The Morning Line: Dixie's Last Dance (RIP, Comic Stripper)
The Psycho Scottsdale Sharpshooting Stripper has died. Long live the queen of cross-hairs and catwalks.
Yes, after lo these many weeks, Dixie -- our beloved, wacked-out Dixie -- is no more, gunned down over the weekend in one last, knife-lunging showdown that seemed so (literally) foreshadowed. And yet: Dixie, we hardly knew ye.
Dixie Julep (nee "Kathy Patterson of San Diego" before her life turned into a Sean Young movie) graced "Judge Parker" for months, flouncing about and wearing little besides the pronouncements of her innocence and of her maniacal devotion to her mutt. DJ almost proved lethal to mentally slow-to-shift Sam Driver. (IQ: Dumb as hair gel.) Fortunately for Sammy-D, the leather-loving Detective Heidi -- when not eyeing her favorite fella's frontside -- was watching his back.
So what is Sam to learn from this whole harrowing adventure? We suggest:
1. Never play golf with a man named Cheatham. (As every fan of Dickensian names knows, it can only end badly.)
2. Never trust a stripper who dresses like a cop--or a cop who dresses like a stripper.
3. You want leads? Follow the dog.
4. When men are being gunned down feet from you in broad daylight, drive AWAY from suburban Phoenix, not toward it. By this point, when seeking safety in the Southwest, even Las "Tupac" Vegas looks like a haven.
5. Whatever Judge Parker is paying you is not enough.
6. Whenever you begin meeting people conspicuously named for mixed alcoholic beverages, head for the nearest exit, on-ramp and flight gate -- before a type like Julep attempts the ultimate "Last Call."
Rest in peace, Dixie. And as your final act, we can only hope you bequeathed your pleather-heavy wardrobe to Detective Heidi.
Elsewhere 'round the page...
PRICKLY CITY: It's the Blagojevich scandal (and in term of Illinois politics, we use the term "scandal" loosely) that apparently inspires the engaging Character Cross-Pollination in today's "PC." Fave touch: The ever-mum "goth-mime" Lio (black cat's got his tongue?), true to character, is reading "How to Say 'No.' " (Side note: Tough to say who has a more striking hairstyle: Lio or Blagojevich.)
MARK TRAIL: In the latest installment of Mark Trail Meta-Conversations Among Freakishly Ginormous Critters, the cabin-interior convo suddenly is transplanted to the out of doors. The exquisite payoff: The cougar-sized rodent now seems to be saying to the predatory owl: "He was going to get the first flight out." O Mark Trail, are you and your animazillas toying with us intentionally now?
| January 5, 2009; 6:00 AM ET
Categories: The Morning Line
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