Network News

X My Profile
View More Activity

But Gawker, I, too, had a one-night stand with Christine O'Donnell

I, too, had a one-night stand with Christine O'Donnell.

It's awkward that it had to come out this way. I'm amazed that Gawker didn't contact me and offer me the "modest amount" it says it paid the Anonymous Philadelphian (AP -- my initials!) for his story.

I won't even ask to be anonymous! Here is a photo of me and Christine. You can tell that we formed a real connection and that this is a legitimate news story.

opetri.GIF

Let me tell you how it went.

It was Halloween 2010, and Christine O'Donnell was dressed up as the results of a straw poll, but, like, a sexy straw poll. She knocked on my door and asked to come in. Oddly, I was dressed as a witch. "Are you a witch?" she asked. "I'm not a witch. I'm you," I told her. We laughed. We were hitting it off right away.

"Let's go out somewhere and discuss the Constitution," she suggested. It's not every day that someone you've never met in your life comes to your door and asks to discuss the Constitution! I said yes. We began talking about all the things it contains, and how Church and State had been separated for a while but how she was trying to bring them back together for the sake of the children.

This is the part of the narrative where I describe her as a "cougar" so we can get more page views.

Then we talked about our lives, and about how powerful sisterhood was.

"Want to come back to my place and discuss how opposed we are to masturbation, and that we are not witches?" I asked.

We laughed all the way to the car. This wasn't very far. My family insists that I am a terrible driver and has hidden my license somewhere in the virgin hills of Maine (this article now includes the phrase "virgin hills." Hi, Google!) so we just sort of stood next to the car for a while and admired it. Then we walked back to my place, but slowly, so that we could relate to each other better.

I poured us two beers. She poured hers out. "For my homeboy, Elijah," she noted. We bowed our heads and thought about Elijah. "And also Lindsay Lohan, who gets a lot of search traffic," I added.

Then things moved into the bedroom! Not us, though, just things. There's a lot of Paranormal Activity (2) in my house.

"I have to go home and Google myself," Christine O'Donnell said. "But not in that way."

We laughed again, a little too much.

"This has been fun," Christine said. She threw open a window, threw up the shades, and flew away into the night, leaving behind only memory and something that smelled like regret, though that might just have indicated that I needed to do my laundry more often.

Did I say we had a one-night stand? I mean, we did, in the sense that "shaking hands and agreeing that we weren't gay, but there wasn't anything wrong with that (me) or gays have an identity disorder (her)" is a one-night stand. Also, I mailed her a nightstand later. You can tell this is factual because Christine O'Donnell owns a nightstand.

Also, Lady Gaga Sarah Palin Barack Obama personal enlargement! The timing of this article is entirely coincidental.

By Alexandra Petri  | October 28, 2010; 5:52 PM ET
Categories:  Only on the Internet, Petri, Tea Party, That's awkward  | Tags:  Christine O'Donnell, parody  
Save & Share:  Send E-mail   Facebook   Twitter   Digg   Yahoo Buzz   Del.icio.us   StumbleUpon   Technorati   Google Buzz   Previous: Before you check the College Board for your SAT scores
Next: Missing Links: Clinton-Gingrich Adultery Assoc; Christine O'Donnell's Halloween costume

Comments

Do you know why there are no comments for this "humorous" article?

Posted by: LarryInVegas | October 28, 2010 8:30 PM | Report abuse

Do you know why there are no replies for your "comment?"

Posted by: divtune | October 28, 2010 8:52 PM | Report abuse

Haha amazing. Too bad no one will "get" it

Posted by: trsqw | October 28, 2010 9:18 PM | Report abuse

I couldn't help but notice that your Halloween date with O'Donnell happened 3 days from now, which is proof that you both really are witches, despite the denials.

So welcome back from the future. That Yak costume you will be wearing in the picture is terrific!

Since I have a date for a one night stand with O'Donnell tomorrow, did she tell you if I scored or not? And will you write down the latest lottery number on Saturday and bring it back for me?

According to that anonymous article by Mr. Cougarbait (Deep Throat was taken), his one nighter involved a 12 pack of Coke cans, plus he was turned off by her lack of "waxing experience" under her underwear.

Ms. O'Donnell, for your next one night stand, may I suggest Clarence Thomas?

And I hear that Lada Gaga (Deep Throat) is playing at the rally ... backed up by ComPost Enlargement.

Posted by: divtune | October 28, 2010 9:39 PM | Report abuse

This newspaper really is little more than self parody these days.

God I'll be glad when the nation is finally rid of you leftist freaks forever.

Can't wait to call Christine O'Donnell Senator.

Suck it progressives!

Posted by: gary4205 | October 29, 2010 12:25 AM | Report abuse

I'm with you, Gary .. all 4,205 of you.

We're gonna turn all you libtards into CommyPost and fertilize Senator O'Donnell's cherry tomatoes with you. I hear they're good for your prostate too! It's in the Second Amendment.

Posted by: divtune | October 29, 2010 12:59 AM | Report abuse

Gary - Why don't you try trashing this column by fighting satire with satire? For example, here is your comment in the style of Spiro T Agnew:

This newspaper really is fit only to line the bottoms of bird cages these days.

God I'll be glad when the nation is finally rid of you effete corps of impudent snobs who characterize yourselves as liberals forever.

Can't wait until all you nattering nabobs of negativism have to call Christine O'Donnell SENATOR One Night Stand.

Suck it pusillanimous pussyfooting progressives!

Posted by: divtune | October 29, 2010 1:42 AM | Report abuse

In one year I personally tried out every single ol'gal at the WarshPost.

They were all either too big, too scrawny, had bad breath, didn't bathe regularly, demanded I take money for the job, and so on and so forth...... none of it added up to "one night's worth" anyway, so patooey WarshPostWimmins.

Never again!

Give me Republican women every time.

Posted by: muawiyah | October 29, 2010 10:25 AM | Report abuse

Great comment! I can't wait to call you Senator Muawiyah.

Posted by: divtune | October 29, 2010 11:17 AM | Report abuse

The Washington Post has once again proven that it is as bad at satire as it is at politics.

Posted by: brendaarchimboldi | October 29, 2010 11:39 AM | Report abuse

Oh yeah?

Well brendaarchimboldi has once again proven that she is as bad at commenting as I am!

Posted by: divtune | October 29, 2010 4:26 PM | Report abuse

Post a Comment

We encourage users to analyze, comment on and even challenge washingtonpost.com's articles, blogs, reviews and multimedia features.

User reviews and comments that include profanity or personal attacks or other inappropriate comments or material will be removed from the site. Additionally, entries that are unsigned or contain "signatures" by someone other than the actual author will be removed. Finally, we will take steps to block users who violate any of our posting standards, terms of use or privacy policies or any other policies governing this site. Please review the full rules governing commentaries and discussions.




characters remaining

 
 
RSS Feed
Subscribe to The Post

© 2010 The Washington Post Company