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Posted at 8:45 AM ET, 02/25/2011

Charlie Sheen's radio rant: From 'Apocalypse Now' to pee tests

By Liz Kelly

Charlie Sheen. (Getty Images)

On Thursday, Charlie Sheen unleashed a vitriolic, yet ill-conceived, radio rant in which he mainly targeted "Two and a Half Men" creator/writer Chuck Lorre, calling him -- among other things -- a "charlatan" and approaching ethnic slur territory by repeatedly calling Lorre a Hebrew variation of his birth name: Chaim Levine.

As our esteemed colleague Lisa de Moraes reported, CBS's reaction was nothing short of career-ending: Production on what is (inexplicably) the highest rated sitcom on TV has been shut down for the remainder of the season "based on the totality of Charlie Sheen’s statements, conduct and condition."

So, what did he say? Listen to the 18-minute "Alex Jones Show" interview here. It's breathtaking in its own sad, pitiful way. Sheen comes off as a rabid egomaniac who spends his days holed up in his home theater watching "Apocalypse Now," a movie in which his father starred and relating his life to the movie's mysterious (yet aptly insane) Col. Kurtz:

(Warning: Sheen spells out a NSFW word in the clip.)

After the jump, we've transcribed some choice quotes...

On his sobriety:
"Here's your pee test. Next one goes in your mouth."

On his three girlfriends (we assume):
"The goddesses. I don't believe the term is good enough. But when you're bound by these terrestrial descriptions, you must use the best term available... What we all have is a marriage of the heart."

On who's holding him back:
"I'm dealing with fools and trolls.. I don't have time for their judgment and stupidity. You know they lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and say 'I can't process it.' Well no, you never will. Just sit back and enjoy the show."

On why he's better than the average bear:
"I didn't care about that vanity card. That's one of the few compliments that clown has paid me in almost a decade. If I bring up these turds, these little homunculese (?) losers, there's no reason to then bring them back into the fold. Because I have real fame and they have nothing."

On his beef with "Two and a Half Men" creator Chuck Lorre:
"I'm tired of being told you can't talk about that. Bull [expletive]. It's nothing this side of deplorable that Chaim Levine -- yeah that's his real name mistook this rock star for his exit strategy. I embarrassed him in front of his children by healing at a pace that his brain can't process. Last time I checked, Chaim, I've spent the last decade turning your tin cans into gold. And this charlatan chose not to do his job, which is to write. Clearly someone who believes he's above the law. You've been warned, dude, bring it."

On his self-confidence:
"I got magic. I got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time, and this includes naps, I'm an F18 bro and I will destroy you in the air and deploy my ordinance to the ground."

On his latest tattoo:
"Getting a tattoo during the death from above scene [in 'Apocalypse Now']. It's a banner from the death card that Kilgore is throwing on his victims. But also on it is the apple from 'The Giving Tree.' There's my life. Deal with it. Oh wait, can't process it. Losers. Winning. Buh-bye!"

On the prospect of a "Major League 3":
"I agreed to do it. There's just one detail they need to work out. If I'm in it it's a smash. If I'm not, it's a turd that opens on a tug boat."

By Liz Kelly  | February 25, 2011; 8:45 AM ET
Categories:  Celebrities, Charlie Sheen  | Tags:  Charlie Sheen  
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Comments

Yipes.

Just.

Yipes.

Posted by: wadejg | February 25, 2011 9:10 AM | Report abuse

Well, he is speaking from rehab, right?

Posted by: SusanMarie2 | February 25, 2011 9:11 AM | Report abuse

Well, he is speaking from rehab, right?

Posted by: SusanMarie2 | February 25, 2011 9:13 AM | Report abuse

Goodness, I hope he didn't learn such talk from his parents, because that would lower them in my esteem as well.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | February 25, 2011 9:17 AM | Report abuse

Er, in my "estimation."

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | February 25, 2011 9:21 AM | Report abuse

I can't decide if he has been spending too much time with Mel Gibson or the Quaids. Probably both.

The first mistake was being a liberal who goes on the Alex Jones show.


Oh well, at least it is pilot season. The crew can go look for other work now rather than being on hold for this F18 crash.

Posted by: epjd | February 25, 2011 9:22 AM | Report abuse

I had thought he was just a run of the mill celebrity substance abuser, and his escapades just seemed amusing to me. But now that I have seen these quotes, the full extent of his complete a--holishness has revealed itself. This guy needs some kind of super rehab. I don't know if there is any hope for him. Good riddance!

Posted by: justmike | February 25, 2011 9:23 AM | Report abuse

SusanMarie2, I seem to recall that Sheen claimed to be "rehabbing" at home, but declared that he'd completed its course. Apparently, he was delusional about that as well.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | February 25, 2011 9:26 AM | Report abuse

Charlie sheen got dropped from CBS because of the interview on the alex jones show. heres the link for the full interview

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGdshc0AtOE&feature=player_embedded

Posted by: Pasquotanksurfer | February 25, 2011 9:27 AM | Report abuse

at least somebody in hollywood has enough balls to step up to the plate for the fight against this whole globalist takeover to bring in the New World Order. check out www.infowars.com for the uncensored truth!!

Posted by: Pasquotanksurfer | February 25, 2011 9:30 AM | Report abuse

GETTYMOVIE … Getty/Hitler Trilogy is dedicated to UCLA Professor Emeritus Gene Levine.

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=getty+and+hitler&x=0&y=0

http://www.GETTYMOVIE.com

Posted by: MacDonald1 | February 25, 2011 9:36 AM | Report abuse

I tried to feel sorry for him but it's really difficult. Has he been checked for bi-polar disease? I hated Two and a Half Men because of its filthy language and vulgarities but didn't know that his lines in that were so much cleaner than his actual speech.

Posted by: amac3 | February 25, 2011 9:41 AM | Report abuse

Something in this blog item really triggered the spam bots.

Posted by: MStreet1 | February 25, 2011 9:41 AM | Report abuse

"Homunculese"?

Charlie, Charlie, Charlie: it's HOMUNCULAR.

Sheesh.

Posted by: byoolin1 | February 25, 2011 9:43 AM | Report abuse

ep, that's something else that made me feel bad, that the crew and rest of the cast are made to suffer because of Sheen's behavior (not that they haven't had a good run, but still...). I wish they'd done like "Spin City" and brought in another actor (ironically, Charlie was the replacement in that show). Some wag proposed brother Emilio Estevez to play the brothers' cousin, which could've worked, and saved a whole lot of jobs.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | February 25, 2011 9:44 AM | Report abuse

What a pathetic waste; Charlie what are you trying to prove...other than you're a totally irresponsible, selfish person; stay away from your children (GOD BLESS THEM)don't drag them down with you & I hope with the shutdown of 'MEN', the cast & crew were compensated!

Posted by: nan6204cablespeedcom | February 25, 2011 9:52 AM | Report abuse

Nosy, even Emilio has the brains to stay away from that show.

Rehab has moved from his home to the Bahamas, with estranged wife Brooke, his new girlfriend and a porn star. WHY do women keep going out with this guy? Especially the ones who should know better because they were married to him. The drugs can't be that good.

Posted by: epjd | February 25, 2011 9:58 AM | Report abuse

GETTYMOVIE … Getty/Hitler Trilogy is dedicated to UCLA Professor Emeritus Gene Levine.
An employee at the Getty owned Pierre Hotel in New York City wondered why there were so many Germans being hired and staying at The Pierre during World War II. He called the FBI and the FBI charged J.P. Getty with Espionage, FBI File 100.1202, June 26, 1940. 43,000 people were killed in the UK while J. Paul Getty was in Berlin still shipping oil to Hitler five months before Pearl Harbor; December 7, 1941. The mother of J.P. Getty was German. 2003 documents declassified by UK Warfare Ministry reveal that in Oct. 1941 the pro-Nazi Jean Paul Getty employed and lodged Nazis at his Pierre Hotel in New York City; Nazis who were involved in spying on and sabotaging Allied Forces’ war production plants. As aristocrats with treasures of art were executed -- beginning in 1933 -- with the outbreak of war; Getty assiduously added to his vast collection with the Nazis. The Rembrandt of Marten Looten hangs in the Los Angeles County Museum of Art. The Gainsborough of Christie purchased in 1938 is at The Getty Museum in Los Angeles.

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=getty+and+hitler&x=0&y=0

http://www.GETTYMOVIE.com

Posted by: MacDonald1 | February 25, 2011 10:03 AM | Report abuse

What's this "approaching ethnic slur territory" by calling Chuck Lorre, Haim Levine? If Haim Levine changed his name to Chuck Lorre to make his name less Jewish, isn't that worthy of finding out why rather than saying Charlie's use of his real name is approaching slur territory. I guess Haim's friends are well placed at the Washington Post.

Posted by: McDreamy | February 25, 2011 10:05 AM | Report abuse

Thanks Nosy_Parker. Well, it doesn't sound like he's done with rehab, it sounds like he is still IN rehab! He is still putting on this tough guy persona instead of dealing with whatever it is he was supposed to be dealing with...

Posted by: SusanMarie2 | February 25, 2011 10:12 AM | Report abuse

The saddest thing is that since the show is so highly rated, they'll probably forgive and forget and welcome him back with open wallets.

Though I'd like to see one of four things happen instead:

1) The show is canceled (my preference.)

2) They swap out Emilio and see if anyone notices (cf. Chris Patridge, Becky Conner). There's another Sheen brother too, isn't there? Why am I thinking that? Even if he's not an actor, he must be a better one than Charlie.

3) They bring in either Andrew McCarthy or James Spader and rename the show, "Two-and-a-Half Men Pretty in Pink."

4) They bring in Jim Belushi to replace Charlie as the half-brother they never knew they had. I mean the show's already completely unfunny. Even Jim can't bring it lower on the "comedy" scale.

And we wouldn't have to watch (for those who do, ahem) Charlie's gamut-from-A-to-A-minus shtick of sitting on the sofa with one leg crossed speaking without opening his mouth very widely. It's a thought.

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | February 25, 2011 10:23 AM | Report abuse

Memo to Charlie Sheen: Well, that does it. Your erratic behavior and big mouth have caused the cancellation of your TV series.

Not only have you caused your own career to self-destruct, but also you're the reason so many people involved with producing the series are out of work.

Frankly, we've all had our fill of Good Time Charlie. Now is the time change, to turn your life around completely. No more abusing anything or anybody. Your life depends on it.

This is your wake-up call. Quite possibly, your final one.

Posted by: Mary_Anne_Landers | February 25, 2011 10:23 AM | Report abuse

ep
WHY do women keep going out with this guy?

I recall seeing some years ago that one of Charlie's tats reads "Back in 15 minutes," apparently referring to his, um, resilience.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | February 25, 2011 10:32 AM | Report abuse

Besides, I could never watch that stupid show anyway without looking at that set and thinking it looked just like "Laverne & Shirley"'s place when they moved to California. And as such, wishing these guys had half Penny Marshall's and Cindy Williams' (comparatively!) comedic genius.

Posted by: td_in_baltimore | February 25, 2011 10:33 AM | Report abuse

Cancel the series, kick the bum to the curb, and quit giving him any more jobs and publicity. The arrogant, selfish, and rude creature needs an eye-opener that apparently can't be gained from any kind of rehab. There are plenty of other people who would be happy to have his job and not act like a complete idiot [polite term].

Posted by: sober1 | February 25, 2011 10:33 AM | Report abuse

OMG, TD, it is. I just realized that when you said it. Too funny.

The other acting Sheen brother is Ramon. Don't ask how I know this.

Posted by: epjd | February 25, 2011 10:41 AM | Report abuse

td, Jim Belushi already has a new show on CBS, "The Defenders" (with Jerry O'Connell). To my amazement, it's actually pretty good, written to bring out Jim's strongest suits (so to speak).

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | February 25, 2011 10:41 AM | Report abuse

td, Jim Belushi already has a new show on CBS, "The Defenders" (with Jerry O'Connell). To my amazement, it's actually pretty good, written to bring out Jim's strongest suits (so to speak).

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | February 25, 2011 10:44 AM | Report abuse

(Sorry for the double post. Computer needs some Metamucil this morning)

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | February 25, 2011 10:46 AM | Report abuse

ep
The other acting Sheen brother is Ramon. Don't ask how I know this.

Well, I assumed it was cuz you've been working on your Celebritology license, now that you've already passed both bars, legal and Lizard Island ;-)

How about sister Renée coming onto the show as a cousin? She's had TV experience in a small role on "West Wing."

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | February 25, 2011 10:50 AM | Report abuse

@McDreamy If his name were Haim Levine, your argument would hold water, but he was born Charles Michael Levine.

And way to make Lindsay Lohan look restrained and under control there, Charlie. I didn't think it could be done!

Posted by: WoodleyParker | February 25, 2011 11:06 AM | Report abuse

Wow. I thought Hollywood would be willing to turn a blind eye, or at least work with the craziness, because he's a money maker. Hollywood can forgive a lot as long as there is profit in it. But you don't sh*t where you eat, and that's pretty much what he just did. I have a feeling we might not be seeing much of him in the years to come!

Posted by: DCCubefarm | February 25, 2011 11:08 AM | Report abuse

Some awesome Charlie-snarking still going on at:
http://live.washingtonpost.com/compost-live-0225.html

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | February 25, 2011 12:15 PM | Report abuse

It's about time. I guess if he won't get booted off the sitcom for violence against his wife and substance abuse and absenteeism and unreliability, then at least razzing his bosses gets the job done.

I haven't seen this total a meltdown since Mel Gibson. Can we now ignore Charlie, like we're doing to Mel?

Posted by: cfow1 | February 25, 2011 12:41 PM | Report abuse

Good point, cfow. Don't forget Michael Richards, either.

Posted by: Nosy_Parker | February 25, 2011 12:51 PM | Report abuse

"And this charlatan chose not to do his job, which is to write."

Well, you've got to admit he's correct there. The writing on the show is horrible. Of course the acting is only a little bit better.

Otherwise, he's approaching Mel Gibson territory.

Posted by: jslaff | February 25, 2011 1:07 PM | Report abuse

With his delusions of grandeur, his repeated defensive-type themes, and his far-reaching metaphors - Charlie Sheen sounds like he really has a different illness than addiction, he really sounds like he has paranoid schizophrenia. He's also probably been self-medicating for years. Very sad. The kind of assistance he needs is not drug rehab, it's mental health treatment.

Posted by: kmh2 | February 26, 2011 8:03 PM | Report abuse

He's an arrogant turd! I hope for his family's sake he gets help but I personally never want to see or hear anything about him ever again!!! Just GO AWAY CHARLIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Frederick6coxnet | February 27, 2011 9:43 PM | Report abuse

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