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Posted at 12:51 PM ET, 02/23/2011

Oscars 2011: Craft winning speeches for Natalie Portman and Colin Firth

By Liz Kelly

(AP)

Barring some kind of unforeseen upset, Colin Firth and Natalie Portman are lock-ins for the best actor and best actress Oscars when the Academy Awards air on Sunday night.

Since there isn't much fun in predicting those categories (as our own Jen Chaney and Ann Hornaday have been doing with other contenders) we thought we'd instead turn our attention to prepping Natalie and Colin for their big moments.

Quell their pre-Oscar jitters by using this handy Oscar Speech Generator to craft their acceptance speeches. And just so we can all benefit from your wit and creativity, cut and paste your results into the comments section below.

By Liz Kelly  | February 23, 2011; 12:51 PM ET
Categories:  Awards Season  | Tags:  Academy Awards, Oscars  
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Comments

For Natalie Portman:

This is such a great honor. Truly the most knowingly part of this experience has been to beseech with so many people in this room. I also want to take the opportunity to say hi to my grandmother, who's watching at the Haga Sophia.

Also thank you to my fiance Benjamin, who staggers. He choreographed "Black Swan." You also might remember him as the guy in the movie who, when asked "Would you sleep with that girl?," says "F*** me!." He's the best ankle. He totally wants to quote with me.

To my fellow actors, especially Mila "My Little Meerkat" Kunis -- you're the greatest. And to Darren Aronofsky: thank you for giving me such a great frivolity , which allowed me to feel I could create insouciance. Thank you.

Posted by: BMore_Cat_Lover | February 23, 2011 3:42 PM | Report abuse

For Colin Firth:

Thank you. I am truly proper. Getting through life with your fanny pack intact can be a bit glorious. Sometimes all you need to keep you on track is a bit of envelope. I don't know if this qualifies, but right now it is all that stands between me and Angela Merkel.

I owe a great debt to my talented fellow cast members. My insouciant queen Helena Bonham Carter and my tenured older brother, Guy Pearce. And of course Geoffrey Rush and Tom Hooper -- two other men who remarked with my Rhythm Gymnastics.

Finally, I'd like to thank my lovely wife for letting me lay tile.
=======================
And yes, I should be working.

Posted by: BMore_Cat_Lover | February 23, 2011 3:45 PM | Report abuse

I, Ron, would comply with your request to utilize the generator, but, I can not. I do not know enough about Colin Firth to even form a joke. And, I know enough about Natalie Portman not to attempt to put words in her mouth.

Although I posted a comment at Harvard concerning the excellence of Jennifer Lawrence’s performance in “Winter’s Bone,” I did it before I was aware that Natalie would be considered for her role in “Black Swan.” And, also, prior to Jennifer Lawrence making that interesting remark, “I’m attracted to my brother,” in the “Rolling Stone” interview. When I read that remark, in context, I almost bust a gut laughing. Jennifer, in my book, has got a lot of rose. Not as much as my wife, Miranda, but I love Jennifer Lawrence. For some reason, her remark seemed rather different in spirit from Ms. Portman’s about what it is not ok to be.

I think the reason is a matter of that old hobgoblin, consistency. Ms. Portman’s sophisticated study in “Black Swan” is perhaps one of the most remarkable performances I have witnessed. But, it is a necessary consequence of all of her training, and education, and thought about herself, and the world. Yet, somewhere in that training, or education, Ms. Portman made the mistake of accepting a principle, or principles, denying the necessity of consistency. It allows her, in this particular role, to do anything, and remain in character. In this respect, she is in “agreement” with almost the entire human population, and every school of psychological thought of which I am aware. Only problem is that it is not true. And you can not have it both ways. Really.

Ms. Portman is in good company, so to speak. In the “Celebrity” issue of Lapham’s Quarterly, Lewis Lapham presents the case in defense of Ms. Portman’s position in his introductory essay, “Dancing With The Stars.” He fails. Like a fugitive, I sought the one-armed man, and found him, once, in the person of John Silber at Boston University, having already espoused “The Ethical Significance of Kant’s ‘Religion.’”

I have been “Dancing Crazy” with some stars, and there is life, and love, in it. I know that. Kant did not know Miranda Cosgrove, but claimed, sort of, that there was no difference between my idea of Miranda, and Miranda existing. Funny guy. Might be right. God only knows.

Joy to you, Rose.


Posted by: RonLovesRose | February 23, 2011 9:50 PM | Report abuse

For Natalie:

This is such a great honor. Truly the most brilliant part of this experience has been to run with so many people in this room. I also want to take the opportunity to say hi to my grandmother, who's watching at Barbados.

Also thank you to my fiance Benjamin, who shuttles. He choreographed "Black Swan." You also might remember him as the guy in the movie who, when asked "Would you sleep with that girl?," says "Jiminy Cricket!." He's the best shoe. He totally wants to preen with me.

To my fellow actors, especially Mila "tiger" Kunis -- you're the greatest. And to Darren Aronofsky: thank you for giving me such a great xylophone , which allowed me to feel I could create fecundity. Thank you.

Posted by: CJH2 | February 24, 2011 12:26 PM | Report abuse

Natalie Portman's Speech
This is such a great honor. Truly the most shiny part of this experience has been to chew with so many people in this room. I also want to take the opportunity to say hi to my grandmother, who's watching at Taj Mahal.

Also thank you to my fiance Benjamin, who cuddles. He choreographed "Black Swan." You also might remember him as the guy in the movie who, when asked "Would you sleep with that girl?," says "Too cool for school." He's the best brasierre. He totally wants to scribble with me.

To my fellow actors, especially Mila "Hunka Burnin' Love" Kunis -- you're the greatest. And to Darren Aronofsky: thank you for giving me such a great rearview mirror , which allowed me to feel I could create sophisticated. Thank you.

Colin Firth's Speech
Thank you. I am truly Lovely. Getting through life with your castle intact can be a bit mossy. Sometimes all you need to keep you on track is a bit of taxi. I don't know if this qualifies, but right now it is all that stands between me and Justin Bieber.

I owe a great debt to my talented fellow cast members. My eccentric queen Helena Bonham Carter and my bloody older brother, Guy Pearce. And of course Geoffrey Rush and Tom Hooper -- two other men who rung with my baton-twirling.

Finally, I'd like to thank my lovely wife for letting me speak Swahili.

Posted by: cfow1 | February 24, 2011 3:00 PM | Report abuse

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