Friday List: The Unwatchables -- Shows, movies and viral videos we're proudest to have missed
As consumers of pop culture, we often have to wade through a lot of garbage to get to the good stuff. But sometimes, in lieu of any good stuff we'll park ourselves in front of a TV, movie screen or computer monitor and just give in to the waves of brain cell-murdering mediocrity. Admit it: How many nights have you spent watching yet another episode of "Tool Academy" just because there was nothing better on and you forgot to set the DVR?
But even the most lethargic of couch potatoes have boundaries -- a point-of-no-return line that we will not cross. This came up in last week's Celebritology Live discussion when one reader asked, "What is the TV show/movie you're proudest to say that you've never watched?"
Well, we thought that question would make a mighty fine Friday List, but we've expanded it to include Web-only (aka "viral") videos since they increasingly take up a substantial portion of our online time.
So: What is the TV show/movie/viral video you're proudest to say that you've never seen?
We'll each offer five of our top non-watchables below -- and trust me, it was hard to winnow these lists down to five -- then ask you to do the same in the comments section below.
1. "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila" -- I follow this diminutive self-promoting hellraiser on Twitter because, you know, it's in the job description -- but I could never bring myself to watch suitors vie for "everyone's favorite bisexual bachelorette's" manic attention.
2. Dustin "Screech" Diamond's sex tape -- Sure, he was okay as part of a cheesy ensemble cast, but somehow watching shaky video of this pathetic has-been perform a "Dirty Sanchez" on some random chick in a hotel bathroom didn't appeal to me.
3. Jennifer Aniston's last 10 movies -- I kid you not. No "Along Came Polly." No "The Break-up." No "Marley & Me." I am not a fan of this woman and her saccharine rom-coms. Though she did do an okay job as a flair-wearing waitress in 1999's "Office Space."
4. Any of the "High School Musical" movies -- What? You mean I missed out on watching over-coiffed tweens jazz-hand their way through PG-friendly song-and-dance numbers? Ummm, yay! Sorry tweeners. I honestly couldn't pick that Efron kid out of a crowd if my life depended on it.
5. Gwyneth Paltrow's "Spain... On the Road Again": Listen, I can barely keep my breakfast down each Thursday morning when her GOOP-y newsletter hits my inbox. I don't like to think how I'd react to the insouciant one playing the gastronome in a 13- (thirteen?!?!) part PBS series.
Bonus! Things I'm sorry I did see: David Hasselhoff's drunken cheeseburger vid, "Dancing with the Stars" (just pick a season), one-third of a "Pretty Wild" episode, Bear Grylls's self-administered enema and, unfortunately, 10 seconds of "2 girls 1 Cup" (thanks for that, Weingarten).
1. "Flavor of Love": I once accidentally flipped by an episode of this Flava Flav dating disaster show and lasted all of five seconds before feeling so physically nauseous, I had to turn off the television, lie down and limit my diet to Saltines and ice chips for the ensuing 24 hours. "Fear of a Black Planet"? No, I'm cool with pretty much everything Flav did as part of Public Enemy. Fear of this horrifying reality show that demeans women and anyone with a couple of functioning brain cells? Totally.
2. The Pam Anderson/Tommy Lee sex tape and the Paris Hilton sex tape: For the record, I haven't seen the Dustin Diamond sex tape either. But these two were more, uh, famous and therefore, perhaps, more challenging to avoid. I pride myself on having enough of an open mind to watch anything. (Yes, I have seen two out of three "High School Musicals." And yes, I actually like Zac Efron.) But sex tapes -- no matter who stars -- are where I draw the line.
3. A pro wrestling match in its entirety: WWE? WWF? All that makes me say is WSIC -- Why Should I Care? Even during the heyday of Capt. Lou Albano and Hulk Hogan, I couldn't bring myself to sit through an evening's worth of bogus body slams. Back when Dwayne Johnson was still The Rock, I smelled what he was cooking. It just didn't make me hungry.
4. Every Steven Seagal movie ever made: "Hard to Kill"? Nope. "Out for Justice"? Nope. "Under Siege" and/or "Under Siege 2: Dark Territory"? Haven't even seen a millisecond on cable at 3 in the morning. I did see "The Onion Movie," in which Seagal very briefly makes a cameo. But that flick barely counts as a movie, honestly. I do plan to break this trend, however, once Robert Rodriguez finally releases "Machete."
5. A complete season of "American Idol": I will admit to watching a couple episodes from the end of the first season, and a results announcement here or there. But I have never committed myself to an entire season of "Idol" and, even with that lovely Ellen DeGeneres on the show, I never will. I get the guilty pleasure factor. But I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that people will actually sit and watch young, aspiring vocalists croon their way through Burt Bacharach Night and not consider it proof that society, as we know it, is crumbling before our eyes.
Bonus! Things I'm sorry I did see: The dancing baby (disturbing on "Ally McBeal," disturbing on the Internet, just plain disturbing); "Surviving Christmas" (survived ... barely); that really disgusting scene in "Freddy Got Fingered" that involves a horse, but that one only happened because they showed the clip during the Razzies; several episodes of "a.k.a. Pablo"; and "National Lampoon's Gold Diggers," a film I called: "so stupefyingly hideous that after watching it, you'll need to bathe in 10 gallons of disinfectant, get a full-body scrub and shampoo with vinegar to remove the scummy residue that remains." I stand by that review.
Liz Kelly and Jen Chaney
| April 2, 2010; 12:38 PM ET
Categories: Friday Lists, Pop Culture
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