The Morning Line: Today's Featured Cartoons, in Six Minutes or Less

During this busy holiday season, when your schedule is packed tighter than a turducken, 'Riffs offers a reader service: Here are your Six-Minute Comics (less if you speed-read), to save you valuable time. Happy holidays, Cartoon Nation.

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MC HAMMER'S ENTIRE LIFE-STORY TOLD IN FOUR PANELS

For brevity and wit, VH1's "Behind the Music" has nothing on Darrin Bell. All Clyde is missing is the fash-crime parachute pants instead of the "Thug 4 Life" shirt. "Plasma TVs for all my dogs." Perfect. "Candorville" nails it.

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WHATEVER KILLS YOU DOESN'T MAKE YOU STRONGER

The best insect gag since, oh, we read today's "Pearls Before Swine" about two minutes earlier. This is "Pooch Cafe" at it best -- in this case, rivaling even the classic "Bloom County" in which the would-be omnipotent cockroach can survive a nuclear blast, but not a properly placed heel. As Skipper would say to the OTHER Gilligan: "Good job, lil' buddy!"

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TIGHT-LIPPED TRAIL COMMUNICATES
TELEPATHICALLY WITH ASSAILANT

Our Man in Khaki may have been able to charm the pants off -- or actually, ONTO -- "Split-Agenda" Sue in "Mark Trail," but the wascally Rabbit is another matter. Then again, tough to trust any grown man named "Rabbit" unless he can run a "4.3" time in the 40. No sir, I don't like the looks of this fella -- which is why I can only hope Andy will hunt him down and make Rabbit Stew outta him.

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DUSTY GAG EVEN PREDATES
SCIENCE OF CARBON-DATING

This joke is SO old...that I wrote it nearly a decade ago, when pert near every other American kid was gaining access to a PC. I like to think I crafted it better, but perhaps not.

Which of today's comics made your headlines? If you've got a comment, various endangered species (nuclear cockroaches...parachute-panted rappers...print political cartoonists) are standing by...