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Posted at 11:49 AM ET, 11/30/2010

Facebook isn't the only tool that leads to cheating

By Alexandra Petri

Suddenly, everyone's talking about Facebook cheating.

cheatfacebook.jpg

First there was the hullaballoo with that pastor who said we should deactivate our Facebook accounts to forestall cheating, because nothing is more tempting than seeing pictures of people you didn't know that well in high school gaining or losing weight and husbands. I'm not saying it's not a problem, but I'm more concerned by the evidently expanding number of people out there who think it's a problem. It's devastating to find your boyfriend, husband, wife, or girlfriend cheating, especially when you've finally collected one of each! But it's even worse to discover that your boyfriend, husband, wife, or girlfriend thinks you might be cheating, which you can tell because he runs around screaming, "The handkerchief! The handkerchief!"

The mechanisms set up for people who worry about this frankly terrify me. For instance, there's the increasingly prominent Web site Facebookcheating.com. Its design mimics Facebook's, and it has a lovely story from the founder which consists essentially of a description of how he stalked his wife (who turned out to be cheating) using technology which he advertises on the site.

Here is an excerpt:

Spying on people isn't something you learn in a college classroom. I did some research on the internet and figured out my strategy.

Firstly and I'm thinking like an investigator here, I needed to find the vulnerabilities in my wife's security. Being that she isn't a diplomat or foreign spy, this wasn't very difficult. I didn't know her Facebook password, but I have access to the home computer we share. Needing to know the truth, I was willing to spend some money in the pursuit.

Using a Stealth iBot Computer Spy enabled me to gather all sorts of information from our computer. Seen here.

...My wife could do nothing on the computer that I couldn't know about. This may seem extreme, but it helped me establish that she was indeed having an affair with her Facebook chats....Utilizing a Cell Phone Spy I was able to recover deleted text messages from her phone. Seen here

... I was almost ready to confront her. But I still wanted to know who exactly this other person was. With a Spark Nano GPS tracking device I was able to find out exactly where my wife was going. Seen here.

I placed it in her glove box and was able to track the vehicle for up to five days before needing the battery to be recharged.

I worried that the logical sequel to this would be something along these lines.

At this point, I bought this Scentite Deluxe Two-Person Blind (Seen here). It's big enough to accommodate two, which is a good reminder of how lonely and betrayed you are as you sit in it staking out a house for hours at a time. I situated it outside the house where I knew she was going from the GPS tracking device I told you about earlier. I also bought these night-vision goggles (Seen here), this mustache (Seen here), this hunting vest (seen here) and this crossbow (seen here), which might be able to bring down an elk at a distance of six miles. Some people might consider this overkill, but to me, "overkill" is just another word for "enthusiasm." But a better word, because it includes "over" and "kill." I also bought this Wal-Mart photo album (Seen here) and filled it with images of our ten-year married life, to add insult to hopefully non-life-threatening injury. I also hired some child actors (seen here) to pose as the children we never had, just to sort of drive the point home.

While lurking outside this house for up to eight hours at a time, I ate protein packs (seen here) and sat on this ergonomic pad (seen here) to ease pressure on my hernia (seen here). I assume this is how hernias work, but I'm not a doctor -- I'm just a private individual whose wife was cheating on him and who did what he had to do. I also purchased the DSM: IV handbook (seen here) so that if my wife responded to my behavior by asking me what sort of a sick freak I was, I could answer her with precision and lucidity.

At this point my wife asked for a restraining order, which, frankly, I am kind of surprised the judge granted, given that I relocated my campsite to his garage (seen here) and purchased Sherwin-Williams Latex Paint (seen here) and the Lou Savell classic Gangs Across America and Their Symbols (seen here), which I used to decorate the exterior of his home, for free.

Also, I bought a boat (seen here), which enabled me, as I approached the cusp of middle age, to have a reassuring symbol of my manhood and virility.

I am currently behind Metal Bars, Inc 3/16" steel rounds (seen here) at a state penitentiary, and my wife has custody of all our belongings, but I feel kind of vindicated.

Sure, Facebook is a tool, and that tool sometimes leads to cheating. But all I'm saying is that there are other tools who lead to cheating, and sometimes they install tracking software on your computer.

By Alexandra Petri  | November 30, 2010; 11:49 AM ET
Categories:  Epic Failures, Only on the Internet, Petri  | Tags:  Facebook, spooky  
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Comments

I read this guy's site. Sounds like a real loser. No wonder his wife cheated on him. He probably had plenty of other clues that his wife was not happy with him and probably wanted out. So instead he turns into a stalker. Facebook is just a website - a tool like a telephone which is just as capable as a means to enable an affair. People can use it to catch up with old friends, debate politics or sports as I do, or use it to cheat. I am married and have a Facebook account. The only issue for most people, if not handled right, are exes popping up out the woodwork, but that can be handled if you have trust with your spouse and nothing to hide. A couple of old girlfriends over the years have reached out to friend me - both are happily married and have kids. I told my wife that they reached out and that was it. No secrets there and she was fine with it. As for the old girlfriends, I accepted their friend requests, but kept communications brief and away from anything too personal - I congratulated them on their successes and that was it. My wife has no interest in joining Facebook, but if she did I would have no issue with it and I'd respect her privacy because I trust her. And even if I did not, I would not spy on her.

Posted by: da55 | November 30, 2010 3:41 PM | Report abuse

Wow, this is your best column yet! The iBot I installed on your computer sent me the column yesterday, but it was just as good reading it the second time.

Reverend Cedric Miller, the anti-Facebook pastor you mentioned, offered to resign after it came out that, “he confessed to having a threesome with his wife and a male church associate, stating that some of the encounters took place during Thursday Bible study.”

After considerable prayer, the church Elders decided, "We are confident that Pastor Cedric Miller is the man that God has chosen to lead his church into our destiny." Attendance for Thursday Bible study has never been higher!

But let’s get REAL here: "Before, it was e-mail, then before that, it was the phone," marriage counselor Terry Real said. "The problem is not Facebook, it is the loss of love in your marriage."

Posted by: divtune | November 30, 2010 6:33 PM | Report abuse

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