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Posted at 10:52 AM ET, 08/ 5/2010

The Celebrity Booty Reader

By Paul Williams

The booty of Jennifer Lopez demanded to be read...(AP)


... as did the booty of Lady Gaga. (AP)

When I read this post about Old Navy's new Booty Reader microsite -- which allows you to upload pictures of your derriere, then recommends a pair of jeans -- I had the only logical reaction: "How will it evaluate a variety of celebrity behinds?" (Apparently Jezebel had a similar reaction, but only applied the test to Coco Austin, wife of Ice T. I felt a wider sample was needed, if you'll pardon the adjective.)

Warning: This entry may break the record for the number of euphemisms for "buttocks," an honor currently held by the Wikipedia listing for Kim Kardashian.

Users can submit two pictures of their cabooses, one from straight on and the other in profile, to the Booty Reader, who appears to be the long-lost daughter of Zoltar. Carefully, slowly, painstakingly, I combed through Google Image searches to find just the right celeb fannies. Here are my results.

Jennifer Lopez: I started small ... er, big ... um, I mean simply, with the preeminent butt of her generation. I cropped my J-Lo pictures down to just above the waist to her mid-thigh, uploaded them and then fit them between the hands of the Booty Reader, who exclaimed things like "now this is a divine derriere." Next, I dragged and stretched or shrank a series of lines with names like "The Lunar Shelf" and "Mount Rumpicus" across the waist, rear and thighs in both pictures.

The Booty Reader demanded my silence while the booty was speaking to her, then offered this analysis: "Sassitarius: Voluptuous hips with a flat tummy and a full backside."

Not bad Booty Reader, not bad at all. But now let's try something different.

Kristen Bell: Now that I had my control sample, I repeated the process with the teeny-tiny Kristen Bell. Booty Reader says: "Denimi: Voluptuous hips with a modest booty and an enviable flat tummy."

Well played, BR.

Lady Gaga: Let's just say it wasn't too hard to find acceptable pictures of Lady Gaga's kiester, what with my Safe Search set to "Moderate."

Booty Reader says: "Capribooty: A curvaceous figure with a flat tummy and a perky behind."

I'd say she was 3-3 so far. Time to mix things up a little.


Gwyneth Hendricks:
I decided to throw the Booty Reader a curveball -- Christina Hendricks from directly behind and Gwyneth Paltrow in profile. Before I reveal the results, I'd like to make two observations about Google Image Search:


    1

    When you begin typing the name of a celebrity into the search box, Google will suggest "Celebrity Name No Clothes," which means more people type that than the much shorter "Celebrity Name Naked." I just thought that was odd.

    2

    It's almost impossible to find a picture of Gwyneth Paltrow from the back. I'm now not sure she actually exists.


Booty Reader evaluates this Frankenbum also as a Sassitarius.


Bradley Cooper:
Jen insisted, purely for reasons of gender equity, that the backside of Bradley Cooper also deserves a thorough examination. This is a little odd since the Booty Reader only recommends women's jeans, but hey, she calls the shots. I'm not sure how she feels about B.R.'s analysis though: "Divinium: Straight through the hips, flat tummy, demure backside."

By Paul Williams  | August 5, 2010; 10:52 AM ET
Categories:  Celebrities, Fashion  
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Comments

Oh, THAT type of booty. I thought you meant... um, never mind.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | August 5, 2010 11:21 AM | Report abuse

Warning: This entry may break the record for t"he number of euphemisms for "buttocks," an honor currently held by the Wikipedia listing for Kim Kardashian."

I laughed so hard I almost went into a coughing fit. Thank you, Mr. Williams.

Posted by: Bawlmer51 | August 5, 2010 11:59 AM | Report abuse

Must be nice to get paid for doing this heavy-duty "research"

Posted by: MrsKerin | August 5, 2010 12:11 PM | Report abuse

"Jen insisted, purely for reasons of gender equity, that the backside of Bradley Cooper also deserves a thorough examination"

ROFL. That's your story and you're sticking to it, huh Jen? ;-)

Posted by: Californian11 | August 5, 2010 12:14 PM | Report abuse

Now, THIS is the type of analassis that belongs in Celebritology. No offence to any of other celebritologists, butt you have outdone yourself, Producer Paul.

Posted by: reddragon1 | August 5, 2010 12:57 PM | Report abuse

The Booty Reader said that I was a perfect a-s-s. This does not surprise me. Ms Snatchquatch tells me all te time that I'm a perfect jack-a-s-s-.

Posted by: sasquatchbigfoot | August 5, 2010 1:57 PM | Report abuse

Dyslexic spelling of the cryptid's name?
a-s-squatch

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | August 5, 2010 3:51 PM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

 
 
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