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I own the cleanest home in America!

I received an advertising flier in the mail the other day. I was a little brochure that said "Cleanest Home in America! Kelly Family." Beneath that was a street sign with the name of my very street on it.

Wow. It's as if the Cleaning Authority ("a leader in the green house cleaning industry") knows everything about me. Either that or it bought my name from a mailing list then used some fancy print program that personalized each piece of junk mail it sends out. What's unsettling is the photograph near the address label:


That's us. That's exactly what my family looks like. Where could the Cleaning Authority have possibly gotten that photograph? Do they have a mole at MotoPhoto? Did one of their ninja cleaning women lift it from a photo album while we were all asleep? I'll have to scan through my archived security tapes, unless they messed with those, too.

Meanwhile, let me introduce the Kelly Family, the family that lives in the Cleanest Home in America:


From left to right, starting with:
Me: Me you know. I'm the patriarch of the Kelly clan. I'd just gotten my head shaved, which is why my hair is so short. The sweater was a gift. For some reason, I'm wearing my wife's jeans.

Annette: Our oldest daughter has a drinking problem. She could barely stand for this photo (taken, if memory serves, for our family's annual Arbor Day card). My wife and I had to prop her up. I don't like it when Annette displays a swath of belly flab, but she is 18 so what can I do? Needless to say, we lock up the cleaning supplies whenever she's back home from college.

Myrtle, aka My Lovely Wife: She's a lot different from the girl I met during a SAMADD rally in college. (That's Students Against Mothers Against Drunk Driving.) Her hair was black then. She dyes it now. And she's had her teeth whitened. The glasses are an affectation. She has hawklike vision. That black vest she's wearing is made of carbon fiber and Kevlar. It's actually a corset. Myrtle weighs 400 pounds. The vest keeps it all tidy, though she can wear it for only 10 minutes at a time before her organs start to fail.

cleanjan.jpgJan. Jan is my son, unless she's my daughter. We're not sure about Jan. For a while she/he was in a Hanson tribute band. That explains the haircut. Say what you will about Jan--and most people have--he or she is enthusiastic. About everything. I've never seen the little guy/gal as excited as the day we took that photo. Wait till I tell her/him that we have the Cleanest Home in America!

Wait, you know what? I think I do remember when this photo was taken. It wasn't for our Arbor Day card. It was for the annual Kelly family touch croquet game and pig roast. I remember a pilotless cartoon drone kept buzzing our neighborhood:

It wasn't pulling a sign, though. I guess they must have Photoshopped that in later.

Don't feel too badly if your house wasn't named the Cleanest Home in America. I'm sure you tried your best.

By John Kelly  |  January 11, 2010; 9:30 AM ET
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So are they dropping ninja cleaning women from that single engine prop plane flying over the incredibly clean Kelly manse?

Posted by: mfromalex | January 11, 2010 9:36 AM | Report abuse

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