A Letter To My Daughters: The unauthorized preview edition of the Obama children's book
Dear Malia and Sasha,
Hello. It's Barack Obama, your father, and your president. Remember that other book I wrote, Dreams from My Father? This book is Dreams From Your Father. Like Martin Luther King, I have lots of dreams, so many that your mother sometimes has to wake me up by kicking me and shouting things about bending the curve.
I hope you cleaned up after Bo before reading this! Earlier this month, I said that people were talking about me like a dog. As you know, that means that they were saying mainly positive things but had some questions about whether I was responsible for destroying some of their valuables.
The book is supposed to be about thirteen inspirational Americans. So far, the public only knows that it includes Georgia O'Keeffe, Jackie Robinson, and George Washington. That's because I am all ten of the other inspirational Americans. What can I say? Sometimes I even inspire myself.
I'm kidding. You know me! I like to make jokes! We should have more White House Correspondents Dinners. I always dominate those. With my jests. Here's one I just thought of: "If this stimulus package doesn't work out, instead of a beer summit, we'll have to have a bear summit!" Malia, I can sense that you're not laughing. But consider that this joke works on multiple levels. Bear markets are the kinds of markets that my predecessor caused. Also, they are an animal that I can throw my economic team to, if things get really tough. So I can assure you that this is a funny joke.
This page is just a picture of a bear, which I think drives that point home.
I'm going to explain the stimulus package now. Malia and Sasha, I will explain the stimulus package to you when you're older; please continue to page 40.
You still with me, readers? All right. Here's what I want you to ask yourself about the stimulus package. "Do I have a job?" If the answer is yes, you're welcome. That was definitely the stimulus package! If the answer is no, I'm sorry about that. Not because it's my fault, because it's not. Just because that's the kind of guy I happen to be.
Hi again, girls! Do you think I should do an audio-book version of this? I think it would be kind of stately. Maybe I'll win another Grammy! Maybe while I'm at it I should also make an audio-book version of me reading the Harry Potter books to you at bedtime. Maybe I'll win two other Grammies! Maybe that will help the economy.
Here is some wisdom. America is built on the ability to pursue your dreams and forge your own path. That is something I know from experience, as an American. Take that, Newt Gingrich.
But seriously, America is great. Look at me. I pursued all kinds of dreams. It was always my dream to be elected president in a very difficult economic time, plummet in popularity, and lose control of Congress during the midterm elections. My dream is so close to coming true. I like a challenge. That's why I do the Saturday crossword and made health-care reform a priority.
I hope that inspired you! Remember, no matter who you are, you can live out your dreams! Just look at me. I let nothing stand in my way to reach my goal -- not my youth, not my exceptional personal attractiveness, not the fact that I'm currently serving as president of the United States. In spite of all that, I'm living the dream: I'm a children's book author!
Your Father, the Author of this Book,
President Barack Obama
P.S.: Please buy this book, America. So far, this is my best idea for stimulating the economy. Also, invest in Alvin Greene action figures.
| September 14, 2010; 1:02 PM ET
Categories: Barack Obama, Petri | Tags: parody
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