Network News

X My Profile
View More Activity

All Hail Our Right-Handed Savior, Stephen Strasburg

Did the air smell a little sweeter this morning? Did your Wheaties taste a little finer? Of course they did. On Monday night the Washington Nationals signed Stephen Strasburg, the best pitcher in the history of baseball.

No longer will the Nats be baseball's basement-dwelling laughingstocks. With this kid's arm the team is guaranteed a World Series title by 2010, 2011 at the latest.

How good is Strasburg? So good that today in hospital delivery rooms all around the Washington area grateful parents are naming their newborns "Stephen": Stephen Strasburg O'Reilly, Stephen Strasburg Berkowitz, Stephen Strasburg Yang. And the girls? "Stephanie."

He's so good that construction, stalled for so long by the poor economy, has spontaneously broken out around Nationals Park. Lobbyists, lawyers, bums and drug addicts alike are grabbing shovels and plumb bobs, saws and hammers, and are feverishly building condos, restaurants and bars.

He's so good that Tian Tian, the National Zoo's giant panda, got a funny look in his eyes, sauntered over to Mei Xiang and made hot sweet panda love to her. The zoo's veterinarians confirmed that, yes, Mei Xiang is pregnant. With twins. They will be born on Opening Day 2010 and named Hue Bong Mao (Chinese for "Slider That Breaks Like a Crack-Addled Hummingbird") and Zhen Yung Yao ("Fastball That Sears With the Heat of a Thousand Suns").

Strasburg is so good that Metro's track circuits miraculously fixed themselves, tourists started standing to the right on the escalators and healthy young men gave up their seats to the aged, infirm and pregnant.

He's so good that the Beltway's new HOT lanes appeared overnight, like Atlantis rising from the sea. But they weren't needed, because everyone started carpooling and telecommuting and I-495 is so empty that people now picnic on it and play badminton.

Strasburg is so good that the Israelis and the Palestinians, the Russians and the Chechens, the Shiites and the Sunnis, the Crips and the Bloods, have all pooled their money to buy one big skybox at Nationals Park, where they will solve their differences once and for all.

He's so good that the Redskins...the Redskins.... Nah, they still suck.

How good is Strasburg? Leave your predictions in the Comments section below.

By John Kelly  |  August 19, 2009; 11:30 AM ET
Save & Share:  Send E-mail   Facebook   Twitter   Digg   Yahoo Buzz   StumbleUpon   Technorati   Google Buzz   Previous: George Washington: Father of Radical Civility?
Next: DWT to DOA: How to Stop Driving While Texting


Wow. What wit.

Posted by: gbooksdc | August 19, 2009 1:40 PM | Report abuse

You probably missed it, but Strasburg is so good that a large contingent of Northern Snakeheads climbed from the Potomac River under their own, evil power and formed the words "Go, Stephen!" across both lanes of the Key Bridge, seriously snarling mid-day traffic. But nobody minded.

Posted by: eyestreet | August 19, 2009 2:07 PM | Report abuse

Stephen Strasburg is so good, 80% of the Washington Metropolitan Area went out to their library and learned the infield fly rule.

100%? No one is that good.

Posted by: Section506 | August 19, 2009 2:10 PM | Report abuse

Stephen Strasburg is so good that he can strike out Matt Wieters and steal Wieter's girlfriend before Matt can get into the dugout. And considering the all-true facts at this website:

That's pretty impressive!

Posted by: cheeseburger53 | August 19, 2009 2:20 PM | Report abuse

Stephen Strasburg is so good that President Obama has switched loyalties to the Nats.

Posted by: Traveler8 | August 19, 2009 2:58 PM | Report abuse

He's so good that not even Nats management can screw up his career.

Posted by: bobcrambo | August 19, 2009 3:42 PM | Report abuse

Strasburg is so good, he will resurrect thousands of former subscribers to the Washington Post, and also the trees it was printed on.

Posted by: TheNationalsEnquirer | August 19, 2009 10:37 PM | Report abuse

Strasburg is so good Radical Civility has been renamed Radical Strasburg.

Posted by: jimward21 | August 20, 2009 11:43 AM | Report abuse

He's so good, it's now Stephen Strasburg Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport.

Posted by: jimward21 | August 20, 2009 11:46 AM | Report abuse

He's so good that the media will focus all their attention to him and we'll never hear from Marion Barry again.

Posted by: mintchocolatechip | August 20, 2009 2:27 PM | Report abuse

The day he signed, MLB announced the "Stephen Strasburg" rule...When Stephen Strasburg pitches, batters will receive 4 strikes.

Posted by: gmufan2000 | August 23, 2009 9:09 PM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

RSS Feed
Subscribe to The Post

© 2010 The Washington Post Company