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No Time for Waffling: Invade Belgium Now

Imagine my surprise when I woke up this morning to discover that we are beholden to the Belgians. The Chinese I could understand. They own everything and are, frankly, a little frightening. But Belgium? That little pipsqueak country that gave us waffles and...what else, exactly? But no, it turns out a Belgian bank is demanding that Metro pay it $43 million by tomorrow, a side effect of the collapse of insurance giant AIG. If Metro doesn't fork it over, writes Lena Sun, it could "result in a shortfall in Metro's capital budget, officials said, and would mean the agency would have less money for much-needed improvements, such as overhauling escalators, fixing tunnel leaks, upgrading train communication equipment and buying buses."

I for one will not sit idly by while the Belgians (the Belgians!) make such haughty demands. Which is why, in the tradition of such war-mongering press barons as William Randolph Hearst, I am urging President Bush to invade Belgium immediately. We don't really need a reason--preemptive war and all that--but the bleeding heart liberals in Congress may need some justification, so here goes:

Belgium is on the brink of civil war. Apparently there's some sort of friction between French and Flemish speakers. I don't know the details but if we couch it in Sunni vs. Shiite terms it ought to justify our intervention.

The Belgians are connected to atrocious crimes against humanity in Africa. True, these acts happened 130 years ago, but better late than never.

Brussels is the most boring city in the world. I've never been there, but that's what I've heard. Also, I met a guy in a pub once who lived in Brussels and when I asked him whether it was the most boring city in the world, he said, "No, it's really quite nice." He turned out to be the most boring person I've ever met.

Belgium is contributing to the global obesity epidemic. First there are the waffles, sugary starch bombs covered in whipped cream. Then there's the chocolate, guaranteed to add inches (okay, centimeters, you metric-system-following Belgies) to your waist. But worst of all is the French fry, the irresistible food item that has spread like a poison around the world. Don't be fooled. We may call it the French fry but it's Belgian, all right. And do you know what they eat their "frites" with over there? Mayonnaise. Talk about weapons of body mass index destruction. You might as well inject goose fat right into your heart.

I'm not saying this will be easy. We're already fighting two wars. But doesn't war in Europe always stimulate financial growth. Didn't World War II get us out of the Depression?

We must not waver. Our resolve must be clear. Once again our destiny is in Flanders Field.

What do you think?

By John Kelly  |  October 30, 2008; 9:30 AM ET
 | Tags: Belgium, Metro, polls  
Save & Share:  Send E-mail   Facebook   Twitter   Digg   Yahoo Buzz   StumbleUpon   Technorati   Google Buzz   Previous: Knowledge on the March, Slowly
Next: The Belgian Brew-haha: Part 2


But of all the Gauls, the Belgians are the most courageous! (or so said some Roman general who received a heckuva butt-kicking...)

If we invade, though, it would put the US in position of controlling much of the world's best beer. Let's go! :-)

Posted by: CJH2 | October 30, 2008 10:43 AM | Report abuse

CJH2, what an excellent point! With the price of crude oil plummeting, I think invading a country for their strategic beer reserves is a much better idea. Can you imagine if we were able to tap into that supply and flow great tasting Belgian beer with a new low price, what a great world!

Posted by: TerpPhysicist | October 30, 2008 10:58 AM | Report abuse

Most importantly, it will allow us to repatriate Anheuser-Busch. Reclaiming our pissy American beer is enough reason to go to war.

Posted by: josiahSchmoe | October 30, 2008 11:40 AM | Report abuse

I had totally forgotten about the beer angle. If we can invade Grenada to protect some U.S. medical students, can't we invade Belgium to protect some Clydesdales? The conflict could even have a nifty nickname: The Beer War.

Posted by: JohnFKelly | October 30, 2008 1:28 PM | Report abuse

I concur, the beer war must happen to uphold our standard of life over here. Beer is getting waaaaaaaay to expensive these days.

Posted by: eroks | October 30, 2008 3:15 PM | Report abuse

The whole reason why WMATA owes this money is becaue Metro was participating in a bogus tax shelter. WMATA was basically selling the tax depreciation of its trains to this Belgian bank because WMATA doesn't pay taxes and therefore couldn't benefit from a tax write off. Why is Metro participating in a tax scheme that the IRS has ruled in improper?

Posted by: buffysummers | October 30, 2008 3:27 PM | Report abuse

Hey killjoy...errr Buffy... its called irony... buy a clue.

Posted by: wildwest | October 30, 2008 3:40 PM | Report abuse

I just turned 22, I'd sign up to fight in this war! I saw we do it. -turns to write his Congressman-

Posted by: WxDude | October 30, 2008 3:53 PM | Report abuse

Yo, Wild West, methinks some Post readers are missing the sarcasm Gene....So let's let Buffy have her say and everyone else can head to Buffalo Billiards in DuPont Circle (Which is near a METRO stop) for beers and start planning the invasion. Can we get to Belgium via Metro? I may need to add to my SmartCard...

Posted by: fide | October 30, 2008 3:58 PM | Report abuse

Just to comment on bunny's thought....for a while these schemes were encouraged before the IRS changed its mind. These are all old deals, 5+ years on back, and the bank is essentially reneging on its terms because AIG colapsed.

On to more pertinent matters, yes, invade! Brew baby, brew!

Posted by: EricS2 | October 30, 2008 4:01 PM | Report abuse

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