The Morning Line: Your Holiday Comics in a Hurry.

As the holiday season finds our schedules packed as tight as a turducken, we here at Comic Riffs continue to offer a reader service. For those on the go, we feature the funnies in easy-to-digest headlines.

So if you're in a hurry, set the same timer that you'll use when cooking those yams. Give us five minutes, we'll give you the highlights. To wit:

WOMAN'S URGE TO RAVAGE MARK TRAIL TRUMPS COMPULSION TO RAPE THE PLANET

At last, Sue the Split-Agenda Schemer comes clean with our man Mark; she confesses her anti-eco motives as the ceaseless metaphor that is the pounding, powerful surf crashes at their chaste feet. Sue offers a noble "later, alligator," her earnest eyes locked on Mark's chiseled features. If only we could figure out, in the first panel, where in the world Mark is looking. Perhaps a freakishly foregrounded bird-zilla is ready for its closeup.

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ANCIENT JOKE UNEARTHED; PALEONTOLOGISTS SAY DUSTY GAG NOW ELIGIBLE FOR AARP

Poor little Pinocchio might try to pass this off as a new punchline, but even he knows he'd be lying through his hardwood teeth. This gag crossed the transom of my cartooning brain a decade ago, but no amount of Geritol could revivify it as fresh. Worse yet, the gag is even more wooden than the messengers.

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FELINE FUGITIVE FROM CIVILITY ELUDES DEPT. OF HOMELAND INSECURITY

Kneecapped by the "Energizer Dummy," Rob has finally been brought down to Bucky's level. Literally. These three-way negotiations through a ferret flap are inspired. Buckyvania's a swell place to visit for laughs, though our exposed appendages would never want to live there.

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MOUTHLESS GIRL FOUND BOUND IN A BIZARRE WEB OF HAIRNETS

"Agnes's" spoofing of the "noble trade of athletic encouragement" both amuses and, honestly, disturbs. If her lunch ladies are anything like those of our childhood, then there will be retribution. Revenge will be a dish served not only cold, but hidden in bland, starchy product that dare call itself food. Although if the meatloaf indeed tastes like wood, perhaps Agnes can instead go rescue that "Mother Goose & Grimm" gag.

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WHEN SELF-ESTEEM SLEEPS WITH THE FISHES

Poor "Fish" knows his life is barely worth more than a plugged nickel. For what it's worth, Fish, we'd pay five times that if you promise to deliver such good gag-lines every day.

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Those are our headlines, 'Riffs readers. What are yours?