Betty White, cracking up the kids while Sandra Bullock receives her Generation Award at the MTV Movie Awards. (Reuters)
BROWSE PHOTOS: MTV MOVIE AWARDS
If you felt a sudden shift in the Earth's tectonic plates last night at around 9 p.m. Eastern time, do not panic. That movement merely signified the restoration of class and decorum to our culture courtesy of the MTV Movie Awards, an annual ceremony known for its sense of decency and unwavering appreciation for the intelligence of its audience.
And by class and decorum, I am of course referring to that close-up shot of Christina Aguilera's crotch with a glowing heart on it, and Sandra Bullock's random girl-on-girl kiss with Scarlett Johansson, and the dropping of at least 177 f-bombs -- and that was just during the portions of the program in which Tom Cruise did his Les Grossman-from-"Tropic Thunder" routine. Collectively, it made Howard Stern's Fartman appearance during the 1992 MTV Video Music Awards seem decidedly quaint and understated.
In case you missed the show, here are the highlights, for lack of a better word.
Kissing up: Lip-locking was an ongoing theme during the ceremony. Prior to the presentation of the coveted Best Kiss award, MTV let loose a Kiss-Cam in the audience. For a brief moment, I thought we might get to see Jason Bateman and Dustin Hoffman go at it again, but instead we were treated to a make-out session between Jonah Hill and Russell Brand and a fumblingly adorable, half-hearted smack from Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens. That kiss seemed all the cuter, by the way, after Best Kiss winners Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson acted all sheepish on stage for what seemed like an eternity, then sort of kissed, but at an angle the camera couldn't capture.
But even that wasn't the Kiss of the Evening. That unofficial honor goes to Sandra Bullock (who loves to kiss the ladies during awards shows) and Scarlett Johansson, who shared a moment when Bullock accepted her Generation Award. And that moment seemed in no way preplanned or rehearsed, by the way.
Bullock: She's back: Speaking of Sandra, her big, return-to-the-public-eye moment happened last night, but it didn't feel particularly momentous. She got a big standing ovation for receiving the MTV Generation Award, then quashed rumors that she's taking a break from Hollywood. "No matter what you might have seen or heard or read lately, I love what I do and I'm not going anywhere," she confirmed. Then she clarified other allegedly misreported information that has circulated around her in recent weeks -- "Everybody has cellulite, not just me" -- and capped off the whole thing with an expression of empathy for those dealing with the Gulf oil spill and a kiss for ScarJo. Not surprisingly, neither the words Jesse nor James were uttered, although she did make sly reference to her soon-to-be-ex at the Guys Choice Awards the night before. Still, I am really glad she made that point about cellulite because so many people have been under the impression for years that that was just a Sandra Bullock problem.
WTF moment, third place: Since MTV honored the WTF movie moment of the year (Congrats, Ken Jeong of "The Hangover!" Your win crushed the dreams of up-and-comer Betty White!), it only seems right to recognize the WTF moment of the MTV Movie Awards. Unfortunately, one happened every five minutes. So the best I could do is narrow it down to three.
In third place, we have Mark Wahlberg -- who, alongside Will Ferrell, hovered over the stage in a harness during the presentation of the Best Villain award as a jokey way to promote their upcoming action-comedy "The Other Guys" -- spewing profanities during "Harry Potter" star Tom Felton's acceptance speech at such an alarming rate that the bleeps couldn't keep up with the guy. Some choice words made it into the live broadcast, and also prevented us from hearing Felton, who seemed genuinely pleased to be honored with a trophy that looks like a bucket of popcorn. I know the kid is in the Slytherin House and all, but geez, Wahlberg, couldn't you pipe down for a few seconds?
WTF moment, second place: Tom Cruise donned his Les Grossman fat suit and busted out some dance moves with J. Lo while wife Katie Holmes cheered and grinned happily from the audience. One half of my brain shouted: "Gratuitous! Random! Embarrassing!" while the other half shouted: "Maverick can dance! Maverick can really dance!" Is it too late for Cruise to somehow make a cameo appearance in "Step Up 3-D"? (The madness begins in the video below at about the two-minute mark.)
WTF moment of the night: The champion: Of all the random, distasteful things that occurred during the Movie Awards -- man, I didn't even get to further discuss Jeong's bare bottom or the perpetually annoyed look on Kristen Stewart's face -- by far the weirdest was Christina Aguilera's crotch. Specifically, the glowing, electronic heart placed right over the lower-lady-part section of her glittery leotard, which was impossible to miss because the camera zoomed in on it at the end of Aguilera's Lady Gaga-esque musical performance, then held the close-up, allowing us to fully revel in the high-tech savvy that Aguilera's vagina clearly possesses.
I could make a lot of additional jokes here, but none of them will make it past my editor. So I'll just stop and let you make your own comments about the MTV Movie Awards.
Oh yeah, one quick thing: "Twilight" won pretty much everything. But no one pays attention to this refined affair because of the awards, do they? Yeah, didn't think so.