Facebook isn't the only tool that leads to cheating
First there was the hullaballoo with that pastor who said we should deactivate our Facebook accounts to forestall cheating, because nothing is more tempting than seeing pictures of people you didn't know that well in high school gaining or losing weight and husbands. I'm not saying it's not a problem, but I'm more concerned by the evidently expanding number of people out there who think it's a problem. It's devastating to find your boyfriend, husband, wife, or girlfriend cheating, especially when you've finally collected one of each! But it's even worse to discover that your boyfriend, husband, wife, or girlfriend thinks you might be cheating, which you can tell because he runs around screaming, "The handkerchief! The handkerchief!"
The mechanisms set up for people who worry about this frankly terrify me. For instance, there's the increasingly prominent Web site Facebookcheating.com. Its design mimics Facebook's, and it has a lovely story from the founder which consists essentially of a description of how he stalked his wife (who turned out to be cheating) using technology which he advertises on the site.
Here is an excerpt:
Spying on people isn't something you learn in a college classroom. I did some research on the internet and figured out my strategy.
Firstly and I'm thinking like an investigator here, I needed to find the vulnerabilities in my wife's security. Being that she isn't a diplomat or foreign spy, this wasn't very difficult. I didn't know her Facebook password, but I have access to the home computer we share. Needing to know the truth, I was willing to spend some money in the pursuit.
Using a Stealth iBot Computer Spy enabled me to gather all sorts of information from our computer. Seen here.
...My wife could do nothing on the computer that I couldn't know about. This may seem extreme, but it helped me establish that she was indeed having an affair with her Facebook chats....Utilizing a Cell Phone Spy I was able to recover deleted text messages from her phone. Seen here
... I was almost ready to confront her. But I still wanted to know who exactly this other person was. With a Spark Nano GPS tracking device I was able to find out exactly where my wife was going. Seen here.
I placed it in her glove box and was able to track the vehicle for up to five days before needing the battery to be recharged.
I worried that the logical sequel to this would be something along these lines.
At this point, I bought this Scentite Deluxe Two-Person Blind (Seen here). It's big enough to accommodate two, which is a good reminder of how lonely and betrayed you are as you sit in it staking out a house for hours at a time. I situated it outside the house where I knew she was going from the GPS tracking device I told you about earlier. I also bought these night-vision goggles (Seen here), this mustache (Seen here), this hunting vest (seen here) and this crossbow (seen here), which might be able to bring down an elk at a distance of six miles. Some people might consider this overkill, but to me, "overkill" is just another word for "enthusiasm." But a better word, because it includes "over" and "kill." I also bought this Wal-Mart photo album (Seen here) and filled it with images of our ten-year married life, to add insult to hopefully non-life-threatening injury. I also hired some child actors (seen here) to pose as the children we never had, just to sort of drive the point home.
While lurking outside this house for up to eight hours at a time, I ate protein packs (seen here) and sat on this ergonomic pad (seen here) to ease pressure on my hernia (seen here). I assume this is how hernias work, but I'm not a doctor -- I'm just a private individual whose wife was cheating on him and who did what he had to do. I also purchased the DSM: IV handbook (seen here) so that if my wife responded to my behavior by asking me what sort of a sick freak I was, I could answer her with precision and lucidity.
At this point my wife asked for a restraining order, which, frankly, I am kind of surprised the judge granted, given that I relocated my campsite to his garage (seen here) and purchased Sherwin-Williams Latex Paint (seen here) and the Lou Savell classic Gangs Across America and Their Symbols (seen here), which I used to decorate the exterior of his home, for free.
Also, I bought a boat (seen here), which enabled me, as I approached the cusp of middle age, to have a reassuring symbol of my manhood and virility.
I am currently behind Metal Bars, Inc 3/16" steel rounds (seen here) at a state penitentiary, and my wife has custody of all our belongings, but I feel kind of vindicated.
Sure, Facebook is a tool, and that tool sometimes leads to cheating. But all I'm saying is that there are other tools who lead to cheating, and sometimes they install tracking software on your computer.
| November 30, 2010; 11:49 AM ET
Categories: Epic Failures, Only on the Internet, Petri | Tags: Facebook, spooky
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