Reality Check: 'Dancing with the Stars'
Even Kate Gosselin, Pamela Anderson and more campy ball gowns than you can shake a stick at weren't enough to save Monday evening's "Dancing with the Stars" season premiere from being a two-hour yawn fest. And, predictably, Gosselin and Anderson were saved for the very end of the show, which meant a full hour and forty-five minutes of suffering through watching cheesy soap stars (Aiden Turner), octogenarian astronauts (Buzz Aldrin) and c-list cable stars (Niecy Nash) kill time with a repeating loop of wooden takes on the cha-cha and Viennese waltz.
In seasons past, we've gone through each contestant one-by-one to detail their debut performances. But, honestly, reading a tedious post about Olympic figure skater Evan Lysacek's take on the waltz or a description of bachelor Jake Pavelka's schmaltzy bio video clip would probably be second in boredom only to watching the show itself. So we'll confine ourselves to the few big-time (for "DWTS") names who took the stage last night, but you can see a snippet of each "star's" performance below:
One of the first contestants out on the floor, Doherty -- in serious need of new foundation garments -- did her best to dramatize her way through the waltz. To be fair, the erstwhile "90210" sourpuss confessed to crippling stage fright ahead of the performance, which may account for her less than stellar showing. And, hey, it must've been hard to be in the same room with Pam Anderson since both were once briefly married to Rick Salomon (whose name is somewhat recognizable for being the other half of the Paris Hilton sex tape). Judge Bruno Tonioli summed up her performance nicely: "Your arms were swinging like a primate's."
The Pussycat Doll had a leg up on the competition since she's spent the past several years making money from choreographed dance routines and highly produced pop songs. And it showed. Despite the end-of-arm flowing hankies designed to make her arms appear more -- what? graceful? allergy season ready? -- Scherzinger floated through her routine and was really the only contestant not completely carried through the performance by her dance pro partner (Derek Hough). And it showed. The couple picked up the highest score of the night, setting the bar as the ones to beat.
Considering all the hype that surrounded Gosselin's signing on to the show -- the alleged diva-like behavior, the new hair extensions, the supposedly upset eight kids at home -- last night's Carol Burnett-esque performance was a total letdown. And when Tonioli said as much from the judging table, I was briefly worried that Gosselin's icy glare would turn him to stone. Somewhere Jon Gosselin was smiling contentedly.
Take an aging pin-up, add one part fake tanner, three-parts hair extensions and two parts silicone and -- voila -- you've got Anderson's "DWTS" debut performance. Despite Anderson's attempt to skanque up the cha-cha with some sexy leers at the crowd, partner Damian Whitewood may as well have been dragging an atrophied real doll around the floor. Anderson, despite still having curves in all the right places, has never looked older or more in need of 40 or so hours of restful sleep.
Also on last night's show: Football player Chad Ochocinco (passable), ESPN anchor Erin Andrews (meh), "Bachelor" Jake Pavelka (he brought his partner a rose. Blech.), comedian/TV host Niecy Nash (she dedicated her performance to "thick girls everywhere"), Olympic figure skater Evan Lysacek ("You have the wingspan of a 747," said Tonioli), astronaut Buzz Aldrin (is it sacrilegious for me to say the guy creeped me out?) and soap star Aiden Turner (a one-man love fest).
| March 23, 2010; 10:59 AM ET
Categories: Celebrities, Reality Check
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