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Posted at 9:15 AM ET, 10/21/2009

Cowboys Fishing for Disgruntled Redskins Fans

By John Kelly

Anybody notice this story in the paper today:

In a remarkable bid to attract disillusioned Redskins fans, the Dallas Cowboys announced Tuesday that they are establishing a special relationship with Washington supporters that will allow fans of the Landover team to join the Texas franchise while preserving their liturgy and spiritual heritage, including fat men who wear dresses and pretend to be hogs.


The worldwide Redskins fan base has been racked by 10 years of conflict over the interpretation of holy football scripture that has led to clashes over the West Coast offense, pricey free agents and stadium parking fees.

The Cowboys’ plan “reflects a bold determination by Dallas to seize this moment and do what it can to reach out to those who share its stance on such ecclesiastical matters as strong offensive lines, play-calling in the red zone and, duh, actually winning football games,” said Harvey Cleats, dean of the Virginia Gridiron Seminary. “It is very, very bold.”

The new system will give the Cowboys a way to capitalize on tensions within the Redskins community.

The Redskins broke from reality in 1999 when King Danny the First bought the team. With his loyal retainer, Prince Vinny of Cerrato, seated at his right hand, King Danny has brought such hardships on Redskins worshipers that some worry for their very souls. FedEx Cathedral has been the site of much garment-rending this season, made worse when fans’ sackcloth and ashes have been confiscated by King Danny’s henchmen.

However, observers are amazed at the boldness of the Cowboys’ move.

“We realize this may come as a surprise,” said Dallas spokesman Jimbob Jockstrap. “We know that many Washington fans have grown up wondering if there’s anything worse than being a fan of the Dallas Cowboys. And now they have an answer: being a fan of the Washington Redskins.”

For years, the Washington Redskins have struggled to reconcile their warring factions: Portis versus Sellers, Snyder versus Turner, Snyder versus Schottenheimer, Snyder versus Spurrier, Snyder versus reality.

Under the new system, Redskins fans would transfer their loyalty to Dallas but be allowed to keep some traditions from their liturgy. For example, they would be allowed to sit together at Dallas games, recite their holy verses (including “Hail to the Redskins, full of grace, Jim Zorn is with thee”) and possess such holy relics as burgundy-and-gold “No. 1” foam fingers.

“We do not make this decision lightly,” said Redskins fan Buster Tailgate, leader of a splinter sect that worships Saint Sonny Jurgensen. “But, c’mon, how much more can we be expected to take?”

Boy, sometimes truth really is stranger than fiction.

By John Kelly  | October 21, 2009; 9:15 AM ET
 
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Comments

Oh trust me, you have no idea how much stranger than fiction truth can be in this regard. Having lived it from the other side of the looking glass a decade ago when "a new sheriff" came to our parish and later told the Bishop that he had "gotten rid of all the trouble makers," I can tell you that disaffected that Rome Cardinals pickup may pale next to the former Cardinal fans that Lambeth Lords and the other franchises pick up.

Posted by: mfromalex | October 21, 2009 9:25 AM | Report abuse

Ha, ha! In this case, truth is funnier than fiction. Guess what other dysfunctional owner hired their offensive coordinator before their head coach!?

Just because one stops supporting the Skins doesn't mean one stops hating the Cowpokemons.

Posted by: charley42 | October 21, 2009 9:48 AM | Report abuse

I love this! As a born and bred Cowboys' fan, I recently considered buying Washington gear to show my appreciation for their (lack of) efforts. However since I won't line the pockets of my 'Boys (egomaniacal) owner, I certainly won't line Snyder's either. But I can help disaffected Burgundy and Gold fans see the light. Even if it's blinking red!

I LOVE your, er Jimbob Jockstrap's idea! Go Cowboys!

Posted by: chaulab | October 21, 2009 1:16 PM | Report abuse

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