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Top 10 reasons Christine O'Donnell might be a real witch

Christine O'Donnell says "I dabbled into witchcraft." Now she's trying to jokingly play it off -- "How many of you did not hang out with questionable folks in high school?" she asks. A: Most of us, actually. I hung out with a pro-chastity vampire for a while, but then I got irritated with him for glittering all the time and having a pre-women's-lib stance on everything, so I took up with this werewolf, and -- I'm sorry, that's not my youth, that's the plot of Twilight.

But in spite of O'Donnell's attempts to joke away her admission that she dabbled in the Dark Arts, I think we should take her seriously. And you know what that means:

She's a witch!

I know this because O'Donnell once turned me into a newt. And if you don't believe me, look at my photo.

She says she never joined a coven. "I never joined a coven" is the witchcraft equivalent of "I didn't inhale."

"We all conjured up bats out of the fog, and then we made a potion to give ourselves eternal youth, and sacrificed this one guy, but, man, I never joined a coven!"

I like that witchcraft has replaced controlled substances as the thing you shouldn't dabble in in case you want to have a political career. That makes a lot more sense. Then again, witchcraft is all about doing the impossible -- or convincing people you can -- so it's kind of like politics.
I think there should be a new don't ask, don't tell that applies to whether or not you're a witch. We won't ask, but if you ever tell us, we're entitled to eject you immediately.

Anyway, here are the top 10 reasons Christine O'Donnell might be a real witch.

  1. If you put her in water, she floats! So does everyone, but that's the same criteria they used at the Salem witch trials, and they seemed to know what they were talking about.
  2. She gets better-looking as time passes. Everyone else who was prominent in the '90s came straggling out, broken and crinkled, muttering something about Vanilla Ice. Not O'Donnell. She's like the Dorian Gray of political candidates. Witch.
  3. Christine is a member of the Tea Party. One thing I know about tea is that, if you expose it to water, it dissolves. This is what the witch did in The Wizard of Oz. Witch.
  4. Christine O'Donnell says gays suffer from identity disorder. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia believes that gays are not protected against discrimination under the 14th amendment, and he spends all his time wandering around in a black robe and cackling, so maybe that's witch code. Maybe they're in the same not-coven.
  5. Witches use lots of made-up words, such as "hocus pocus" and "wingardium leviosa." Christine O'Donnell coins her own words and phrases, too, such as "unfactual" and "republican cannibalism." Witch.
  6. Christine O'Donnell once went on a date to a "satanic altar." Hasn't everyone? You know your date's going badly when he draws a pentagram on the table with sushi and insists "The Sacrifice Occurs Now." That's usually when I go to the bathroom and stay there. If my date comes and knocks on the door, I shout, "I've fallen in! Don't come after me! I'm in a better place!" That's not a witch thing. That's a dating thing. Unless "satanic altar" is a metaphor for something. In that case, witch.
  7. In "Wicked," a musical about witches, the witch Elphaba sings a song about defying gravity, a natural impulse that it is impossible to resist without magic. Christine O'Donnell opposes masturbation.
  8. She said she had a college degree, and then it disappeared, and then it reappeared! Magic! Witch!
  9. Joe Scarborough once asked her if she was going to stop the whole country from having sex. She responded: "Yes." Clearly, anyone with that much confidence in her powers must possess abilities beyond the ken of traditional humans. Witch.
  10. She says she's a common-sense conservative who is part of the real America. She promises to make government smaller, not raise taxes and bring values back to Washington. That would require magic. If she says she can deliver on that promise, then -- witch!

By Alexandra Petri  | September 20, 2010; 12:45 PM ET
Categories:  Petri, Senate  | Tags:  Christine O'Donnell, witch  
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