Glenn Beck mocks Michelle Obama's carrot sticks
"[Beck] ridiculed first lady Michelle Obama's campaign to get people to eat healthier snacks like apples or carrots. "Get away from my french fries, Mrs. Obama," Beck warned. "First politician that comes up to me with a carrot stick, I've got a place for it. And it's not in my tummy."
At first I thought maybe Glenn Beck has a special pouch that he stores his carrot sticks in, for later! But then I realized what he meant.
And I have to say, I agree with him. If a politician came up to me with a carrot stick, I'd refuse, because you don't know where that politician has been. Plus, I had a friend once who ate so many carrot sticks she turned prematurely orange. I assume that's also what happened to John Boehner.
General wariness of carrot sticks aside, I'm with Glenn on this. And I think there's a metaphor here. So far, President Obama has run an entirely health-food administration. Forget meat and potatoes. This is kale and acai. And I've just about had it. I know the president is supposed to do what's best for the country. But does he have to nag me about it?
"Jog!" The Obamas tell us. "Volunteer! Consume less! Stop smoking! Get health care! Become interested in renewable energy! Change all your lightbulbs into those other, different light bulbs, that may or may not contain mercury!"
Who does he think he is, my mother?
"Why are you still awake at this hour? Don't you realize you're wasting energy?" he asks. "And have you written those thank-you letters yet?"
I just want to sit here, consuming fossil fuels, nicotine, and cholesterol, sometimes all at once, while giving soothing oil-baths to my pet pelicans. Occasionally, I want to go out and show one of those spotted owls who's boss, preferably in some way that involves a helicopter. My only hobbies are burdening the health-care system and refudiating things, but I hardly get to do them any more because Obama won't leave me alone! "Here's an article I clipped about financial regulation," he tells me, when I'm trying to read the comics. "I think you'd find it illuminating.
Some mornings I find him standing in my bathroom, suggesting that I floss.
This is getting out of hand. And now Michelle wants my French fries.
Don't the Obamas realize? This is America! America runs on fast food! Sure, I know it's unbalanced, and Michelle Obama says it's bad for me, and the more I consume, the worse it will be for my arteries. But -- well, it's what I want.
Come to think of it, that's also why I watch Glenn Beck. I know it's wrong. I know I should be consuming something more balanced. I know I'm disappointing Michelle -- and she's so sensible and shows up on the covers of all those magazines in flattering, solid-color sheath dresses. But I can't help myself.
No wonder Glenn Beck is opposed to carrot sticks. He knows where he falls on the carrot stick/French fry divide. Barack Obama is carrot sticks and acai berries, pushups and Activia. Glenn Beck is french fries, a large burger, and supersize the Coke. "Who knows what those acai berries really do for you?" he asks. "If they were so great, then why are the rainforests they came from being destroyed so rapidly? And carrot sticks? You can shove them!"
Don't get me wrong. I respect carrot sticks. I know what they're trying to do. But sometimes, especially when times are this tough, all America and I want is a dang French fry.
| September 20, 2010; 8:30 AM ET
Categories: Barack Obama, Petri | Tags: Glenn Beck, carrot sticks
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