All Hail Our Right-Handed Savior, Stephen Strasburg
Did the air smell a little sweeter this morning? Did your Wheaties taste a little finer? Of course they did. On Monday night the Washington Nationals signed Stephen Strasburg, the best pitcher in the history of baseball.
No longer will the Nats be baseball's basement-dwelling laughingstocks. With this kid's arm the team is guaranteed a World Series title by 2010, 2011 at the latest.
How good is Strasburg? So good that today in hospital delivery rooms all around the Washington area grateful parents are naming their newborns "Stephen": Stephen Strasburg O'Reilly, Stephen Strasburg Berkowitz, Stephen Strasburg Yang. And the girls? "Stephanie."
He's so good that construction, stalled for so long by the poor economy, has spontaneously broken out around Nationals Park. Lobbyists, lawyers, bums and drug addicts alike are grabbing shovels and plumb bobs, saws and hammers, and are feverishly building condos, restaurants and bars.
He's so good that Tian Tian, the National Zoo's giant panda, got a funny look in his eyes, sauntered over to Mei Xiang and made hot sweet panda love to her. The zoo's veterinarians confirmed that, yes, Mei Xiang is pregnant. With twins. They will be born on Opening Day 2010 and named Hue Bong Mao (Chinese for "Slider That Breaks Like a Crack-Addled Hummingbird") and Zhen Yung Yao ("Fastball That Sears With the Heat of a Thousand Suns").
Strasburg is so good that Metro's track circuits miraculously fixed themselves, tourists started standing to the right on the escalators and healthy young men gave up their seats to the aged, infirm and pregnant.
He's so good that the Beltway's new HOT lanes appeared overnight, like Atlantis rising from the sea. But they weren't needed, because everyone started carpooling and telecommuting and I-495 is so empty that people now picnic on it and play badminton.
Strasburg is so good that the Israelis and the Palestinians, the Russians and the Chechens, the Shiites and the Sunnis, the Crips and the Bloods, have all pooled their money to buy one big skybox at Nationals Park, where they will solve their differences once and for all.
He's so good that the Redskins...the Redskins.... Nah, they still suck.
How good is Strasburg? Leave your predictions in the Comments section below.
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