But Gawker, I, too, had a one-night stand with Christine O'Donnell
It's awkward that it had to come out this way. I'm amazed that Gawker didn't contact me and offer me the "modest amount" it says it paid the Anonymous Philadelphian (AP -- my initials!) for his story.
I won't even ask to be anonymous! Here is a photo of me and Christine. You can tell that we formed a real connection and that this is a legitimate news story.
Let me tell you how it went.
It was Halloween 2010, and Christine O'Donnell was dressed up as the results of a straw poll, but, like, a sexy straw poll. She knocked on my door and asked to come in. Oddly, I was dressed as a witch. "Are you a witch?" she asked. "I'm not a witch. I'm you," I told her. We laughed. We were hitting it off right away.
"Let's go out somewhere and discuss the Constitution," she suggested. It's not every day that someone you've never met in your life comes to your door and asks to discuss the Constitution! I said yes. We began talking about all the things it contains, and how Church and State had been separated for a while but how she was trying to bring them back together for the sake of the children.
This is the part of the narrative where I describe her as a "cougar" so we can get more page views.
Then we talked about our lives, and about how powerful sisterhood was.
"Want to come back to my place and discuss how opposed we are to masturbation, and that we are not witches?" I asked.
We laughed all the way to the car. This wasn't very far. My family insists that I am a terrible driver and has hidden my license somewhere in the virgin hills of Maine (this article now includes the phrase "virgin hills." Hi, Google!) so we just sort of stood next to the car for a while and admired it. Then we walked back to my place, but slowly, so that we could relate to each other better.
I poured us two beers. She poured hers out. "For my homeboy, Elijah," she noted. We bowed our heads and thought about Elijah. "And also Lindsay Lohan, who gets a lot of search traffic," I added.
Then things moved into the bedroom! Not us, though, just things. There's a lot of Paranormal Activity (2) in my house.
"I have to go home and Google myself," Christine O'Donnell said. "But not in that way."
We laughed again, a little too much.
"This has been fun," Christine said. She threw open a window, threw up the shades, and flew away into the night, leaving behind only memory and something that smelled like regret, though that might just have indicated that I needed to do my laundry more often.
Did I say we had a one-night stand? I mean, we did, in the sense that "shaking hands and agreeing that we weren't gay, but there wasn't anything wrong with that (me) or gays have an identity disorder (her)" is a one-night stand. Also, I mailed her a nightstand later. You can tell this is factual because Christine O'Donnell owns a nightstand.
Also, Lady Gaga Sarah Palin Barack Obama personal enlargement! The timing of this article is entirely coincidental.
| October 28, 2010; 5:52 PM ET
Categories: Only on the Internet, Petri, Tea Party, That's awkward | Tags: Christine O'Donnell, parody
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