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Better names for the Daily Beast-Newsweek merger

By Alexandra Petri

Newsweek, an ailing but venerable news magazine just sold for one dollar, and The Daily Beast, an online publication never sold for any money at all, just decided to merge. They must have been attracted by their low ticket prices and that alluring aroma of desperation, the way those couples in all-bluejean outfits were back in the 1990s.

The Post has another poll suggesting names for the Daily Beast-Newsweek merger simply by recombining the words. My favorite, "Da News Beast," hasn't showed up yet, but I'm still pulling for it. Come on. You're a member of the East Coast elite, sitting at home in your slippers, reading your news magazine, sipping a cappuccino, and worrying that your wife no longer sees you as the virile man you assume she did initially. "What are you reading, dear?" she asks, coming down the stairs. "DA NEWS BEAST!" you shout, overturning the coffee table and snarling at her. Think of what that'll do for your marriage! No? Well, all I'm saying is, consider it.

I worry that most of my suggestions end up like this, but I still think it's a good name.

But I have a better idea -- recombine the letters. I've heard that anagrams never lie. Admittedly, a Web site that makes anagrams is where I got this information, and afterwards it attempted to sell me a "very lightly used" car, but still.

Here are some anagrammed results. Try your hand at it!

A Bad Newsiest Weekly

Keen Sty Was Bewailed
Key West Was Deniable
Was A Biweekly Tensed?
We Inked Waste Basely
Seek Wine, Waste Badly!
Waste Weakened Sibyl
A Twinkly Ewe Debases
Bad Slinky Ewe Sweats
A Bawdiest Weensy Elk
Belated Ewes Was Inky
Was Bawd Enlistee Key?
Saw Bawdy Elites Keen
Weedy Ski Was Tenable
Lye Was Beatniks Weed
News, Albeit Skewed, Ya

But I think this is more like naming horses. A good horse merger emphasizes the salient features of its two component horses and brings them to their logical conclusion. (Imagine that Newsweek is the mare in this scenario.) For instance, Forever Together is the offspring of Belong to Me and Constant Companion. Also, there is a horse named Dontsellmetofelons, the sibling of I Want Revenge. The former might have been a good name for Newsweek, but fortunately the moment passed without incident.

In this case, I'd recommend something like:
Newsweek + Daily Beast = Dang It, Every Week The News Is Bad


By Alexandra Petri  | November 12, 2010; 10:47 AM ET
Categories:  Bad Advice, Epic Failures, Petri  | Tags:  newsweek, print media is dying  
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Next: Amy-Erin Blakely's chest and the dangers of being too ridiculously good-looking


"Da News Beast" lacks a certain gravitas, but it is better than "Da Daily Week." Following your anagram lead, I suggest something topical:
"Kanye West, Bawdiest Heel"

Posted by: dricks | November 12, 2010 12:20 PM | Report abuse

"Da News Beast" lacks a certain gravitas, but it is better than "Da Daily Week." Following your anagram lead, I suggest something topical:
"Kanye West, Bawdiest Heel"

Posted by: dricks | November 12, 2010 12:23 PM | Report abuse

Alex Petri,

I just discovered that if you rearrange the letters, "Alex Petri," you turn into a "Taxi Leper," which is only marginally better than "Ripe Latex!"

The thought of possibly sharing a taxi with you someday means I must inform you that I will no longer be your "groupie." I'm sorry, but you have two weeks notice.

It's been fun being your groupie, but Dana showed that he is funnier (see above) and I'm now circling his house in my unmarked Hummus & Falafal vending cart. The unmarked van I formerly used to circle your house is for sale (own a piece of history).

I promise that I'll never post the video of me making a plaster cast of your... (what does Oprah call it?) when you were passed out drunk. I only share it with my Facebook and Twitter "friends"(see #PlasterPetri). And I'm sorry, the pictures of you in my upcoming film, "The Bedroom Window 2®" have already gone viral. But don't worry, I would never sell the "ripe latex" (my wife says 'yuuuuck').

I hope to see you at Dana's for lunch someday after you've recovered from the shock. Please remember to look in the mirror every morning and say, "I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me!" You could end up the next Senator from Minnesota!

Posted by: divtune | November 12, 2010 2:27 PM | Report abuse

OK, all seriousness aside, how do you like these apples?

Weakened Beast News Daily Update Show

Daily News-Eating Beast Weekly

...And the winner by a nose hair is...

Beauty And The Beast Baby

Posted by: divtune | November 12, 2010 3:48 PM | Report abuse

So the Beast is humping the News for the $1 Early Bird Special?

The Daily Bull Served Weekly

Posted by: carole2 | November 12, 2010 5:12 PM | Report abuse

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