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Welcome back, Chilean miners!

The miners are about to emerge! This is awkward. National Coming Out Day was yesterday!

But I guess it's hard not to be a little behind the times if you're trapped down in a mine.

For the aid of the Chilean miners, here's a list of Things That Have Happened In The Past 67 Days:

  • Christine O'Donnell.
  • She is not a witch. We are pretty confident about this because, to make a long story short, no one is a witch. But in case we had any doubts, she came out with an ad. She's just a candidate for Congress from Delaware who has appeared on Bill Maher a few times and touched a lot of people, but not herself.

  • Bristol Palin is on Dancing With the Stars! Levi Johnston appeared a music video! Now he's running for mayor in Alaska, but he's less popular than John Edwards. No one cares about any of these things.
  • Some guy wanted to burn the Koran, and there was a big fuss, and he didn't wind up doing it.
  • A Jet Blue flight attendant activated the exit slide and jumped off because he had finally had it with the passengers. This inspired lots of people! Later, another Jet Blue passenger, this time a Playboy model, tried to leap off a plane in mid-air!
  • Google developed a new form of Instant search. Now, whenever you type the word "Tea" into the search bar, it directs you to websites with your local Tea Party affiliates.
  • Feel free to ask all the servicemen and women you meet about their sexual orientations! The judge overturned don't ask, don't tell! (On second thought, maybe don't ask yet.)

  • The Tea Party became a recognizable political force. Also, some guy dressed up as a Nazi? Don't worry about this, his race isn't supposed to be very contested.
  • The Social Network, based on the founding of Facebook, came out! It was big! Unrelatedly, Mark Zuckerberg donated $100 million to Newark public schools.
  • The new Gap logo was terrible. Somehow, people cared deeply about it. Then they got rid of it.
  • You missed several big (and one not-so-big) rallies on the Mall. But there's another coming up soon! Stay tuned!
  • They found a new planet named Gliese 581 G that might be able to sustain life! But they might have just un-discovered it. Is it possible to un-discover something? If so, can we do that to Justin Bieber? Following in the footsteps of Miley Cyrus, he just came out with an autobiography. (The sentence, "Following in the footsteps of Miley Cyrus, he just came out with an autobiography," is one of the predicted thirty-six pop culture signs of the Apocalypse.)

Come to think of it, revisiting all these happenings makes me want to go hide in a hole somewhere for several months. Any takers on the old place?

By Alexandra Petri  | October 12, 2010; 5:57 PM ET
Categories:  Petri  | Tags:  chilean miners  
Save & Share:  Send E-mail   Facebook   Twitter   Digg   Yahoo Buzz   StumbleUpon   Technorati   Google Buzz   Previous: Judge orders stay on enforcing don't ask, don't tell
Next: Sarah Palin's nuclear bomb, Carl Paladino's f-bomb

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