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Replace Christine O'Donnell with Cigar Guy

"I'm not a witch. I'm nothing you've heard. I'm you. None of us are perfect, but none of us can be happy with what we see all around us. Politicians who think spending, trading favors and back-room deals are the ways to stay in office. I'll go to Washington and do what you'd do." -- Delaware GOP Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell

You're me?

That's terrible!

I wouldn't elect me to Congress, unless I had, say, magical powers, and you just ruled out that possibility.

True, none of us are perfect -- and this certainly applies to Congress -- but one of the things that allows me to sleep at night is the fact that most of our elected officials aren't me, either. Minority Leader John Boehner, for instance, is several shades more orange.

Christine O'Donnell wants to go to Washington and do what I'd do? Does she realize what a terrible idea this is? I know very little about bending the curve. If I went to Washington tomorrow, my first move would be to repeal the Nineteenth Amendment because I got confused and thought it was Prohibition. My next move would be to try to pass a law banning bad things from happening. I would figure it was worth a try.

This isn't what I want my elected officials doing! When I do things like that, it's fine. I always store my money in my freezer, and I always tap my foot on the floor of the men's room, just to see if someone will answer. But, somehow, I've always held my elected representatives to a different standard. Sending someone to Congress who is just going to do what I would do? Come on! They're supposed to be better than that.

If she wants to be us, she should keep in mind that most of us are idiots! One in 5 Americans think our president is a Muslim, and a third of us believe in ghosts and UFOs -- incidentally, that's more than have confidence in Sarah Palin as president. The first thing she'll have to do is pass a law banning ghosts without birth certificates from being elected to office. I think Newt Gingrich recommended something like that recently.

We don't want someone who is us. We want someone better than that.

There's only one way to fix this: replace Christine O'Donnell with Cigar Guy.

Cigar Guy is me. He's you too. But better.

An ad that began, "I'm not a witch. I'm Cigar Guy" would overwhelm me with paroxysms of joy. Cigar Guy is me. He's all of us! But not as we are. As we dream of being. He's epic. He understands his place in the universe, and he revels in it. He's not Tiger Woods. He's just there. He's got a cigar. And he's enjoying himself. He understands where we come from. He's rewriting history in the best possible way. If we elected him to Congress, he wouldn't engage in backroom deals or favor-trading, unless those favors were something he could trade for more cigars.

I respect that.

So maybe there's hope. "I'm you," Christine O'Donnell says. If that's true, then that includes Cigar Guy, too. I suggest we vote for him instead.

By Alexandra Petri  | October 6, 2010; 2:55 PM ET
Categories:  Only on the Internet, Petri, Reality? Television  | Tags:  Christine O'Donnell  
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