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Alcohol is worse than heroin, crack cocaine? Of course!

Alcohol is more lethal than heroin or crack cocaine?

Yes, according to a recent study.

Should defaming alcohol like this be considered substance abuse? Well, no. Of course it's more dangerous!

Lab rats on crack just sit there politely pressing the "More Crack" tab until they run out of food and die. Lab rats, given too much alcohol, wander around the cage bumping into the walls and try to get the other rats to join them in singing a song about working in Chicago.

A cocaine-addled rat just produces more rock music than usual. An inebriated rat will get lost in the maze and wind up having consensual relations with a strange gerbil, which it will forget about until the gerbil tries to contact it later.

Look at history. Winston Churchill was frequently drunk! He once insulted a woman who told him he was drunk by responding, "Bessie, you're ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober." Churcill played a major role in World War II, a conflict that killed more than 40 million people. W. H. Auden once took LSD, of which he said "Nothing much happened, but I did get the distinct impression that some birds were trying to communicate with me." W. H. Auden was a poet and critic who brought delight to thousands!

And this applies to the business world as well! Once, a stock trader got drunk and caused a crisis by purchasing 7 million barrels of oil.

Drugs are not a problems for stock traders -- that's where the saying "Buy low, sell high" comes from. Give a high-powered trader cocaine, and the worst thing he will do is create an international financial crisis that requires a federal bailout. I'm sorry, I forgot where I was going with that sentence.

Now the drunk fellow has been banned from trading, but he's not alone! Drunk people frequently buy things they regret later. You never see any crack addicts buying things they will regret later. This is because they have already spent all their money on crack.

In terms of the damage they inflict, drunk writers inflict far more than writers who are on crack. This is because we are obliged to read the works of drunk writers, whereas the works of crack-addled writers are usually found several days after their deaths scrawled on the walls of train station restrooms. Usually, because of the spelling concerns and the large number of references to alien abductions, these don't make it to publication.

Mothers Against Drunk Driving exist. Mothers Against Driving While On Heroin does not. Clearly, Mothers don't think Heroin-addled drivers are a problem. Mothers think everything is a problem!

Drunk monkeys harass beachgoers, stealing their beverages and pelting them with things. You never see a high monkey harassing a beachgoer, except by suggesting the beachgoer come with it to buy salted snacks and attend a Phish concert.

People frequently get drunk and ask you to listen to their romantic problems and the ways they feel shortchanged by their upbringing. People who are addled by heroin never do this. Instead, they ask you to give them your wallets, or to listen to the ways they feel about aliens.

True, people who do a lot of meth seldom do anything else. But meth at least builds your math and chemistry skills, as well as saving you money on toothpaste and dental attention. Drinking only builds your ability to throw ping pong balls into plastic cups.

And think what drinking does to families! Remember all those Thanksgivings where Uncle Harry drank more than anyone else and insisted he'd never known love? You never see your Thanksgiving dinner ruined because Uncle Harry has had more LSD than anyone else. That's probably a great Thanksgiving dinner, because Uncle Harry is convinced that the turkey is trying to tell him something and keeps insisting everyone "shut up those big bats" so he can communicate with it better.

I'm so glad this study emerged, because, somehow, in spite of all this, alcohol has become embedded in our culture, and we needed a wake-up call! Maybe the answer is banning alcohol! That worked so well in 1920!

Or perhaps we should legalize everything! As Hunter S. Thompson said, "I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."

By Alexandra Petri  | November 1, 2010; 11:45 AM ET
Categories:  Petri, Worst Things Ever  | Tags:  alcohol, drugs  
Save & Share:  Send E-mail   Facebook   Twitter   Digg   Yahoo Buzz   StumbleUpon   Technorati   Google Buzz   Previous: Mulligans: Aqua Buddha soaks Conway; Michael Steele forgets all about $15 million; tweeting Iran's twit
Next: Christine O'Donnell's 30-minute ad would have worked!


i say we raise taxes on alcohol...then the liberals won't be able to keep their children under the infulence of alcohol and force them into child labor to support the liberals cheese and couch habits.

Posted by: JWx2 | November 1, 2010 1:00 PM | Report abuse

We've got a nation full of drunken red-necks that are going to ridicule this to death.
Truth is, they've always posed a greater danger to our nation than dopers ever could.
After all, it was the drunken red-necks that started the whole drug war.

Posted by: GEarlMoore | November 1, 2010 1:24 PM | Report abuse

Great idea JW. But let's just raise taxes on those who drink liberally. That'll make them cut the cheese and couch abuse.

The primary goal is to lower taxes on conservative drinkers. Long Island iced tea party drinkers would pay no tax.

Posted by: divtune | November 1, 2010 1:41 PM | Report abuse

Alcohol is legal. Yes that is the problem. The same problem will develop with respect to pot when we legalize it. How about cocaine and heroin? Wanna bet the same slippery slope will exist for all legalized mind-altering substances that can get us through the day, night, whatever?

Posted by: ahoffinger | November 1, 2010 1:53 PM | Report abuse

What is needed is a more realistic attitude toward social alcohol use instead of wallowing in the kind of Puritanical fear that studies like this one promote. Cheerz IntelliShot is a new functional shot/mixer than helps the body to more efficiently process alcohol's most toxic metabolite, acetaldehyde. ATH is an extremely toxic carcinogen created as the liver breaks down alcohol that has been linked in numerous studies to everything from hangover, to liver disease, cancers, osteoporosis, Alzheimer's, and even dependency--in SOCIAL drinkers. Social alcohol use (and abuse) is never going away regardless of the amount of proselytizing and finger wagging. A little more awareness and promotion of responsibility and less fear mongering would be a tremendous leap forward. Christopher Hitchens said, "Alcohol is happiness, and people cannot be counted upon to pursue happiness in moderation." If Hitch had access to something like IntelliShot years ago he might not be dying of his self professed enjoyable vices.

Posted by: samantha22 | November 1, 2010 1:53 PM | Report abuse

The way I felt on Sunday, I'd vote for prohibition to come back. Keep me away from the happy juice!

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Posted by: adfjsfsfg | November 1, 2010 3:21 PM | Report abuse

It is so refreshing to read the comments by right-wing-idiots who are justifying their alcohol addiction. If you drink on a regular basis, then you are an alcoholic! Period! Let's review...god made marijuana and corrupt corporations make alcohol. How many times have you read about a pot smoker killing someone while driving under the influence of pot and pot alone? Yeah, I think I'll trust all the people who HAVEN'T lied about pot's addictive properties and not all the people who wear underwear tighter than their collective white conservative sphincters.

Posted by: BlackTeaParty | November 1, 2010 4:16 PM | Report abuse

In spite of its intolerance and lingering fanaticism, Islam has an absolute prohibition on alcohol. The daughter of former UN nuclear chief Mohamed ElBaradei reminded us of this when she was criticized last month for attending a party where alcohol was served.

Christians have no such religious restrains, and the first thing we do is seek out the booze -- to take out the edge. Soon enough, it numbs the frontal lobe of our brains, the very place where we happen to keep our personality and charm. Should we continue to drink throughout the evening, we can manage to reduce ourselves to utter bores.

So much for the belief that drinking enhances sex appeal.

Posted by: Kafantaris | November 1, 2010 4:26 PM | Report abuse

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