The Rant: A Showdown to Whet Our Appetites
If Garfield won't fight other critters, then we implore him to put up his paws and display the one activity he has shown a talent for: Eat, you zaftig kitty! Eat!
There's just one catch, G-Cat: You must face off against Sarge. That's right, the butt-kicking, chow-downing leader from "Beetle Bailey." You and him, mano a paw-o, may the fleetest eater win. You've seen the Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest? Well, you and Sarge will have six days worth of daily strips to pack away the pasta.
We instigate all this silliness because cartoonists know that nothing speaks to the greatest mass (so to speak) of readers than to put humanity's common appetites on display. And since the family funnypages can't delve into sexual and substance appetites in the same manner, the best device the artist has is food. That's right: The way to a reader's heart is often through the tumtum. If only print strips could be scratch-n-sniff.
Oh, we will invite other prodiguous contenders. Jeremy Duncan, come on down (from "Zits"), and we'll see whether all that food really goes straight to your chunky shoes. Hagar the Horrible, we hear, can lard away lutefisk the size of a fjord. And the legend of eternal beanpole Dagwood is so large, he even has that leaning tower of processed luncheon meats named after him.
Still, we're quite confident this showdown to award the Golden Gullet will come down to you and Sarge, the comics' two titans of the trans-fatties. Sarge may outweigh you, outthink you and outrank you, but you've got something NONE of those other Esteemed Eaters have:
A teeming entourage of writers who know how to pace you before you gag.
| August 25, 2008; 11:00 AM ET
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