Celebritology

Jon and Kate Gosselin in happier times, before being chewed up and spat out by the reality show wringer. (Photo courtesy TLC)

This week we have something for which to be truly thankful: The end of "Jon & Kate," though possibly not an immediate end to Jon Gosselin and Kate Gosselin as well-worn headline fodder.

If the 15 minutes of fame for these estranged parents of eight follows a logical trajectory, the absence of a regularly airing TV show and an army of TLC publicists should cut off most of the blood supply to the couple's fame. Meaning that a year from now they'll be footnotes, with news of Jon's latest exploits falling somewhere just below the misadventures of Joe Francis or Octomom Nadya Suleman.

Having said that (and you Larry David fans know whereof I speak), it is equally likely that both Jon and Kate Gosselin -- in the absence of "docudrama" cameras and the frisson of one another's presence -- will still remain very much at the forefront of celebri-tainment headlines. Because when it comes to fame, logic ain't always part of the equation. The bar for what qualifies as "news" -- and for who qualifies as a newsmaker -- has fallen so far, it is indistinguishable from the earth's core.

Take, for instance, any member of the Lohan family -- from trainwreck Lindsay to despicable dad Michael. Thanks to his regularly scheduled releases of private phone conversations and her non-stop, incoherent Twittering, we are treated to an almost daily digest of Lohan exploits. Or better yet, consider the Kardashian family -- dearly departed dad's association with O.J. Simpson and Kim K's Ray-Jay sex tape were the clan's cheap price of admission into the tabs alongside actual stars.

I could go on, but I think you get my point. Do you agree that we aren't likely to escape Jon and Kate, even if they've managed to escape each other? Or do you think that the final "Jon & Kate Plus 8" really does mark the end of an era, to use the term "era" loosely?

Headlines: Martha Stewart apologizes for dissing Rachael Ray... Brangelina gave $6.4 million to charity in 2008... the same year, Will Smith and wife Jada Pinkett-Smith gave $70,000 to Scientology groups... ABC flooded with complaints about Adam Lambert's AMA performance; citing artistic freedom, Lambert remains unapologetic... J.Lo says her AMA fall was intentional... Courteney Cox set to return to "Cougar Town" set... Timbaland cuts Chris Brown from his album... Keith Urban wants daughter Sunday Rose to become a singer... Are you obsessed enough with Robert Pattinson to buy a documentary about Robert Pattinson obsession?... Zac Efron's hair secret: sleep on it wet... Corey Feldman re-ups for another "Lost Boys" sequel... Candy Spelling settles suit with former maid.

Crime Watch: Police chief convicted for stealing from Sarah Jessica Parker's surrogate... Man pleads innocent to taping Erin Andrews nude.

Pix: Lisa Rinna sans makeup... Kristen Stewart sports pot leaf bikini in 2008 pic.

Video: The 10 best celebrity computer ads of the 1980s [AdFreak]...

More: Spencer Pratt frets that wife Heidi Montag is pregnant, in which case, he says the marriage is "game over."

Rumor Mill: Former lawyer wants Jon Gosselin to cough up $43,000 in unpaid fees... Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom buy $4 million home.

Say What?
"Are you serious? You don't recognize me? I'm Miley Cyrus." -- Cyrus's alleged response when asked by an employee at a New York eatery what name to attach to her order.

I ask because based on the pix released by Playgirl.com in an attempt to cajole us into buying a monthly pass to view an expanded gallery (I wasn't able to expense, so no go), I'm getting less heat than I would from an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog. See Levi. See Levi topless. See Levi sweaty. See Levi's armpit hair. Meh.

(Photo courtesy Playgirl.com)

Male nudity, beefcake, has always been a hit or miss kind of thing. Mostly miss. Witness the limited success of the male stripping industry. Even the Chippendales come off as more party prank (let's make the bride-to-be blush!) than party favor. The unadorned male body (sorry guys) just doesn't have that crucial "it" factor -- curves, smoothness, lack of lower back hair -- that keeps everything from girlie mags to the fashion industry moving along at a steady hum.

(This isn't to say, guys, that you don't have definite attractions. There's the disarming grin, the way you wear that old ski cap, even the way you heft a drill or wield an air guitar. It's when you try to out sexpot the girls that the trouble begins.)

Before any of you settle in for a nice rebut, consider this:

-- Playboy sells approximately 2.6 million print issues per month in the U.S. In August, Playgirl announced it would be discontinuing its print version as of January 2009, though the magazine will still live online.

-- The only reason we're still interested in Levi Johnston is because of his baby-mama-in-law, Sarah Palin, and surprisingly hard-working manager Tank Jones. And, in fact, Marge Simpson drummed up more excitement with her October Playboy cover.

-- This = funny. This (although NSFW) = boring.

Oh, and a word of warning for anyone thinking of surfing over to Playgirl.com: Once you declare you are indeed of age, well, it gets pretty NSFW faster than you can say Levi Johnston.

Lady Gaga performs at Sunday night's American Music Awards. (AP)

Headlines: Michael Jackson wins four AMAs... Meanwhile, J.Lo falls during performance (at 3:01 in video)... Jackson glove sells for $350K... One killed in Miley Cyrus tour bus accident... Heidi Klum officially takes Seal's last name... Jon Gosselin brings bouquet to mediation ("Jon & Kate" finale to air tonight)... Courteney Cox's "family matter" shuts down "Cougar Town" production... Bulls escape from set of Tom Cruise, Cameron Diaz movie.

Crime Watch: Britney Spears ex Adnan Ghalib jailed.

Pix: Leighton Meester in the worst outfit ever.

Video: Oprah's big announcement. | Photo Gallery: O Through the Years

Rumor Mill: Marv Albert denies scuffle with 50 Cent... Did Kate Beckinsale leave her dog alone in a closed car for hours?... Amy Winehouse set to remarry ex Blake Fielder-Civil?

Oprah may not have been a celebrity when she embarked on her broadcasting career some three decades back, but the woman is star power personified at this point. And when she exits the airwaves in September 2011 -- as she's expected to announce later today -- she'll be leaving a huge high-wattage void in our lives.

Who better than another celeb to replace Oprah and take over the mantle? O's replacement must come equipped with a sense of his or her own divinity and a roster of A-list friends to parade before the public.

Below, we offer five celebs who might just have the heft to fill Oprah's shoes:

1. Tom Cruise: Seriously, this guy's movie career is going nowhere and his 2005 couch-jumping episode is only one of TV's most memorable moments. And with pals like John Travolta, Will Smith and the Beckhams on speed dial there'd be no shortage of butt-kissing. And, just think TC, what a platform you'd have to spread your Scientology message. (Bonus: Gratuitously edited Tom Attacks Oprah video.)

2. Dina Lohan: Okay, so it isn't confirmed at this point that the woman can do much beyond partying with her kids, but she is the self-described "white Oprah." Heck, I'd watch even if every show consisted of a satellite interview of estranged husband Michael.

3. Tina Fey: Anyone who knows what the what is going on knows that Liz Lemon's "Dealbreakers" fictional book/talk show pilot would totally crush. Not poking fun at Gayle King? That's a dealbreaker!

4. Ashton Kutcher & Demi Moore: The king and queen of Twitter would come equipped with a combined audience of (as of this morning) 6,303,431 followers. Hey, network suits, that's nothing to sneeze at.

5. Kate Gosselin: We already know she's shopping a talk show with southern cooking heavyweight Paula Deen and now that "Kate Plus 8" is officially donezo, she'll be needing to move on to a new project. What, is she supposed to stay home all day!?!?!

Not feeling it? Add your suggestions below...

(All photos: AP)

Five weeks after giving birth, Heidi Klum walks the runway at Thursday's Victoria's Secret fashion show in New York. (Getty Images)

Headlines: Oprah set to announce an end to her 25-year syndicated talk show run... Demi Moore denies her hip was airbrushed out of magazine cover... Susan Boyle album sets Amazon's pre-order record... Levi Johnston invited to join "Dancing with the Stars"... Kate Moss blasted for saying "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"... Courtenay Semel says she never dated Lindsay Lohan... Tila Tequila blames naked meltdown on ex... Sting describes his ghostly encounter... U.K. couple claims Michael Jackson's face showed up in the ultrasound of their 20-week-old fetus... James Caan files for divorce... James Van Der Beek, too.

Pix: Suri Cruise gets her shop on.

Video: Jon Gosselin talks to Rabbi Shmuley Boteach about not feeling "loved" or "respected as a spiritual leader" in his home. [Via beliefnet]

Rumor Mill: OMG! James Franco caught texting in an awkward situation?! (Reminder: Franco makes his "General Hospital" debut today)... Neighbors sick of noisy Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhardt... Lindsay Lohan's Ungaro gig in jeopardy?... Miley Cyrus dresses up as Julia Roberts's "Pretty Woman" character to celebrate 17th birthday... Madonna wears bullet-proof vest to visit Rio shantytown... Mariah Carey flew her personal vet from L.A. to New York to help dog deliver puppies... J.Lo and Marc Anthony's dog attacks stewardess.

Say What?
"She is an amazing woman. She will always be the queen of daytime television and she also said she is leaving me all of her money. I was like, thanks Oprah, thank you." -- Ellen DeGeneres reacts to the Oprah news.

This week, Chris Kattan gets way too personal, Shaq attacks Ashton Kutcher's mama and Tracy Morgan, ummm, delivers. Click here or on the pic below to watch this week's Twits.

Share your reaction below and remember to Digg/Facebook/Tweet/Stumbl this link!...

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Actor Bios:

Cesar Guadamuz (Chris Kattan) is a local artiste of the stage and a cog in the world known as White Collar.

Ryan S. Taylor (Shaquille O'Neal) is a Washington-based director and occasional actor.

Jessica Aimone (Tracy Morgan) is a Washington-based actor who works regularly in TV, video and local theater.
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"Twits" is a weekly video series in which actors dramatize selected text from celebrity Twitter feeds.

A dapper (and clothed) Levi Johnston arrives at GQ's Men of the Year party on Wednesday evening in Los Angeles. (AFP/Getty Images)

Headlines: Will Ferrell, Ewan McGregor top Forbes's list of overpaid actors... Nicole Richie hospitalized with pneumonia... Michael Lohan promises he won't release any more phone tapes... Post-baby Heidi Klum says she needs to lose 20 more pounds... Jennifer Hudson to play Winnie Mandela in upcoming movie... Hugh Jackman reconciles with estranged mother... Robert Pattinson regrets asking fan to undress... Kirstie Alley slams Conan O'Brien via Twitter (NSFW language)... Arnold Schwarzenegger rules out another run for office... Nicolas Cage meets with jailed Somali pirates... Roger Moore wins award for anti-foie gras campaign.

Pix: Gerard Butler dangles fake baby out of hotel window.

Crime Watch: Perez Hilton drops assault charges against Black Eyed Peas manager.

Rumor Mill: Dad says Amy Winehouse was hospitalized not for a cold, but a leaky breast implant... Paris Hilton says driveway fight was not between her and boyfriend Doug Reinhardt... Penny Marshall battling liver cancer, claims tabloid... British officials turn down Mariah Carey's request for 20 white kittens to accompany her at department store event.

Say What?
"After we were done, I was like, 'Wow, America is so poor. Just the towns you come across -- all that's there are restaurants and gas stations. There are beautiful stretches of pasture, but for the most part, people live simply. The East and West Coast are so different from the rest of America." -- Kirsten Dunst describing a recent cross-country road trip in the latest issue of Allure.

Chat Day! Forget that meeting. At 2 p.m. ET, you'll want to be behind your keyboard for this week's Celebritology Live chat. Then, depending on your level of commitment, stick around for the "Lost" Hour at 3 p.m. ET.