No Time for Waffling: Invade Belgium Now
Imagine my surprise when I woke up this morning to discover that we are beholden to the Belgians. The Chinese I could understand. They own everything and are, frankly, a little frightening. But Belgium? That little pipsqueak country that gave us waffles and...what else, exactly? But no, it turns out a Belgian bank is demanding that Metro pay it $43 million by tomorrow, a side effect of the collapse of insurance giant AIG. If Metro doesn't fork it over, writes Lena Sun, it could "result in a shortfall in Metro's capital budget, officials said, and would mean the agency would have less money for much-needed improvements, such as overhauling escalators, fixing tunnel leaks, upgrading train communication equipment and buying buses."
I for one will not sit idly by while the Belgians (the Belgians!) make such haughty demands. Which is why, in the tradition of such war-mongering press barons as William Randolph Hearst, I am urging President Bush to invade Belgium immediately. We don't really need a reason--preemptive war and all that--but the bleeding heart liberals in Congress may need some justification, so here goes:
Belgium is on the brink of civil war. Apparently there's some sort of friction between French and Flemish speakers. I don't know the details but if we couch it in Sunni vs. Shiite terms it ought to justify our intervention.
The Belgians are connected to atrocious crimes against humanity in Africa. True, these acts happened 130 years ago, but better late than never.
Brussels is the most boring city in the world. I've never been there, but that's what I've heard. Also, I met a guy in a pub once who lived in Brussels and when I asked him whether it was the most boring city in the world, he said, "No, it's really quite nice." He turned out to be the most boring person I've ever met.
Belgium is contributing to the global obesity epidemic. First there are the waffles, sugary starch bombs covered in whipped cream. Then there's the chocolate, guaranteed to add inches (okay, centimeters, you metric-system-following Belgies) to your waist. But worst of all is the French fry, the irresistible food item that has spread like a poison around the world. Don't be fooled. We may call it the French fry but it's Belgian, all right. And do you know what they eat their "frites" with over there? Mayonnaise. Talk about weapons of body mass index destruction. You might as well inject goose fat right into your heart.
I'm not saying this will be easy. We're already fighting two wars. But doesn't war in Europe always stimulate financial growth. Didn't World War II get us out of the Depression?
We must not waver. Our resolve must be clear. Once again our destiny is in Flanders Field.
What do you think?
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