane. Wow, way to make the money saved by flying Southwest pay off!

Posted by: northgs | February 19, 2010 10:52 AM | Report abuse

Roxie, you made me sploot all over my keyboard! I know I should be ashamed, but strangely I'm not.


There's a tasty celebrity snarkfest going on right now elsewhere on the WaPo website, that just BEGS for a healthy dose of Lizard snark in the Comments section. "Sally Quinn's The Party: No 'dueling' Bradlee weddings, just scheduling mistake":
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/02/18/AR2010021805078.html

Take your best shot, Lizards!

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | February 19, 2010 10:53 AM | Report abuse

Don't expect me to weigh in on the Elton John / Jesus thing on a Friday in Lent. Nuh uh. Not gonna do it.

"Simon Cowell says neither Howard Stern nor Madonna could replace him on 'Idol'" -- Is this like an SAT question? "Paula Abdul is to Ellen DeGeneres as Simon Cowell is to:

a. David Geffen
b. Howard Stern
c. Madonna
d. Clive Davis

"Robert Pattinson talks life beyond 'Twilight’” – Hint: It involves starring in “Equus” on stage and/or going to an Ivy League school and/or whatever Rupert Grint is doing besides counting his cash.

“Octo-mom Nadya Suleman to make ‘View’ appearance next week” – Kate Gosselin’s not going to be there, is she? If so, I’m seeing lotsa flying crazy and a huge Oshkosh b’Gosh tornado devastating the studio audience. Take cover!

"Is something amiss with Angelina Jolie's face?” – Could you be more specific? If you are referring to the mangy beard, that’s Brad. I know I know, they do tend to blur together at this point. Easy mistake. But trust me on this one.

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | February 19, 2010 11:05 AM | Report abuse

Thanks for the heads-up Nosy. Sally Quinn's article is chum for the snarks.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | February 19, 2010 11:30 AM | Report abuse

Sas, nice snark on the Sally Quinn comments! I voted to recommend it.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | February 19, 2010 11:31 AM | Report abuse

Sas, Quinn's always been such a sacred cow (*cough* *cough*) at the Post that the only way to get the truth spoken re her is to let the readers do it.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | February 19, 2010 11:35 AM | Report abuse

Sas, "Having My Baby" was an excellent touch....

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | February 19, 2010 11:59 AM | Report abuse

td, I thought Sas's Weingarten comment was pretty rich, too.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | February 19, 2010 12:18 PM | Report abuse

Agreed, Nosy.

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | February 19, 2010 12:23 PM | Report abuse

td, I also liked your idea re a pair of big ole gift boxes of silences from Sally to the bridal couples.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | February 19, 2010 12:31 PM | Report abuse

Simon Cowell is OK in a Don Rickles-Dick Button sort of way ("Her routine was a frothy delight to watch but technically it was the worst effing skating I've ever had the misfortune to witness"...)
But he needs to get over himself. I basically loathe Howard Stern, but now I would be glad to see him take over the spot and would even watch.

Posted by: reddragon1 | February 19, 2010 12:44 PM | Report abuse

Hey guys, thanks for the snarkliments. Great snark from you two, too. Let's keep at it. The Sally Quinn article is more than a straight line. It's a six-lane expressway.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | February 19, 2010 12:58 PM | Report abuse

I think the best snark so far was about thousands of Haitians reading the Quinn article and realizing that their plight wasn't so bad after all.

Brutally funny!

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | February 19, 2010 1:00 PM | Report abuse

Lizards, check out Sas's proposal for an Empress of Style Invitational on the Sally Quinn comments -- inspired!

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | February 19, 2010 1:05 PM | Report abuse

Dammit, Nosy! I've got work to do! Make me stop! Please!!!!

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | February 19, 2010 1:17 PM | Report abuse

Sorry, Sas, I'm just an enabler at heart ;-)

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | February 19, 2010 1:27 PM | Report abuse

Let's see if Hax answers a certain question from "Washington, DC".

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | February 19, 2010 1:32 PM | Report abuse

Sas, you dickens, you!

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | February 19, 2010 1:39 PM | Report abuse

Excellent comments today, all. I pale in comparison, but can't help commenting on ...

- Lisa Rinna. Um honey, you yourself have stated you look like a freak, do you think your daughters haven't noticed YOU are a prime case of plastic surgery overdose gone wrong?
- Stephen Baldwin. Homey? Really?

That gallery of plastic surgery victims is truly horrifying. Anyone considering plastic surgery for cosmetic purposes only should be forced to look at those -- yowza.

I know many of both genders will disagree, but I find Angelina just weird-looking and unattractive, plastic surgery or not. I can't believe she is only in her early 30s -- she looks 20 years older.

Posted by: Californian11 | February 19, 2010 2:21 PM | Report abuse

Californian11 - I have to agree re: Angelina.

Posted by: Vienna8425 | February 19, 2010 2:42 PM | Report abuse

I envision Elton John as a gay man

Posted by: asbloom |
--------------------------------------
I envision Elton as an old lesbian.

Posted by: yellojkt | February 19, 2010 2:48 PM | Report abuse

Sas, I fear Hax (or her producer) saw through your letter, as the only ones from "Washington, D.C." weren't on point. Could you share your letter with the rest of the Lizards, and/or over on the Quinn comments, because I imagine it deserves not to vanish without a trace?

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | February 19, 2010 2:55 PM | Report abuse

Elton John Realizes Elton John Headlines Haven't Happened In Months, Comes Up With Headline.

Posted by: charlesbakerharris | February 19, 2010 2:59 PM | Report abuse

Oh, California11, you reminded me to remark that the bumps on Angie's neck (not where her "chin" meets it, as stated in the article) are from the electrodes implanted by the aliens.

Either that, or she has been bitten by a vampire...

Posted by: reddragon1 | February 19, 2010 3:00 PM | Report abuse

TD, when I hear the words "mangy beard," I usually think of TomKat, not Brangelina.

Posted by: byoolin1 | February 19, 2010 3:24 PM | Report abuse

I don't see any comments to Sally Quinn's article - it shows 0 comments. What have you guys done? I want to see the comments!!!

Posted by: mat00 | February 19, 2010 3:25 PM | Report abuse

Here ya go, mat00. I'm sure you have something to offer, too!

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/02/18/AR2010021805078_Comments.html

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | February 19, 2010 3:28 PM | Report abuse

Nosy, I didn't save my Hax question. It was a simple summary of the SQ piece, closing with the question: "I've published a public explanation and apology for the circumstances, but thee are still raw feelings all around. Is there anything else I can do?"

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | February 19, 2010 3:41 PM | Report abuse

This just in! Sean Penn charge with battery!

http://www.thewrap.com/article/penn-charged-battery-alleged-assault-photographer-14429

Maybe the photographer's camera died, and he asked Sean if he had a battery to spare.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | February 19, 2010 3:42 PM | Report abuse

SPLOOT!

Sas, I'm guessing Hax's producer recognized the true nature of the question. It's still not to late to send it to Miss Manners, though.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | February 19, 2010 3:44 PM | Report abuse

mat00, the site must be burning up from overuse because I'm getting that "0 comments" thing a lot too. Now that the page has finally loaded correctly for me once again, I am enjoying this newer comment:

"People often ask me how to make conversation at dinner parties. I usually spin my head around five times in rotation, bare my fangs, speak in tongues for half a minute and then barf out an article for the Style section."

The snark is fast and furious.

And byoolin, point noted re: TomKat / mangy beard. My bad. And your Quinn comment about the Saturday Night Massacre? Beautiful, man.

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | February 19, 2010 3:44 PM | Report abuse

td, do you suppose that quote was written by Weingarten using a nom de blogue?

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | February 19, 2010 3:53 PM | Report abuse

Nosy, it certainly does not have the cadence of Henry Allen's writing. And Gene has written of his fear and loathing of dinner party discussion.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | February 19, 2010 3:57 PM | Report abuse

In that case, reddragon1, Katie Holmes must have a really bumpy neck.

The lizards are on fire today! What are they serving at the Tiki bar?

Posted by: Californian11 | February 19, 2010 3:59 PM | Report abuse

Californian, it's like the Snark Olympics today over on the Sally Quinn comments.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | February 19, 2010 4:06 PM | Report abuse

Lizards, I'm running low on Sally Quinn snark ammo, can anyone else step up? Thanks to Nosy, td, Byoo' and other Lizards I may have overlooked.

"Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more!"

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | February 19, 2010 4:26 PM | Report abuse

Californian11, the Tiki Bar is preparing a champagne toast for us, so we can collectively lift our glasses to Quinn and Pary and Greta and . . . er . . . Greta and . . . um, I dunno. Guess Sally doesn't know the other guy's name.

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | February 19, 2010 4:28 PM | Report abuse

Greta and . . . um, I dunno. Guess Sally doesn't know the other guy's name.

Posted by: td_in_baltimore |

-------------------------------------------
td, i think it's because Martha Raddatz wouldn't tell Sally. This must be the source of the otehrwise undescribed "tensions." Martha probably told Ben, but like any 88-year-old husband, he forgot.

Is this good enough for the SQ comments?

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | February 19, 2010 4:31 PM | Report abuse

td_in_baltimore
Greta and . . . um, I dunno. Guess Sally doesn't know the other guy's name.

Maybe he's voluntarily in a witness protection program so SQ can't find him.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | February 19, 2010 4:38 PM | Report abuse

Sorry guys, I'm afraid to jump in over there without something a lot stronger than champagne ... ;-)

Posted by: Californian11 | February 19, 2010 4:59 PM | Report abuse

Californian, it's not alcohol you need, it's caffeine!

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | February 19, 2010 5:10 PM | Report abuse

Count down to Elton John summer concert tour announcement...5..4..3..2..

Homey? Really Steven? That's so...the last time anyone cared about a Baldwin not named Alec.

Posted by: EricS2 | February 19, 2010 5:36 PM | Report abuse

And since there was another mention of Kevin Smith here, again just running with the "Too Fat to Fly" story, it's time for an article with actual facts in it. Try this one: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lee-stranahan/kevin-smith-v-southwest-a_b_470024.html

Posted by: NotForYou1 | February 20, 2010 1:50 PM | Report abuse

Jesus was Gay? Let's see. 30 years old, close to his mother, hangs with an all-dude posse.

You do the math.

Posted by: cllrdr | February 22, 2010 9:27 AM | Report abuse

I think there's a conspiracy to keep anyone from seeing certain Lizard posts. I still have not been able to open the comments on Sally Quinn's article - the "loading" circle keeps spinning and spinning - and now comments are closed. Hmmm - anyone else suspicious?

Posted by: mat00 | February 22, 2010 10:24 AM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

 
 
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